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My marriage is in crisis

 
Earth Daughter

User ID: 28948241
United States
12/03/2012 04:53 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Most men I've known weren't excited about having children until they actually had one. Then they're jumping around with joy, holding their new baby, bragging to everyone they know.
"Arrows of hate have been shot at me too, but they never hit me, because somehow they belonged to another world, with which I have no connection whatsoever." - Albert Einstein
pink cat

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12/03/2012 04:58 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Thread: Two Gay Dads find out they're going to be Grandpas! Priceless Reactions!



[link to youtu.be]

these men are more of a man than you will ever be.
because at least these people are not lying cowards because they are afraid to be alone.

they live their life in an open way.
it may not be a way you approve of. but it's least it's not dishonest and cowardly.
+++ with a bunny hat +++
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1378269
New Zealand
12/03/2012 05:00 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
have fun dying old and alone OP, you do realise kids grow up into adult? and then they have kids...grandchildren, family/ etc.

ask ANY old person what matters in life to them and they without a doubt will say "family"

kids = a waste of money? you got to be fucking kidding us, what is it that so important you already spend your money on?

internet? sky tv? toys?


LOL you sound like a grade A douchebag & see your marrage failing very soon. your wife sure picked a loser
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28867210
United States
12/03/2012 05:09 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
there was a very short window of time when I thought I wanted kids, mostly because I thought that was the next step in being married and everyone else was doing it, and you have to keep up with the Joneses. I know my husband would have made a great father, I, however, would not have made such a great mother. I am way too selfish with my own needs, I love having a fit body and and like having all the free time I have to be with my husband and not be running around ragged dealing with kids...I am so glad I know this about myself and now, in our 40's we live like 20 somethings, carefree and very little stress about money or lack of due to kids and the high cost of having them. We travel, have sex whenever we want and still look 10-15 years younger than we really are. When I look at the friends and family that have kids, I see nothing but worry, frustration and parents living vicariously through their kids because their life was cut short with the responsibility of parenthood and now they want their kids to achieve their dreams (sports, college, etc...). Yes, I see joy at times, but mostly I see tired, worried parents who have become like ships passing through the night all in the name of making sure the kiddos are taken care of and have every new pricey gadget that comes out. Right now I am planning a summer 2013 vacation in Europe with the hubby for 3 weeks. My friends do get envious at times that they cannot just drop what they are doing and get on a plane to go do something fun. I travel on business with my husband often, something I could not do if we had kids. I do what I want, when I want. If you are somewhat of a free spirit, having children is a big damper to your lifestyle.

Not having kids was the best decision I ever made for me and it has made us closer, I believe. Communication is key. He was not 100% sure he wanted kids either. If either person is not 100% sure then you should not have kids. A child deserves to be wanted by both parents.

20+ years married and still we have so mush to see and do in this world. As for kids... if its meant to be, it will be. Forcing it probably means it was not meant to be.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28384279
United Kingdom
12/03/2012 05:12 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
OP, you obviously hate children, and it seems difficult for you to start loving one who isn't even yours. If you must have a child, why not try artificial insemination with a donor mom or some shit like that? At least that child will be yours, and so you will have to love him.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28867210
United States
12/03/2012 05:17 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Most men I've known weren't excited about having children until they actually had one. Then they're jumping around with joy, holding their new baby, bragging to everyone they know.
 Quoting: Earth Daughter


^^true^^

The problem is women want it all, the job, the kids, the husband. Once you start having kids its even more crucial to make sure you take care of yourself, exercise and wear pretty clothes. Women have children and a few years later look years older than their husbands because they gain weight and let themselves go. Then they wonder why the husband is cheating.

if you are going to have kids you need to be a stay at home mom and make sure you are taking good care of yourself so you can take care of everyone else. Trying to do it all will only result in failure in either the kids' behavior or neglect of the husband's needs.

Always need to keep the husband's needs first, then kids' needs and then if you have a job, the responsibilities of that... otherwise your home will be a mess. Working outside of the home will ruin what you hold so dear to yourself in the first place, the husband and the children. Just have to make sure your priorities are in order.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21666560
United States
12/03/2012 05:21 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
isnt there a procedure where you can take her egg and your sperm and use another woman? I can't remember wth its called but I remember my brothers wife she said she would do it for her friend who had the same problem.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26071568


It's called surrogacy.
Carshy McCarsh

User ID: 1531528
Germany
12/03/2012 05:31 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
They get you the remote.
 Quoting: J-Honey


cruise

/thread
Tell me what this tastes like...
Carshy McCarsh

User ID: 1531528
Germany
12/03/2012 05:31 PM
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putin
Tell me what this tastes like...
Ozie Dude
User ID: 28946979
Australia
12/03/2012 05:43 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
My wife of 17 years recently left me. We have 3 children together. I am not bitter anymore because I understand nothing is forever.
My advice to you is talk to her. If it is not resolvable then leave. Dont make concesions that you cannot live with. Nothing wrong with not wanting children in your life. There are those that make up for your lack of parental instict. In saying that most people grow into the role of parenting.
Peace to you and good luck. I pray so that you are shown all you need to see.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 22054163
United States
12/03/2012 05:57 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I have to consider what it would be like to have my spouse force me to have a baby when I did not want to...then raise it.

