Godlike Productions - Conspiracy Forum
Users Online Now: 2,471 (Who's On?)Visitors Today: 1,872,156
Pageviews Today: 2,658,134Threads Today: 616Posts Today: 12,377
06:51 PM


Rate this Thread

Absolute BS Crap Reasonable Nice Amazing
 

29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1404
United States
01/18/2006 05:29 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

4. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

5. Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

6. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

7. Chuck Norris only m*****bates to pictures of Chuck Norris (Note to readers, to learn why I have partially censored this item, click here).

8. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

9. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

10. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

11. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

12. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

13. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

14. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

15. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

16. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

17. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

18. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

19. Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "****ing."

20. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

21. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

22. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

23. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

24. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

25. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

26. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

27. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

28. Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64081
Australia
01/18/2006 05:33 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
And the point of all this?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1871
United States
01/18/2006 05:40 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
like 29 rofl
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 1404
United States
01/18/2006 06:25 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
The point is on the top of your pin head. Seriously, go look at it real close like in the mirror.
janderson
User ID: 64105
South Africa
01/18/2006 06:56 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
1404, quite an accurate list, but you omitted

30. the horror movie character "chucky" was based on the fictional scenario of chuck norris being born 5 months premature as a result of his mother eating a dodgy blowfish.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 4153
United States
01/18/2006 08:31 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
OLD

DONE


TIRED OF IT
lisa nli
User ID: 63813
United States
01/18/2006 08:55 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
So what you're saying OP is that Chuck won't return your calls or letters and you are some kinda wicked pissed off now?
I'm just sayin'.
:) lisa
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 43358
United States
01/18/2006 10:12 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
Thanks OP, I thought they were funny.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64137
United States
01/18/2006 10:17 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
That's Funny!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 63355
United States
01/18/2006 10:31 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
May someone say horrible things about YOU like this behind YOUR back! You are accountable for EVERY WORD YOU speak and write about others....this WILL come back on YOU someday!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64137
United States
01/18/2006 10:48 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
You tard,
The OP obviously thinks Chuck Friggin Norris IS A GOD!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64131
United States
01/18/2006 10:49 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
weird thread...
anonymous
User ID: 38603
Canada
01/18/2006 10:51 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
30> Any (Even the most ordinary) fighter from UFC or pride OR KOTC Can humiliate him and his karate technics. He handed his ass to machados brother so he decided to earn jiu-jitsu.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64155
United States
01/18/2006 11:47 AM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
chuck Norris is best movie actor on tv
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64165
United States
01/18/2006 12:20 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
38603 You have no Idea how wrong you are.

The OP sounds like a hollywood stalker.

Chuck is a piss poor actor, but he can fight for real.
Anonymous
User ID: 64346
Canada
01/18/2006 10:44 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
"38603 You have no Idea how wrong you are.

The OP sounds like a hollywood stalker.

Chuck is a piss poor actor, but he can fight for real."


LOL. I think YOU have no experience or knowledge of fighting. SO please just get lost. This guy is an Actor, just like bruce lee was, or jacky chang.

What doest names like Grace Royce, TIto Ortiz, frank shamrock or Andre Arlovsky tell you? NOthing? then just STFU
Claycat

User ID: 64325
United States
01/18/2006 10:49 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
I used to like Chuck Norris until I realized he was a hypocrite. He was Mr. AntiDrug, but he and his pals on his show hung out at a bar. Then he appeared on Cigar Aficionado with a huge cigar in his mouth. Mr. AntiDrug, give me a break!
"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy." William Shakespeare
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 60195
United States
01/18/2006 10:50 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
64346
just like bruce lee was...
----------------------
just an actor?? bruce lee?? you are so not knowing what you talk about
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64354
United States
01/18/2006 11:18 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
64346 You are completely mistaken.

Claycat, you are 100% right.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 8888
United States
01/18/2006 11:20 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
How you Doin Chuck, posting here on GLP? you must be bored to death, Dont ya?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64211
United States
01/18/2006 11:22 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
Chuck the faggot NORRIS IS A TRINITY CHRISTIAN BROADCAST CHANNEL PEDOPHILE
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1405
United States
01/18/2006 11:26 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
you've been hanging out on the WoW forums too much, OP.
Anonymous
User ID: 64346
Canada
01/18/2006 11:26 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
60195:

Guys please, if you still believe in all that bullcrap a la bruce lee/ steven seegal/ jacky chang you might have some serious issues and look for help.

Bruce lee was esentially an actor, with some goog technics and yes he was kind of 'ahead of his time' but no more than an actor and he never really had a real fight (REAL ONE) in his entire life.
(And he weighted no more than 125 pounds)


Same with Chuck Norris. Those things are never published but a Machado brother KICKED his ass in brazil in the mid 90's, when i say kicked, i mean he was literally submitted in less than 1 minute. He then decided to lear jiu-jitsu from the machado brothers.

99% of you might think Mike tyson is the baddest ass in this planet but many guys out there (Tito, fedor, arlovsky, shamrock, nogueira, silva, ricco rodriguez) WOUL KILL THIS GUY.

Lesson 1: WHEN YOU HAVE NO IDEA WTF YOU TALK ABOUT JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN

[link to www.ufc.tv]
[link to www.sherdog.com]
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64357
United States
01/18/2006 11:26 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
# 30 as a former UFAF member....

Chuck "Mr.Ass" Norris, is a fracking sell-out phoney!!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 30587
United States
01/18/2006 11:27 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris happens to be a family friend, you idiot. If you say something, please know what you're talking about, dimwit.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64211
United States
01/18/2006 11:28 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
HES ANOTHER BUSH WORSHIPPING FAT ASSED ARNOLD THE TERMANATOR IE A PIECE OF SHIT gwdance
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64357
United States
01/18/2006 11:28 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris happens to be a family friend, you idiot. If you say something, please know what you're talking about, dimwit
**********************************

More then most others, I DO
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 30587
United States
01/18/2006 11:28 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
If you want to know about Chuck, ask. I can't sit here and listen to spout off about a man you know nothing about.
Sinanju nli
User ID: 63941
United States
01/18/2006 11:28 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
Tank Abbot.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 30587
United States
01/18/2006 11:29 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
64357,

How do you know Chuck?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 64211
United States
01/18/2006 11:30 PM
Report Abusive Post
Report Copyright Violation
Re: 29 Things You Didn't Know About Chuck Norris
SAW HIM ON THE TRINITY BROADCAST CHANNEL.........THE CHANNEL USED BY ZIONIST MIND CONTROLERS....IM 47 AND COULD KICK HIS MUSLIM HATING AS FROM ONE SIDE OF THIS COUNTRY TO THE OTHER WITH ONE HAND TIED....HIS A PEDOPHILE ,,NO SHIT

News