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Small problem...Help if you know about kids...

 
A Friend (OP)

User ID: 27389548
United States
11/09/2012 04:18 PM

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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
yes
I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is. -Albert Camus

My 3 new books with some art and photography being original works, enjoy... [link to www.slideshare.net]

fnecsm
A Friend (OP)

User ID: 27414011
United States
11/09/2012 07:51 PM

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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
...


4 children with 2 fathers. I am divorced and a widow. The other three are fine because they were taught that no means no. The little guy skipped that lesson.
 Quoting: A Friend


spanking101
 Quoting: BRIEF


I am getting that more and more! He is a screamer. He's screaming before he even gets hit! I don't want the neighbors to call the cops on me. I suppose I could take him to a secluded place....no! You see how these things can be taken badly?!
 Quoting: A Friend


Good grief! Take a step back, woman, and read what you posted.

I wish you would send the child to me. I would take care of him. And yes, I would most likely spoil him.

You know I'm only kidding. But you get my meaning.

Love your child. Don't hurt him.

I speak from the perspective of an old fogey who is probably not long for this world, so my view might not be valid from your point of view. But I always try to give my grandson whatever his heart desires, and I try to give it to him Now, as opposed to waiting for his birthday, Christmas, etc, because I realise I might not be around then, or some other circumstances might arise which prevents me from doing things for him. I can't always give him what he wants, but I try to. And if I spend a few bucks on trying to make him happy, even if it's only for a few hours, then so be it. I would rather him be happy for a few hours than not at all. Yep, I have often been accused of spoiling him, much to the annoyance of his mother. But what can I do? LoL.

Maybe one day you will see things as I do.

You know how grown ups are always telling kids that they will see things differently in a few years? And how older grown ups are always telling younger grown ups that they also will see things differently in a few more years? Well...maybe that's you...in a few years from now. LoL.

hf
 Quoting: Shoot straight Johnny


I just reread this one and it makes me cry. You are right. That was what they said too, before they spoiled him. I wish I could let them see this too.
I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is. -Albert Camus

My 3 new books with some art and photography being original works, enjoy... [link to www.slideshare.net]

fnecsm
ANHEDONIC

User ID: 26795689
United States
11/09/2012 08:12 PM

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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
Does he have any interest in playing sports at his age?

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger"
A Friend (OP)

User ID: 27419948
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11/09/2012 09:09 PM

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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
Does he have any interest in playing sports at his age?
 Quoting: ANHEDONIC


Yes. We are getting a membership with the Y for that.
I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is. -Albert Camus

My 3 new books with some art and photography being original works, enjoy... [link to www.slideshare.net]

fnecsm
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27304459
United States
11/09/2012 09:40 PM
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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
...


So how many children with how many different fathers?
 Quoting: BRIEF


4 children with 2 fathers. I am divorced and a widow. The other three are fine because they were taught that no means no. The little guy skipped that lesson.
 Quoting: A Friend


:spanking101:
 Quoting: BRIEF


I am getting that more and more! He is a screamer. He's screaming before he even gets hit! I don't want the neighbors to call the cops on me. I suppose I could take him to a secluded place....no! You see how these things can be taken badly?!
 Quoting: A Friend


Find out what the law is in your state, what latitude you have for corporal punishment.

In my state it's that the corporal punishment is allowed as long as it doesn't leave a visible mark. Maybe a little redness is OK but a welt is not. You must know this.

Of course there are other restrictions, you cannot strangle your kids etc. but that goes without saying. You're a good parent. Just know what the legal gotcha limit is.

Don't worry if the cops come, if your you're within the guideline then I expect nothing would happen. Cops are real people and are not looking for excuses to make up child abuse cases, unlike some lawyers.
ANHEDONIC

User ID: 26795689
United States
11/09/2012 09:41 PM

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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
Does he have any interest in playing sports at his age?
 Quoting: ANHEDONIC


Yes. We are getting a membership with the Y for that.
 Quoting: A Friend


That's good... In my opinion youth sports can be a great way for kids to expel excess energy, learn values like teamwork and work ethic, and also an understanding of the importance of compliance (listening to the coach and following the 'rules' of the 'game'). Also can boost confidence, self-esteem, and help build character. : )

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger"
Sickandtired
User ID: 17058124
United States
11/09/2012 09:45 PM
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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
You are right. Thanks.

sigh
 Quoting: A Friend


how old is he now? might be too late. people have to be more understanding if they spoiled the hell out of him.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 27068761


You get the gist of my point. We are here visiting and he just turned 8. We flew here on his birthday to be with them.

Now they are ready to see us go, gladly. You mean you haven't left already?
 Quoting: A Friend


If you had to fly in to see them, it doesn't sound like "THEY" are the problem.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27304459
United States
11/09/2012 09:47 PM
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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
...


4 children with 2 fathers. I am divorced and a widow. The other three are fine because they were taught that no means no. The little guy skipped that lesson.
 Quoting: A Friend


:spanking101:
 Quoting: BRIEF


I am getting that more and more! He is a screamer. He's screaming before he even gets hit! I don't want the neighbors to call the cops on me. I suppose I could take him to a secluded place....no! You see how these things can be taken badly?!
 Quoting: A Friend


Find out what the law is in your state, what latitude you have for corporal punishment.

