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marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 15323087
United States
10/06/2012 06:26 PM
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marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
my wifes mom came into some money , had a family gathering, she gave each of her kids an envelope each contained 4000 dollars , i asked my wife for 400 for a crossbow , and a bit for survival food stuff...


well she says its hers not mine, weve been married for 12 yrs... im worreid what what will happen if i die will all the money left over be HERS and none go to my kids ...


im hurt , or am i just being greedy... i thought when you got married you became one in ALL respects....


The envelopes containg the money only had her kids name on it...


when i got my inheritence i opaid off her house...

ya know i asked to BORROW the money like id pay her in three cks postdated , she didnt evenm go for that...


like i said im devasataed or IS SHE RIGHT to do this...


im just fkn crushed!!!! i feel like this is the gamechanger ....


OR AM I WRONG ...please help with your opinion
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 15323087
United States
10/06/2012 06:27 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
oh i pay the bills
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 15323087
United States
10/06/2012 06:28 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
this happened last week havnt smiled since
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1183343
United States
10/06/2012 06:35 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
Sorry, OP, that sounds more like an "arrangement" than a marriage. A true marriage is all for one, one for all. Of course she should share her windfall! As you should with her. What, if one of you buys a Lotto ticket out of "Your" salary, that person is the one who has say over the money? Ridiculous! Same concept. (Now if it was $100 in birthday money that's a little different, she should spend it on herself)

Anyway, where is she putting the money -- doesn't it end up in the joint checking account? You really need to have a talk with her and see if this is a marriage or not!!!!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 17338098
United States
10/06/2012 06:38 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
I'm sorry OP...I can understand why you would feel hurt by this.

Personally, I think it is shared money, you guys are married after all.
Alexxa

User ID: 15293504
United States
10/06/2012 06:38 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
my wifes mom came into some money , had a family gathering, she gave each of her kids an envelope each contained 4000 dollars , i asked my wife for 400 for a crossbow , and a bit for survival food stuff...


well she says its hers not mine, weve been married for 12 yrs... im worreid what what will happen if i die will all the money left over be HERS and none go to my kids ...


im hurt , or am i just being greedy... i thought when you got married you became one in ALL respects....


The envelopes containg the money only had her kids name on it...


when i got my inheritence i opaid off her house...

ya know i asked to BORROW the money like id pay her in three cks postdated , she didnt evenm go for that...


like i said im devasataed or IS SHE RIGHT to do this...


im just fkn crushed!!!! i feel like this is the gamechanger ....


OR AM I WRONG ...please help with your opinion
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15323087


Honestly I am a married woman and from my perspective she is in the wrong if bills are paid and food is taken care of - she is in the wrong. Perhaps you can bring up your concerns with her......... I would feel rather unsettled also in your position- regardless of te outcome of the conversation you hopefully will have with her about the matter- I strongly suggest you make sure ( legally) you take are of your children should you pass away before she does.

Good health and good luck,

Alex
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 18847658
United States
10/06/2012 06:43 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
The love of money is the root of all evil.

Married people are supposed to share their resources.
It sounds like you have a problem op.

It sounds like you are loosing your oneness with the wife.
Pull her aside and calmly tell her how she hurt you.
See if you can work it out. If she really loves you she will
be sad that she hurt you and take steps to fix it.

Communication is the Key to a good relationship.
Tell the truth, be sincere. see what happens.
Relativity
Bullshit Radar

User ID: 1533848
United States
10/06/2012 06:51 PM

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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
my wifes mom came into some money , had a family gathering, she gave each of her kids an envelope each contained 4000 dollars , i asked my wife for 400 for a crossbow , and a bit for survival food stuff...


well she says its hers not mine, weve been married for 12 yrs... im worreid what what will happen if i die will all the money left over be HERS and none go to my kids ...


im hurt , or am i just being greedy... i thought when you got married you became one in ALL respects....


