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Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 26372742
Canada
12/31/2012 02:43 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
She did feel unwanted, she knows now, that was not the case. I am gonna run her through the ringer. Was with a women last night myself. I will tell her when time is right. If she still wants this after that, it will speak volumes. She has always been very jealous type and for no good reason. Now she will have reason. If her loves is true, it will show. One more thought. I think the word love, while all great and everything doesn't trump the word passion. You can love many, but passions are what you need to make it. I have it for her, we will see if she has it for me.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17952043


why did she feel unwanted. yes, cheater will cheat. but cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum. for both men and women.
Anonymous Coward
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12/31/2012 02:44 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
OP, all women cheat at one time or another. They crave attention from anyone and everything.

None that I have ever known has a real soul or a real heart. None has integrity, honor, values, or ethics. They are ruthless and can lie as easily as the breath air. They can easily justify anything they do and nothing anyone else does. Most are clinically insane. If she only cheated on you one time then count yourself very lucky.

BTW, how did you find out she cheated? Did you catch her or did she admit it to you? If she told you then at least she does a little bit of a conscience, more than most women have.


.
Anonymous Coward
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12/31/2012 03:54 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
Maybe there's something big that can still happen here, OP? 23 years...

Consider: The definition of the highest love (to me) is unconditional feelings (and hopefully matching actions) for the highest good of another.

Everything other than love is due to selfish motives, patterns, unearthed subconscious issues etc...

All selfishness happens at the cost of love (and results in people getting hurt) since one cannot be 'all about' another's good if they're doing destructive, selfish things.

We all do selfish things - sometimes badly destructive selfish things - as in your wife's case.

That said, OP, you have an opportunity here to really, truly LOVE. Love isn't something that is contingent on someone never letting you down. It's bigger than our foibles and massive screw-ups. Unconditional love is unassailable, when it comes down to it.

Is it to her highest good to divorce (and all that goes with that) or withhold forgiveness in the form of distrust and judgment?

You seem to be saying you care for her, right? If so, then let your LOVE define this situation not her failure(s)! To walk away from the marriage is to let her weakness and failures define YOU and what's left of your family. You have the option, though, and can re-define it and rise above.

Yes, in a sense she left you when she cheated. But, it seems like she could've just left you period. She's shown she wants to stay and make it work, right? Maybe her hormones are wacky? Who knows? To stay is a humble hand out to you - don't smack it down. Go ahead, be angry and let all the tsunami of emotions move on through - but then take her hand - be the man and move on in strength.

This isn't so crazy when you consider how all moral failure, mental or actual, is the same form of destructive selfishness. You're selfish. I'm selfish. All humans are selfish to some degree. We all have failed when it comes to loving someone perfectly. But we can endeavor to it and let LOVE rule every time we choose and act to forgive another's failings - no matter how bad. That is something truly EPIC. Something bigger than mere feelings...

If you've never failed her mentally, in motive or otherwise, you would have a great vantage point from which to judge. But you know you've failed her, too - at least in thoughts - because you're human. Sex is not the only measure of fidelity to someone. Fidelity is across-the-board perfect dedication and we all know, we all have failed our significant other in some form or another, if only our thoughts. LOVE, however, is God's transcendent tool available to us to overcome these selfish weaknesses.

OP, to just judge, divorce and move on requires no love. It's the easy route and one everyone agrees you have the right to take. But To LOVE her...

It's in this moment where you can really LOVE - amped up, mega LOVE - and act in HER HIGHEST GOOD and in doing so, do good to your son and show him and yourself and her what triumphs in life - LOVE. Not failure, not cheating or weakness or selfishness or whatever. She knows her cheating was not to her good. She knows that wasn't love. It was just momentary lust borne of selfishness.

LOVE really can triumph here if you want it.

I'm not saying that you all of the sudden have to TRUST her. That will take many years to restore and rebuild to any great degree - but it CAN be done. Staying is the victory - at first. Then, very slowly, purpose everything to end resentment. She likely resented you to some degree, which is why she let herself fail at that level. Work that out. Sow trust. Release anger. Yield every reaction to LOVE.

So, practicalities: Initially, relax about the trust factor knowing it will take time and determine to work through your anger, sadness and rightful feelings of betrayal and then, co-existed kindly at first, then in closer and closer degrees until you can depend on her. The cheating was a symptom. Get to the root of her issue and yours.

Trust is a funny thing but it doesn't trump love. Humans all fail. SO you cannot trust in anyone's perfection but you can develop trust in physical fidelity if she's willing to prove it as she goes.

To love and forgive would be the stuff of a hero. Anyone can walk away from someone who hurt them or failed them or let them down. Few can deliver LOVE.

BE THE HERO - to her and TO YOUR SON and most of all, TO YOURSELF. God will help you.

Slowly. Carefully. But with rock-solid dedication take one day at a time. Life is too short. Rebuild yourself, too. Get some counseling - separate and together. It can work. YOu can rebuild something with her BETTER than it was.

I've seen it happen so I know it's possible.