In my state it's that the corporal punishment is allowed as long as it doesn't leave a visible mark. Maybe a little redness is OK but a welt is not. You must know this.

Of course there are other restrictions, you cannot strangle your kids etc. but that goes without saying. You're a good parent. Just know what the legal gotcha limit is.

Don't worry if the cops come, if your you're within the guideline then I expect nothing would happen. Cops are real people and are not looking for excuses to make up child abuse cases, unlike some lawyers.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 27304459


And I wouldn't get paranoid about taking your kids to a secluded place, are you worried that you'll be accused of sexual assault? If there's no physical evidence, which of course there would not be because you would not do that, then it won't stand up.

Don't be a scared parent, know the legal limits (beyond which even a sympathetic cop, teacher, etc. is REQUIRED to report you as they are "mandated reporters") and within that, take charge and be the parent. You are SUPPOSED to be the boss and have the authority.
A Friend (OP)

User ID: 27421346
United States
11/09/2012 09:49 PM

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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
Does he have any interest in playing sports at his age?
 Quoting: ANHEDONIC


Yes. We are getting a membership with the Y for that.
 Quoting: A Friend


That's good... In my opinion youth sports can be a great way for kids to expel excess energy, learn values like teamwork and work ethic, and also an understanding of the importance of compliance (listening to the coach and following the 'rules' of the 'game'). Also can boost confidence, self-esteem, and help build character. : )
 Quoting: ANHEDONIC


Thank you!

hf
I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is. -Albert Camus

My 3 new books with some art and photography being original works, enjoy... [link to www.slideshare.net]

fnecsm
Preppermomma

User ID: 25202128
United States
11/09/2012 09:51 PM
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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
You are his mom. Act like it.
Matthew 24:44 ESV

Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect
A Friend (OP)

User ID: 27421346
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11/09/2012 09:51 PM

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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
...


spanking101
 Quoting: BRIEF


I am getting that more and more! He is a screamer. He's screaming before he even gets hit! I don't want the neighbors to call the cops on me. I suppose I could take him to a secluded place....no! You see how these things can be taken badly?!
 Quoting: A Friend


Find out what the law is in your state, what latitude you have for corporal punishment.

In my state it's that the corporal punishment is allowed as long as it doesn't leave a visible mark. Maybe a little redness is OK but a welt is not. You must know this.

Of course there are other restrictions, you cannot strangle your kids etc. but that goes without saying. You're a good parent. Just know what the legal gotcha limit is.

Don't worry if the cops come, if your you're within the guideline then I expect nothing would happen. Cops are real people and are not looking for excuses to make up child abuse cases, unlike some lawyers.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 27304459


And I wouldn't get paranoid about taking your kids to a secluded place, are you worried that you'll be accused of sexual assault? If there's no physical evidence, which of course there would not be because you would not do that, then it won't stand up.

Don't be a scared parent, know the legal limits (beyond which even a sympathetic cop, teacher, etc. is REQUIRED to report you as they are "mandated reporters") and within that, take charge and be the parent. You are SUPPOSED to be the boss and have the authority.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 27304459


I vacillate between spanking is for us and then spanking doesn't work all that well in this case.
I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is. -Albert Camus

My 3 new books with some art and photography being original works, enjoy... [link to www.slideshare.net]

fnecsm
A Friend (OP)

User ID: 27421346
United States
11/09/2012 09:54 PM

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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
You are right. Thanks.

sigh
 Quoting: A Friend


how old is he now? might be too late. people have to be more understanding if they spoiled the hell out of him.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 27068761


You get the gist of my point. We are here visiting and he just turned 8. We flew here on his birthday to be with them.

Now they are ready to see us go, gladly. You mean you haven't left already?
 Quoting: A Friend


If you had to fly in to see them, it doesn't sound like "THEY" are the problem.
 Quoting: Sickandtired 17058124


Yeah, probably me but they don't help. Did you ever see someone who argued with every single thing you said or did? That's him. I've never had to deal with this before. I guess he could become a professional shill. ;-D
I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is. -Albert Camus

My 3 new books with some art and photography being original works, enjoy... [link to www.slideshare.net]

fnecsm
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27304459
United States
11/09/2012 09:56 PM
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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
I vacillated too about those things, and maybe I spanked sometimes when I should not, but sometimes I had no better solution and had to get a situation under control.

There are no perfect parents. That's not the standard.

On a more positive note, can the boy do chores or help you with some chores or housework? Even help you go shopping? Getting him into the mode of working at least in part for others, and helping, may improve the needed aspect of his personality. I know it's hard with someone so young and really ends up making more work for you because he can't do much well at that age, but just a thought.
A Friend (OP)

User ID: 27421346
United States
11/09/2012 09:56 PM

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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
You are his mom. Act like it.
 Quoting: Preppermomma


I'm trying ma'am. Truly I am. I know I could do better. "There is no try there is only do." :P
I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is. -Albert Camus

My 3 new books with some art and photography being original works, enjoy... [link to www.slideshare.net]

fnecsm
A Friend (OP)

User ID: 27421346
United States
11/09/2012 09:58 PM

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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
I vacillated too about those things, and maybe I spanked sometimes when I should not, but sometimes I had no better solution and had to get a situation under control.

