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marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 24969748
United States
10/06/2012 08:52 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
To be married one must first divorce themselves.
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 08:55 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
My wife and I have one account. If either of us want to buy anything beyond basics like groceries and gas, we always discuss it. I really don't understand the concept of separate accounts in a marriage. It creates the opportunity for deciept and sews the seeds of mistrust.
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 08:59 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
OP, she has some need that is satisfied with the money that the person gave to her. It sounds like this need is very profound need associated with the attachment with this person or some internal need to have something that is "hers." Perhaps she wants to think for some time about the possible uses for the money. Perhaps she will reveal these possible uses after some time. I doubt at that point you will be left out of the equation.

Om Brzee Namaha.
sylvie

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10/06/2012 09:02 PM

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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
So basically what's yours is hers and what's hers is hers?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 13158115


I'm a married woman too, and that's just wrong.
Mickeyblue
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10/06/2012 09:02 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
You are equaTING asking for a crossbow and your wife taking care of (whose?) children. Is she the mother?
Little Fish

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10/06/2012 09:10 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
I would say mother from a parent to a child should not be communal. Just like inhetitance. Unless there is a need that needs to be filled the money is hers. Lottery paychecks, tax returns and all that is marital money. But money given as a gift or inheritance is not IMO. If you needed money for something like pay bills or medicine well then I would say should kick it in but otherwise it is her's.

 Quoting: Lyttlmiss



This. However, it doesn't seem like she's contributing any of her earned money either. I would let the money her mom gave her go, but marriage is supposed to be a partnership. If she's making money and you are paying all the bills and can't afford to buy something you want because of it, yet she keeps her money, you need to put a stop to that.
grasptheuniverse

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Australia
10/06/2012 09:21 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
Holy shit thats so not cool. Thats a big red flag when a spouse starts behaving like that. Money in the family should be for all and all should get the benifit. You had every right to ask for an amount it was such a small amount compared to the 4,000 that she had. Be careful this is a HUGE sign. You need to start protecting assets so that your kids can be protected. All to often this happens when the guy dies and the wife takes everything from the kids. Its seems to be a control situation. This is a serious gamechanger but bide your time and see what happens. Is the house in your name and hers, you know that you should be able to leave your share to your kids, well you can here in australia. Rules may be different there. If the house is yours alone make a will protecting your kids future.
caz
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 09:28 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
my wifes mom came into some money , had a family gathering, she gave each of her kids an envelope each contained 4000 dollars , i asked my wife for 400 for a crossbow , and a bit for survival food stuff...


well she says its hers not mine, weve been married for 12 yrs... im worreid what what will happen if i die will all the money left over be HERS and none go to my kids ...


im hurt , or am i just being greedy... i thought when you got married you became one in ALL respects....


The envelopes containg the money only had her kids name on it...


when i got my inheritence i opaid off her house...

ya know i asked to BORROW the money like id pay her in three cks postdated , she didnt evenm go for that...


like i said im devasataed or IS SHE RIGHT to do this...


im just fkn crushed!!!! i feel like this is the gamechanger ....


OR AM I WRONG ...please help with your opinion
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15323087


The simple fact that you used YOUR inheritance to pay off HER house, is reason enough that she should share hers with you. I think you should remind her of this too, don't bottle up your feelings or your relationship could worsen.
I have been in a similar situation but we made it through.. good luck
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 09:29 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
In my opinion its crap. I inherited 3000 after my paternal grandfather's death and it went towards paying off my husband's debt from before we were married. I'm a stay at home mother as well and while I would normally agree that maybe she feels cut off or something.. but it seems as though she's doing okay.

Just my two cents- sit down and talk about it. She's acting very strange.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
10/06/2012 09:30 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
I would say mother from a parent to a child should not be communal. Just like inhetitance. Unless there is a need that needs to be filled the money is hers. Lottery paychecks, tax returns and all that is marital money. But money given as a gift or inheritance is not IMO. If you needed money for something like pay bills or medicine well then I would say should kick it in but otherwise it is her's.

