Why aren't we invading Canada?

Canada is the most educated country in the world, with the US trailing in 4th, behind Israel and Japan.

[link to newsfeed.time.com]

56% of Canadians have a passport while only 37% of Americans do.

In the most recent survey of livable cities, Canadian cities took 4th, 14th, and 15th place, while the highest-ranked American city was 33rd(Atlanta).

According to the World CIA Factbook, the average Canadian in 2012 is now wealthier than the average American.
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Here are 64 Reasons...


1. Great variety in seasons
2. Great world-wide reputation with other countries
3. We invented Hockey
4. We invented Basketball
5. We invented the telephone
6. We invented cable T.V.
7. There are over 2 million Canadian patents
8. We are one of the G-7 countries
9. We are a part of NATO
10. We are a part of NAFTA
11. We are one of the only countries that can put up with Americans
12. We have a low crime rate
13. Canada doesn't have the highest national debt (The U.S. does, ha!)
14. We have a slightly lower debt per-capita than the U.S.
15. We can understand American-English. (Well most of us anyway)
16. Canadians are polite
17. Canada is easy to spell
18. Canada is easy to pronounce
19. We have one of the top education systems
20. Canada has one of the fastest growing populations in the world
21. Canada introduced peace-keeping
22. Our government pays for medicine. In other words, no hospital bills
23. We have nice cities
24. We have clean cities
25. We are at peace with many countries
26. We are the leader in telephone technology
27. We have better technology than the U.S.
28. We made those dinosaurs in Jurassic Park
29. We are not stupid!!
30. We invented refining
31. Canada has more clean water than any other nation
32. Canada is a free and democratic society
33. Hockey is Canada, Canada is hockey
34. We know how, and when to use the word, "eh"
35. Unlike what many people think, Canadians are patriotic
36. We are probably the least biased country
37. There's a lot of famous Canadians
38. We don't have to worry about nukes or bombs
39. We have the world's longest bridge (P.E.I. to the mainiland)
40. We have the world's longest road
41. We are great world-leaders with our beer
42. Canadians are 300% less likely to be murdered than Americans
43. Economy living up to most of its potential of all G7 nations
44. Falling crime rate
45. We have the 'Smarties' candy unlike Americans (Very important, isn't it?)
46. Canadian students rank higher than American students in Math, Science, English, ...
47. 1/3 of Microsoft programmers come from the University of Waterloo
48. Canadian invented the baseball glove
49. Canadian invented insulin
50. Canadian invented the kitchen stove
51. Titanic, Aliens, Avatar, The Terminator,etc. written, directed and produced by a Canadian, James Cameron
52. Nelvana Corp. of Toronto hired to produce all American cartoons on CBS
53. Canadian woman second in comand at UN (American not 1st or 3rd or 4th or... in command)
54. Canada is the only country at the Atlanta summer olympics that sent more women than men, meaning we aren't sexist
55. Canada has a trade surplus, unlike our southern friends
56. Canada is slated to get rid of the deficit and debt before the U.S.
57. Canadian music is world reknowned
58. Average life expectancy of a Canadian is 81 years, the highest in the world (U.S. is 75 years)
59. Canadian cities lead the world in quality of life. Vancouver (1), Calgary (3), Montreal (15). Closest American city was Atlanta at thrity-something
60. Canadian discovered Pablum (Baby food)
61. Canadian doctor at the Montreal General Hospital was able to map the human brain
62. Recovered bodies of the Titanic are buried in Halifax (not really something to demonstrate patriotism but an interesting fact)
63. Canada never owned slaves (there were slaves in Canada in the 18th century but they were owned by the British government)
64. Many American slaves came secretly to Canada during the American civil war

/gameover no rematch

If the whole US crumbles, i don't see the reason why Texass shouldn't follow...what do you have there? fields, cattle... rednecks? G.W Push?

If the whole US crumbles, i don't see the reason why Texass shouldn't follow...what do you have there? fields, cattle... rednecks? G.W Push?

Hillarious! Look at the canucktards! All mad! Your girls look like chupakabras and your teeth smell of horse manure. Stay up north inbred donkeys.

lets make a petition on whitehouse to annex Canada

also one to remove the queen of England, and all royal family's around the world.

Meh

[link to web.archive.org]
FUCK CANADA

"The land which our explorers saw to the north and thought, 'NAHHHH' "

Updated Jan 7, 07

Everyone hates Canada. Here are a few of the reasons I do.

#1) Nationalism
Canadians are fiercely nationalistic. This is a direct result of the fact that everyone on earth regards them as AMERICANS - especially Americans. It seems most "Canadian Pride" is nothing more than Anti-Americanism at best. Don't you have ANYTHING to be proud of that doesn't relate to the U.S.?


