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How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?

 
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 24280398
United States
09/23/2012 10:11 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
Hello, I am the mother of a 13 years old girl and it seems that every word that comes out of her mouth ends up being a lie or deceptive. I have tried sending her to her room for the day, taking things away from her that she enjoys, sitting down and talking with her and nothing seems to be working.

As soon as she is finished being punished, I find out that she has lied about something else.

Any suggestions from any mothers here as to how you handle repeated lying in your homes?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24280398


You cannot. It is a mental illness. She will continue this way for the rest of her life, and life will be a great punishment for her as a result. She is doomed to loneliness and rejection.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24281074


This is what I fear and absolutely do not want to happen. I have warned her of the exact same thing myself.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24280398


Then refuse to have her over. Refuse to see her. Let both your former husband and her know that you cannot cope with her dishonesty and seeing it causes you too much pain.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24281074


There are a lot of things that I'm willing to do. Abandoning her is not one of them.
BRIEF
Rebel with morals

User ID: 24191668
United States
09/23/2012 10:13 AM

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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
...

The assumption that the mother is more fit to raise them simply because she's the mother is flawed.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 23475884


Oh, I agree.

But, it happens more often than not.

My Mother got child support for 6 years, even though we lived with our Dad.

I've never figured that out.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17487177


It's called spouse maintenance, legally...I paid it for a while before I figured out a way to get around the law...
 Quoting: BRIEF


She also got Alimony.

Isn't that "spouse maintenance" ?

Hey Trin, pin this.

Looks like an excellent discussion.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17487177


Basically the same thing, but by having it carefully worded in the divorce papers, it's easier to get out of maintenance, which was my goal from the beginning...
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/23/2012 10:13 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
That is one of the traits that children of alcoholics display.


Read up COA materials.

[link to www.thisisawar.com]

compulsive lying

When a child learns that the only time to get the non-alcoholic’s attention is when a crisis is happening, that child learns to create catastrophic crises to get the attention he needs and for which he longs.

He learns to lie to meet his needs.

A 26-year-old guidance counsellor whose mother was alcoholic remarks: "I find myself lying and about halfway through the lie, wanting to say, 'Stop! That’s a lie, that’s not it! Start over again!' but am too embarrassed to do it."

Deceit becomes a habit. Even if you have learned to tell the truth about situational things, your feelings may be causing you trouble. It is not unusual for children of alcoholics to have difficulty recognizing their own feelings, much less to be honest about them to others. So in effect, the child is not really telling a lie - he is just not telling the truth.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 23745362


I am positive it's not an attention thing. She gets crazy attention when she's here and we do everything together.

Also no alcoholism in her life from anyone.
Anonymous Coward
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09/23/2012 10:14 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
it's tough when you are on a planet full of them.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 24186242
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09/23/2012 10:14 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
. . . the same way you "punish" all 13-year-olds . . .
BRIEF
Rebel with morals

User ID: 24191668
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09/23/2012 10:16 AM

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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
That is one of the traits that children of alcoholics display.


Read up COA materials.

[link to www.thisisawar.com]

compulsive lying

When a child learns that the only time to get the non-alcoholic’s attention is when a crisis is happening, that child learns to create catastrophic crises to get the attention he needs and for which he longs.

He learns to lie to meet his needs.

A 26-year-old guidance counsellor whose mother was alcoholic remarks: "I find myself lying and about halfway through the lie, wanting to say, 'Stop! That’s a lie, that’s not it! Start over again!' but am too embarrassed to do it."

Deceit becomes a habit. Even if you have learned to tell the truth about situational things, your feelings may be causing you trouble. It is not unusual for children of alcoholics to have difficulty recognizing their own feelings, much less to be honest about them to others. So in effect, the child is not really telling a lie - he is just not telling the truth.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 23745362


I am positive it's not an attention thing. She gets crazy attention when she's here and we do everything together.

Also no alcoholism in her life from anyone.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24280398


Be careful what you wish for...my kids look me in the eye and tell me the God's honest truth about everything, and there's some things a parent really doesn't want to know about their teenagers...and their girlfriends
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
Anonymous Coward
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09/23/2012 10:16 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
. . . by teaching instead of "punishing" . . .
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/23/2012 10:16 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
I do believe that she wants to come back here to live and may be lying to attempt to manipulate that happening, but it's not just her lying about one of us to the other, she lies about EVERYTHING.

