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My marriage is in crisis

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 15477129
12/03/2012 12:33 PM
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My marriage is in crisis
Wife can't bear children of her own. We've tried the traditional way and we've tried artificial insemination. It's no go. Now she is desperate to adopt a kid from a third world country. I can't stand the idea.

I've never wanted kids - I don't know what good they're for. I don't see that I could gain anything positive from having a kid. Tremendous amount of work, worry and waste of money. I wouldn't have any time for myself or my wife anymore and my wife, in turn, would be occupied by the kid and his/her needs. I would be merely the one who brings in the money and provides housing so that she can play a mother. The Father Unit.

I consented to the humiliating artificial insemination process only because I love my wife and I can't stand to see her suffering from childlessness. I have doubts that I could have loved that kid. Having an adopted child would be even worse. If we manage to get one, I fear that I'll actually bear a grudge against the poor child. For ruining my marriage, for making our financial situation even worse, for occupying all the free time I have from my work, and so on.

Yet, I can't stand the idea of losing my wife and/or living the rest of our marriage in silent despair and passive-aggressive environment because I refused her only chance to have a child.

So what good are kids for? Please tell me. I so much want to change my mind and see something positive in having a child, but I just don't see it.
ISO

User ID: 26727474
United States
12/03/2012 12:34 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
You don't want kids because you don't know what they're good for.

It would be best to just leave it at that. Looks like there might be a god afterall. Having you reproduce would severely damage the human condition.
Shoot straight Johnny
Yeah...yeah and thrice yeah

User ID: 28993465
United Kingdom
12/03/2012 12:39 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Maybe you shouldn't consent to having a child by any means, whether natural or artificial, if you are not 100% committed to the idea beforehand. A child needs and deserves both parents to love/nurture him/her.
union

The chariots of God are tens of thousands, and thousands of thousands.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25390958
United States
12/03/2012 12:44 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
in THEORY children will be a helpful, ready resource for aid when you are older/old and no longer capable of providing for yourself.
of course it doesnt work out that way much anymore but thats what they were for.
once the gummint ponzi schemes got tits up children not captured and brainwashed by the media will be of some value again
stillhere

User ID: 26842649
United States
12/03/2012 12:44 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I think it is normal for a man not to desire children. For all the reasons you list. It is also normal not to want to get married, for many reasons all talked about here often.

But, when you fall in love that all changes. Suddenly marriage doesn't sound that bad because the thought of living the rest of your life without "her" seems so much worse.

Having a child can't be explained until you have one. It is like having a great puppy only x 1,000.

The love comes with the caring for the child who is dependent on you for 100% of everything. The more you hold, care for, feed, play with....the more you fall in love. A child is magical, they are your hope for the future.

It doesn't matter if the child is yours or not, they have a "light" a glow, their smile and laugh will melt the coldest of hearts. Their innocence, their desire to learn things is intoxication.

The ability to relive all your childhood joys, like Christmas, the Zoo, sports, camping, Disney land?.....all hold a new excitement through the eyes of a child.

Women instinctively know all these things, or they would never want to be pregnant.

Trust your wife, this will add to your lives, and look on the bright side, a pregnant wife is a drag for you and her and leaves permanent damage, (often).

Your fear is normal, millions of men have taken the same path and been rewarded by having their hearts opened up in a way they never regret.
hfhfhf
"You can bend it and twist it... You can misuse and abuse it... But even God cannot change the Truth.”
Michael Levy
sunshine4mealwayz

User ID: 2698905
United States
12/03/2012 12:45 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Its not easy to like a kid you've never met and you never know what you'll get.Hopefully you'll end up with a great kid that makes you laugh,and touches your heart.
You never know, you may grow to be fond of him or her and actually enjoy having him or her around.Could be fun,ya never know.
Could also be your worst nightmare! JMO
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 17418121
Ireland
12/03/2012 12:45 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
If you think you have experienced love with your wife, wait til you have a child. Its the most over whelming feeling of love you will ever feel. Children are not easy but the Joy and pleasure they bring far outweigh any worry etc.

Imagine a new life, a mini you, growing, learning and loving so much your heart feels like it could burst with happiness.

Think about your role as a father as an extension of your marriage. Not a replacement. Do everything together with your new baby.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 5490382
United States
12/03/2012 12:46 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I think it is normal for a man not to desire children. For all the reasons you list. It is also normal not to want to get married, for many reasons all talked about here often.

But, when you fall in love that all changes. Suddenly marriage doesn't sound that bad because the thought of living the rest of your life without "her" seems so much worse.Having a child can't be explained until you have one. It is like having a great puppy only x 1,000.

The love comes with the caring for the child who is dependent on you for 100% of everything. The more you hold, care for, feed, play with....the more you fall in love. A child is magical, they are your hope for the future.

