I understand your confusion and disillusionment. It does seem total impossible to reconcile a loving God to the terrible place hell is. In my early years as a Christian my intention was to be good so that I can avoid hell. Later I met Jesus and discovered what an awesome loving and caring God He is. Now I long to be wilth Him in His company face to face for all eternity. Was I brainwashed, no I just took time out to talk to him every day and soon enough He started talking back and I discovered the real meaning for my existence. God created me and all of humanity to simply be His Company. He asks for nothing more and he Loves us more than any other thing in the universe.

Don’t fall for the lie, don’t let Satan blame his atrocities on Jesus don’t you believe him. It is one of his oldest and most successful strategies to get people to turn from God. Satan is the one that torments us in Hell for all eternity and it is us that choose to go there. God does not force us to be with Him, we have to choose and do so willingly. If we choose not to be with him then he regrets but respects our choice and He lets us be. It is then that the wolves come to devour us.

So you tried to quit sin and you backslid. Please read 1Jhon 3:9, The key to a sinless life is to receive the holey Spirit. He is Jesus in you and He makes you Holey and gives you a peace that surpasses all understand, in fact I have that peace right now and to be frank it never left me but it grows and becomes all consuming. Choosing to dismiss religion is exactly what Satan wants you to do, and now you have booked you ticket the Hell. Stop every thing you do quit your church and set out on a pursuit to find the truth for your self you will be amazed.