There are no perfect parents. That's not the standard.

On a more positive note, can the boy do chores or help you with some chores or housework? Even help you go shopping? Getting him into the mode of working at least in part for others, and helping, may improve the needed aspect of his personality. I know it's hard with someone so young and really ends up making more work for you because he can't do much well at that age, but just a thought.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 27304459


Thank you. You are very kind.
I would rather live my life as if there is a God and die to find out there isn't, than live my life as if there isn't and die to find out there is. -Albert Camus

My 3 new books with some art and photography being original works, enjoy... [link to www.slideshare.net]

fnecsm
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 15334502
United States
11/09/2012 11:28 PM
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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
Children need boundaries as well as knowing who will enforce them. That is your job.
Preppermomma

User ID: 25202128
United States
11/10/2012 01:15 PM
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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
It isn't only children that need boundaries. Grandparents and Aunts and Uncles do too. Make sure you stand up for your kid. You are the only advocate that he/she has.
Matthew 24:44 ESV

Therefore you also must be ready, for the Son of Man is coming at an hour you do not expect
Ralph--a house dog

User ID: 25802009
United States
11/10/2012 01:41 PM

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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
If you don't do something NOW he will grow to be a self centered thoughtless sociopathic twit with a real entitlement attitude.

Children have to be taught (or trained) to be considerate of others, to have a good work ethic, to be appreciative, to be truthful, to have self control, to know right from wrong --and all the other traits he will need to be a decent human being and avoid having somebody in his future choke the living shit out of him.

Kids aren't born with those attributes; most would turn in to little beasts if left to follow their own inclinations.

Last Edited by Ralph--a house dog on 11/10/2012 01:41 PM
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Anonymous Coward
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02/17/2013 06:42 AM
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Re: Small problem...Help if you know about kids...
this has been out of circulation for a bit so maybe things are much better. i hope so. you sound like a good mom and it is so not easy raising these little ones into good and decent adults. there is so much that comes smashing into our worlds that can really mess up a perfect parenting plan.

i have the privilege of working with kids with a good deal of trauma and attachment issues. parenting is extra challenging in these situations because often what just works fine with a non-trauma kid doesn't work at all with a child who, say has lost his father at an early age. there is always going to be that loss and pain in him even if he is unaware of what it is - he was so young.

a basic formula i was taught to teach parents (hey, you know, formulas are just that - no magic answers and nothing works all the time)
1. focus on a behavior that you really want changed. every time this child behaves in the way you wish make sure he is highly praised. this is just for a time. it is about positive attention. praise can be a smile, a word, a hug...

2 when the child is behaving in an obnoxious behavior, if at all possible ignore him. ignore him entirely. don't give one bit of attention. you can't see him or hear him (of course you know exactly what he's up to but he doesn't need to know this) this is a removal of all attention. negative attention is even better than no attention and this one can cause a kid to take notice. once the child begins to act like the human being you would like him to be, you simply give back the attention.

3 finally, if the child has broken a major rule - hits, or calls atrocious names, or carries on for an item beyond what is acceptable to you- then it is a swift and speedy trip to the time out room. all you have to do is make sure the guy doesn't hurt himself in tantrum if he's having one. he comes out when he is calm enough to deal with people and to address what the issue was that got him in the room in the first place....

you know, the spanking...not a fan of it really. i rarely can find a true need for such. though, i have spanked each of my children at least once in their lives. mostly it was my frustration and inability to figure out what else to do. stopped the behavior in the moment but in the long run all it did was give them kind of a bad memory without the lesson i was trying to give.

unfortunately you have to deal with the "helpful" family members. they have to hear it from you firmly. this child is at risk of major difficulties in life and he is growing up in a way you do not like. it is hard for people to change their ways with kids especially when it feels so good in the moment to please the little guy. if they can not understand that what they are doing is essentially setting him up for a sad time of it in life then they do need to be supervised with him so that you can intervene as needed. and if it continues, you can take a break from those contacts?
i've seen grandparents, all well meaning of course, just about take a misbehaving child and turn her into a monster- out of love. they felt sorry for her. her dad was a creep. lots of intervention and these grandparents did stop. the girl has grown up to be an non-spoiled working girl with a good head on her shoulders. she looks back to what she acted like in elementary school and even middle school to some extent. what a brat i was, she will say. she is so happy that her mother was insistent that grandparents listen.

best of luck. these precious gems are all unique. you know him best so remember to trust that. love him just like you do... and yes, work to get the behaviors in line.
different story, but i raised some difficult ones and if i learned anything it is that they needed me to be firm and consistent when i was usually "so understanding" and a "push over". kids are in their twenties now. it has been tough. they had plenty of my love and they needed a bit more of my discipline. there was no good dad involved in their lives either so it makes it all the more tough.

well, nice writing to you. hope he's been having some good days.peace

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