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My marriage is in crisis

 
TheBiss
Food Dude

User ID: 25023924
United States
12/03/2012 01:23 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
OP, I didn't like the fruit of my own loins until they hit about 4-5 years old. Babies are nasty, stinky smelly, loud, and disgusting. My oldest now is 15 and my youngest is 10 and I love the living daylights out of them.

Maybe you could consider giving it a test run by becoming foster parents first.
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joe mamma

User ID: 8383650
United States
12/03/2012 01:26 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
DIVORCE NOW

Before she adopts a child. You are legally obligated to support said child at the threat of men with guns coming to throw you in a cage if you disobey a court ordered child support payment.
 Quoting: joe mamma


You make it sounds like it's her fault that she wants to become a mother, to me it's his fault for not telling her this before he married her.
 Quoting: KateSask



nope - you're looking into things and making false conclusions. Fact is he doesn't even want kids of his own. Why does he need to have other person's children? And then be forced to support them?


Anyways, if you want to know why people adopt in foreign lands, it's because of the government restrictions put in place domestically. much easier to adopt children from a foreign land.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28786416
United States
12/03/2012 01:27 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I gave everything that I could to my two sons. I worked days, nights and evenings to give them all that I could. Now one 30+ son barely speaks to me for reasons that I am completely unaware of. The other I support because he has no interest in getting a job.
I love them both beyond measure, but it's painful.
andawg221

User ID: 28993847
United States
12/03/2012 01:31 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I gave everything that I could to my two sons. I worked days, nights and evenings to give them all that I could. Now one 30+ son barely speaks to me for reasons that I am completely unaware of. The other I support because he has no interest in getting a job.
I love them both beyond measure, but it's painful.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 28786416


No idea why your son doesn't talk to you? That kinda answers itself!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28993443
United States
12/03/2012 01:31 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Wife can't bear children of her own. We've tried the traditional way and we've tried artificial insemination. It's no go. Now she is desperate to adopt a kid from a third world country. I can't stand the idea.

I've never wanted kids - I don't know what good they're for. I don't see that I could gain anything positive from having a kid. Tremendous amount of work, worry and waste of money. I wouldn't have any time for myself or my wife anymore and my wife, in turn, would be occupied by the kid and his/her needs. I would be merely the one who brings in the money and provides housing so that she can play a mother. The Father Unit.

I consented to the humiliating artificial insemination process only because I love my wife and I can't stand to see her suffering from childlessness. I have doubts that I could have loved that kid. Having an adopted child would be even worse. If we manage to get one, I fear that I'll actually bear a grudge against the poor child. For ruining my marriage, for making our financial situation even worse, for occupying all the free time I have from my work, and so on.

Yet, I can't stand the idea of losing my wife and/or living the rest of our marriage in silent despair and passive-aggressive environment because I refused her only chance to have a child.

So what good are kids for? Please tell me. I so much want to change my mind and see something positive in having a child, but I just don't see it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15477129


You should be honest with her. you sound like my once husband, things didn't get better after the child, he was worse, jealous and resented not having all the attention.
You are still a child yourself , my guess and 2 cents.
A man can not force himself to be a father. you have to want it. I think some men aren't capable of love except for themselves.
nibiflex

User ID: 28995907
United Kingdom
12/03/2012 01:37 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
After reading what you wrote i think you not having children would be a really good idea ,but i also think your wife having children might be a good idea without you in the picture ,you sound like a self obsessed prig ,who will probably lose their wife anyway unless you change your opinion of your self and wife
When the seventh seal is opened, I will deliver terrible punishments upon the earth because of disobedience. This punishment will be so severe that it will decimate huge populations ....eekerstard also
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 2231364
Canada
12/03/2012 01:39 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
It takes a real man to guide, teach and model manhood for a child so that they will grow up to be the right kind of person -- strong, independent and morally grounded.

But real men are becoming a rare commodity today. More and more are nothing more than selfish man-boys who want to follow their own selfish desires.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are a man-boy. Sad. But your wife deserves a real man.
KateSask

User ID: 15170057
12/03/2012 01:42 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
It takes a real man to guide, teach and model manhood for a child so that they will grow up to be the right kind of person -- strong, independent and morally grounded.

But real men are becoming a rare commodity today. More and more are nothing more than selfish man-boys who want to follow their own selfish desires.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are a man-boy. Sad. But your wife deserves a real man.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 2231364


^^^^^ he probably doesn't want to share his video games. LOL
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DachshundsRule70
Lyme Sucks!