The envelopes containg the money only had her kids name on it...


when i got my inheritence i opaid off her house...

ya know i asked to BORROW the money like id pay her in three cks postdated , she didnt evenm go for that...


like i said im devasataed or IS SHE RIGHT to do this...


im just fkn crushed!!!! i feel like this is the gamechanger ....


OR AM I WRONG ...please help with your opinion
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15323087


Gamechanger. Her and her mother are fucked. Up.

I would be crushed as well OP.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 23746394
United States
10/06/2012 06:53 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
Tell her off. It's shared money. She married you. Tell her from now on any money you make is yours, and start writing your name on your stuff, and scold her if she touches it.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 13158115
United States
10/06/2012 06:54 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
You said you pay the bills. Just wondering does your wife get any discretionary $$? If she's a SAHM she might feel like she can't spend any of the family money on herself.
grassyknoll

User ID: 22185062
United States
10/06/2012 07:01 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
After marraige there is no money. Seriously,I've been thru marraiges and "arrangments" over many decades,and the only workable way is to each have your own checking accounts. You split the bills equally. You pay for your own car,clothes,hobbies,etc. If you (or your spouse) can't afford something,then you do without,no whining about "sharing". Anything you both use you split the costs. This way,you don't have to explain the new suit,or the new $400 handbag. Or why you spend so much on lunch every week. Putting both salaries into a joint account and only spend if you both agree is the shortest route to hurt feelings at best,and a quick divorce at worst.
Now just why in the HELL do I have to press "one" for English?

Politicians should always have their head in a noose,it keeps them upright and on their toes.

There may come a time when the only thing left to do is say "Fuck it!", draw your weapon,and see what happens.
Garman906

User ID: 25064515
United States
10/06/2012 07:08 PM

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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
First mistake.....take that envelope and give her a good slap across the kisser for not handing it over quicker. You never told her the rules?
The earth belongs to the animals. We were put here to look after them.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 15323087
United States
10/06/2012 07:24 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
You said you pay the bills. Just wondering does your wife get any discretionary $$? If she's a SAHM she might feel like she can't spend any of the family money on herself.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 13158115


ive NEVER refused her anything........
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25088815
Italy
10/06/2012 07:25 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
you should divorce her before she's going to ruin your life forever. What kind of marriage is if she won't give you 400 dollars? This is big dude, leave her, she also probably cheated on you already if this is her attitude torwards your marriage.
grassyknoll

User ID: 22185062
United States
10/06/2012 07:27 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
You said you pay the bills. Just wondering does your wife get any discretionary $$? If she's a SAHM she might feel like she can't spend any of the family money on herself.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 13158115


ive NEVER refused her anything........
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15323087


2nd mistake....
Now just why in the HELL do I have to press "one" for English?

Politicians should always have their head in a noose,it keeps them upright and on their toes.

There may come a time when the only thing left to do is say "Fuck it!", draw your weapon,and see what happens.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 15323087
United States
10/06/2012 07:27 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
oh yeah sshe makes 2000 a month last yr she said the money sha makes is HERS..... shes bailed her kid out to the tune of a few thou... hes been in an out of jail etc etc



how can i find out if shes squirrlin away money shes made 24 thou so far this yr and i see only 900 in her cking acct and savings...



thanks for your replys.... i was thiking i was righ to feel all fd up... but when this thing happens thi slate in the game you dont want reality to be what it is osmetimes...lov ya
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 15323087
United States
10/06/2012 07:27 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
shes paid maube 2000 toward bills this yr
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 13158115
United States
10/06/2012 07:31 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
So basically what's yours is hers and what's hers is hers?
BoboTheHobo

User ID: 22607002
United States
10/06/2012 07:32 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
2 words... Pimp slap
An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less until eventually they know everything about nothing ~ Anonymous
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21738912
United States
10/06/2012 07:35 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
You said you pay the bills. Just wondering does your wife get any discretionary $$? If she's a SAHM she might feel like she can't spend any of the family money on herself.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 13158115


This might be the case, in which case she feels right to for once have spending money.

