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Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME

 
Anonymous Coward
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02/01/2006 03:47 AM
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Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
[link to www.torinfo.com]

Coyote V. Acme
IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT,
SOUTHWESTERN DISTRICT, TEMPE, ARIZONA
CASE NO. B19294, JUDGE JOAN KUJAVA, PRESIDING
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff
-v.-
Acme Company, Defendant

Opening Statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:


My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hereby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering causes as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code, Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.

Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail-order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in his profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.

Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket Sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and, sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fity feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poorly designed steering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent braking system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled brought it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.

Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernest Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts of all four legs.

Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety. Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard to violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.

Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalogue and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalog #78-832), climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.

In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:

1 Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
2 Sooty discoloration.
etc

more at above link

Last Edited by SPUD on 04/07/2012 12:32 AM
Anonymous Coward
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02/01/2006 04:01 AM
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Re: Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
cute
Wiley Coyote

User ID: 68694
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02/01/2006 07:44 AM
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Re: Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
headbang
Omega

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02/01/2006 07:48 AM
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Re: Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
Go get em' Wiley!!!
woohoo
Handguns are a skill; shotguns an art; rifles a science.
_____________________________________
Democracy is two wolves and a sheep voting on whats for dinner.

Disarmament is the precursor to Genocide.

Better to take action now rather than chances later. Your choice.
malu

User ID: 11
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02/01/2006 07:51 AM
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Re: Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
awesome! kick their arses wiley!

omg,,,, i am going to fall out of my chair laughing,,,
"By way of deception, thou shalt do war."

Israel's Mossad

"The truth shall set you free."

U.S. Central Intelligence Agency Motto
Wiley Coyote

User ID: 68694
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02/01/2006 08:15 AM
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Re: Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
" As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fity feet."

Yeah, that was a tough one. I'm still sore.

Of course, the lawsuit should read "MS. Coyote".
malu

User ID: 11
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02/01/2006 08:27 AM
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Re: Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
i suggest we fire your lawyers,,,,,,,,,,, you have been though too much wiley,,i think,, one billion dollars is in order *pinky on lip*
"By way of deception, thou shalt do war."

Israel's Mossad

"The truth shall set you free."

U.S. Central Intelligence Agency Motto
Anonymous Coward
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04/07/2012 12:22 AM
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Re: Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
banana2
Eggcellent

User ID: 13043121
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04/07/2012 01:24 AM
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Re: Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
i suggest we fire your lawyers,,,,,,,,,,, you have been though too much wiley,,i think,, one billion dollars is in order *pinky on lip*
 Quoting: malu




Hey! If Wiley's using "alternative" forms of energy, perhaps he qualifies for an Obama Solyndra grant!
"I have come to the conclusion that all news should be treated like 9/11, assume it is a psyop with actors participating in a staged event complete with props, until proven otherwise, in which case assume whatever is being recorded, reported, televised, is distortions/lying by omission/outright lies, until proven otherwise." - Anonymous, 4-13-12
C.
User ID: 15117120
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04/26/2012 05:51 PM
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Re: Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
Bump for funniness.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 7840805
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04/26/2012 05:57 PM
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Re: Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
Is that the latest from Divine Cosmos?
goodmockingbird
In the Heart of the EF 5 Tornado Belt

User ID: 13333805
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04/26/2012 06:01 PM

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Re: Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
5 star hilarious!

Wow! What a blast from the past.

OP was in 2006.

Last Edited by goodmockingbird on 04/26/2012 06:02 PM
In Memory of Tyrone Woods and Glen Doherty: American Heroes, Abandoned and Betrayed.
C.
User ID: 15117120
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04/26/2012 06:03 PM
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Re: Lawsuit filed by Wile E. Coyote against ACME
Is that the latest from Divine Cosmos?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 7840805


I don't know. I think this is hysterical!

It is funny without being offensive to anyone since it's just cartoon characters. Which we all remember.

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