It really is not a place I would ever have wanted to be put into.

That is like demanding something that really should be wanted by the one you are trying to get it from by demand.

It is hard to demand certain things that should come naturally from some one.

I have had one close person who married and her husband was sterile she did not know this of course neither did he.

But she chose him over leaving his for a child of her own instead.

In the end they wound up taking in her sister children and raising them as their own from very little up.

I do no think they would have don this if they had of had a house full of their own.

The sisters children I have no idea where they would have wound up.

I to this day believe that his being sterile was long seen before the orphans were even born.

They even knew him as Dad their only Dad...and they loved him until he died.

He was a blessing in disguise he never even noticed he was...the man never even saw it that way.

I can not imagine what his arrival though the gates of heaven would have been like.
He would have surely been surprised.

He was a good fellow.

They still love him and keep him in their homes in photos and minds even dream about him still.

They called him the giant from Bunker Hill....he was so massive like a giant.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 4613981
United States
12/03/2012 05:58 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
There are option op. I had a hysterectomy because of cancer 4 weeks before my wedding. We knew there were options. My little sister offered to be a surrogate for us. I still had my ovaries after surgery.Very long story short, I was placed on fetility drugs and then my sister carried my biological ( and hubby's) baby. =) Eighteen years later...... He's a man and going to college in the summer. There are amazing things our Docs can do. Dont give up, if its Gods will he will see you thru it . GL and GB
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 4613981
United States
12/03/2012 06:06 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
isnt there a procedure where you can take her egg and your sperm and use another woman? I can't remember wth its called but I remember my brothers wife she said she would do it for her friend who had the same problem.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26071568


It's called surrogacy.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 21666560


Surrogate host . Had ours at University Hospital Cleveland, Ohio. One of the best in the U.S. =)
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 2424500
United States
12/03/2012 06:07 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Some women marry men they love, regardless of children. Some women want children and seek a man/husband to complete that.

Question is, what kind of woman is your wife?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 4613981
United States
12/03/2012 06:29 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
isnt there a procedure where you can take her egg and your sperm and use another woman? I can't remember wth its called but I remember my brothers wife she said she would do it for her friend who had the same problem.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26071568


It's called surrogacy.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 21666560


Surrogate host . Had ours at University Hospital Cleveland, Ohio. One of the best in the U.S. =)
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 4613981


This way it can be biologically both of yours.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28105140
United States
12/03/2012 06:33 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
It takes a real man to guide, teach and model manhood for a child so that they will grow up to be the right kind of person -- strong, independent and morally grounded.

But real men are becoming a rare commodity today. More and more are nothing more than selfish man-boys who want to follow their own selfish desires.

Unfortunately it sounds like you are a man-boy. Sad. But your wife deserves a real man.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 2231364


Not for nothing, but how do you know? The wife could be a total jerk as well. You act like you know them. You don't.

I do agree they should not have kids though, it would be a huge mistake.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29002503
Germany
12/03/2012 06:47 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Kids?!

now?!

not!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 9788321
United States
12/03/2012 06:51 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Why wasn't this shit discussed before you got married?

Wanting kids is a pretty fundamental variable.

Unlike that Yosemite Sam dude, I don't think you're a selfish prick for not wanting kids, but I do think you're a dumb fuck for getting married without understanding what you actually want out of said marriage.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 9788321
United States
12/03/2012 06:53 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I've broken it off with a couple great potential moms simply because I'm not sure if I want kids.

Even though I love kids I'm leaning towards no, because this world is just too fucked up to bring kids into it in good conscience.
Floobarb the Argnorf

User ID: 26218433
United States
12/03/2012 06:58 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
OP. Trust your gut and be honest with yourself and your wife. She has to respect your wishes too. Yes you don't want to loose your wife, but you also don't want to sentence your future to unhappiness.
You did your part, you tried, you went the AI route (well there is still the IVF route but expensive) but you are allowed to have limits as well.
Don't go along with it in the hopes that you'll change your mind and be happy about it later, because you are who you are and you probably wont be happy about it later.
Tough call man. Good luck.
The Aluminated One
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29002503
Germany
12/03/2012 07:07 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Why wasn't this shit discussed before you got married?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 9788321



they normally dont do that
tuuuuur

User ID: 29004092
Germany
12/03/2012 07:11 PM

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Re: My marriage is in crisis
OP, you are too selfish to have a child...just tell your wife you are a selfish prick and don't want to adopt some third world reject kid...
 Quoting: BRIEF


