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A message from the Queen to the U.S

 
Shoot straight Johnny

User ID: 27808130
United Kingdom
11/17/2012 09:41 AM

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A message from the Queen to the U.S
This is something I found posted on Facebook, purporting to be from Her Maj. The Queen to the American People.

Disclaimer: I can't verify whether this message is genuine or not.




A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!



PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!


End of Message




cruise

ukukuk
union

The chariots of God are tens of thousands, and thousands of thousands.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27852721
United Kingdom
11/17/2012 09:46 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
1rof1
Anonymous Coward
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United States
11/17/2012 09:47 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
laugh , best thread ever , 5 stars
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 5301129
Poland
11/17/2012 09:48 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
laugh , pin this
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 9946359
United States
11/17/2012 09:50 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
hflolsignlolsignlolsignpooprofl
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1268332
United Kingdom
11/17/2012 09:55 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
uk
Sir Griffo
Sir Griffo

User ID: 27935103
Australia
11/17/2012 09:58 AM

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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
5* op... Please can Ricky Gervais be appointed head of the former USA..
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27922071
United Kingdom
11/17/2012 09:59 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
Don't forget the 'corgi' seal of approval needed for all tradesmen.
DL
User ID: 25582762
United States
11/17/2012 10:05 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
I love that crafty old broad. Putin is about to be kicked in the nuts by an old war bird, and her entourage.

Doesn't get any better than that.
shamanik

User ID: 27857939
United Kingdom
11/17/2012 10:11 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
lolsign
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27922746
United Kingdom
11/17/2012 10:14 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
hehehe hope it includes Canada dasbierukukukukukdasbier
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20955129
United States
11/17/2012 10:27 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
 Quoting: Shoot straight Johnny




Try to make us.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27922746
United Kingdom
11/17/2012 11:00 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
 Quoting: Shoot straight Johnny




Try to make us.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 20955129


What again slaphimslaphim
ladyannie2009

User ID: 12734608
United States
11/17/2012 11:36 AM

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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
usa brilliant usa
"the truth will stand up, when nothing else will"
- annie's mom

"When a great ship is in harbor and moored, it is safe, there can be no doubt. But that is not what great ships are built for."
- Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes
Shoot straight Johnny (OP)

User ID: 27808130
United Kingdom
11/17/2012 11:51 AM

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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
usa brilliant usa
 Quoting: ladyannie2009


LoL...I love them red, white and blue cheerleaders
union

The chariots of God are tens of thousands, and thousands of thousands.
Sir Griffo
Sir Griffo

User ID: 27975599
Australia
11/18/2012 12:33 AM

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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
owhine
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 19980561
United States
11/18/2012 12:37 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
bsflag
We don't need any help from the Limey's destroying America. We'll do that ourselves. s226
Sir Griffo
Sir Griffo

User ID: 25426975
Australia
11/21/2012 12:42 AM

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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
bump
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25192764
United States
11/21/2012 01:57 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
Obvious bullshit
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1034800
United States
11/21/2012 02:06 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
Obvious bullshit
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 25192764


Lol is it that obvious?
Notice how only the people with British flags are laughing?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 14093935
United States
11/21/2012 02:13 AM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
I'm moving to North Dakota!
Shoot straight Johnny (OP)

User ID: 29552936
United Kingdom
12/25/2012 11:38 AM

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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
I'm moving to North Dakota!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 14093935


angryface
union

The chariots of God are tens of thousands, and thousands of thousands.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 30833867
United States
12/25/2012 12:03 PM
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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
I read this when it was first posted, and it still makes me laugh! Thanks for bringing it up again. Love the writer's sense of humour (with a u).
thetrickybigguy
say hello to my little friend...

User ID: 30828180
United States
12/25/2012 12:27 PM

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Re: A message from the Queen to the U.S
this is my holiday message for the 'bull dyke queen'...

[link to www.amishrakefight.org]
Falling down is a part of life, getting back up is living. ~

Life is about choices, you get to make them each and every day of your life. ~

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.~

Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.~

“When a government is dependent for money upon the bankers, they and not the government leaders control the nation. This is because the hand that gives is above the hand that takes. Financiers are without patriotism and without decency.”

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