It doesn't matter if the child is yours or not, they have a "light" a glow, their smile and laugh will melt the coldest of hearts. Their innocence, their desire to learn things is intoxication.

The ability to relive all your childhood joys, like Christmas, the Zoo, sports, camping, Disney land?.....all hold a new excitement through the eyes of a child.

Women instinctively know all these things, or they would never want to be pregnant.

Trust your wife, this will add to your lives, and look on the bright side, a pregnant wife is a drag for you and her and leaves permanent damage, (often).

Your fear is normal, millions of men have taken the same path and been rewarded by having their hearts opened up in a way they never regret.
hfhfhf
 Quoting: stillhere


^^^THIS^^^
telling it straight

User ID: 1461054
United States
12/03/2012 12:49 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
You need to be honest with her about your feelings. Part of why she's so desperate to have a kid could be because she thinks she's failing you as a wife by not having one.

Let her know where you're coming from. It will come out one way or another and instead of just hurting her, you could also hurt the child you'd adopt. It will sense your rejection. Come clean now.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 10777372
Finland
12/03/2012 12:52 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
That's tough. I think I sort of know how you feel about children.

My son was an accident. When I first heard my wife (girlfriend, at the time) was pregnant, I almost threw up, put up a brave face, and lied about being glad about it. I seriously considered running away or killing myself. To me, fatherhood had always been equivalent to a disaster, doom and death-sentence to all enjoyable things and freedom in life. I strongly believed that only people who had no ambition or goals in life had children to fill the empty meaningless hours. I thought they were selfish to the extreme: finding purpose in their life by creating life to this shitty world where there was no hope anymore. I'd pity the guys who got their girlfriend pregnant and "got stuck" with her and the kid.

It took about two years to get even used to the kid, but they kind of grow on you. Yes, I love him now, but it took time.
MyAffliction

User ID: 2317943
United States
12/03/2012 12:54 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
You need to be honest with her about your feelings. Part of why she's so desperate to have a kid could be because she thinks she's failing you as a wife by not having one.

Let her know where you're coming from. It will come out one way or another and instead of just hurting her, you could also hurt the child you'd adopt. It will sense your rejection. Come clean now.
 Quoting: telling it straight


This! Your wife also deserves to know otherwise you may hurt 2 people by not being honest now.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25390958
United States
12/03/2012 12:55 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
the good thing about children is that they are the only ones that you train to love or hate you
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 6595530
United States
12/03/2012 12:56 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
did you discuss your plans to have or not have children before you married? i think the choice to have or not have children is a core life goal/value/hope/dream that should most definitely be discussed before entering into a marriage. marrying someone who does not share the same values will absolutely lead to a crisis or two or twenty in the course of married life. it saddens me to hear you speak of children in the way that you do. children are created out of love to be loved.
andawg221

User ID: 28993847
United States
12/03/2012 12:59 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
IF you have the time, and it sounds like you don't.

They are awesome! Mine isn't adopted so maybe its just cool to see a little me.

But it takes a different level of man to raise another man's child.

So maybe have a heart to heart with the wife and express your feelings.

If you hold them in, your headed for divorce or unhappiness anyway.

So might as well express your feeling and concerns.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 24156714
United States
12/03/2012 01:00 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
She just wants what she cant have. If you cant have your own forget it.
Even if you take in a child it will be a little carbon copy of the parents it probably never met. Think about that. Now it's your nightmare. These people on here spewing all this lovie dovie crap must be smoking crack.

You think your marriage is in crisis right now? Throw in a reject or two and know the true meaning of crisis.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 2530630
United States
12/03/2012 01:02 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Did you try donor sperm from a third world? Then it could be half yours.

I think that could maker her preggers
andawg221

User ID: 28993847
United States
12/03/2012 01:05 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
She just wants what she cant have. If you cant have your own forget it.
Even if you take in a child it will be a little carbon copy of the parents it probably never met. Think about that. Now it's your nightmare. These people on here spewing all this lovie dovie crap must be smoking crack.

You think your marriage is in crisis right now? Throw in a reject or two and know the true meaning of crisis.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24156714


This is actually true, said very cruelly... But true.

A family member couldn't have kids so they adopted.

Within a year or two they had filed for divorce. They are doing all the counseling and other bs. But it has definitely been hard on them!
KateSask

User ID: 15170057
12/03/2012 01:07 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Why would she want to adopt a child from a foreign country? I never understood why people do this to begin with, are there not babies in the USA?

If you don't want a child OP, you better tell her, didn't you discuss this issue before you got married? You should have if you didn't.
.