#4) Their Pride in Their Health Care System: Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here

Let me explain something for the very dense, since it's been jammed in my email inbox about 1000 times. If you have socialized healthcare, that's not the same thing as having FREE healthcare. See, Canadians pay taxes, lots of taxes, and while some of this tax money goes towards making sure they crush enough baby seal skulls per year, a lot more of it goes to healthcare. When you pay taxes to support healthcare, then that healthcare is no longer FREE in any sense of the word. Canadians are sooooooo proud of their healthcare... but WHY?

SARS kicked Canada's ass. Even in China, where they had 5327 cases, only 6% of the victims died from it. Canada had a 15% death rate from SARS. The US, which had 73 cases of SARS, had ZERO deaths. You mean to tell me that Communist China has MUCH BETTER medical care than a Western country? Maybe you should have sent your SARS patients to the US. Maybe then they could have been SAVED by our obviously superior healthcare.

Many Canadians I've talked to say that although the state (aka taxes) pay for healthcare, a lot of times you get it on their terms, often having to wait for hours to be seen by a doctor even with an appointment, or having surgeries put off for weeks or even months, and often there ARE copayments that patients have to pay, just like with an American HMO.

If my appendix burst I would hope it could be taken care of with an efficiency greater than that found at the Post Office.

Canadians like to brag about their contributions to medicine too. Big deal - most countries not suffering from starvation, civil war, etc. can crank out at least a FEW advancements here and there.

As much as Canadians pay in taxes they should have been able to cure DEATH by now.

I visited a friend who lives in Toronto. When I asked her if she wanted me to bring anything "American" with me she said, "Bring me Hostess Fruit Pies and Red Bull soda, because they aren't allowed to be sold here because of the State-run healthcare." Ahh... Forfeit your freedom of choice in exchange for free (taxed) healthcare. Good move. Score. It looks like it's working really well for you too!

An article from Canada.com in March of 2003 said that between 3 and 4 million Canadians couldn't get a family doctor. Thumbs up. Four Stars.

Let's point out something else that should be obvious to anyone who has a semi-active brain stem. In Canada, the state has a MONOPOLY on healthcare. What happens in ANY monopoly? Shitty service. Waste. Cost inflation. That's a fact. It doesn't matter if you don't see the waste, spelled out in clear terms at the top of the front page of the newspaper. It's there in ANY noncompetitive business situation, and in Canada's case, the taxpayers pick up the slack. In the US, you have MANY healthcare providers all competing to have the most professional staff, the most modern and pleasant facilities, and the lowest overhead. The customer wins.


A.) Hockey

In the US, Hockey receives about as much attention and commands about the same fan-base as Monster Trucking, which is significantly more attention than it receives in every country besides Canada. Tragically Hip even mentions being perplexed by someone saying how they "didn't give a fuck about Hockey" in their song "Fireworks." Guess what. Don't be perplexed. ONLY Canadians give a fuck about hockey. Does the US have hockey teams? Yeah. We also have professional bowlers, billiard players, sport fishermen, and poker players. We have loads of professional athletes playing insignificant sports... LIKE HOCKEY. When Canada beat the US at the Olympics at Hockey, the internet was BOMBARDED by bragging Canadians yelling and screaming about, "0o0o0o0oo0o0o0o! We kicked your asses!! HAHAHAH!" If the only thing I was good at was nailing my nuts to a door frame, should I brag about doing it better than you? The same principle applies to Canada and Hockey. They still bring up winning the Gold in the 2002 Olympics years later like it was their only day in the sun... but WAIT! IT KINDA WAS!

The last time that Canada took home the Gold Medal for Hockey was in NINETEEN FIFTY FUCKING TWO!

They went FIFTY YEARS without winning the gold!

"We invented it!" Well, fuck! Looks like you FORGOT HOW TO PLAY IT AFTER THAT, HUH?!?

You're sooooo proud of beating the US at the Olympics. Does it soothe the sting of having lost the Stanley Cup to American teams EVERY YEAR FOR THE LAST ELEVEN YEARS? Canadian sport? In your ass!

By the way, the plural of "Maple Leaf" is "Maple LEAVES," not "LEAFS." LEARN HOW TO READ AND WRITE! Canadians like to write me lots of email crying about how many Canadians are on American teams. Maybe they left Canada so they could actually be on a WINNING TEAM FOR ONCE instead of wasting their careers losing all the time on a Canadian team! If you have a hunger for Olympic Gold, wouldn't you look at Canada's Olympic medal history and think, "Hmmm... Maybe I should leave and join a team that could actually WIN"?

Calgary dorks watch in awe as they lose the Stanley Cup to Tampa Bay, a team from a city where it hasn't even fucking snowed since 1976.

