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dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!

 
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/19/2013 12:07 PM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
You're right, I did laugh. :-D
I really don't mean it like that. :). I just banter a bit and don't mind making fun. I'm okay with it, I promise. I don't take myself too seriously.
Now, I have to read through the rest. Your posts are very interesting. :)
 Quoting: PENG


I feel a psychic connection with people sometimes. A foolish person would say, "I can read minds.". Well maybe, but mostly if you are sincere and try to put yourself in the soul (not the mind) of the Other person, and then resonnate with their Soul, then there's the potential for great discernment of their Nature (their natural self, not the complex self of the combination of natural self + learned behavior).

That was very complicated, and advanced stuff, but your tuning fork is sending a beat frequency to mine. So is phoe's responses. Most people can sense them; most discount them. Children innately feel them.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Oh my goodness, I understand what you are saying! I was reading some posts above and wow! I also read the old soul link you posted on the other thread. That is fascinating and worth looking into further. Your posts are thought provoking to say the least.

I'll ask you a question that I think you can answer! :-) When meeting someone, or just watching someone, do you pick up what I call an energy about them? Good or bad, but you can tell their intentions or character without knowing them? My friend comes to me often and asks what I think about so and so because she thinks I'm fine tuned to people. It's really odd, but I could give you countless instances. Now, there is always a master manipulator... And that is more prevalent online with those who are old at it, but even so, the ones who aren't very good I can spot.

There was ONE very insightful comment you made on the picture thread that told me, aha! He picked up on it too. And it was just a simple post by another, but so much was read into it. But you said something, maybe everyone was thinking it though. Idk.
 Quoting: PENG


PENG, it's entirely possible for a psychic person (by my definition not the world's definition) would be so aware as to have enhanced their senses, something Kreskin talks about, to a hyperlevel and hence body language, scent (not only pheremones but fear and others that we don't know how to quantify or qualify), seeing perhaps more in the visual spectrum than others, hearing beyond the normal range, touching people and chemical triggers being sensed by the totality of our pressure, temperature, positional sense, etc in our hands and bodies....and then integrating all of that.
[link to en.wikipedia.org]
You should read his book. You would like it.
[link to books.google.com]

Because I'm an amateur photographer with far more taken photos than a regular person, plus taught myself to read people's body language, facial gestures, turns of the head to hide or reveal character, and the way that their eyes connect or not connect with the lens (photohgrapher) then I can see into a photo.

Then of course, there are many senses which we don't talk about.

Example: linear acceleration and position in space. That's a measure of the inner ear. We don't discuss it, but it's a function of Cranial Nerve#8 which also includes hearing. An athelete like yourself, might have their body in unusual positions and still be able to sense how to alter that position to hit a tennis ball in a very brief amount of time after calculating the serve and the speed and spin of an incoming object (the ball) and then looking at the player too.

Example: there was famous study of students looking at images on a screen. Every once in awhile, a scary photo was inserted. In many cases, the students anticipated the scary photo. Weird and eerie, huh? It may be an ancient instinct sense of danger that's part of our thalmus. That's the porion of the brain for alertness.

Link: In this one, subjects anticipated erotic images.

Example: Some women are very orgasmic. They have no trouble sensing the stimulation of their pudendal nerve. It may be that their sense of that plus their awareness of a psychic connection with their partner is enhanced to such a degree as to allow more pleasure than normal. They also might be able to clue into and connect with their lover and using all of their awareness please their partner deeper than normal into a bliss state.

We may have many senses, just not categorized them. Women may have certain senses that men don't have or maybe there's enhanced ability in one sex. Say maternal detection of crying, which seems ancedotally to be a sense mom's have about their babies. Or a sense that's cultivated by experienced moms about a babies needs and clueing or connecting with a being that can only smile and cry but not explain exactly what they need. Yet some experienced mom's intuit what the baby needs correctly.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/19/2013 12:16 PM
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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!


Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:21 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/19/2013 12:22 PM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
1: do you think someone with right brain dominance is more intuitive to others? There is one simple piece of art that has always made an impression on me, The Thinker. It's more than a thousand words, but so simple it's crazy to me.
2: how in the hell do you know all of his?! And did you start after the pain of your loss?
 Quoting: PENG


Re-read what I wrote. You're an ethusiastic student, so I wrote much more details about advanced stuff.

Have you read the book, Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain?
[link to www.drawright.com]
Using that technique, you flip a photo upside down. It forced the brain to invert the image correctly in the visual Brodmann area. That's in the back of the head, what we call the occipital region. It's why a blow to the back of the head results in blindness sometimes. Anyway, inverting results in the brain using more of the right brain and causes a VAST INCREASE in drawing ability and art expression.

EDIT: Look at the before and after changes. Remarkable, yes?
[link to farm5.static.flickr.com]



Right versus Left Brain Test

To see the figure change direction, move your mouse along the youtube window to fastforward by not clicking but moving the mouse along the window. For me, she moves right, but when I move the mouse, then she moves left. I'm right brained, but you probably knew that.

