Yeah, that sounds like classic dissociation. In fact, if you apply the BASK model to its logical ends, you could argue that even PTSD is a form of dissociation. Because of the thorough dissociation, it seems most women don't wake up to their sordid past abuse until they hit the menopause-ish age. Something in the hormone fluctuation pokes holes in those amnesia walls, I guess. I'm pretty young to be figuring this shit out for myself, but I'm still amazed at the years I spent completely oblivious to the abuse - from childhood to just a few months ago. Most of my memories are still buried, but bits are coming back. I have DID, and I think some of my inside parts are feeling now is the time to put a stop to it, so they're trying to clue me in on what has really been going on. Maybe that's what's going on with you. Maybe not. But really, I can imagine what it's like to not be able to identify my abusers while it's going on. Family, boyfriends, church people, and possibly others I haven't figured out yet. It kind of freaks you out, doesn't it? Quoting: Runaway
I want to encourage you not to give up in figuring this shit out. Don't forget that these bastard fucks could have placed a few "screen memories" in place (through hypnotic suggestion) to cover up reality. So, when you start to put pieces together, don't be afraid to move those pieces around and reassemble them at a later date. (This is something I'm still working on, too).
You'll get through this. And hopefully, one day, you can bring your abusers to justice. That's my ultimate goal, anyway.
On a side note, somebody suggested the movie Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to me on my MK Ultra thread back in August. It did give me some of that, "fuck yeah, get 'em back!" high, but it also triggered an alter pretty hardcore. Nothing bad happened, it was just weird to switch like that lol So, I guess I recommend it with caution ;)
You may be on to something with the hormones. Every time I used to mention remembering my birth mother, one of my long term abusers would ask "Are you pregnant?" as if that was the reason I remembered.
I'm nowhere near menopause though lol. I was just given enough evidence that I couldn't really ignore what had happened any more. It didn't help that I was stuck in PTSD "is this still going on" hell at the time (I still can't answer the question about the present honestly..in fact I tend to bury, hide, and make excuses for things in the present which is a sign that there's something to bury, hide, and make excuses for).
I don't know about DID...it would explain some things, but I don't trust anything that puts nice tidy little explanation-ribbons on things. I do use some of the DID communication techniques to access the part of me that was drugged or otherwise under the influence during a lot of the programming. I have a mental block between drugged me and un-drugged me that I'm pretty sure was just caused by some strong narcotics or hypnotic suggestion, etc but however it got there it is a huge memory block and so accessing it was an absolute bitch at first until I decided to treat it as if I were dealing with a separate person instead of just another part of my own head.
And yeah, not knowing who your abusers are sucks, what's worse is when you like them.
Hang in there