#16) Many Canadians Seem To Think They Are Geography Majors Just Because They Go On Vacation In The US Every Year

I've heard this shit so many times. "Yeah, well, I know where St. Louis is. I know where Orlando is. I know where Las Vegas is. I bet you don't know where Shitshatipoopton, Manitoba is, do you, you stupid American." You're goddamn right I don't. Why would I? You have only three cities worth visiting in your whole country: Montreal, Toronto and Vancouver. Other than that, why the fuck would anyone bother learning Canadian geography? I'm sure there are some happ'nin' spots in Azerbaijan, too, but you won't find me reading up on them because there's no fucking way that information could ever be useful to me. Your geography could ONLY be useful to someone who gets the fucking Daily Double on Jeopardy, THAT'S IT!

#17) They Brag About The Most Retarded Shit - EVEN WHEN THEY'RE DEAD WRONG

All of the things in this section are things that irate Canadians have bragged about to me... Most of them MANY TIMES.

"The United Nations says we're the best country in which to live in the world!" Actually, the United Nations, in 2003, said that the US, and SIX OTHER COUNTRIES WERE BETTER THAN YOU! "But, but, but, but, we USED to be the best!" Living in the past doesn't make you any less WRONG! One thing that's funny to me is that for several years, Canada has ranked lower than 1, but you didn't hear them raising a stink about it. "FUCK FINLAND! WE'LL KICK FINLAND'S ASS!" However they really got their panties in a bunch when the US beat them. Inferiority complex? USA Junior gets pissy when his Dad spanks him. (Side note: Since I posted this entry about the Quality of Life Index, I've received a number of emails and have noticed a few forum nerds blubbering that the index is just an arbitrary standard; that it's not really a viable way to gauge how well people live. I know these indexes are somewhat arbitrary. However, the reason I mentioned the rankings from last year, which placed the US higher than Canada, is because for the first few years that I ran this page, about 3/4 of the hatemail I received made mention of the UN's Quality of Life Index. Most of those even used it as a solid, defining reason why I had no right to publish a page lambasting Canada.

I think it's ironic and amusing that while Canada ranked higher than the US, the Index was "the gospel," yet when Canada ranks lower it's suddenly transformed into a meaningless, arbitrary standard that's nothing to be taken seriously.

So it counted before but when it doesn't say what you want to hear it doesn't count anymore? How hypocritical. If you believe that the index is a legitimate reason to think you're perfect and that the US sucks, then it has to work the same way when the shoe is on the other foot. I agree that you can't REALLY define a country's "happiness level" based on money or whatnot. I just thought it was fun to throw the index in the faces of the people who used it for so long as an excuse to think they were beyond criticism. Hey - You win some, you lose some.

Brag less when you win and cry less when you lose. What's REALLY hypocritical is that I've even gotten emails saying very specifically that it counted before, but now it doesn't. "We ranked first for X amount of years, so we're still the best no matter what the UN says... blah blah blah blah" Oh really? When was that? Oh yeah, that was several years ago.

Note that it is currently not several years ago, and that in 2003 you ranked 8th. So you need to stop filling my email with retarded whining. (Update 7/17/04) I guess enough Canadians raised a stink in 2003 that the UN tossed them a cookie and ranked them 4th in 2004. No doubt Canadians will once again resume their "WE'RE NUMBER 1" chant despite being number 4, just like they have for the past few years when they didn't rank first. Canadians think they're #1 as long as they rank higher than the US, so if the US ranked 40th and Canada ranked 39th, they'd still be screaming that they're #1.

"Americans don't even speak real English. You can't even spell metre and colour and neighbour correctly." The total number of people who speak English worldwide is 508million. 280.6million of those are from the US. That's more than half. WE have the majority of English speaking people in the world, so YOU all need to learn to spell METER and COLOR and NEIGHBOR the way the majority of English speakers do.
"You Americans are all illiterate." The US and Canada both have 97% literacy rates. Source

"Yeah well... At least we don't have GUNS like you!" Get ready to be conquered.

Actually, to say there are NO guns in the hands of Canadian civilians is naive and dishonest. There are 1.4 MILLION registered gun owners in Canada, and about 667 thousand unregistered gun owners are protesting by REFUSING to register, even after the government waived the registration fee. 2 Million is about equal to the total populations of Detroit, Washington DC and Saint Louis combined; three of America's bloodiest cities. The article that I linked to says, "The law does little to curb gun use by criminals, and criminals are obtaining firearms easily illegally, or in some instances legally." Unregistered guns are harder to track, so have fun trying to run down the criminals who DO have them, and do USE them on Canadian civilians and cops. No serial numbers, no ballistics tests... Have fun with that little forensics nightmare.