User ID: 27875857
United States
12/03/2012 01:48 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I think each one of us have paths to take and sometimes they are different from others. Not everyone has to be a parent. My hubby and I choose not to have kids. Is it right for everyone? No but it was and is the right choice for us. Does that mean we are selfish? No means we are smart doing what is right for us. I have always thought if you couldn't have a kid the natural way then something, God, universe or whatever is telling you its not right for you. So many people can't seem to accept it when they want it so badly.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 7549281
United States
12/03/2012 02:02 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
You need to be honest with her about your feelings. Part of why she's so desperate to have a kid could be because she thinks she's failing you as a wife by not having one.

Let her know where you're coming from. It will come out one way or another and instead of just hurting her, you could also hurt the child you'd adopt. It will sense your rejection. Come clean now.
 Quoting: telling it straight


This! Your wife also deserves to know otherwise you may hurt 2 people by not being honest now.
 Quoting: MyAffliction


This....it is very hard for women to accept the fact that our body will not do what we want. If and when she accepts expect all signs of a death. It is .... support her and you will get thru it one way or another.

hf
Prostetnik

User ID: 1447142
Canada
12/03/2012 02:02 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Maybe you shouldn't consent to having a child by any means, whether natural or artificial, if you are not 100% committed to the idea beforehand. A child needs and deserves both parents to love/nurture him/her.
 Quoting: Shoot straight Johnny


hf This
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 26555133
United States
12/03/2012 02:24 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
crazy as it sounds I had 2 kids and changed my mind and adopted them out. 10 years later had an oops and kept the baby, big mistake some people are not cut out for it!
Lilac.Nights

User ID: 16458863
United States
12/03/2012 02:37 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
crazy as it sounds I had 2 kids and changed my mind and adopted them out. 10 years later had an oops and kept the baby, big mistake some people are not cut out for it!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26555133


It doesn't sound crazy, this is disgusting!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1218376
Denmark
12/03/2012 02:41 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Why not adopt a Western kid, why a 3rd world.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27508289
Saudi Arabia
12/03/2012 02:59 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
You should get divorced immediately so that your wife can pursue her needs and you can pursue yours.
I don't know where all these loving people on here come from, but such people have been extremely rare in my life. Most people are retarded, psychopathic, greedy, murderous. If you think a child is cute like a puppy, you are totally alien to me. I was never young enough or mindless enough to feel that way.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 26555133
United States
12/03/2012 03:07 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
crazy as it sounds I had 2 kids and changed my mind and adopted them out. 10 years later had an oops and kept the baby, big mistake some people are not cut out for it!
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26555133


It doesn't sound crazy, this is disgusting!
 Quoting: Lilac.Nights


eh..not really. When I had my last child I had a tubal. Do you think adoption is disgusting? WTF WAS Your POINT?
Carshy McCarsh

User ID: 28994476
United States
12/03/2012 03:14 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
OP should not reproduce.
We have met and exceeded our self-absorbed assholes quota already.

baby
Tell me what this tastes like...
Nexus-9

User ID: 1368022
United States
12/03/2012 03:23 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
If you can afford it you can try having a surrogate have your child. The egg and sperm are from the parent but the child is carried to term by another female.

As for the angst of having a kid. It's that first smile at you that gets ya, first coo, first words, first walk. After a while, you try to do the best for that little kid, giving him or her the best at life's chances.

Good luck!
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Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20995241
United States
12/03/2012 04:08 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Women get psycho about kids so you can't listen to her. Her logic is skewed.

If you don't want kids then DEFINITELY DO NOT ADOPT. Having a kid means sacrificing your life. If you aren't fully willing to make that sacrifice then do not do it. Period. It is unfair to the kid.

If your wife is that psychotic about getting a kid she will undoubtedly form an alliance with that child AGAINST you. Hear me now and believe me later.

If she won't let it go, then kick her ass to the curb. Regardless of how much you "value" your marriage. If she can't listen to logic and reason then it means she is broken. Trade her in.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1838033
Ireland
12/03/2012 04:13 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
u r 1 selfish miserable fuck . u were 1ce a kid u ashole. think about it!
benjamin w

User ID: 11424957
United States
12/03/2012 04:16 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
adopt a dog instead ,you wont be sorry.
nobody really
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 14385938
United States
12/03/2012 04:19 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
You get out of kids what you put into them, with a little twist. So if you're an egotisical asshole, you're going to have little jerks for kids. Please don't.