To love her now (via staying and forgiving and rebuilding) will shake the world of so many around you in a good way. HER. The other cheat. Both your families. The community. Again, most of all - your son and the rest of his life and his kids and grandkids.

From one man to another - you won't be the sucker if you go the LOVE route. You will deserve immense respect because of the strength it will require. You'll be the HERO to those who know what love really entails. Forgiveness isn't being a sucker, it's being bigger than the offense and it is taking the sting out of your own ass which came as a result of another's behavior.

What a book - sorry so long. Bottom line - if you want to get out - no one blames you. But know there's a huge opportunity here.

I pray you'll be able to elevate, heal, recover, restore and walk on - wiser, better, stronger!

Peace and prayers to you, her and to your son.
PS
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27667491
United Kingdom
12/31/2012 03:57 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
people cheat because they fall out of love. this happens for many and varied reasons

shit happens. i just feel sorry for the kids
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 754169
United States
12/31/2012 06:09 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
She was always faithful, hard worker, great mother. I don't think I can trust her even though I feel she would never do it again. Nobody else can believe she did it neither. She had her tubes crossed at doctor request, she claims it made her crazy. Sounds lame to me, but I love her, can't stand it with or without her now.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17952043


She will do it again, they always do.

Cut your losses now, and look at getting a wife from Eastern Europe. They will be younger, hotter, tighter, and much better attitude.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 754169
United States
12/31/2012 06:10 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
She did feel unwanted, she knows now, that was not the case. I am gonna run her through the ringer. Was with a women last night myself. I will tell her when time is right. If she still wants this after that, it will speak volumes. She has always been very jealous type and for no good reason. Now she will have reason. If her loves is true, it will show. One more thought. I think the word love, while all great and everything doesn't trump the word passion. You can love many, but passions are what you need to make it. I have it for her, we will see if she has it for me.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17952043


why did she feel unwanted. yes, cheater will cheat. but cheating doesn't happen in a vacuum. for both men and women.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26372742


Ah yes, the feminine imperative again.

Women only do wrong as a consequence of something a man did. They never do evil on their own.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 30903996
United States
12/31/2012 06:17 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
you are screwed. She did you wrong. you should by all rights bitch slap her and throw her to the curb like trash.
But realistically, with still a child in the picture, the costs of divorce, your age. I wouldn't toss her out.

But I would demote her to sex slave piece of meat. Fuck her, let your friends fuck her. Fuck her friends. Fuck her sister. shove dildos up her twat while you let your friends fuck her.
If she bitches just remind her that she is the one that brought the relationship down you are having fun with it. Then bitch slap her and throw a load in her mouth.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28815729
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12/31/2012 06:18 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
Keep her around. But, you are free to do what you want from now on. Meet up with your old girlfriend and get some. If you like her better great. Your wife broke the contract. Start looking for something better. But, keep her on the hook till you do.
Jericho9

User ID: 7913305
United States
12/31/2012 06:36 PM

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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
She was always faithful, hard worker, great mother. I don't think I can trust her even though I feel she would never do it again. Nobody else can believe she did it neither. She had her tubes crossed at doctor request, she claims it made her crazy. Sounds lame to me, but I love her, can't stand it with or without her now.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17952043


Been there. Dump her. 17 years and I gave her a second chance. She did it again despite the pain, heartache, sleepless night, tormented days for both me and the kids. She has to go.
Sloane

User ID: 30738089
United States
12/31/2012 06:43 PM

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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
She was always faithful, hard worker, great mother. I don't think I can trust her even though I feel she would never do it again. Nobody else can believe she did it neither. She had her tubes crossed at doctor request, she claims it made her crazy. Sounds lame to me, but I love her, can't stand it with or without her now.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17952043


I didn't read the whole thread, but if you believe in forgiveness then you must try, when you are tested in this worst possible way.

It is hard to get past, but not impossible. People mess up - that's life. It happens in so many relationships.

And you love her! So it's worth it to try and move past. That just my humble opinion, but wishing you the best.

:rainbowthought:
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 16969313
United States
12/31/2012 06:48 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
You better at least get on another woman in return, and then ask her to work it out. If you don't, you aren't a man and you'll wonder from now on. Make it right in your mind or get out. NOW.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
12/31/2012 07:05 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
She has always been very jealous type and for no good reason.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17952043


Two things-

1) from the way you've described your other woman, she DID have reason to be jealous,

2) when someone truly is jealous for no reason, it is often because if projection. They are cheaters themselves- maybe not in deed, but in their thoughts.
wize guy
User ID: 16293453
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12/31/2012 07:56 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
To much face book craiglidst or going out with friends its a guarannteedyou got to keep a bitch in a short leash espesially when they go in heat punish her take awaay her cellphone and
Computer if she dont like it leave her find someone else
Anonymous Coward
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United Kingdom
12/31/2012 07:57 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
yes

/thread
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27870422
United States
12/31/2012 08:05 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
She was always faithful, hard worker, great mother. I don't think I can trust her even though I feel she would never do it again. Nobody else can believe she did it neither. She had her tubes crossed at doctor request, she claims it made her crazy. Sounds lame to me, but I love her, can't stand it with or without her now.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17952043


Throw tha bitch under the bus and back it up over her fat cottage cheese ass, then make tracks for Bangkok and drink and fuck for a month straight. You will a be a new man.