"Americans are fat." So are you. 47.9% of Canadians are overweight (Sep 2003), and that statistic is gradually rising.

Canadian health experts believe "Canada is narrowing the obesity gap with the U.S." and "Canada's obesity epidemic will catch up to that of the United States within a decade." In Prince Edward Island 59% of people are fat. McDonalds is the most popular restaurant in Canada by a long stretch with three million customers a day. Oh yeah. I forgot to mention. Since your beef has Mad Cow Disease (the only cases found in North American livestock in over ten years, and guess where the last cases were before that? CANADA!), McDonalds Canada gets its beef from the US. May we help the next customer, please? (Updated Dec 28, 2003) There was one case of Mad Cow Disease in the US in 2003. Canada immediately banned the import of all processed beef products from the US. This is somewhat ironic considering that the cow was imported into the US from (drumroll, please) ALBERTA, CANADA.
"We burned down the White House during the War of 1812, and Americans couldn't even get close to Ottawa!" Check that date again? That's right. You haven't found anything else to shove in our faces in nearly TWO HUNDRED FUCKING YEARS.

And let's get something straight. It wasn't EVEN the Canadians that burned the White House. It was the British.

The Canadians fought alongside the British in the War of 1812, but it wasn't them who burned the White House. If you look anywhere online (other than an Anti-USA Canadian comebacks page) it ALWAYS says the British did it. And NO, being a British Colony doesn't make you British.

As you're so fond of reminding the whole world every chance you get, "I am Canadian, Eh!"

So, Canadian, no bragging rights for British accomplishments.

That's like someone winning the Nobel Prize and having his CAT take credit for it.

While you're digesting the fact that you can't take credit for burning down A particular building, consider the fact that WE BURNED THE WHOLE CITY OF TORONTO FIRST (York, the capital of Upper Canada at the time). The British burned Washington, including the White House in 1814. Also, you say that bit about us not being able to burn Ottawa as though it was even the capital of Canada during the War of 1812. Kingston was the capital of Canada at the time. Ottawa wasn't named the capital of Canada until 1857. I guess when you're uneducated enough to think Canada burned Washington D.C. you're uneducated enough to think Ottawa was always Canada's capital.

"The US has racist groups like the KKK!" Canada has racist groups like The Heritage Front, The Nationalist Party of Canada, Stormfront Canada, The National Action Party, The Church of the Creator, The Identity Church, Citizens for Foreign Aid Reform, Canadian National Front, White Power, Rock Against Communism, The Aryan Nations, Anglo Society, Northern Hammerskins, International National Socialist Party, Tri-City Skins, Canadian Ethnic Cleansing Team, White Power Youth Crew, The Western Guard, White Aryan Resistance, Canadian Heritage Alliance, and yes, the KKK.
"We get better grades in school than you dumb Americans!" That could be, in part, because the Canadian grading scale makes it MUCH EASIER to pass. In the US, a 64% or below is an F. In Canada, a 49% and below is an F. In Canada, a 60%, which will fail you in the US, will get you a C+. An 80%, which is a C in the US, is an A- in Canada. This explains a lot when I think about the quality of hatemail I get. Info
"We invented Hockey!" BZZZZZZZZZZZZT! BZZZZZZZT! Hockey was invented in Europe. Field hockey was played over 500 years ago in several European countries, and in the winter it was played on frozen ponds. It was later brought to North America by British troops. Woo-woo! Inventing the Zamboni doesn't mean you invented hockey. Oh, but wait. Despite your claims, you didn't invent that either, liars. Read on.
"We invented the Zamboni!" Frank Zamboni was an Italian American living in, get this, SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA when he invented his famous ice resurfacing machine. Zambonis are made in his original Southern Californian factory to this day.
"We invented Basketball!" Actually the Mayans invented Basketball over 1000 years ago. In their version of the game, the losers were BEHEADED. I am, of course, completely in favor of reviving this noble tradition in basketball. It would make it a far more honorable game than the cocaine-snorting hooker-fucking steroid-shooting money-grubbing shoe-endorsing crap that it has become, and no doubt, the TV ratings would eclipse the second coming of Christ at Britney Spears' live nude Half-time Show at the Superbowl where she has steamy lesbian sex with her own clone.
"We invented Baseball!" Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. You invented the padded baseball GLOVE. Using your logic, Professional Skateboarder Mike McGill did the first aerial 540 on a skateboard. Hence, Mike McGill invented the skateboard.

