The lovejunk in me

Hello everyone on godlike productions,

A few months ago i posted a question about people stop liking me after a while after i gave and gave and gave, selflessly willing to do things for them so they feel good.

I could never hold on to a relation with a girl, because the feeling of love would be gone fast.. or they just like me as a friend. (and no not because my looks, i look fine enough)

Well i have found why. And the name of this overly nice person in me is called the "Lovejunk".

Here is the problem: I am addicted to love and people liking me. and an addiction is never good, it takes holds of you physically or mentally.

So what is a lovejunk?

A lovejunk its primary aim is to satisfy other people. On one side this is fine. By involving yourself with other people you give a lot of positive attention and people seem to like that. But on the other hand this is the place where the problem hides. This is because the lovejunk, the name says it all, makes that you NEED the love from and to others to feel secure. That's why you create a habit to please other people. Because if you are good to other people, they will appreciate you and that is what the lovejunk in you wants to be confirmed! You will measure from the reactions off other people if you are "good enough" yourself. Are they still nice to me? Do they still give you compliments? At the moment that you can interpret their behavior as criticism or negative, you will conclude that you have no value. Thereafter you will show off, sometimes even compulsive, to bring the other person at different thoughts, to make them think positive about you again.

Because you feel the victim of the "negative" behavior of other people, you can make them feel guilty. You manipulate them with that, because they are not guilty of anything. It is your lack of esteem which you sentenced their behavior. 'i'm being nice to you, why are you so mean to me?' And do not make the mistake: even though you don't speak the words, the other will feel just fine that you can not stand that they are not nice to you. Your non-verbal signals (facial expression, body language, voice, etc.) are stronger then you might think. In the need for love and attention from others, manipulates the lovejunk his environment, most of the time without him being conscious about it.

The original core quality of the lovejunk

His ability to empathize in others
This means he is pleasant in communion and forms good company.

He can really bind to people
His nice character ensures he does not have to go through life on his own. If he is not afraid to keep in contact with other people (by calling, mailing or giving a visit), he can have sustainable relations with the most different people.

He gives people space to be themselves
Because he is more likely to place himself under the other then above, he is a good listener. Because of that he gives other the space to be themselves. They will feel good about that. That is someone that can really listen is what he will hear alot.

It is nice to commune with him
A lovejunk is naturally someone that you really want in your acquaintance or friend circle. He lets you know he really likes you, wants to do something for you, and will not leave you.

The pitfalls of the lovejunk

He counts his self away
In his zeal to please others, counts the lovejunk himself away. He doesn't value himself enough to spend attention to himself. Because of the attention to and from others he will feel fine for a short while.

He does not have the courage to say what he really thinks
The lovejunk is a sympathetic and nice person, but he will possibly have negative thoughts and ideas. The problem is, he does not have the courage to express them. You can never be sure what he says about you is true. If he gives you an compliment, say nice things or does something for you, will you never be sure if he means it. Maybe he thinks negative about you and he just don't want you to hate him. Maybe he is doing something against his will, what you would not like , but he says he does it with pleasure. In some measure this will be true, because its his nature to do things for someone else. But at the same time it can be that he will lay down his own interests and later on he can really suffer because of it. And if you let him do things long enough he will say its your fault he could not do his own things, and thats not nice.

He does not feel self worthy to talk about his own problems.

Balance between love and hate
In the world, relations, friendships and acquaintances there needs to be a balance between love and hate. If there is only love, the boundaries of one person will be pushed and pushed and pushed until the other person breaks and says its your fault.

Lets take an example from nature: the anthropoid ape. If they push each other boundaries to far, they will fight because of it. After that they want to let each other know they don't HATE them so they have sex. But after the fight they will exactly know where each others boundaries are, and will possibly not break them again.

This is the same in human friendships and relations. If you had a fight with a friend, you both know what the boundary is of the other person. And none of you will push the boundary too far to make the other hate you. But the lovejunk will say its not a problem that you pushed his boundary and after a while he will break. The lovejunk will stop the friendship/relation and will get mad at you, even though you didn't see it comming. You did not know you did something wrong, because the lovejunk never told you that you did something he did not like.

Where was the lovejunk born?
There are many ways to create a lovejunk. Here are some examples.

John is the 5th born in his family, the fourth born is Jimmy. Jimmy has a disorder and needs a lot of attention from his mother. But John also wants attention from his mother and he tries to do the same as jimmy, his mom gets mad because its not normal to act like this for John. John does not want his mother to get mad at him, so he tries to find ways to make his mother make him feel loved. He will do things for his mother to make it easier for her and goes play in the corner with his toys, and his mom smiles nice to him, says he is a good nice kid.

This is a natural survival instinct for kids at a young age. love from the mother. But in a later stage of your life you are not ruled by your mother anymore, you have to stand up for yourself. But because being nice and helpfull and not get annoyed by people hating on you was so good an option at this young age, you will keep doing it for the rest of your life too.



Now a personal story about where my lovejunk would have been born
From the age of 5 i've been bullied by classmates. they called me fat or pig. they would punch me because i was "fat". I had no friends, and at the same time my little brother was diagnosed with cancer.. he was only 3. So getting no love from friends, not alot of attention from my parents i had to find love somewhere else. I would be very nice to my teachers always doing things they want. They always told me that i was a good kid and would make a lot of my life because of my kindness. This goes on for another 10 years! really .. At my 13th year i was going to the next school.. only by the time i was 15 i got a teacher that stopped the bullying.. He would take them in his class and keep them until 5 o'clock and then he would call their parents and have a talk, everytime he heard them bullying me.

But now i'm old enough to care for myself, but i lost almost every friend i had.. never had a real relationship all because i was the nice guy. I was always mad at myself becouse i let my friends and "girlfriends" simply walk over me. i never dare to tell my thoughts to them, because i was too afraid to lose them.

Now i'm trying to change myself, with the help of other lovejunks we try to make our lives a better place.

I'm hoping my post will help other people too in life, if you can find yourself in one of the stories i told please discuss and let me know if this was an eyeopener for you.

Literature: De mythe van de lovejunk ( The myth of the lovejunk)

p.s. love you all (A)