Candle Lake, CANADA in Pictures ~ [link to www.dennischamberlain.com]
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28994861
United Kingdom
12/03/2012 01:07 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Wife can't bear children of her own. We've tried the traditional way and we've tried artificial insemination. It's no go. Now she is desperate to adopt a kid from a third world country. I can't stand the idea.

I've never wanted kids - I don't know what good they're for. I don't see that I could gain anything positive from having a kid. Tremendous amount of work, worry and waste of money. I wouldn't have any time for myself or my wife anymore and my wife, in turn, would be occupied by the kid and his/her needs. I would be merely the one who brings in the money and provides housing so that she can play a mother. The Father Unit.

I consented to the humiliating artificial insemination process only because I love my wife and I can't stand to see her suffering from childlessness. I have doubts that I could have loved that kid. Having an adopted child would be even worse. If we manage to get one, I fear that I'll actually bear a grudge against the poor child. For ruining my marriage, for making our financial situation even worse, for occupying all the free time I have from my work, and so on.

Yet, I can't stand the idea of losing my wife and/or living the rest of our marriage in silent despair and passive-aggressive environment because I refused her only chance to have a child.

So what good are kids for? Please tell me. I so much want to change my mind and see something positive in having a child, but I just don't see it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15477129
peace

Hey OP..... why try for kids...when you know you do not want any?.....That is selfish!..... Maybe you should tell your wife the truth about how you feel and let her be....

What good are kids for?....Is a blessing you will never enjoy.... because having a kid whether biological or adopted or cared for is the 'GOOD'.... hf
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28071438
United States
12/03/2012 01:09 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
OP

Why don't you just enjoy each other and work on your marriage?

Why do you want kids?

This is a pretty shitty world and by the looks of things;

it will be VERY bad place to live in by the time that kid is in his or her 20s.

Adopt a child if you have a need to raise a kid

Personally, I don't see the need to have kids in this world

I am a woman as well.

I made a decision at 18 never to have kids

AT 49, I know it was a great decision


Life is hard; why complicate it with a child?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 26071568
Canada
12/03/2012 01:11 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Wife can't bear children of her own. We've tried the traditional way and we've tried artificial insemination. It's no go. Now she is desperate to adopt a kid from a third world country. I can't stand the idea.

I've never wanted kids - I don't know what good they're for. I don't see that I could gain anything positive from having a kid. Tremendous amount of work, worry and waste of money. I wouldn't have any time for myself or my wife anymore and my wife, in turn, would be occupied by the kid and his/her needs. I would be merely the one who brings in the money and provides housing so that she can play a mother. The Father Unit.

I consented to the humiliating artificial insemination process only because I love my wife and I can't stand to see her suffering from childlessness. I have doubts that I could have loved that kid. Having an adopted child would be even worse. If we manage to get one, I fear that I'll actually bear a grudge against the poor child. For ruining my marriage, for making our financial situation even worse, for occupying all the free time I have from my work, and so on.

Yet, I can't stand the idea of losing my wife and/or living the rest of our marriage in silent despair and passive-aggressive environment because I refused her only chance to have a child.

So what good are kids for? Please tell me. I so much want to change my mind and see something positive in having a child, but I just don't see it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15477129


isnt there a procedure where you can take her egg and your sperm and use another woman? I can't remember wth its called but I remember my brothers wife she said she would do it for her friend who had the same problem.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28071438
United States
12/03/2012 01:13 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
OP

Just a piece of advice>

if this marriage ends in divorce and at some point you remarry,

WORK this important detail OUT FIRST before marriage.


People just into marriage too soon before realizing they have some

very different goals in life
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28071438
United States
12/03/2012 01:14 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
OP

Just a piece of advice>

if this marriage ends in divorce and at some point you remarry,

WORK this important detail OUT FIRST before marriage.


People jump into marriage too soon before realizing they have some

very different goals in life
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 28071438
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 11963746
United States
12/03/2012 01:15 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I think it is normal for a man not to desire children. For all the reasons you list. It is also normal not to want to get married, for many reasons all talked about here often.

But, when you fall in love that all changes. Suddenly marriage doesn't sound that bad because the thought of living the rest of your life without "her" seems so much worse.

Having a child can't be explained until you have one. It is like having a great puppy only x 1,000.

The love comes with the caring for the child who is dependent on you for 100% of everything. The more you hold, care for, feed, play with....the more you fall in love. A child is magical, they are your hope for the future.

It doesn't matter if the child is yours or not, they have a "light" a glow, their smile and laugh will melt the coldest of hearts. Their innocence, their desire to learn things is intoxication.

The ability to relive all your childhood joys, like Christmas, the Zoo, sports, camping, Disney land?.....all hold a new excitement through the eyes of a child.