For once I agree with Brief. Don't adopt a 3rd world kid. It won't fit in.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29002503
Germany
12/03/2012 07:20 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
just heard the pope has some twitter feeds going on

@pontifix


hm..
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29002503
Germany
12/03/2012 07:23 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
or this

#pontifix
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 5542489
United States
12/03/2012 07:52 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
OP. Trust your gut and be honest with yourself and your wife. She has to respect your wishes too. Yes you don't want to loose your wife, but you also don't want to sentence your future to unhappiness.
You did your part, you tried, you went the AI route (well there is still the IVF route but expensive) but you are allowed to have limits as well.
Don't go along with it in the hopes that you'll change your mind and be happy about it later, because you are who you are and you probably wont be happy about it later.
Tough call man. Good luck.
 Quoting: Floobarb the Argnorf


Yes, there is a limit to how far one must sacrifice in a marriage. I married young and my then-husband assured me he wanted 3 or 4 kids, for me to be a stay-at-home mom -- he lied, flat out, tellinf me what I wanted to hear. After the first baby he had a vasectomy at age 21 without even telling me. I couldn't believe the doctor would do that but husband lied to the doc and said he was single and had some genetic disease. He was a terrible father, never changed a diaper, left at 2 am to go to other women's houses when the baby was up crying or sick all night. By the time I divorced him he had given me a gynecologic infection (from one of his skanks) that rendered me infertile.

If the SOB had been honest from the start and said he didn't want kids we would have never married and both been saved a lot of grief. He did not give me that option by deceiving me about his real feelings.

Please, for the sake of your wife and future children, be honest with her and let her go find a man who is more suited to her needs. This will free you to find a woman more suited to yours as well. Everybody wins.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28105140
United States
12/03/2012 08:00 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
have fun dying old and alone OP, you do realise kids grow up into adult? and then they have kids...grandchildren, family/ etc.

ask ANY old person what matters in life to them and they without a doubt will say "family"

kids = a waste of money? you got to be fucking kidding us, what is it that so important you already spend your money on?

internet? sky tv? toys?


LOL you sound like a grade A douchebag & see your marrage failing very soon. your wife sure picked a loser
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1378269


You should not have children with the idea that they will care for you/keep you company/etc in old age. They will have their own lives, and you need to have yours too...even into old age. This includes socially having your act together so your kids don't feel "responsible" for entertaining you/etc. and also financially so you are not sponging off of them.

Having children should be an act of love, altruistic in nature, and done for the sake of showing your bond/love for your spouse. Children are NOT responsible for their parents. If parents have been good, the children will naturally be involved in the parents' lives. But people who have kids to take care of them when they are old/live through the kids/sponge off the kids should be disowned anyway.

Parenthood should NOT be a self-interested thing.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 10120705
United States
12/03/2012 08:10 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Wife can't bear children of her own. We've tried the traditional way and we've tried artificial insemination. It's no go. Now she is desperate to adopt a kid from a third world country. I can't stand the idea.

I've never wanted kids - I don't know what good they're for. I don't see that I could gain anything positive from having a kid. Tremendous amount of work, worry and waste of money. I wouldn't have any time for myself or my wife anymore and my wife, in turn, would be occupied by the kid and his/her needs. I would be merely the one who brings in the money and provides housing so that she can play a mother. The Father Unit.

I consented to the humiliating artificial insemination process only because I love my wife and I can't stand to see her suffering from childlessness. I have doubts that I could have loved that kid. Having an adopted child would be even worse. If we manage to get one, I fear that I'll actually bear a grudge against the poor child. For ruining my marriage, for making our financial situation even worse, for occupying all the free time I have from my work, and so on.

Yet, I can't stand the idea of losing my wife and/or living the rest of our marriage in silent despair and passive-aggressive environment because I refused her only chance to have a child.

So what good are kids for? Please tell me. I so much want to change my mind and see something positive in having a child, but I just don't see it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15477129


Several points here:
1. Where this world is headed, only a person who is really selfish to have the privilege of raising a child without regard to what that child will suffer in the coming years would think about bringing a child into this world. In the next 1-2 years, many people who yearned to have children will seriously regret it due to events out of their control.

2. It would be better to adopt a child who is already here due to someone else's lack of foresight. They still need help. It is a real lottery on how it turns out.

3. You can't get over you. Your wife's longings are very important and not a bad thing. If she knew as I do how bad things will get in the world in the next few years, any regard for the suffering of a child would have her thankful she did not bring one into this world. Adopting a baby would be a good thing for her and the children are already here. Many adoptions turn into a really beautiful thing. But, if you cannot get over your selfishness to help her with her natural longings in maternal instinct and help another child, then you are the main one instigating a marriage crisis. Get over yourself.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1405576
United States
12/03/2012 08:24 PM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
Wife can't bear children of her own. We've tried the traditional way and we've tried artificial insemination. It's no go. Now she is desperate to adopt a kid from a third world country. I can't stand the idea.

