3 years ago I met Valerie Bertinelli at a Christmas party. I talked her up and eventually took her home with me.

When I knew I had her, I started asking about her sexual preferences/proclivities. She went on about how she loved when Eddie went down on her and described in detail his method (I still use the move sometimes today).

When we got back to my place she was ready to go when the front door closed. I laid her down on the couch and performed the steps she had taught me less than 30 minutes before. I got her nice and wet performing the Eddie (it's what I call EVH's oral maneuver) and then took my pants off hoping for her to return the favor, she didn't.

After an awkward few seconds waiting for her to grab my engorged member and go down, I realized she wasn't planning on that. So I commenced to fucking. She was just an average lay, but nowhere near the best.

The next day she left and gave me her number. I weighed the prospects of the situation and decided against seeing her again. I never called to even tell her, what was I going to say: "You're lousy in bed and I don't want the paparazzi following me around?"

Anyway, last week I noticed a strange growth on my johnson. I went to the doctor earlier today and he took a look at it. He took a biopsy of it and then came the questions. After 10 or so questions he got a weird look on his face and asked if I knew Valerie Bertinelli. I looked back quizzically and said yeah. He asked if there had been any sexual activity between us and if so what. I told him I had gone down on and fucked her. He promptly slapped on some gloves and started digging around in my mouth. He found a strange growth on my tongue and took a biopsy.

In a week I'll get the results of the biopsies but the doctor thinks they're cancerous. He has personally seen 4 cases of cancer from people involved with Bertinelli and knows of other doctors who have seen the same. The woman is a menace.