 Quoting: Lyttlmiss



This. However, it doesn't seem like she's contributing any of her earned money either. I would let the money her mom gave her go, but marriage is supposed to be a partnership. If she's making money and you are paying all the bills and can't afford to buy something you want because of it, yet she keeps her money, you need to put a stop to that.
 Quoting: Little Fish


I agree.. perhaps let the inheritance go, but she needs to contribute something if she's bringing in some income. It sounds to me like OP probably gives up a lot for her and it just doesn't seem fair.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
10/06/2012 09:35 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
my wifes mom came into some money , had a family gathering, she gave each of her kids an envelope each contained 4000 dollars , i asked my wife for 400 for a crossbow , and a bit for survival food stuff...


well she says its hers not mine, weve been married for 12 yrs... im worreid what what will happen if i die will all the money left over be HERS and none go to my kids ...


im hurt , or am i just being greedy... i thought when you got married you became one in ALL respects....


The envelopes containg the money only had her kids name on it...


when i got my inheritence i opaid off her house...

ya know i asked to BORROW the money like id pay her in three cks postdated , she didnt evenm go for that...


like i said im devasataed or IS SHE RIGHT to do this...


im just fkn crushed!!!! i feel like this is the gamechanger ....


OR AM I WRONG ...please help with your opinion
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15323087


Now you see things in the cold light of day. Same thing has been happening to me the past few years.

My advice? I don't have any great advice because it's a bad situation, but it's typical of many marriages, stable ones.

Are you raising kids together? If so stay together. If not, stay or go as you choose.

If you stay, don't try to convince her that money should be "ours". It's not how she's made, and it will make you seem weak and begging. Instead go for her formulation. Money you paid for her debts is gone (unless you divorce, then maybe you could mention it to the court regarding the settlement.)

What's yours is yours, what's hers is hers. Start talking about YOUR money. Because that's how it is. And if she says she is sorry and wants to go back to everything being "ours", well I personally did not because I just see my wife differently now, but it's up to you.

hf
Meligrove

User ID: 22345941
Canada
10/06/2012 09:35 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
You said you pay the bills. Just wondering does your wife get any discretionary $$? If she's a SAHM she might feel like she can't spend any of the family money on herself.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 13158115


ive NEVER refused her anything........
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15323087


2nd mistake....
 Quoting: grassyknoll


^yep... sounds like your whipped op, you need to grow a pair and stand up. Right now she knows you'll do anything for her but she wont repay the favor.

Last Edited by Meligrove on 10/06/2012 09:36 PM
What you perceive to be is your reality.

I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 09:39 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
ditch the bitch.
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 09:39 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
In my opinion its crap. I inherited 3000 after my paternal grandfather's death and it went towards paying off my husband's debt from before we were married. I'm a stay at home mother as well and while I would normally agree that maybe she feels cut off or something.. but it seems as though she's doing okay.

Just my two cents- sit down and talk about it. She's acting very strange.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24419775


Good to hear a woman agree it's crap. But from my guy perspective, there's nothing to talk about. There is no uncertainty left; if she were what we hope, such words could not escape her mouth in 1000 years.

So ... I respect you for seeing it rightly in my view, but there's a typical woman tendency to tell guys to give women endless chances and be too nice to them; from this guy's experience that is a fail and it isn't how we're made if we are thinking properly anyway.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
10/06/2012 09:41 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
In my state half goes to the wife and half is split up amongst the kids if someone dies. Call a lawyer.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 24124662
United States
10/06/2012 09:44 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
Thought about converting to Islam? I would if I were in this situation.
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 09:45 PM
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Thought about converting to Islam? I would if I were in this situation.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24124662


Would the courts then recognize Sharia law regarding the marriage and family?
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 09:47 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
In my opinion its crap. I inherited 3000 after my paternal grandfather's death and it went towards paying off my husband's debt from before we were married. I'm a stay at home mother as well and while I would normally agree that maybe she feels cut off or something.. but it seems as though she's doing okay.

Just my two cents- sit down and talk about it. She's acting very strange.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24419775


Good to hear a woman agree it's crap. But from my guy perspective, there's nothing to talk about. There is no uncertainty left; if she were what we hope, such words could not escape her mouth in 1000 years.

So ... I respect you for seeing it rightly in my view, but there's a typical woman tendency to tell guys to give women endless chances and be too nice to them; from this guy's experience that is a fail and it isn't how we're made if we are thinking properly anyway.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 23597994


Eh, this isn't an issue in my marriage so maybe that's it. When I decided to stay home we made a plan for how we would handle money since obviously I still need to buy things even if its just household stuff. Also, if they haven't had any major issues before this then talking about it might help. Not to mention, if she is squirreling away money she might let it slip.
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 09:52 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
KEEP YOUR DEPRESSING MARRIAGE TO YOURSELF!
Angelic_Warrior

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10/06/2012 09:52 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
But anyways, these things should be straightened out before the wedding.



