love letter

dear everything,

i never meant to say 'our love was gone now', in front of all the immature, hostile, dick-brained people you work with, it was just easier to explain part of the situation i am in to complete strangers, smart, mature people you work with, in order to pick their brains....

i hope you see know, how your pride wasn't worth hurting me, especiall since i never set out to hurt your pride, but if you still doubt, i apologize, in front of all the idiots and smart people that will be reading this.

this is not why i am writing to you.

i want to tell you something, something i told you many times before i had found out what really happened in solna...
and then i did find out and stopped saying it, started saying stuff like,
'we can't work this out', or
'i'm not sure i we can get through this.'

i used to tell you,
"u have done nothing worong",
a lot...

then i discovered, how you made me feel like you didn't love me,
and that destroyed me completely....

i forget something though, it all started with me pretending not to like you, then doing whatever disgusting thing i can come up with to prove to you that i couldn't possibly love you, and that i was the world's most disgusting person.

i was not humiliated when you decided to man handle me, fuck me in a macho, 'me tarzan you jane way'.
coz there is nothing wrong with your man being wrong once in a while, and mixing anger and passion, and any woman that loves her man as much as i love you, can stick it out, juste let her man get it out of his system....
i was determined to just take my 'punishemen't as lovingly as i could, coz after all there wasn't anything truelly sick about it, you are not that kind of a man'

it was even quite sexy, in a slightly disturbing, he should not be doing this when he is this mad', way...

so there was no humiliation, and had we been a couple that had the luxury of getting to know each other a bit, it would all be pretty ok as soon as you were done, and i really did understand how i just pushed you where no loving spouses should push each other.


but i got scared.
i got scared to death...

i dind't know at the time, what kind of man have you become, all i knew i pushed you to outer limits...
i was worried you'll hit me, and prove his point, that you were not much better than him...

see, it's not ok that your friends think a man should only protect women from his physical superiority if women are good to the men...that makes them exactly the same as the fitzle.

he specifically told me not to sleep with you, what i did was a great sin, in his eyes.
so he thinks it's ok whatever he did to me, i asked for it.

just like your ex friend, the one that grew up thinking he looks like an ape, thinks it's ok that he slapped me, coz he thought i was into that and asking for it, not even knowing that this reviels only a lot about him, and nothing about me.

but, i don't have to waste time explaining all this to you, do i?

you are the smartes man i know.

so i was worried sick, coz i though, i could not survive to find out that you are like him.

that you would hit me coz i sinned.

i was so scared.
i didn't shout 'don't hurt me' coz i was scared for my life, i was begging you not to be like him, not to kill me in ways much worse than suicide ever was...

i was planning to kill myself, soon, after i go far enough so it couldn't be connected to you, and i cldnt be strong enough to face the fritzle, and say no to him, if i was thinking you were not much better than him...

i was ok, to put up with a little pain and bleeding, after all this is what love does, we tolarate each other's mistakes, or sometimes even furious mistakes, but i didn't know you, and that made me worried sick....

i was to go to the fritzle, soon enoough, and tell him NO, and he would say, you are still siding with a guy who beat you up, and mocked the way you look.

there wouldn't be much of me left if i had found out that you became a human coz i screwed up, and you became the kind of human that awful ex friend of yours is, or any disgusting ones...
so i was teriffied, and obviously very confused and angry soon enough....

all this is grand, i have every right to listen to lisa stansfiled and cry, and feel hurt, but i am forgetting one thing....

you were terrified...terriefied of the same thing i was so terrified of....
you had not way of knowing what i was doing nasty stuff out of love and concern for you, and it sure didn't seem that way...
yes your ego was hurt, yes your pride got the best of you, but only coz your heart was broken...
coz i was proving you moment by moment that i have become that person, the not much better than the fritzle person...

you're not possessive baby, or weak and insecure in your manhood.
don't let anyone tell you this, coz they are not even close to right.

you are a gorgeous man with the most beautiful big penis in the world and even bigger brain.

you would not have problems chucking out a nasty bitch that got her kicks out of humiliating you in front of people.you would not have any problem at all moving on and leaving her be, without the slightes sign of agression.
without even as muich as feeling sorry for her.
you are very healthy and mature in your sexuality and your manhood. i will vouch for that, always.

but it was me.
the nasty evil sadistic bitch was me.
that was the problem...

even if you wanted, you can't not love me.

you can't walk away....

i know coz that is how i feel about you.
i can say stuff i don't mean.
i can lie to myself and say, well there are lovely men that i don't have complicated history withm that i can go on dates on...maybe just maybe...
no maybe, no dates, no waling away from you, i just can't

but living like two rabid puppies isn't an option either,it stops right here and now, i cannot watch us hurt each other anymore...
so i have to, we have to work it out...

especially since you haven't done anythign wrong.

i was hitting you, not literally, coz i'm not stronger than you, so my hitting doesn't come up to the same level of meaness and disgustyness as if you'd hit me, but i was hitting you where it hurts a man the worst...

i was humiliating you in front of other, and to make things even worse not a very smart, shallow men

you knew your 'friend' was stupid and shallow, granted not as nasty as he has shown when faced with a woman he felt inferior to, but you knew he can't possibly help himself but gloat that i was humiliating you. that i was this kind of stupid imbecil, the kind of not even he can be...