"We invented Five Pin Bowling!" Just because you couldn't afford all ten pins doesn't mean you INVENTED something.
"We invented Lacrosse!" If, by "invented," you mean "Stole from the Native Americans, who had been playing it for centuries before Europeans ever set foot in North America," then, sure! I guess you DID "invent" it.
"We invented Short Wave Radio" NO YOU DIDN'T. It was invented by an Italian named Guglielmo Marconi. Can you hear me now? Good.
"We invented Insulin!" How the hell can you say you invented something that the body produces naturally? Last time I checked, insulin was invented by the pancreas.
"We invented Velcro!" NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. NOPE. It was invented by a Swiss guy named George de Mestral. Yes, yes. Of course, I'm sure Canadians invented the wheel, the internal combustion engine, the microchip, fire, the everlasting gobstopper, the sun, the moon and the stars.
"We invented the Telephone! Bell lived in Ontario in 1874 when he invented it." Alexander Graham Bell was born in Scotland, then moved to England, and later lived in Canada for LESS THAN ONE YEAR before moving to Boston - IN 1871. He was living in Boston for three whole years before the date that Canadians claim he invented the telephone in Canada. But let's slow down for a second. Bell DIDN'T INVENT the TELEPHONE. He merely STOLE the designs of Antonio Meucci, who was from Florence, Italy and invented the first telephone while living in Havana, Cuba in 1849. So BZZZZZT BZZZZZZZZZT BZZZZZZZZZZZT BZZZZZZZZZZT BZZZZZZZZZZZZT!!
"We invented Cable TV!" NOPE It was invented in 1948 in Johnstown, Pennsylvania by John Walson to get TV to secluded houses in the mountains. Did the CBC tell you Cable was invented in Canada or something? Read 1984, please.
"We invented the ZIPPER!" So this is what it all boils down to. No wonder you're so proud. I definitely wouldn't want to live in a non-zipper inventing country. I mean... A guy's got to have standards, right? Oh! But Wait! I DO live in a zipper inventing country! The zipper was invented by the inventor of the sewing machine, Elias Howe, who was from Massachusetts, and it was further developed by Whitcomb Judson who was from Chicago. It was improved later by a Swede named Gideon Sundback. Oh well. I guess that's another Canadian claim to fame tossed in the fire.
"We invented Penicillin!" BZZZZT! BZZZZZT! BZZZZZZZZT! Sir Alexander Fleming was from the UK. Seriously.... why are you all such pathological liars? Do you think that telling people that your country invented the first antibiotic will help you score or something? Don't you have any REAL accomplishments? "Uhhh. Yes, we do! And uhh.... I drive a Porsche and I'm a Millionaire!"
"We invented/accomplished <insert thing that Canadians supposedly invented/accomplished>" The US has the highest number of Nobel Prize winners of any country in the world; TWENTY SEVEN TIMES the number of Nobel Prize winners from Canada. Source
"The whole world LOVES Canada and HATES the US!" I guess that's why the whole world, including Canada, imitates our pop culture, and we have more immigrants than any other country in the world. We're also the second most visited country in the world. Canada is the ninth. Someone immigrates to the US about every 30 seconds.
"Canada is sixth in the world for most Olympic Medals, despite having a population of only 30 million." I feel sorry for you that you feel the need to impress people with accomplishments at the world's biggest Credit Card Commercial, but uhh.. you're lying about how good you are at it. Canada isn't even in the top ten. Source.
"We invented Peacekeeping!" HUH?!?!? I've actually heard this many times, so I'll address it. The idea of "inventing" peacekeeping is an absurd notion. That's like saying a guy from Peru invented generosity or that a guy from Zimbabwe invented creativity. You can seriously look in the mirror and believe in your hearts that people engaged in disputes that almost led to wars, but didn't because of diplomacy, have Canada to thank regardless of whether the conflict was in 1980A.D. or 240 B.C.? If Canada invented anything, it's JEALOUSY.
"Americans don't have freedom of speech, but we do!" Yeah, Quebecois French Language Enforcement, Canadian Content Laws, and censoring Conan O'Brien for ribbing your country sound like really great examples of free speech to me.
"We do NOT say 'ABOOT!'" I'd like to apologize on behalf of all Americans for us starting the incorrect rumor that you pronounce 'about' as 'aboot.' Your pronunciation is much closer to "A BOAT" and I'm very sorry that we've gotten it wrong all these years.

"When Americans go abroad, they sew Canadian flags on their bags so people will love them and rub on them!" Ahhh - the Canadian Flag Patch! The Nazi arm band of the Great White North! Not since the Third Reich has red and white been so openly and often flaunted to announce national identity. How can you simultaneously play both the "Americans are arrogant assholes" and "Americans will disavow their nationality at the slightest sign of disapproval" cards?

I've asked around and everyone who's not Canadian thinks that the idea of Americans sewing patches of some other country's flag on their bags is insane and preposterous. Europeans that I asked were completely perplexed. Are you so blinded by your self-love that you think that Americans would lie and say they're you?