Anonymous Coward
User ID: 30935306
United States
12/31/2012 08:15 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
Here is the real kicker, always had a past love who is quite successful and worships the ground I walk on. She has more love for me then my wife ever had, and she (wife) loves me dearly also. I am just stunned over the events the last couple months. I don't know to shit or go blind.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17952043


Go with the past love. You did your best. The kid will tell you to get fucked later in life anyway regardless of your choice.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27489647
United States
12/31/2012 08:19 PM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
She's 43, I am 46. I got her as a virgin, never dreamed she would cheat, especially this late in the game. I was always faithful, had plenty of opportunity to step out but I never did. Family was always what kept me in line. I would feel a sucker if I let her back in.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17952043


At 46 your not going to be a desired food item if you what I mean. If she is sorry OP? Work it out. Don't sex her right away either, give it time and it will be good again.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 3696169


Ignore that comment. You are 46 big deal. Lay it down like the man you can be. I'm 45 and my target women are 38 to 50. Women are quite tasty within that age group. They are little sexual cannon balls exploding. Just work out, get in shape and lay the hammer down. The level of self esteem you gain will be amazing and enhance other parts of your life.

Don't crawl in a corner, swing the bat bro.

At 46 your not going to be a desired food item...lmao
She must be a bit frozen down there. lol
NhinXa
User ID: 22912311
United States
01/01/2013 07:19 AM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
Dude, you are totally wrong. The percentage of woman who cheat is a lot lower, reportedly less than 20%. Either you've been mislead yourself, or you are purposely misleading others with the disinfo!

[link to www.huffingtonpost.com]

She was always faithful, hard worker, great mother. I don't think I can trust her even though I feel she would never do it again. Nobody else can believe she did it neither. She had her tubes crossed at doctor request, she claims it made her crazy. Sounds lame to me, but I love her, can't stand it with or without her now.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17952043


Once a woman cheats and gets away with it ... she WILL do it again.

Recent studies say that 70% of ALL married women have cheated.
That means that almost all average to better looking married women HAVE cheated.

Marriage is a loser's game for men anymore. The Courts and laws are totally biased against men, so when a woman cheats SHE gets FINANCIALLY REWARDED ... but when a man cheats HE gets FINANCIALLY RAPED.

It is even worse for the man if there are ongoing alimony payments to the ex-wife: She is GETTING PAID TO SLEEP WITH OTHER MEN!!

Get out and do NOT look back. Take your lumps on a lump sum payment and AVOID alimony like the plague. For a long term marriage to avoid alimony she will probably end up with 95% of what you have and YOU will be starting completely over again (probably having to live in a dumpy apartment and drive a dumpy vehicle, even if you make 6 figures a year), but at least YOU will NOT be paying her for life.

My ADVICE TO my sons and ALL YOUNG MEN TODAY?

"NEVER, NEVER, NEVER MARRY!!

The deck is totally stacked against you ... AND the woman WILL, with 95% certainty CHEAT ON YOU.

WHY do you want to pay pay pay for the rest of your life and give up virtually everything YOU worked for because SHE chose to Cheat?

Date. Have fun. But NEVER MARRY!!"

 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 20589235
Anonymous Coward
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01/01/2013 07:33 AM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
She's 43, I am 46. I got her as a virgin, never dreamed she would cheat, especially this late in the game. I was always faithful, had plenty of opportunity to step out but I never did. Family was always what kept me in line. I would feel a sucker if I let her back in.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17952043


At 46 your not going to be a desired food item if you what I mean. If she is sorry OP? Work it out. Don't sex her right away either, give it time and it will be good again.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 3696169


Ignore that comment. You are 46 big deal. Lay it down like the man you can be. I'm 45 and my target women are 38 to 50. Women are quite tasty within that age group. They are little sexual cannon balls exploding. Just work out, get in shape and lay the hammer down. The level of self esteem you gain will be amazing and enhance other parts of your life.

Don't crawl in a corner, swing the bat bro.

At 46 your not going to be a desired food item...lmao
She must be a bit frozen down there. lol
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 27489647


So true, 23 years of marriage and kids for me, then she cheats with a loser. Many beautiful women out there who will appreciate you, a whole new life for you, go for it. That 40 to 50 thing is so true, these women are awesome!!!!! Have fun mate, give that bitch a firm boot in the ass, if you have kids they will surely understand in due time, mine did. Mom screwed up, she is forgiven, but I will not gaze upon her sorry face anymore.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 31264786
United States
01/01/2013 07:36 AM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
who would drill a 50 year old broad ?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 14644643
United States
01/01/2013 07:37 AM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
The only reason you should keep a bitch who cheats is if it turns you on lmao
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26329297


THIS!
Underdog
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01/01/2013 07:38 AM
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Re: Wife of 23 years cheated on me, should I divorce?
Leave her. Even the kids will be better off.

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