"The Awful German Language" by Mark Twain

Best. Thread. Ever.
But I must admit, I like the german language. And if you think it's hard to master... Try hungarian. Some say it is related to sumerian. Very complex and very well-sounding.

German-dialect-wise, I love the franconian dialect. It sounds a lot like english, and if you're deeply into it, no other german can understand a word u'r sayin :)

Correct, because :

Oiso mia in Östareich redn ka görman sundan unsa eiganes Deitsch des wos si nit nua aundas auheat ois wias deitsche, es wiad a gaunz aundas gschriem.

And only in austrian german the following makes sense:

Do iat a di und do iat a di und do iat a di a

"I went often to look at the collection of curiosities in Heidelberg Castle, and one day I surprised the keeper of it with my German. I spoke entirely in that language. He was greatly interested; and after I had talked a while he said my German was very rare, possibly a "unique"; and wanted to add it to his museum.

If he had known what it had cost me to acquire my art, he would also have known that it would break any collector to buy it. Harris and I had been hard at work on our German during several weeks at that time, and although we had made good progress, it had been accomplished under great difficulty and annoyance, for three of our teachers had died in the mean time. A person who has not studied German can form no idea of what a perplexing language it is.

Surely there is not another language that is so slipshod and systemless, and so slippery and elusive to the grasp. One is washed about in it, hither and thither, in the most helpless way; and when at last he thinks he has captured a rule which offers firm ground to take a rest on amid the general rage and turmoil of the ten parts of speech, he turns over the page and reads, "Let the pupil make careful note of the following exceptions." He runs his eye down and finds that there are more exceptions to the rule than instances of it. So overboard he goes again, to hunt for another Ararat and find another quicksand. Such has been, and continues to be, my experience. Every time I think I have got one of these four confusing "cases" where I am master of it, a seemingly insignificant preposition intrudes itself into my sentence, clothed with an awful and unsuspected power, and crumbles the ground from under me. For instance, my book inquires after a certain bird -- (it is always inquiring after things which are of no sort of consequence to anybody): "Where is the bird?" Now the answer to this question -- according to the book -- is that the bird is waiting in the blacksmith shop on account of the rain. Of course no bird would do that, but then you must stick to the book. Very well, I begin to cipher out the German for that answer. I begin at the wrong end, necessarily, for that is the German idea. I say to myself, "Regen (rain) is masculine -- or maybe it is feminine -- or possibly neuter -- it is too much trouble to look now. Therefore, it is either der (the) Regen, or die (the) Regen, or das (the) Regen, according to which gender it may turn out to be when I look. In the interest of science, I will cipher it out on the hypothesis that it is masculine. Very well -- then the rain is der Regen, if it is simply in the quiescent state of being mentioned, without enlargement or discussion -- Nominative case; but if this rain is lying around, in a kind of a general way on the ground, it is then definitely located, it is doing something -- that is, resting (which is one of the German grammar's ideas of doing something), and this throws the rain into the Dative case, and makes it dem Regen. However, this rain is not resting, but is doing something actively, -- it is falling -- to interfere with the bird, likely -- and this indicates movement, which has the effect of sliding it into the Accusative case and changing dem Regen into den Regen." Having completed the grammatical horoscope of this matter, I answer up confidently and state in German that the bird is staying in the blacksmith shop "wegen (on account of) den Regen." Then the teacher lets me softly down with the remark that whenever the word "wegen" drops into a sentence, it always throws that subject into the Genitive case, regardless of consequences -- and that therefore this bird stayed in the blacksmith shop "wegen des Regens.""


[link to www.crossmyt.com]

Just as I remember it, everything you try to say ends up getting twice as long in German!

This may often come in useful:

"Entschuldigen Sie mich bitte, wo sind die Toiletten"

Can you guess what it says?

German is a relatively easy language. If you know Latin you're used to declensions and can learn German without great difficulty. That's what German teachers tell you at the first lesson. Then you start studying the der, die, das, den... and they tell you that everything follows a logical order. So it's easy. And to prove it, let's look at an example more closely.

You sign up for first-year German and go out and buy the textbook. It's a beautiful, hard-bound book, published in Dortmund, which talks about the customs of the Hottentots (Hottentotten in German). The book tells us that when opossums (Beutelratten) are captured, they are placed in cages (Kasten) with bars made of wood slats (Lattengitter) to keep them from escaping. These cages are called Lattengitterkasten in German and when there is an opossum inside, are know as Beutelrattenlattengitterkasten. One day, the Hottentot police arrests a would-be murderer (Attentäter), who allegedly tried to kill a Hottentot mother (Mutter). Her son is a good-for-nothing stutterer (Stottertrottel). That mother is, thus, a Hottentottenstottertrottelmutter and her would-be murderer is a Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentäter.

Easy, right? So the police captures the suspect and put him, for the time being, in an opossum cage (Beutelrattenlattengitterkasten), but the prisoner escapes! A search ensues and a Hottentot warrior cries out,

"I have captured the murder suspect (den Attentäter)!"

"Yes? Which one?" asks the chieftain.

"The Beutelrattenlattengitterkastenattentäter!" replies the warrior.

"What? The murder suspect who was in the opossum cage?" asks the Hottentot chieftain.

"That's right," says the warrior, "the Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterattentäter."

By now you know enough German to understand that he's talking about the would-be murderer of the mother of the good-for-nothing Hottentot stutterer, right?

"Oh, I see", says the Hottentot chieftain, "why didn't you say so right away? You could have begun by saying that you had captured the Hottentottenstottertrottelmutterbeutelrattenlattengitterkaste​nattentäter!".

As you can see, German is a very easy language. All you have to do is pay a little attention.

"Matthew 23

King James Version (KJV)

12 And whosoever shall exalt himself shall be abased; and he that shall humble himself shall be exalted."

"Harry 18 (HPV)

72 Don't spread your religious bullshit all over the threads or all the devils will come out of hell and bite your ass."


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