Because of that simple technique, it alludes to the fact that we can train ourselves to use parts of us that haven't been developed as children. So it's entirely possible that once doing that, that perhaps other right side brain activity, the creative parts, might allow better linguistic skills, verbal expression, singinging, sculpting, writing, dancing, etc.

I'm just an average guy who did well in school, learned things instead of memorizing them long enough to pass a test.

And no, I have always been this way.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/19/2013 12:39 PM
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:22 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/19/2013 12:44 PM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
1: do you think someone with right brain dominance is more intuitive to others? There is one simple piece of art that has always made an impression on me, The Thinker. It's more than a thousand words, but so simple it's crazy to me.
2: how in the hell do you know all of his?! And did you start after the pain of your loss?
 Quoting: PENG


Re-read what I wrote. You're an ethusiastic student, so I wrote much more details about advanced stuff.

Have you read the book, Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain?
[link to www.drawright.com]
Using that technique, you flip a photo upside down. It forced the brain to invert the image correctly in the visual Brodmann area. That's in the back of the head, what we call the occipital region. It's why a blow to the back of the head results in blindness sometimes. Anyway, inverting results in the brain using more of the right brain and causes a VAST INCREASE in drawing ability and art expression.


Right versus Left Brain Test


Because of that simple technique, it alludes to the fact that we can train ourselves to use parts of us that haven't been developed as children. So it's entirely possible that once doing that, that perhaps other right side brain activity, the creative parts, might allow better linguistic skills, verbal expression, singinging, sculpting, writing, dancing, etc.

I'm just an average guy who did well in school, learned things instead of memorizing them long enough to pass a test.

And no, I have always been this way.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Lol, well I'm def curious about everything, but I've had to look up a few words. You are seriously smart and thoughtful. I hope I'm not irritating you with the questions. It's not easy to find people like you who are willing to explain these things to me because I always have a thousand questions.

That is fascinating. I just read the front page and going back. I never knew that. My mothers side are extremely artistic it's crazy. None of them have ever taken an art class. But all of the women are amazing painters.

I'd would hardly say you were average! lol
 Quoting: PENG

Re-read what I wrote, because I changed it up some to better explain the right/left brain test.

I'm happy to answer questions for anyone with a deep desire to learn these secrets.

Yes, in biology there's something called bilateral symmetry. Our bodies tend to be mirror images, but have you noticed differences in your body? For example on me, one knuckle produces hair but not on the opposite side. Some DNA difference allows very tiny changes in expression. That often happens with minor changes in eye color between the right and left sides. Some even have a brown and a green eye.

In truth, that's even more complex, because eyes don't have color. Did you know that? We perceive color of a person's eye, but the eye itself has no pigment.
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

Blue and green perceived color is not based upon true coloration, but something called structural color. That happens with certain jewels ( [link to en.wikipedia.org] ) as well. Most people won't believe it, but it explains why some people's eye color changes based upon the environment and lighting.

In your case, you ancestors are imparting a creative streak onto the next generation. It might be long ago, that one artist married another. Then somehow in your ancestors' awareness, they tended to seek out other creative types based upon their DNA. Then over time, more and more ancestors were right brained because the family had both DNA that predisposed them (Nature) and learned that artistic people were more accepted and invited into the family (Nurture).

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/19/2013 12:51 PM
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:22 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
About your DBA comment, I can understand that! :-)

Thank you for answering my question, I really appreciate it. I am coming from a perspective where, I will say, I came from an abusive childhood, and my father was a master at the above behavior with other women, even while being married to my mother. I have forgiven my father, but not the behavior. I do not enjoy foolery. I suppose I am very sensitive to it, and thought I would put out a subtle warning, in that, I know there are women (or men) like myself who are sensitive to behavior patterns. And really do not like them.

I do not date partially for the reason that I find a sick sense of joy (almost) in finding players and demolishing their outer armor. So, the player becomes my prey. I know exactly how to lure and how to get in, and then at the right time, turn the tables. I understand it is manipulative. It is done with the best of intentions, but still, I understand where it is coming from, my own childhood issues. In a way, it is an attempt to fix the other person (even though logically I understand no one can fix/save another person, it must come from within). A want to destroy the facade, because I do not from my deepest depths understand how a human can be happy living that way. I am trying to get past it.

Thank you for your words of wisdom on this thread for others' sake, it is very altruistic of you. hugs
 Quoting: Junkyard Lily


Hmmm. If I was talking to you in person, I would take a lot of time to explore this. I can't do that well in a post. It would take a long to journey through all of that. None of this is meant to be judgemental, because I'm pretty gentle and compassionate.

You do see that you're becoming the antithesis of your dad, right?

