What I find enlightening is that your words appear to support this sense I've always had, that I really don't belong here.
Since I was a child, I have felt this connection to what I can only describe as 'the all'.
I have considered that my time here is out of place.
Early in life I began searching for something purer than the religious tenets I had been instructed in. Although comparative studies introduced me to many things which interested me in various ways, nothing spoke to me as clearly as when I began reading texts in Nag Hammadi. It was within those pages that I found peace, even though it was nothing more than coming to an understanding that I had a connection with something outside my frame of mind.
From there, I decided that my root was a form of energy I could not know, yet, knew all the same. It has never driven me to follow any precept; all I have is ME, and, this 'connection' that is with me always. It completes me, in an infinite motion ∞.
Funny, that on this plane I have little, yet, I have always felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction, despite life getting in the way. I know this might sound strange. It's like a corporeal 'disconnect' that is trumped by something grand, something I do not really understand, yet, comforting in it's aspect.
Still, I do not discount what I AM here. No matter what difficulties abound, I have this ability to happily go with the flow. It's poetic, really.
Though I would love to enjoy idyllic landscapes abounding with brooks and waterfalls and...well, let's just say a bit of 'heaven on earth, the virtue of such thoughts make me feel as if I am enjoying them none-the-less. For some, this will sound as a degree of denial, but, if this is the only way I can attain it, it's better than not have feeling it at all.
So, OP, I am ready to hear more.
Thanks for this thread!