I've never wanted kids - I don't know what good they're for. I don't see that I could gain anything positive from having a kid. Tremendous amount of work, worry and waste of money. I wouldn't have any time for myself or my wife anymore and my wife, in turn, would be occupied by the kid and his/her needs. I would be merely the one who brings in the money and provides housing so that she can play a mother. The Father Unit.

I consented to the humiliating artificial insemination process only because I love my wife and I can't stand to see her suffering from childlessness. I have doubts that I could have loved that kid. Having an adopted child would be even worse. If we manage to get one, I fear that I'll actually bear a grudge against the poor child. For ruining my marriage, for making our financial situation even worse, for occupying all the free time I have from my work, and so on.

Yet, I can't stand the idea of losing my wife and/or living the rest of our marriage in silent despair and passive-aggressive environment because I refused her only chance to have a child.

So what good are kids for? Please tell me. I so much want to change my mind and see something positive in having a child, but I just don't see it.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 15477129


I wasn't a "kid" person, most kids still irritate me. However, I wanted children and I love my kids like nothing else in this world. Kids are the most incredible experience, though very time consuming, scary, exhausting, etc, but also the most fulfilling. Since you already agreed to try the other way, why the suddenly brakes when it comes to adoption? You either need to be very honest with her and risk losing her, or agree. BUT, if you agree to it, you MUST do it with an open mind and heart and try and be the best parent you can. If you two adopt and you are an absent father, you think she will resent you for not having kids, adopting a kid and resenting her for it will DOOM your marriage. You must be totally honest with your hesistation. The fact that you haven't, makes me wonder what else do you hide so you can "keep" her. She has a right to know how you feel, it may change her mind about the child or about you.
andawg221

User ID: 29058176
United States
12/04/2012 06:58 AM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
I'm a female I don't see any use for kids either...


I don't want any and there's absolutely nothing within me that has ever had the desire to reproduce, ever.


I can't ever see me wanting children. Ever.


So just be honest with your wife. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't in this situation man...


Best to air it all now... no matter what.
 Quoting: Mister Obvious


i thought the exact same thing all my life.
and then i met my husband at age 40 and had 3 babies!

crazy!

i would have never thunk it in a million years.

it takes being with the right person, i guess!

there isn't anyone up until then i would have trusted to be the father of my children.

that's probably one of the reasons i didn't want any.

also, i do not feel like i lost out on anything because i got my 20s and 30s to do whatever i wanted to do.

so even tho the kids take up most of my time i don't feel like i am missing out.

and it really IS quite the amazing experience

but yes, not for everyone, clearly :)
 Quoting: pink cat


You've gotta think though, you most likely will never get to see your grand kids become adults.

Especially if your children wait til they are even 25.

But it is more important to have children with the right person, than have them at a younger age.
andawg221

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12/04/2012 07:10 AM
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Re: My marriage is in crisis
OP. Trust your gut and be honest with yourself and your wife. She has to respect your wishes too. Yes you don't want to loose your wife, but you also don't want to sentence your future to unhappiness.
You did your part, you tried, you went the AI route (well there is still the IVF route but expensive) but you are allowed to have limits as well.
Don't go along with it in the hopes that you'll change your mind and be happy about it later, because you are who you are and you probably wont be happy about it later.
Tough call man. Good luck.
 Quoting: Floobarb the Argnorf


Yes, there is a limit to how far one must sacrifice in a marriage. I married young and my then-husband assured me he wanted 3 or 4 kids, for me to be a stay-at-home mom -- he lied, flat out, tellinf me what I wanted to hear. After the first baby he had a vasectomy at age 21 without even telling me. I couldn't believe the doctor would do that but husband lied to the doc and said he was single and had some genetic disease. He was a terrible father, never changed a diaper, left at 2 am to go to other women's houses when the baby was up crying or sick all night. By the time I divorced him he had given me a gynecologic infection (from one of his skanks) that rendered me infertile.

If the SOB had been honest from the start and said he didn't want kids we would have never married and both been saved a lot of grief. He did not give me that option by deceiving me about his real feelings.

Please, for the sake of your wife and future children, be honest with her and let her go find a man who is more suited to her needs. This will free you to find a woman more suited to yours as well. Everybody wins.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 5542489


How is it, you know he's out cheating. But you still sleep with him and don't use protection to boot?

Also most if not all curable std cause infertility after a good amount of time if they are not treated.

Plus his skanks are only skanks if they knew about you. But I'm guessing if he is such a liar, he didn't tell them he is a walking std and also married.

Just sayin.
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