I am so frustrated and completely lacking understanding as to why she does it. ugh!
PallasAthene

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09/23/2012 10:17 AM

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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
Hello, I am the mother of a 13 years old girl and it seems that every word that comes out of her mouth ends up being a lie or deceptive. I have tried sending her to her room for the day, taking things away from her that she enjoys, sitting down and talking with her and nothing seems to be working.

As soon as she is finished being punished, I find out that she has lied about something else.

Any suggestions from any mothers here as to how you handle repeated lying in your homes?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24280398


belt

or you could go full on mommy dearest and bust out the wire coat hanger

damned

but seriously your failure to instill the fear of god in her at a younger age via proper discipline has left you with the monster you have today

pretty soon it will be too late for you to correct it and she'll end up a problem of society

grow a pair lady

where is her father?
 Quoting: ^TrInItY^


Encouraging physical violence on a minor who can't defend herself properly, with a weapon that's exaggerated assault and illegal, you should be ashamed to say such things, do not confuse fear for respect.

Sit her down and tell her how her actions are making you feel treat her like a young adult and not a child, show her respect and she will show you some too. Will work.
 Quoting: PallasAthene


You Liberals make me sick...
 Quoting: BRIEF


I'm not a liberal, I just don't think physical coercion is appropriate in all circumstances, children would be an example of this, I'm not saying 'no discipline' after all are you yourself not against these dictator led societies in the middle east?! can't you see this is the same thing, you would then become the dictator over your own home, which would undermine the constitution you hold so dear to your heart, land of the free etc etc.

to be feared is not the same as to be loved.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 24186242
United States
09/23/2012 10:17 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
. . . stop asking her stupid questions . . .
BRIEF
Rebel with morals

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United States
09/23/2012 10:18 AM

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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
. . . by teaching instead of "punishing" . . .
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24186242


Punishment teaches a lot quicker than babying them...
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/23/2012 10:18 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
. . . by teaching instead of "punishing" . . .
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24186242


Like I haven't done that from the beginning. None of my other children have this issue and we are ALL very close.

She knows she can talk to us about anything, the lines of communication are wide open and she knows it but chooses to lie instead, even about things that don't matter.
The Light Under the Door

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09/23/2012 10:19 AM

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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
I am so frustrated and completely lacking understanding as to why she does it. ugh!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24280398


Why not ask her instead of the internet?

Last Edited by Clarified Custard on 09/23/2012 10:19 AM
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/23/2012 10:20 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
. . . stop asking her stupid questions . . .
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24186242


Yeah, never thought about that. lol

I doubt that will work, turning a blind eye to lying doesn't seem to be the best way to get rid of it to me.
Anonymous Coward
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09/23/2012 10:20 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?


It all started when he decided to put her in public school.

She was homeschooled, by me, for the first 11 years of her life and was doing excellent.

Within the first year at a public school she has turned into a compulsive liar.

Do you think that's the reason?


It could probably be counted as a large part of it. Public schools can just be terrible. Not all the kids there are, but the general environment is.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/23/2012 10:20 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
I am so frustrated and completely lacking understanding as to why she does it. ugh!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24280398


Why not ask her instead of the internet?
 Quoting: The Light Under the Door


I have. She lies.
BRIEF
Rebel with morals

User ID: 24191668
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09/23/2012 10:20 AM

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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
...


belt

or you could go full on mommy dearest and bust out the wire coat hanger

damned

but seriously your failure to instill the fear of god in her at a younger age via proper discipline has left you with the monster you have today

pretty soon it will be too late for you to correct it and she'll end up a problem of society

grow a pair lady

where is her father?
 Quoting: ^TrInItY^


Encouraging physical violence on a minor who can't defend herself properly, with a weapon that's exaggerated assault and illegal, you should be ashamed to say such things, do not confuse fear for respect.