I'm sorry but some things can not be put in writing.
This is, in my opinion a matter of the heart. I'm guessing you want her.. to want to give you the money. It might not seem like a huge deal but it speaks volumes.

I think by his wife refusing him the money he has felt devalued/rejected/unloved in the deepest sense of the word. Never mind the fact that most people use crossbows to HUNT with, which is benefiting the entire family.

Alot of dynamics going on here. If she's not used to having her own money.. this might be giving her a "high" of sorts. Security.. whatever.

OP is crushed. I totally get that. Sometimes we expect people, most especially our mates to just naturally want to do something special for us. To have actually asked for the $$ and been refused.. that's a form of rejection and none of us deal with that well.

I would handle the situation right away.. the more you think about it, the more p o'd and resentful you are going to feel.

It's frustrating.. I know.

You have young children.. suck it up (easier said than done) and teach them to be loving, giving and thoughtful people. In the self absorbed world we live in, traits like this are every bit as precious as gold.

My heart hurts for ya.. I feel your pain. It's a lot easier to heal a broken leg than a broken heart.

Blessings to you my friend.
But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.
I Corinthians 2:14

God doesn't choose favorites.. They choose HIM

It is not the greatness of my faith that moves mountains but my faith in the greatness of God
Angelic_Warrior

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10/06/2012 09:55 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
Thought about converting to Islam? I would if I were in this situation.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24124662


Surely you jest censored
But the natural man receiveth not the things of the Spirit of God: for they are foolishness unto him: neither can he know them, because they are spiritually discerned.
I Corinthians 2:14

God doesn't choose favorites.. They choose HIM

It is not the greatness of my faith that moves mountains but my faith in the greatness of God
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 23597994
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10/06/2012 09:58 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
In my opinion its crap. I inherited 3000 after my paternal grandfather's death and it went towards paying off my husband's debt from before we were married. I'm a stay at home mother as well and while I would normally agree that maybe she feels cut off or something.. but it seems as though she's doing okay.

Just my two cents- sit down and talk about it. She's acting very strange.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24419775


Good to hear a woman agree it's crap. But from my guy perspective, there's nothing to talk about. There is no uncertainty left; if she were what we hope, such words could not escape her mouth in 1000 years.

So ... I respect you for seeing it rightly in my view, but there's a typical woman tendency to tell guys to give women endless chances and be too nice to them; from this guy's experience that is a fail and it isn't how we're made if we are thinking properly anyway.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 23597994


Eh, this isn't an issue in my marriage so maybe that's it. When I decided to stay home we made a plan for how we would handle money since obviously I still need to buy things even if its just household stuff. Also, if they haven't had any major issues before this then talking about it might help. Not to mention, if she is squirreling away money she might let it slip.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24419775


Thank you, you are wiser than I.

It makes sense to have a friendly interview (to her it's friendly or even intimate, to you it's a structured interview) to find out what she does with money.

Then think again with the information gained.
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 10:01 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
But anyways, these things should be straightened out before the wedding.



I'm sorry but some things can not be put in writing.
This is, in my opinion a matter of the heart. I'm guessing you want her.. to want to give you the money. It might not seem like a huge deal but it speaks volumes.

I think by his wife refusing him the money he has felt devalued/rejected/unloved in the deepest sense of the word. Never mind the fact that most people use crossbows to HUNT with, which is benefiting the entire family.

Alot of dynamics going on here. If she's not used to having her own money.. this might be giving her a "high" of sorts. Security.. whatever.

OP is crushed. I totally get that. Sometimes we expect people, most especially our mates to just naturally want to do something special for us. To have actually asked for the $$ and been refused.. that's a form of rejection and none of us deal with that well.

I would handle the situation right away.. the more you think about it, the more p o'd and resentful you are going to feel.

It's frustrating.. I know.

You have young children.. suck it up (easier said than done) and teach them to be loving, giving and thoughtful people. In the self absorbed world we live in, traits like this are every bit as precious as gold.

My heart hurts for ya.. I feel your pain. It's a lot easier to heal a broken leg than a broken heart.

