You've put the onus on yourself as active agent, and yet if you knew the truth why would you hide it from yourself. Rather you don't want a gift given freely because you want to own it and claim it as yours apart from all else. It is given you, only you stop yourself from recieving it because you believe it comes at the cost of yourself. But you must be like a little child to enter the kingdom of heaven, and does a little child earn its own money, buy its own food, change its own clothes?