Not only are you so deluded to think we'd rather be you, but do you truly believe that we'd make the effort to go out and find canadian flags, which of course, we'd end up having to mail-order since they aren't available for purchase anywhere, and take needle and thread and attach them to our bags? That's fucking absurd.

Sure, YOU may sew Canadian flags on all your stuff, but that's because you guys are OBSESSED with disassociating yourselves from us and apparently have a lot more free time than we do. Even though we know we're not well liked in a lot of places, do you really think we love you so much that we'd rather be you than who we are? If that was the case, you'd see a massive influx of Americans moving to Canada.

If we were going to lie and pretend to be from someplace else, we'd pretend to be French or Italian or something that would get us LAID. What's to be gained by people thinking we're Canadian? That's like lying and saying you're from Ohio. "Wow! That guy's from Canada! I bet he owns a very high quality winter coat."

Sure, we don't do a lot of vacationing in Cuba, but who fucking does? Want to know why foreigners think you're Americans until they see your little flag? BECAUSE YOU'RE EXACTLY THE SAME AS US.

Canadians like to assert that Americans would plaster the American flag all over our backpacks, suit cases, t-shirts, etc. but we don't because we fear the scorn of foreigners who have strong Anti-American feelings. I find that it's much more the case that only obnoxious nationalists make sure to always bear their country's emblem.

I live in New York City, where I literally see people from every country on Earth on a daily basis. I'm surrounded by people from all walks of life all day long. We have the greatest concentration of foreigners of every stripe of anywhere in the world. Do I see book bags plastered with the Italian flag? German? Chinese? Turkish? French? Brazilian? Nope. Just Canadian.

Why does no one else adopt this flag patch obsession? Probably because people realize that nobody gives a shit what country they're from as long as they're polite. Who wears American flag patches? Cops, firemen, military personnel... maybe some bus drivers.

Do you suppose Americans don't wear American flag patches in America because they fear Anti-American sentiment from other Americans on American soil? Keep deluding yourselves.

(Update Oct 2, 2003) I had always wondered if Canadians were actually lame enough to REALLY make the effort to sew little flags on their bags. Today I learned that they are indeed. On my commute home, a family of Canadians got on the subway headed uptown. They were a nerdy looking couple that looked like they were probably hippies when they were younger. They were wearing Birkenstocks with goofy looking white socks and the guy had a ridiculous looking wide rimmed, floppy fishing / safari hat with a little string around his chin that held it on. They had with them two destroyers (read "children"). All four of them had backpacks and all four backpacks had finely embroidered post card sized Canadian flag patches that had been neatly sewn on the middles of the bags, where they would be most visible. I was itching to probe the parents about why they had little patches on their bags, knowing that the honest answer was "to show everyone that we're not you." As I thought about it, I opted not to say anything to avoid tainting their children's brains with the instantly memorable image of the jingoistic American asshole. Instead I just sat and read my book (Kingdom of Fear by Hunter S. Thompson).

At 59th street, the family stayed on, despite the fact that the subway map in their hands and the announcer both clearly communicated that the train was going express and that the next stop would be 125th street. It seemed odd that this whitebread family would be going to The Bronx, so I began paying attention to the conversation. "Daddy, where are we getting off?" "At the next stop. 72nd Street." As the train passed 72nd Street without even slowing down, the family began to look worried.

They got off at 125th Street, in the middle of Harlem at 11pm. GOOD LUCK, HONKY TOURISTS! Make sure you tell the Bloods and the Crips you're Canadian!
"Yeah, well Pamela Anderson, vacuous bimbo, plastic surgery disaster and sucker of glam metal cock, is Canadian! " Pamela Anderson became a naturalized US citizen in spring of 2004.
"Our Currency Is pretty and American Money is dirty and smelly" Wow! A Loon! EEZ SO PREETY! It's a fucking DUCK with a silly call, a pointy beak and beady red eyes. American money is dirty and smelly because, unlike Canadian Currency, IT GETS USED. What's more important, having money that's pretty or having money that's worth something?
"Yeah well, at least Avril is better than Britney!" Do you seriously not hear how stupid and pathetic that sounds? "OUR TURDS ARE COOLER THAN YOUR TURDS!" I thought I'd mention it, since I've gotten it about 100 times.
"Our Beer is Better than yours!" Is that the only thing you can think of? Drown your sorrows, Canucks. It's not like Canadian beer could even hold a candle to German, Irish or many other European beers, so find another point to brag about. "Better than Budweiser" doesn't exactly bring home the trophy. Lots of Americans drink import beer... and no, not Canadian.
"At least we use the Metric System, unlike you stupid Americans!" The imperial system is hard? Only if you're really crappy at remembering basic units and are too stupid for Third-Grade-level mathematics. Also, WHY DO YOU EVEN CARE? That's like laughing about the colors that a country paints its road signs. If you have to resort to ripping on our system of weights and measures, don't you think that's kinda scraping the bottom of the barrel? Is that all you've got? I made this big, fat, evil page and all you can come back with is, "Haw, Haw! You use the Fahrenheit temperature scale! HAW HAW HAW!" Let's face it. Imperial units will always sound more fluid in writing and music. Would anyone have listened to The Who's "I Can See For Kilometres?" How many grams of prevention equal a kilogram of cure? Who would have paid to go see movies like The Green 1.60930 Kilometer, Hedwig and the Angry 2.54 Centimeters, Centigrade 232.77778, The Longest .9144 Metre or Attack of the 15.24 Metre Woman?