But if you give them lots of love and kindness, you get that back.

I have three fantastic kids. Well, two are nearly thirty and the other is in fifth grade. I wouldn't enjoy this earth one quarter as much without them. But so many folks do not have the capability to develop another healthy human being.

So go ahead and adopt a kiddo. Then leave your wife as quickly as possible and let her raise the child. I bet she'd do a great job of it, if you weren't in the picture.
Mister ObviousModerator
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12/03/2012 04:19 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I'm a female I don't see any use for kids either...


I don't want any and there's absolutely nothing within me that has ever had the desire to reproduce, ever.


I can't ever see me wanting children. Ever.


So just be honest with your wife. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't in this situation man...


Best to air it all now... no matter what.
lupa14714

User ID: 23350068
United Kingdom
12/03/2012 04:28 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
i've no idea how easy it maybe to adopt abroad,but here they interview every tiny detail,they'd know you don't want one unless your a great actor.
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Anonymous Coward
User ID: 15515569
Netherlands
12/03/2012 04:40 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Stop bashing the OP so much.

The OP simply isnt ready to have kids, and because of that he sees having kids as something negative. And in his situation he is correct because he isnt ready for them.

So go on with your life and one day you may be ready for them. And dont get kids before that time.
pink cat

User ID: 28454161
United States
12/03/2012 04:49 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I'm a female I don't see any use for kids either...


I don't want any and there's absolutely nothing within me that has ever had the desire to reproduce, ever.


I can't ever see me wanting children. Ever.


So just be honest with your wife. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't in this situation man...


Best to air it all now... no matter what.
 Quoting: Mister Obvious


i thought the exact same thing all my life.
and then i met my husband at age 40 and had 3 babies!

crazy!

i would have never thunk it in a million years.

it takes being with the right person, i guess!

there isn't anyone up until then i would have trusted to be the father of my children.

that's probably one of the reasons i didn't want any.

also, i do not feel like i lost out on anything because i got my 20s and 30s to do whatever i wanted to do.

so even tho the kids take up most of my time i don't feel like i am missing out.

and it really IS quite the amazing experience

but yes, not for everyone, clearly :)
+++ with a bunny hat +++
pink cat

User ID: 28454161
United States
12/03/2012 04:49 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I'm a female I don't see any use for kids either...


I don't want any and there's absolutely nothing within me that has ever had the desire to reproduce, ever.


I can't ever see me wanting children. Ever.


So just be honest with your wife. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't in this situation man...


Best to air it all now... no matter what.
 Quoting: Mister Obvious


i thought the exact same thing all my life.
and then i met my husband at age 40 and had 3 babies!

crazy!

i would have never thunk it in a million years.

it takes being with the right person, i guess!

there isn't anyone up until then i would have trusted to be the father of my children.

that's probably one of the reasons i didn't want any.

also, i do not feel like i lost out on anything because i got my 20s and 30s to do whatever i wanted to do.

so even tho the kids take up most of my time i don't feel like i am missing out.

and it really IS quite the amazing experience

but yes, not for everyone, clearly :)
+++ with a bunny hat +++
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 4714791
United States
12/03/2012 04:53 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Become foster parents first. The state picks up a lot of the expenses and if you get attached to one or more, maybe you can adopt them.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20566260
United States
12/03/2012 04:53 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
They get you the remote.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 4545733
United States
12/03/2012 04:53 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I gave everything that I could to my two sons. I worked days, nights and evenings to give them all that I could. Now one 30+ son barely speaks to me for reasons that I am completely unaware of. The other I support because he has no interest in getting a job.
I love them both beyond measure, but it's painful.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 28786416



I, too, have experienced a breaking heart because after a divorce which I had not desired took place, and after 30 years I ended up with zero. Nada. Even our beautiful house was mortgaged to the limit and my ex had hidden all funds in a secret corporation. In other words, my sons knew who had the money and it wasn't me.

I have reached this conclusion because it's the only one that makes sense. I love my sons more than I ever thought possible, but they have no interest in me or my well being.

Children just grow up to break your heart.

It happens more than most are willing to talk about. I feel shame that somehow my sons never learned to love or show compassion.

There's nothing wrong with you that you don't desire children. And nothing wrong with her either. But with all the complications that come with marriage you could easily be heading for a brick wall.

If you're standing in the way of her being a mother, then step aside and allow her opportunity to either do this alone or find another man who loves children as much as she does.

I wish both of you well and that you never regret whatever decision you make.
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