Honestly if one person takes care of household costs and the other doesn't but no determination was made ahead of time for a situation like this one, don't expect to see the money. If you aren't sharing with her, she won't share with you. If she has to ask to purchase stuff, she probably won't share this extra cash with you. Etc and so forth. and fwiw, you are butthurt over 4k? over a 400 dollar xbow? Save up your money so you respect your xbow more than you will. Her own mother, mom, gave her that money. That sort of thing I'd also look at as different from sharing lottery proceeds. Her mom might've given stipulations on how she is allowed to spend the money. It was her mom's gift to her and not to you, so for all intents and purposes, it's your wifes. Inheritance issues are a bit retarded. If you have someone in your fam that gives you money for xmas gifts, does she get half? this list goes on and on. it's
stillhere

User ID: 16315970
United States
10/06/2012 07:38 PM

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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
Is her house in both of your names? If you paid her house off and you get divorced you will get that back.

If what she got was an Inheritance it is not marital property.

This is where money and marriage get sticky when there are kids involved and prior marriages.

It hurts everyone, but why should your wife's inheritance go to your children?

In second or third marriages it pays to have a legal plan for if and when either of you die. This will help everyone.

Money is very difficult for many couples to agree upon, take the time and don't let resentments ruin your relationship.

Have you considered that she might wish to buy you the crossbow for Christmas?

What was she going to do with the money--she might just want to put it into savings?

There is always more to the story.

Still, get a lawyer and have a clear will made up to protect your children, my father didn't and when he died his wife got all of his inheritance and now when she dies her kids will get what is left. Seeing as how the money was made by my grandparents I'm sure they didn't intend it to go to her children.

I let it go, but I'm sure your children will appreciate it if you take the time and effort to protect them.
peace

Last Edited by stillhere on 10/06/2012 07:40 PM
"You can bend it and twist it... You can misuse and abuse it... But even God cannot change the Truth.”
Michael Levy
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 24964206
Portugal
10/06/2012 07:39 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
only in america...
grassyknoll

User ID: 22185062
United States
10/06/2012 07:41 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
OK,guy,here is the real deal. Women will not respect a man who treats her nice. They always pine for the guy who was indifferent and demeaning,he was a "real man". I've seen this too many times. You want her heart,mind and soul? Make her feel like you don't know she exists. Act aloof. In other words,be a real dick. If you don't believe this,watch reruns of "Sex and the City". It is all about women chasing after the bad boy users.
Now just why in the HELL do I have to press "one" for English?

Politicians should always have their head in a noose,it keeps them upright and on their toes.

There may come a time when the only thing left to do is say "Fuck it!", draw your weapon,and see what happens.
SevenThunders

User ID: 15851599
United States
10/06/2012 07:41 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
Tell her you don't feel like she's treating your marriage like a partnership and it hurts. Therefore from now on your accounts will be separate from hers.

She can come to you if her job isn't covering her basic needs and apply for extra funds if you feel the cause is worthy. Maybe you can create a form for her to fill out, when she needs to request funds.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 14564403
United States
10/06/2012 07:45 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
If she loves you, she will surprise it on you for Christmas. If that doesn't happen, buy your own crossbow and take care of business.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21738912
United States
10/06/2012 07:47 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
You said you pay the bills. Just wondering does your wife get any discretionary $$? If she's a SAHM she might feel like she can't spend any of the family money on herself.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 13158115


This might be the case, in which case she feels right to for once have spending money.

Honestly if one person takes care of household costs and the other doesn't but no determination was made ahead of time for a situation like this one, don't expect to see the money. If you aren't sharing with her, she won't share with you. If she has to ask to purchase stuff, she probably won't share this extra cash with you. Etc and so forth. and fwiw, you are butthurt over 4k? over a 400 dollar xbow? Save up your money so you respect your xbow more than you will. Her own mother, mom, gave her that money. That sort of thing I'd also look at as different from sharing lottery proceeds. Her mom might've given stipulations on how she is allowed to spend the money. It was her mom's gift to her and not to you, so for all intents and purposes, it's your wifes. Inheritance issues are a bit retarded. If you have someone in your fam that gives you money for xmas gifts, does she get half? this list goes on and on. it's
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 21738912


sorry, meant to finish that thought. O.o

It's retarded.

