Sorry for you but it might take years before you get this off your chest, my advice is...don't rush it.

Way back in 1975 I dumped a guy on the same day we were to go and buy my engagement ring, he wanted to become a long distance truck driver and I had already suffered through both of my parents working on the road and being gone.
My mom had talked him into going to truckers school.
No way was I going to do it and I had given him months of warnings about it that fell on deaf ears.
On the day he came back to town from graduation he was in the shower at mom's and announced he was going to take me out to buy a ring that day.

I said, "Um, no we are not."
I left.
Mom said he cried like a baby all night sleeping on her couch.

Decades went by with me feeling like shit over not giving yet one more final attempt out of many to let him know why I backed out.

I found him on facebook last year, we started chatting.
He has done well, had 2 kids and a grand kid and had a fairly happy life, divorced and was teaching college classes from some extra training he had taken over the years.

I finally took the time to apologize and I blamed it all on me and my ability to not want a husband on the road 20+ days out of the month only to leave again.

He still loved me after all these decades.
He passed away 3 months ago from health issues.

I am so very glad I took the time to let the situation chill and go on with my life but also to take the time to go back, reconnect and explain everything.

Give it some time, maybe even a few decades.
Don't rush things. There is no hurry.
Goodluck!