Sit her down and tell her how her actions are making you feel treat her like a young adult and not a child, show her respect and she will show you some too. Will work.
 Quoting: PallasAthene


You Liberals make me sick...
 Quoting: BRIEF


I'm not a liberal, I just don't think physical coercion is appropriate in all circumstances, children would be an example of this, I'm not saying 'no discipline' after all are you yourself not against these dictator led societies in the middle east?! can't you see this is the same thing, you would then become the dictator over your own home, which would undermine the constitution you hold so dear to your heart, land of the free etc etc.

to be feared is not the same as to be loved.
 Quoting: PallasAthene


My home is not a democracy...I am King...what I say goes...I have just a few rules and they are nonnegotiable...among them are no tattoos, no spending the night with your girlfriend, and if you aren't at work then home by 10 PM on a school night.
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/23/2012 10:21 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
She's not even really a "good liar" which is why it's an issue.

She's constantly getting busted doing it.

A good liar wouldn't get caught.
The Light Under the Door

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09/23/2012 10:21 AM

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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
I am so frustrated and completely lacking understanding as to why she does it. ugh!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24280398


Why not ask her instead of the internet?
 Quoting: The Light Under the Door


I have. She lies.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24280398


You're not asking the right questions.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/23/2012 10:22 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
...


Encouraging physical violence on a minor who can't defend herself properly, with a weapon that's exaggerated assault and illegal, you should be ashamed to say such things, do not confuse fear for respect.

Sit her down and tell her how her actions are making you feel treat her like a young adult and not a child, show her respect and she will show you some too. Will work.
 Quoting: PallasAthene


You Liberals make me sick...
 Quoting: BRIEF


I'm not a liberal, I just don't think physical coercion is appropriate in all circumstances, children would be an example of this, I'm not saying 'no discipline' after all are you yourself not against these dictator led societies in the middle east?! can't you see this is the same thing, you would then become the dictator over your own home, which would undermine the constitution you hold so dear to your heart, land of the free etc etc.

to be feared is not the same as to be loved.
 Quoting: PallasAthene


My home is not a democracy...I am King...what I say goes...I have just a few rules and they are nonnegotiable...among them are no tattoos, no spending the night with your girlfriend, and if you aren't at work then home by 10 PM on a school night.
 Quoting: BRIEF


BINGO!

clappa
Anonymous Coward
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09/23/2012 10:27 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
If the her father is not home she is blaming you for that, this is normal. She will continue doing the things that dislike you since she knows you pay too much attention to it therefore she finds pleasure by doing it, it is a way of punishing you back

Try to do the contrary to how you would normally react in a way it isn't so obvious to her you are pretending to fake such reaction. Become a friend of her though this will be difficult.
Anonymous Coward
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09/23/2012 10:28 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
OK , mum of 3 here....one son of 28 who was the devils spawn....OMG he would lie about all and everything , he would also steal BUT if I found out he would be terrified , I d give him a back hander and still now he is respectful , my daughter is 22 soon , she has had 2 slaps in her whole life , once when she was 6 as she would not leave a friends house and was clinging onto the doorframe playing silly buggers , so I slapped her leg after trying the "nice mummy" approach.....then again at 16 she was due in at 10 o clock and still wasnt home at 12 one night , I d rang her friend who said she didnt know where she was , daughter arrived home and told me she had been with the friend I had just rang.....I slapped her right round the chops!!! DON'T YOU DARE LIE TO MUMMY !!!!
Son number 3 is only 9 and a placid easy child , hasnt needed any form of physical punishment , I am NOT a cruel mother , but have brought these up on my own , the first 2 have their own families now and are well adjusted adults who respect me.....
I believe you need to instill discipline while kids are young , mine have all been wary if I raise my voice , they are your kids NOT your mates....so be the parent! Simple !
Anonymous Coward
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09/23/2012 10:28 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
Your daughter is at the age when she's starting to learn about character.

I was a habitual liar when I was about that age (dysfunctional parents going through a nasty divorce were a big part of that, I suppose).

I lied because I was lazy. I lied to avoid trouble.

The most powerful lesson came from my Grandfather who sat me down one day and told me about Integrity. He simply taught me that integrity was like a glass of water, and each time you lie you pour some water out - and once it's gone, it's gone.

Also, he used to say all the time that, "Integrity is doing the right thing, even when no one is watching."

I also had an Uncle in the Air Force who went on to State Department. I really looked up to him as an example of how a man of character could achieve great things.