unlike my fear that you might turn out to be as bad as the frizle, you had proof i was.

i gave you proof.

and you could see i was running from some kind of psychopathic training, and had benn cuttting my own hair.
it was not hard to believe i was just this twisted and gone...

and it broke your heart, and it broke you brain, and you were comepletely out of your mind...

yet all you could think of, after you'd vent a bit, was that there had to be a way for you to fix me, no matter how bad it was you will fix me.

you had to try, and failing was not an option.

abdul, you are the sexiest man alive, and you have done nothing wrong.

i was weak, thin.

my patiance, my strenght, my resolve. my ability to understand and forgive things i knew were said but not meant was worn down and thin.

i got scared that he was right that he knew you better than i did, and i wld rather have my memory erased then face that.
and you faced it, and you said 'it's ok, i understand, i'll fix you.'

i'll fix you, you nasty, ugly, crazy woman.

i'll fix you coz i love you.

and i was weak in another respec too, i wasn't sure if you'd turn out to be nasty, that i wldn't kill you...
not kill you kill you, but fall into their hands again and just not find enough strenght in me to resist them anymore, so i wanted you out of my head, so they can't find you there, and i can't find memories of our misunderstandings.

LOL, this crakcs me up, do i look anywhere near the streght of such strong being as yourself.

i couldn't kill you even if i hated you, i am not stronger than you.

but, what kind of love is it, if i couldn't say the same you said?

if i couldn't say, it's ok, you just beat me up, but i will fix you, coz i love u.

i don't care if the smart people in your office say we are disturbed, and i don't care if they have a point.
we are not nearly disturbed enough to compare to some of the people that do 'disturbed' for kicks.
at least, i am disturbed for Love.
from now on, i am allowed to be as disturbed as - to get through anything you do - and say, it is ok, we are getting through this.

not that i will ever have to worry about physical violance, if you din't hit me in solna, those three days, it's pretty safe to say you never will=), but here will be other things as years go by.

we were wrong to erase my memory...
thinking that wld be a good idea.
i don't know myself very well it seems, i thought i could forget you....

i could never forget you...

i also do not forget when someone abused me, and i consider the way i was treated in detention in gavle, before i was sent to BiH abuse...

so i had two memories, a memory of you and a memory that i was abused to a point i wanted to gauge my eyes out...
i alos had a broken heart, i was in more pain than ever in my life, i was broken down and having meltdowns.

i had a meltdown over seeing a police station,
holding a cup of coffee, arriving at solna reception unit, looking at a door,
huge meltdown over the fact that the door was locked
meltdown over a bike, a table....
i found mysef sitting, wheeping and shouting, singing love songs in the middle of a country i just got into, next to a building i never saw before on a bench i never sat on and could have sworn that right there on that bench i left everything that ever mattered and that i should be dead now
how the hell am i alive.

give me back my memories, and don't worry, the most painful thing about my total recal will be things i put you through, not things you have done to me.

i had this flashback, that made me write this letter.

it was of a wonderful, sexy, careful, amazing man...
that was careful no to hurt me with his unusually big, yet suprisingly hard penis...

(do you have like an extra liter of blood or something?=)

who was trying to explaint things to me,patiently,
like,
that you will get in trouble if i continue pretending you are raping or forcing me,
this is my life you know, not a cartoon.

like, i am human korana, you can't throw me off a huge cliff and run down expecting to see me get up alive and continue this battle you are turning us in.

i am not wilde coyote, stop acting like a human road runner....

i'm probably inventing the words you used, the cartoon metaphor is something i say to people, when they are incosidaret, but you know what i mean.

i had this flashback, that you were so wonderful i was ready to break your heart just to stop him from having you...that you were all i could wish for and more...

just give me my memories back, you have done nothing wrong...

in all fairness all girls like a bit of rough sex, from time to time, and i am not that pretty, that is simply a fact, it shouldn't be something we fight over.=)

i love you, and if you will have me, i will be right here waiting for you, and listening to richard marx.

i'm sorry for the things i've put you through, and i understand, and you did what you had to do, and you haven't done ANYTHING wrong.

until i can have my memory back, if i become insecure of how i feel about solna again, coz of what other people say, remind me of that, remind me you have done nothing wrong.

but, i will try to make sure that before or after recal you never have to worry about solna anymore, still if i do not manage it, just tell me, just say, woman i have done nothing wrong, now turn lisa stansfield off and mentally come sit on my lap.

thngs will be different from now on, and if you want me, i would ne honored to spend my life giving you pleasure and loving you.

i am very clingy though, do not think just coz people caleld you possessive with a good reason you will get me to behave like a normal 34 year old....

expect to be my boyfriend, dad, mother and nanna

and i will learn to cook and, if we can afford it, be a stay at home mom and just be very traditional dangerous assassin wife with many tattoos, and there is nothing wrong with missionary or spanking, excuse me for liking my leo husband...(but i guess we can work out the deatails later)

i love you.

i'm sorry for the things i have put you through.

yours,

korana