But anyways, these things should be straightened out before the wedding. It appears there was a failure to straighten out money matters prior to putting a ring on it, so it's really not my problem in how you decide your fate. To end a marriage over 4k is a bit ridiculous, but so is marrying someone without making financial agreements ahead of time (verbal, prenup, or otherwise) is just asking for shit to hit the fan.

But now you know and next time you are on the dating scene you'll know better.

There are many degrees of things that need to be predetermined before marriage. I used to talk about this all the time on glp because I went more anonymous in my ways. Let me explain a few that are important:

*thoughts on raising kids (how to, how many, spanking, how to deal with a hellion, etc)
*willingness to have kids live with you after they are mature adults
*thoughts on hard and soft drugs/herbs
*smoking or lack thereof
*diet (ie: vegetarian, omnivore, etc)
*finances/dealing with debt
*travel interests
*debate vs full on verbal argument with namecalling etc
*emo issues, mental health issues, therapy, etc. if you both need a therapist would be a major thing to consider because if he/she doesn't want to go and you need couples therapy, you're a bit screwered.
*fav foods, hated foods, foods that better not be cooked in the house, etc
*types of movies, types of sports, types of extracurricular activities, types of tv shows watched
*time spent on the phone, on apps, on the computer, texting, or chatting with the moms or pops.
*whether to get married or remain happily dating until you both kick the bucket

Really this list is only as extensive as you or your significant other or potential significant other deem important. If you fail to make these determinations prior to happily ever after wedded bliss, it should fall to you to get things straight or leave (though whether I agree on if 4k should be used as leverage as to why the other person is terrible and should be divorced is not important).
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1106916
United States
10/06/2012 07:49 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
I would sit down with her and tell her how that made you feel when she said no. Just explain why, but he calm and not pointing the finger or looking to fight.

Just be honest and tell her how that made you feel and why.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25091232
United States
10/06/2012 07:50 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
If she inherited the money and the person who left it to her wanted it to be used on his or her blood relatives, then she should respect the dead persons wishes.Both from a legal and biblical standpoint. Does she have to prepare any sort of accounting for this money-are you aware of the details of the estate restrictions?

If you want to assure that your children are treated fairly after your death, then you should make consult an attny about inheritance laws in your state, and prepare your will accordingly.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 8398786
United States
10/06/2012 07:53 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
my wifes mom came into some money , had a family gathering, she gave each of her kids an envelope each contained 4000 dollars , i asked my wife for 400 for a crossbow , and a bit for survival food stuff...


well she says its hers not mine, weve been married for 12 yrs... im worreid what what will happen if i die will all the money left over be HERS and none go to my kids ...


im hurt , or am i just being greedy... i thought when you got married you became one in ALL respects....


The envelopes containg the money only had her kids name on it...


when i got my inheritence i opaid off her house...

ya know i asked to BORROW the money like id pay her in three cks postdated , she didnt evenm go for that...


like i said im devasataed or IS SHE RIGHT to do this...


im just fkn crushed!!!! i feel like this is the gamechanger ....


OR AM I WRONG ...please help with your opinion
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15323087


No, your right,cut her off the root.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1285189
Netherlands
10/06/2012 07:53 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
yea i dont know but after her getting that money you should have gotten the bow as a gift lol

whats up with borrowing money from your wife? i dont even do that whit a girlfriend. if she needs or wants something and i get affort it ill get it and vice versa
Lyttlmiss

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United States
10/06/2012 07:54 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
I would say mother from a parent to a child should not be communal. Just like inhetitance. Unless there is a need that needs to be filled the money is hers. Lottery paychecks, tax returns and all that is marital money. But money given as a gift or inheritance is not IMO. If you needed money for something like pay bills or medicine well then I would say should kick it in but otherwise it is her's.

And just idea here maybe you are being a bit selfish... Christmas is not far off if she knows you want a crossbow maybe she wants to suprise you with one.. Just something to think about.

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