"Haha! Terrorists are attacking you!" The most backwards, uneducated, fucked up religious fanatics in the world consider us "The Great Satan." Hey, we must be doing a few things right. Sure, YOU might not agree with our policies on economics or pollution, but do you really think that the people who hit the World Trade Center could give a rat's ass about any of that? Why are they hitting us and not you? After all, your value system is almost identical to ours, even if you're too stubborn to admit it. Why bother hitting such an impotent and innocuous country? If a suicide bomber has one life to give, why spend it on you? Why bother hitting the bully's little sister? Why would you assassinate the President's cat? After the attack, the value of the US Dollar plunged... but it never came close to being as low as the Canadian Dollar is on an average peaceful Tuesday. Oh, and uhh- Thanks for having such lax border policies that they slipped into our country over your border, after many of them had apparently resided in Canada for YEARS. I guess you file that under your famed self-proclaimed politeness. "Well, they looked busy and we didn't want to pry into their affairs."
"Haha! Your Space Shuttle blew up!" Sure. Laugh, assholes. Just wait until one of the Canadian Space Shuttles blows up. Wait. CANADIAN SPACE SHUTTLE??? HAH! WHAT AM I SAYING?!?!
"Your Healthcare System Sucks Compared to Ours!" Now you're just DIGGING for something. You know how often I think about healthcare? Almost never. Do you seriously walk around all day with a big cheesy grin because you have free healthcare? Are you sick all the time? Does the subject of healthcare seriously float around in the front of your mind all the time? The only time I think about healthcare is when I'm sick. I've been to the doctor once in the past 6 years, because I'm not sick very often, and I live in what you like to describe as a "Big, filthy, dangerous city." The visit cost me ten bucks and the medicine cost me another ten bucks because I have insurance. Your healthcare is also not exactly FREE, since your TAX DOLLARS pay for it, is it? Which is more beneficial to consumers? Giving your healthcare money to a private insurance company that's in competition with other private insurance companies, or giving it to a beleaguered government bureaucracy? So uhhhh... Time for you to dig your silly arguments for Canada's superiority out of a deeper, more creative bin.
#24) Their Hatred of Americans
It's like the whole Canadian identity seems center around, "Yeah, well at least we're not the US!" Don't you have ANYTHING ELSE to say?

In the Urban Dictionary, about 99% of the definitions of "Canada" written by Canadians focus entirely on this inferiority complex. The other one percent focuses on beer and strippers from Montreal. Being tired of the US considering them a second rate country (when in fact we barely think of them as anything more than another BIG state up North that uses Monopoly Money), they come out as openly hating the US (which is ironic since about 90% of their populace lives within 150 miles of the US border, kinda like fish swimming against the glass of their imprisoning aquarium trying to one day "get to what's over there").

You never hear Canadians saying "We're the best! Fuck Sweden! We rock! Fuck Bulgaria! Canadian beer kicks German beer's ass!" Their whole "we're the best" thing centers around comparing themselves to the US 100% of the time.

It's sad that most Canadian Patriots concentrate less about Canada's actual worth and accomplishments than they do about simply not being American but there's a solid reason for it. The reason why all their pride is oriented firmly against the US is because they KNOW that their whole culture is based on American culture, and hence is ALWAYS compared against it.

Like any apprentice, they dream of one day surpassing their master. It's kinda like having a midget angry at you - more of an amusement than a threat. What-cha gonna do, Canada? Challenge us to a drinking contest? Beat us at Hockey? Mock our Beer? Heaven forbid you should find something of any real significance that you're actually better at than the US other than things like having less crime, which go hand-in-hand with being mostly rural and paying an assload of taxes. Kansas has very little crime, but that's because it's fucking BORING there. I was listening to Jane's Addiction and there was a line that reminded me of Canada.

"I was standing in the shower thinking - About a man I know don't like me - He don't like the place I'm headed: The same place he's headed - I know he'd beat me to it - If he could but he won't do it - But he would, man, if he could."

