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whines of a stepmother

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27858914
United States
11/16/2012 05:18 AM
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whines of a stepmother
I am a stepmother to a very let's call her tenacious little girl we will call her Alyssa. I love her to death but dealing with all that comes with her is going to kill me. Her mother is a extweeker psycho her stepfather thinks hes her dad even though he is black and has even done dna proving he is not. Her biological dad my now husband has been im her life since she was 2 i have been there since 2.1/2 she is now 6 so thats the back story so now i am in between a stupid custody battle her dad wants more time her motherwants more time and i just want to scream. They both overcompensate trying to be the better parent and i am stuck dealing with a little brat who throws tantrums and demands everything. People always tell me that i know what i was getting myself into um no i didn't i had no idea what a cluster fuck of ridiculous i was getting myself into i love them both but i feel like this is too much for him to expect me to desl with and the best part is he doesn't care. At all about how i feel being a stepparent is the worst job ever and as much as i can see the positives all i feel is the negativeswtf
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 27858914
United States
11/16/2012 05:26 AM
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Re: whines of a stepmother
A child thief.. interesting
ANHEDONIC

User ID: 26795689
United States
11/16/2012 05:33 AM

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Re: whines of a stepmother
Children go through stages during their development and it must be somewhat challenging for the child to be coping with two different sets of 'parents' and living situations. Either you can show some patience/tolerance and work through the circumstances/situation or you are free to make the decision to remove yourself from the circumstances altogether.

If you love the man you are with I would encourage you to stick it out and try to foster the best relationship you can with the child for the sake of all involved. Just because you are not the child's mother doesn't mean you can serve as a positive example or role model for the girl when she's living with you and her father.

goofy thum

"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger"
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 27858914
United States
11/16/2012 05:39 AM
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Re: whines of a stepmother

Children go through stages during their development and it must be somewhat challenging for the child to be coping with two different sets of 'parents' and living situations. Either you can show some patience/tolerance and work through the circumstances/situation or you are free to make the decision to remove yourself from the circumstances altogether.

If you love the man you are with I would encourage you to stick it out and try to foster the best relationship you can with the child for the sake of all involved. Just because you are not the child's mother doesn't mean you can serve as a positive example or role model for the girl when she's living with you and her father.

goofy thumclappa i love that good advice
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25613380
United States
11/16/2012 08:42 AM
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Re: whines of a stepmother
John Gottman has written popular literature and stuff for his peers that I think is very useful. Gerald Paterson has written some interesting stuff, as well. My takeaway is that talk wires the brain, and can also rewire it, by providing labels so there aren't undifferentiated emotions floating around in someone's head, and to process and integrate events into consciousness, which can take multiple passes repeating the telling, especially with loaded material. So, dialogue provides the setting to get someone to try to describe and interpret the reality they perceive and how they feel about the associated emotions good and/or bad, supply some words to help with that if they have not yet developed a vocabulary, provides a sounding board to bounce ideas around about how to deal with problems, and gives the opportunity for that person to feel validated in how they define the significance of events and emotions. Kids can come up with some very distorted interpretations of reality, especially with ongoing emotionally traumatic events, that result in any combination of self-hate and rage at others, with possible various overcompensations for THAT to self-sooth, such as narcissism and rejection out of fear.

Another major component of the interaction in wiring the psyche is being a role model, which means, of course, being the grown-up. I'm not talking unlimited catering, setting limits is necessary to help someone develop self-control, just one of the behaviors a child will feel motivated to learn from someone they are emotionally bonded to as part of becoming a functioning adult. Kids, even uncooperative ones, want their caregivers to have age-appropriate expectations of them, but it's necessary sometimes to bend the rules when things get emotionally loaded. To paraphrase Gottman, psychotherapy is reparenting. Conversation in amounts and content appropriate to the immediate and ongoing situation is a tool to monitor and guide someone's emotional state and development, something totally ordinary mothers can do to extraordinary effect. Creating activities that provide opportunities to experience positive feelings and a sense accomplishment, to practice behaviors and iron out kinks, as well as to counterbalance past negatives, can be a huge project, but ultimately will likely pay off with huge dividends.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25613380
United States
11/16/2012 08:43 AM
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Re: whines of a stepmother
And, oh yeah, stepmother, mothering on 'roids.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1405546
United States
11/16/2012 08:49 AM
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Re: whines of a stepmother
When children are told to behave, they look at the target person they believe to be well behaved (even if that person is not).

You need to convince her you are the best person to learn from. Then show her how ladies behave by being a lady yourself.

If you respond with arguements, punishments, etc then you just convince the little girl to look after another like her crazy bio-mom.



Kids don't know right from wrong as much as we think they do. All they know is the "mother" they look at IS good behavior even if the mom is horrible.
Anonymous Coward
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United States
11/16/2012 08:54 AM
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Re: whines of a stepmother
And I'm real tired, so I forgot to mention a major reason for all this convo and structured positive is so that someone won't be symbolically acting out, the behavior is redirected into verbal expression and participation in activities that condition someone to experience a more satisfying emotional state that is self-reinforcing.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1658942
Germany
12/06/2012 10:26 AM
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Re: whines of a stepmother
SHUT UP AND GET BACK TO THE KITCHEN
Renegade (Me too)

User ID: 28510817
United States
12/06/2012 10:32 AM

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Re: whines of a stepmother
I am a stepmother to a very let's call her tenacious little girl we will call her Alyssa. I love her to death but dealing with all that comes with her is going to kill me. Her mother is a extweeker psycho her stepfather thinks hes her dad even though he is black and has even done dna proving he is not. Her biological dad my now husband has been im her life since she was 2 i have been there since 2.1/2 she is now 6 so thats the back story so now i am in between a stupid custody battle her dad wants more time her motherwants more time and i just want to scream. They both overcompensate trying to be the better parent and i am stuck dealing with a little brat who throws tantrums and demands everything. People always tell me that i know what i was getting myself into um no i didn't i had no idea what a cluster fuck of ridiculous i was getting myself into i love them both but i feel like this is too much for him to expect me to desl with and the best part is he doesn't care. At all about how i feel being a stepparent is the worst job ever and as much as i can see the positives all i feel is the negativeswtf
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 27858914


First, try to implement some grammar rules.
Who is John Galt?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 15626224
United States
12/06/2012 10:44 AM
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Re: whines of a stepmother
I feel bad for this little girl...her natural parents and step-dad sound a little nuts, and her step-mom likes to converse with herself on GLP!

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