Blessings to you my friend.
 Quoting: Angelic_Warrior


I don't think this is taught. It's how people are. Trying to "teach" that to kids is almost as futile as trying to "teach" the wife that since OP has shared with her freely, she should do the same.

It's not something that's learned. There's no need to discuss it (except as a part of an information-gathering interview, as a very wise lady mentioned just above.)
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 10:03 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
But anyways, these things should be straightened out before the wedding.



I'm sorry but some things can not be put in writing.
This is, in my opinion a matter of the heart. I'm guessing you want her.. to want to give you the money. It might not seem like a huge deal but it speaks volumes.

I think by his wife refusing him the money he has felt devalued/rejected/unloved in the deepest sense of the word. Never mind the fact that most people use crossbows to HUNT with, which is benefiting the entire family.

Alot of dynamics going on here. If she's not used to having her own money.. this might be giving her a "high" of sorts. Security.. whatever.

OP is crushed. I totally get that. Sometimes we expect people, most especially our mates to just naturally want to do something special for us. To have actually asked for the $$ and been refused.. that's a form of rejection and none of us deal with that well.

I would handle the situation right away.. the more you think about it, the more p o'd and resentful you are going to feel.

It's frustrating.. I know.

You have young children.. suck it up (easier said than done) and teach them to be loving, giving and thoughtful people. In the self absorbed world we live in, traits like this are every bit as precious as gold.

My heart hurts for ya.. I feel your pain. It's a lot easier to heal a broken leg than a broken heart.

Blessings to you my friend.
 Quoting: Angelic_Warrior


If they were married 12 years already, this was likely one of those situations that came unexpectedly. Who asks their fiance if they would be willing to share inheritance money?

I don't see why he should suck it up if he paid off her house with his own inheritance... she would not be "doing something special" for him, but instead returning a great favor that is likely petty in comparison.
sinco

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United States
10/06/2012 10:18 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
Ya know I feel ya, youre right, 100% right my friend.. Thats very scandalous of your wife not to "share the wealth" just a little.. Ive been married for 14 years (im 33, my wife is 2 years younger then me, yes we got married young blahblah thats another story) at 14 my wife got in an car accident, at 21 she got the settlement 17 grand.. I ask her for not a dime i actually wanted nothing to do with the money but guess what, for a alomost 22 year old wife she still put 7 grand of HER money in my sock drawer in a bulova watch case she bought me (ive always a thing for bulova watches) she bought me a watch and gave me 7 grand to fuck off with or this and that.. I put that money well 5 grand of it anyhow into a buddies business that did quite well and i tripled it nearly.. to this day i still have that 7 grand + some, shes never asked for it back or brought up a "i gave you 7 grand waaahhhwahhha i fucking hate you cocksucker motherfucker" type thing.. what Im trying to say is this.... Sounds like your wife is a greedy cunt that will snatch up anything she can get her grubby little crumb snatchers on.. 4k is NOT alot of money today and asking for a measly 400 to buy some fun shit that interest you is not out of line.. thats my take.... also, whens the last time she put your dick in her mouth? may wanna start re-evaluating you situation long as young kids arent involved.. sorry for the abrasion but lets be honest here... good luck buddy..

Last Edited by sinco on 10/06/2012 10:26 PM
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tiger1

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10/06/2012 10:21 PM

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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
OP, since you paid off the house with your inheritance, she should be considerate with the money she inherited. I can see her giving her kids some money, but she should not have left you out.
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 10:25 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
Seek counseling, there is no mine and yours in marriage, only ours.
ceawaves

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10/06/2012 10:30 PM

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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
OP, since you paid off the house with your inheritance, she should be considerate with the money she inherited. I can see her giving her kids some money, but she should not have left you out.
 Quoting: tiger1


Wouldn't count on or assume that, not at all/ true colors come out when there's money involved..if she this selfish with a small amount, don't count on her 'sharing any other wealth.'
Anonymous Coward
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10/06/2012 10:32 PM
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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
join the army
telling it straight

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10/06/2012 10:33 PM

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Re: marriage and money ? need help please, married peeps
I'm totally with you, OP although I will say that its possible that part of her attitude is rooted in that fact that that's from her mother--like its a tangible sign that in a way her mother's still with her. My father left me a little money and all I wanted to do was just leave it because it helped me feel connected to him. If its not something like that then I think you're 100% right to feel as you do and I'd talk candidly to her about how you're feeling.

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