Canadians hate Americans because we're both working off the same cultural model, but it works better for us, and that pisses them off.

Their collective mindset is so programmed for silly patriotism, based wholly on simply "not being from over there," that the only way they can even relate to this site is to think I'm some gun slingin' redneck with an American flag painted on my Chevy pickup truck and a huge "God Bless America" tattoo across my chest. They blindly ASSUME it's some "Rah! Rah! Red White 'n' Blue! American Pride" site. I can make a much better Anti-USA page than you could ever DREAM of, and it's RIGHT HERE. Learn to think individually, you beer guzzling robots.
#25) The Hackneyed, the Cliched, the Absolute Fucking Truth... It's Too Goddamn Cold
I know that Canadians like to make jokes about Americans showing up in Windsor in July with snow skis. HO-HO! Big laugh! However, this notion is not totally without basis. Canadians always moan and groan when Americans make fun of the cold up there. "You ALWAYS say that. What a cliche!" Some things bear repeating, because they're ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

Canada is TOO FUCKING COLD for human life. Let me explain something to you. We have a few states like North Dakota and Minnesota that get pretty fucking miserably cold. The rest of the country thinks that the people who live in these God-forsaken places are completely fucked in the heads for living in places where the weather BLOWS and every long, long winter is like a fucking bitter ice age.

Probably the only thing more absurd than idiots living this far north and enduring the shitty winters there, is that an ENTIRE NATION lives even farther north! (Ah, yes, I'm sure at this point some fucking smug geography nerd with a beige turtleneck sweater and shitty little black rimmed emo glasses will email me a complete list of all points in Canada that are farther south than Minnesota.

If it was warm enough to fucking go outside, you wouldn't have so much time on your hands, fuckass.) Why, when you could live in a place with a MILD climate, would you live in a place with a HARSH climate?

"What's wrong, American? Can't take a little cold?" Why should you HAVE to "take" it? Weather should be ENJOYED, not ENDURED. I visited a friend in Toronto a few years back in October. I brought with me a few long sleeved shirts and a light jacket. I intentionally didn't want to exemplify your stereotype of the dumb American who shows up with a dogsled team when it's not all that bad out. I should have just gone with the assumption that Canada is a frozen wasteland from the start, and come prepared. The first night she showed me around town, I was slapping myself for not bringing a heavy winter coat.

Look. OCTOBER IS NOT WINTER. If it's October, and you need clothing designed for JANUARY, that should be a clue that where you live sucks. Does the fact that you have to run the furnace from mid-August to May not tip you off that HUMAN BEINGS WERE NOT MEANT TO LIVE THERE? Humans, with their sparce body hair and comparably small deposits of insulating fat, were not evolved to live like goddamn walruses.

here's a reason why so many Americans retire to Florida... BECAUSE THE WEATHER DOESN'T SUCK THERE! Why are many Newfoundlanders nearly direct genetic descendants of their founders? Because nobody who's not already from there is insane enough to MOVE there, because it's TOO GODDAMN COLD!

To quote Lewis Black, "It's no kind of test of the human spirit... It's fucking STUPID." Your people could have settled in Aruba, but NO! You had to go and settle the Great White North.

Great job, idiots! You were dumb enough to settle a giant expanse of tundra. Now the rest of the world gets to make fun of you for doing so. So stop whining about us making fun of your shitty weather, and stop being mired in denial about how fucking horribly cold it is and MOVE to someplace warm before you waste your lives freezing your balls off. Surely you could move to some other country with a temperate climate. I'm sure countries the world round would gladly accept floods of Canucks washing up on their shores in search of places where their penises could finally stop sucking up into their body cavities to hide from the possibility of frostbite. After all, everyone loves Canadians... No, wait.

#27) Their Self-Appraisal That They Are A Polite People

It's all fine and good to declare that you are a polite people. After all, EVERYONE believes that they aren't rude or arrogant. The kind and gentle people of Canada fill my inbox to the point of bursting with threats of violence. They scream at me on IRC (in below-par grammar and spelling) about the high, high quality of their beer and the way they want to stomp my face in. Ahhh - Miss Manners gets a little snippy when she drinks too much.

Canada Geese migrate to the US during the winter. Have you noticed that nothing from the US migrates to Canada?

Why not invade and take over their resources? That would fix our economy.

I second that

US should invade Canada

Just for fun

Because the pig farmers had to kill all their pigs by court mandate and raided by SWAT teams from the ministry of agriculture....well,.......NO MORE Canadian bacon.

The best time to invade us is December, January and Feburary. The further North you go the better chance you win. Best of luck to ya.

I second that

US should invade Canada

Just for fun

It wouldn't be FUN for either because Canada would never rollover, they'd have to kill just about every Canadian.

I think you're on to something there.