Best of luck.
Light to Go

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09/23/2012 10:29 AM

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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
Funny, just been pondering about a neighbor who is 40 with three kids and a wife that is a professional liar. He has caused problems in the neighborhood and an untold amount of stress in his personal relationships, including his wife and children. Let's look at it this way, the world is filled with liars, and many get what they want in life by manipulating the good people that are unsuspecting. But, eventually the lies do catch up with them, sooner or later. Additiionally, people are more aware of liars and are now developing intuition to know when they are being played. As time goes on this intuition will mature and liars will be transparent to the world.

Advice where this is a child? First, use your intuition to detect whether it is a lie or not. If unsure, look into the facts before making a decision. Create consequences if she lies. Point out the stablility and harmony of honesty. Because I believe when you lie constantly that you erode your insight of who you really are and what you really feel and value in the world. We are all connected to each other, and dishonesty lead to disharmony, and that DISHARMONY will become a personal way of life. She can do better with guidance. I wish you the best, it is hard to raise children today in a world that has rewarded lies. Good luck to you.
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wesang

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09/23/2012 10:29 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
Is it possible to go back to homeschooling her? You need to reel this in NOW, because if she's allowed to continue, she could end up like Casey Anthony. Maybe you could have her watch a documentary on that monster. She might look at it and realize she doesn't want to end up like that and change on her own. Good luck with whatever method you choose OP!hf
Anonymous Coward
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09/23/2012 10:30 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
...


Encouraging physical violence on a minor who can't defend herself properly, with a weapon that's exaggerated assault and illegal, you should be ashamed to say such things, do not confuse fear for respect.

Sit her down and tell her how her actions are making you feel treat her like a young adult and not a child, show her respect and she will show you some too. Will work.
 Quoting: PallasAthene


You Liberals make me sick...
 Quoting: BRIEF


I'm not a liberal, I just don't think physical coercion is appropriate in all circumstances, children would be an example of this, I'm not saying 'no discipline' after all are you yourself not against these dictator led societies in the middle east?! can't you see this is the same thing, you would then become the dictator over your own home, which would undermine the constitution you hold so dear to your heart, land of the free etc etc.

to be feared is not the same as to be loved.
 Quoting: PallasAthene


My home is not a democracy...I am King...what I say goes...I have just a few rules and they are nonnegotiable...among them are no tattoos, no spending the night with your girlfriend, and if you aren't at work then home by 10 PM on a school night.
 Quoting: BRIEF


I agree with you Brief....I take the same approach
Anonymous Coward
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09/23/2012 10:31 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
All of her technology = GONE.
 Quoting: snark

When my parents did that to me, i ran away and our relationship never got good again.
PallasAthene

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09/23/2012 10:33 AM

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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
...


Encouraging physical violence on a minor who can't defend herself properly, with a weapon that's exaggerated assault and illegal, you should be ashamed to say such things, do not confuse fear for respect.

Sit her down and tell her how her actions are making you feel treat her like a young adult and not a child, show her respect and she will show you some too. Will work.
 Quoting: PallasAthene


You Liberals make me sick...
 Quoting: BRIEF


I'm not a liberal, I just don't think physical coercion is appropriate in all circumstances, children would be an example of this, I'm not saying 'no discipline' after all are you yourself not against these dictator led societies in the middle east?! can't you see this is the same thing, you would then become the dictator over your own home, which would undermine the constitution you hold so dear to your heart, land of the free etc etc.

to be feared is not the same as to be loved.
 Quoting: PallasAthene


My home is not a democracy...I am King...what I say goes...I have just a few rules and they are nonnegotiable...among them are no tattoos, no spending the night with your girlfriend, and if you aren't at work then home by 10 PM on a school night.
 Quoting: BRIEF


Why does everything have to be one of two extremes? Democracy vs dictatorship aren't the only two options. You know whats funny though, when I was younger I lived by stricter rules than that, you're not really strict at all! Who's the liberal now ahah
Anonymous Coward
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09/23/2012 10:36 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
You can't do anything about it you can't make someone a certain way they are how they are.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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09/23/2012 10:38 AM
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Re: How do you punish a 13 year old habitual liar?
You can't do anything about it you can't make someone a certain way they are how they are.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24219938


You are correct if we were talking about an adult, but we're talking about a child.

That is your job as a parent. To raise them and mold them into being a good human being.

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