:) Thanks. I'll have to look up the book. Quoting: The Light Under the Door
I like gaining access to my memories. They may be fucked up beyond belief, but they are mine. For the years between (when the memories were buried) it's like I was doing things without knowing where those actions were coming from, had strong opinions about things yet the opinions seemingly came out of thin air, and then there were my "random" overreactions to some things and the way I immediately protected anyone that might fall even vaguely into the category of covert abuser.
It's so much easier to know where in the hell I'm coming from, even if it's a bad place..at least I can stop now and say "well maybe I'm being triggered by this now because they did A and B to trigger me like that back then". Or I can say..well, this one here is using classic trigger phrases on me to the point where I would have just felt seriously uncomfortable before and yet still put up with it, but now I'm thinking this isn't a healthy person to let in my life (not everyone does that to me but there have been a few over the years..can you imagine not even being able to identify people that could trigger you to do what they wanted instead of what you wanted? Jesus Christ, the least I should be able to identify is my own freaking abusers)..
Yeah, that sounds like classic dissociation. In fact, if you apply the BASK model to its logical ends, you could argue that even PTSD is a form of dissociation. Because of the thorough dissociation, it seems most women don't wake up to their sordid past abuse until they hit the menopause-ish age. Something in the hormone fluctuation pokes holes in those amnesia walls, I guess. I'm pretty young to be figuring this shit out for myself, but I'm still amazed at the years I spent completely oblivious to the abuse - from childhood to just a few months ago. Most of my memories are still buried, but bits are coming back. I have DID, and I think some of my inside parts are feeling now is the time to put a stop to it, so they're trying to clue me in on what has really been going on. Maybe that's what's going on with you. Maybe not. But really, I can
imagine what it's like to not be able to identify my abusers while it's going on. Family, boyfriends, church people, and possibly others I haven't figured out yet. It kind of freaks you out, doesn't it?
I want to encourage you not to give up in figuring this shit out. Don't forget that these bastard fucks could have placed a few "screen memories" in place (through hypnotic suggestion) to cover up reality. So, when you start to put pieces together, don't be afraid to move those pieces around and reassemble them at a later date. (This is something I'm still working on, too).
You'll get through this. And hopefully, one day, you can bring your abusers to justice. That's my ultimate goal, anyway.
On a side note, somebody suggested the movie Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to me on my MK Ultra thread back in August. It did give me some of that, "fuck yeah, get 'em back!" high, but it also triggered an alter pretty hardcore. Nothing bad happened, it was just weird to switch like that lol So, I guess I recommend it with caution ;)