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3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.

 
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 03:39 PM
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3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
When I knew I had her, I started asking about her sexual preferences/proclivities. She went on about how she loved when Eddie went down on her and described in detail his method (I still use the move sometimes today).

When we got back to my place she was ready to go when the front door closed. I laid her down on the couch and performed the steps she had taught me less than 30 minutes before. I got her nice and wet performing the Eddie (it's what I call EVH's oral maneuver) and then took my pants off hoping for her to return the favor, she didn't.

After an awkward few seconds waiting for her to grab my engorged member and go down, I realized she wasn't planning on that. So I commenced to fucking. She was just an average lay, but nowhere near the best.

The next day she left and gave me her number. I weighed the prospects of the situation and decided against seeing her again. I never called to even tell her, what was I going to say: "You're lousy in bed and I don't want the paparazzi following me around?"

Anyway, last week I noticed a strange growth on my johnson. I went to the doctor earlier today and he took a look at it. He took a biopsy of it and then came the questions. After 10 or so questions he got a weird look on his face and asked if I knew Valerie Bertinelli. I looked back quizzically and said yeah. He asked if there had been any sexual activity between us and if so what. I told him I had gone down on and fucked her. He promptly slapped on some gloves and started digging around in my mouth. He found a strange growth on my tongue and took a biopsy.

In a week I'll get the results of the biopsies but the doctor thinks they're cancerous. He has personally seen 4 cases of cancer from people involved with Bertinelli and knows of other doctors who have seen the same. The woman is a menace.
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 03:41 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
who?
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 03:41 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
putin
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11/28/2012 03:42 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
who would want to fuck valerie bertinelli anyway?
Anonymous Coward
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Australia
11/28/2012 03:44 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
putin
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 968649


lmao
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 03:46 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
Was she a fat hog back then?
mathetes

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11/28/2012 03:47 PM

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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
OMG! OP you've contracted the dreaded Bertinellinus!
For I would not, brethren, that ye should be ignorant of this mystery, lest ye should be wise in your own conceits; that blindness in part is happened to Israel, until the fulness of the Gentiles be come in.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
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11/28/2012 03:48 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
Was she a fat hog back then?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 28653103


No.
Evil Cretin

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11/28/2012 03:48 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
OMG! OP you've contracted the dreaded Bertinellinus!
 Quoting: mathetes


After performing the Eddie!!
Free speech is never free.
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 03:49 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
disgusting
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 03:49 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
Dude you were drunk, that was a transgendered person and his name was Bert Valenelli.
Evil Cretin

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11/28/2012 03:50 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
Dude you were drunk, that was a transgendered person and his name was Bert Valenelli.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 28641198


You guys crack me up sometimes.
Free speech is never free.
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 03:51 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
OMG! OP you've contracted the dreaded Bertinellinus!
 Quoting: mathetes


After performing the Eddie!!
 Quoting: Evil Cretin


1rof1

you guys kill me!
Nam Marine
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11/28/2012 03:51 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
siren2shillsiren2
Burt Gummer

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11/28/2012 03:56 PM

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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
When I knew I had her, I started asking about her sexual preferences/proclivities. She went on about how she loved when Eddie went down on her and described in detail his method (I still use the move sometimes today).

When we got back to my place she was ready to go when the front door closed. I laid her down on the couch and performed the steps she had taught me less than 30 minutes before. I got her nice and wet performing the Eddie (it's what I call EVH's oral maneuver) and then took my pants off hoping for her to return the favor, she didn't.

After an awkward few seconds waiting for her to grab my engorged member and go down, I realized she wasn't planning on that. So I commenced to fucking. She was just an average lay, but nowhere near the best.

The next day she left and gave me her number. I weighed the prospects of the situation and decided against seeing her again. I never called to even tell her, what was I going to say: "You're lousy in bed and I don't want the paparazzi following me around?"

Anyway, last week I noticed a strange growth on my johnson. I went to the doctor earlier today and he took a look at it. He took a biopsy of it and then came the questions. After 10 or so questions he got a weird look on his face and asked if I knew Valerie Bertinelli. I looked back quizzically and said yeah. He asked if there had been any sexual activity between us and if so what. I told him I had gone down on and fucked her. He promptly slapped on some gloves and started digging around in my mouth. He found a strange growth on my tongue and took a biopsy.

In a week I'll get the results of the biopsies but the doctor thinks they're cancerous. He has personally seen 4 cases of cancer from people involved with Bertinelli and knows of other doctors who have seen the same. The woman is a menace.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 27535583



You gotta give this OP kudos for the most original bullsh*t story on recent history.
Great story though......insert name and OFF ya go.


owndbag beavis
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11/28/2012 03:57 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
Thanks for the warning.

I'll make sure I don't do anything with her. Just in case.

So her, Jessica Alba and Paris Hilton. (Not that Paris has any diseases that I know about, but she's seemed a bit shallow on Twitter...)

:)

So that's that. Kind of a shame, I just looked up Valerie's pics on google and she's fairly cute. (Yes, even now that she's a little older and has gained a few pounds.)
YaRight

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11/28/2012 04:26 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
You went after Eddie?????? OMG dude you know he caught Bulgarian Ball Rot way back in the 80,s

OP…check your balls quick you still might have time ….. Sammy Hagar has the cure but you will need to blow him …. Not a first time for you I am sure
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
Analrapist (OP)

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11/28/2012 04:27 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
You gotta give this OP kudos for the most original bullsh*t story on recent history.
Great story though......insert name and OFF ya go.


owndbag beavis
 Quoting: Burt Gummer


neener2
Let's get Fünke!!!
Li'l Wolfy VH
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11/28/2012 04:35 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
Stop knocking my mom, doosh.

Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 04:38 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
she has not been hot for 20 years
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 04:40 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
Five stars for you,and I'm not sure why.
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 04:54 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
bsflag
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 04:57 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
bananadon't be a fool, wrap your toolbanana
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 05:00 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
What? Like you didn't expect that slut to be totaly filthy with STDs?
Analrapist (OP)

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11/28/2012 05:02 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
bananadon't be a fool, wrap your toolbanana
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 968649


Yeah, but how many people put a condom on their tongue? Or even use a dental dam?
Let's get Fünke!!!
Anonymous Coward
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Canada
11/28/2012 05:06 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
bananadon't be a fool, wrap your toolbanana
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 968649


Yeah, but how many people put a condom on their tongue? Or even use a dental dam?
 Quoting: Analrapist


With a nasty and well used whore like that, I recommend a level 3 or higher full body biocontainment suit.
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 05:06 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
I knew it would be a stupid disgusting story but somehow I couldnt stop reading it. The way it was told, oh god! great writing skills OP!

dasbier
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France
11/28/2012 05:08 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
Eddie was well known for his hot licks.
Analrapist (OP)

User ID: 27535583
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11/28/2012 05:11 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
I knew it would be a stupid disgusting story but somehow I couldnt stop reading it. The way it was told, oh god! great writing skills OP!

dasbier
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1711362


Thanks.
Let's get Fünke!!!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28660470
Germany
11/28/2012 05:21 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
Libel?
Anonymous Coward
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11/28/2012 05:21 PM
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Re: 3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.
Shit! I'd better get tested. ahhh

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