Women instinctively know all these things, or they would never want to be pregnant.

Trust your wife, this will add to your lives, and look on the bright side, a pregnant wife is a drag for you and her and leaves permanent damage, (often).

Your fear is normal, millions of men have taken the same path and been rewarded by having their hearts opened up in a way they never regret.
hfhfhf
 Quoting: stillhere


Did you read anything he wrote? Your response is from a typical womans position. His is an honest man's position.

He does not like kids.

He needs to divorce his wife before she figures out how to comply with her biological imperative.
Sloane

User ID: 27108958
United States
12/03/2012 01:17 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Well I don't know you OP but I have to say that I have several male friends who felt EXACTLY the same way you describe. But in their early forties gave in so their wives would be happy. And they ALL completely fell in love with their kids!

It's so much fun to tease them about it now - and they just can't beleive they ever felt that way.

Children just bring so much unexpected joy into your life.

kidlaugh
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 470605
United States
12/03/2012 01:17 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
If you think you have experienced love with your wife, wait til you have a child. Its the most over whelming feeling of love you will ever feel. Children are not easy but the Joy and pleasure they bring far outweigh any worry etc.

Imagine a new life, a mini you, growing, learning and loving so much your heart feels like it could burst with happiness.

Think about your role as a father as an extension of your marriage. Not a replacement. Do everything together with your new baby.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17418121


Your kids have not reached the TEENS yet eh? ha!

Agree with you up until they are slamming doors and fraeking out about some very minor issue and it feels like the house is exploding with over emotional teenage hormones!

ha!
joe mamma

User ID: 8383650
United States
12/03/2012 01:19 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
DIVORCE NOW

Before she adopts a child. You are legally obligated to support said child at the threat of men with guns coming to throw you in a cage if you disobey a court ordered child support payment.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28071438
United States
12/03/2012 01:20 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I think it is normal for a man not to desire children. For all the reasons you list. It is also normal not to want to get married, for many reasons all talked about here often.

But, when you fall in love that all changes. Suddenly marriage doesn't sound that bad because the thought of living the rest of your life without "her" seems so much worse.

Having a child can't be explained until you have one. It is like having a great puppy only x 1,000.

The love comes with the caring for the child who is dependent on you for 100% of everything. The more you hold, care for, feed, play with....the more you fall in love. A child is magical, they are your hope for the future.

It doesn't matter if the child is yours or not, they have a "light" a glow, their smile and laugh will melt the coldest of hearts. Their innocence, their desire to learn things is intoxication.

The ability to relive all your childhood joys, like Christmas, the Zoo, sports, camping, Disney land?.....all hold a new excitement through the eyes of a child.

Women instinctively know all these things, or they would never want to be pregnant.

Trust your wife, this will add to your lives, and look on the bright side, a pregnant wife is a drag for you and her and leaves permanent damage, (often).

Your fear is normal, millions of men have taken the same path and been rewarded by having their hearts opened up in a way they never regret.
hfhfhf
 Quoting: stillhere


Did you read anything he wrote? Your response is from a typical womans position. His is an honest man's position.

He does not like kids.

He needs to divorce his wife before she figures out how to comply with her biological imperative.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 11963746

Why didn't they work this important detail out BEFORE marriage??

This is what dating is for; to find out compatability


If people have the same goals in life.


Obviously, they married and didn't talk these issues out.

Stupid is as stupid does....
KateSask

User ID: 15170057
12/03/2012 01:22 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
DIVORCE NOW

Before she adopts a child. You are legally obligated to support said child at the threat of men with guns coming to throw you in a cage if you disobey a court ordered child support payment.
 Quoting: joe mamma


You make it sounds like it's her fault that she wants to become a mother, to me it's his fault for not telling her this before he married her.
.


Candle Lake, CANADA in Pictures ~ [link to www.dennischamberlain.com]
Mickeyblue
User ID: 9806228
United States
12/03/2012 01:22 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
What good are the kids??

In your most particular case a child would provide you with the opportunity for being head of a family. It would put you in a position of growth as a human being. It would no longer be you who is the center of the universe and place the needs of your child above all else. I think you realize that , not in any of the positive terms, only the terms of taking away from you the things you think are yours to claim exclusively.

You married and unless you wsere up front from the beginning that family would not include children, then you are departing from what she believed.

I think before anything is done you both need counselling.

It will not be the child that is taking your position away from you, it will be fulfilling a head of household responsibility and privilege that does it. It is natural and desirable that this happens, usually desired by both spouses.


Just my opinion.
BRIEF
Rebel with morals

User ID: 381742
United States
12/03/2012 01:23 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
OP, you are too selfish to have a child...just tell your wife you are a selfish prick and don't want to adopt some third world reject kid...
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
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