You didn't like the way he manipulated people, so you're dissecting people who are like him. In a way that's manipulating them. It also alienates you from others, particularly men because to do that, means you become a dispassionate observer, sort of a scientist, a behavioral scientist, much like "shrink" but also like a predatory shrink.

Courtship games are not always manipulative, they can be pleasureable games of cultural affectations. The courtship rituals in Southern Sudan are quite different than Northern Sudan, strictly along tribal lines, but also religious ones too. Likewise there's American states which have cultural courtship games in Southern states and those all vary. It's not necessarily an evil or manipulative ritual, but a chance for adults to play as children.

The problem with "players" is that it is manipulative. It's supposed to be enjoyable and pleasing. If you make yourself detactched then you're missing on the experience. It would be like analytically looking at the colors in a painting and assessing the variances in tint, and then losing the evocative feelings generated by the imagery and composition and then allowing it to penetrate your soul and trigger memories. See what I mean? Again it's not a judgement, it's just that I want you to have rich friendship and romantic experiences as a result of trust and intimacy.

Since your dad was abusive, then often that colors all male relationships from then on. Each guy becomes your dad once again, and then we psychodrama with that person.

You might be missing out on a lot because 50% of the people won't be able to get close enough to you.

Mostly we don't need to fix or repair someone, espcially if they don't want it. All healing is based upon a sense of teamwork and relationship of trust and a willingness to allow a physician to explain and explore things he/she detects as disease or behavioral states and then looks for ways to improve the patient's health. Since you're doing that dispassionately, then you're not being a healer. You're being a critic. No one could be healed by that kind of process.

Some really wonderful guys will have issues, but they don't need to be fixed, they need to be let in, if you feel a connection, and therefore can merge with you and build an intimate relationship. Otherwise, you're dooming yourself to always be a little lonely.

Not everyone needs courtship, but most people like it.

Most of us hide within layers, like layers of the onion. We might peel off some, but the more we expose, the more naked we feel. When doing a courtship ritual in a bar, then people don't expose their feelings in a deep way, the loud environment and ambiance doesn't really allow for that. You can though really get close to people in other social situations like a walk in the woods, or sitting on dock and dangling your feet in the water and being children again. In those moments we allow ourselves to be more honest and simple "be" with each other.

In spirituality, that recalles God speaking to Moses. I am who I am. Whether you believe that or not, suspend disbelief and think about the myth of it. God is saying that God is Ultimate Reality or Being.

And so humanity emulates God when we "be" with each other. Say, a friend is hurting from a broken relationship, sometimes they don't need advice, then need their best friend to "be" (spend time but quality time and connect) with them.

In dating, in a honest and sincere exchange, then we "be" with each other. We share stories and allow the layers to slowly unravel and show more and more of our inner self while being with them. I hope you can find that with someone you trust.

The maternal instict is deep in women. It's why the natural courtship riitual of finding a "bad boy" is alluring to women. They want an Alpha Male, but then inevitably they want to "fix him". That fixing is about mothering and taming the wild spirit of Iron Hans. Then having done that, they find, "Hmmm, he's not the same man. I don't feel so attracted to him." It ends a lot of relationships.

You're partially doing that, because it's instinctive in a woman, but not allowing yourself to also embrace and connect with him.

The guy feels puzzled. He'll say to me, "You know, I was kinda screwed up when I met her. And then, when I changed because she desired me to do so, then I felt like she loved me less and less." Then I shake my head and nod understandingly.

There's lot of guys like that. They often revert to their bad boy ways, but can never get their "groove" back.

The healthy response is "Hmm he's naughty, but also I like that. I want to teach him how to treat me well, but not tame him ever. If I tame him, then I'll lose what initially attracted him to me."

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/19/2013 01:31 PM
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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
Re-read what I wrote, because I changed it up some to better explain the right/left brain test.

I'm happy to answer questions for anyone with a deep desire to learn these secrets.

Yes, in biology there's something called bilateral symmetry. Our bodies tend to be mirror images, but have you noticed differences in your body? For example on me, one knuckle produces hair but not on the opposite side. Some DNA difference allows very tiny changes in expression. That often happens with minor changes in eye color between the right and left sides. Some even have a brown and a green eye.

In truth, that's even more complex, because eyes don't have color. Did you know that? We perceive color of a person's eye, but the eye itself has no pigment.
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

Blue and green perceived color is not based upon true coloration, but something called structural color. That happens with certain jewels ( [link to en.wikipedia.org] ) as well. Most people won't believe it, but it explains why some people's eye color changes based upon the environment and lighting.

In your case, you ancestors are imparting a creative streak onto the next generation. It might be long ago, that one artist married another. Then somehow in your ancestors' awareness, they tended to seek out other creative types based upon their DNA. Then over time, more and more ancestors were right brained because the family had both DNA that predisposed them (Nature) and learned that artistic people were more accepted and invited into the family (Nurture).
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Ok that just hurts my brain. My eye color changes alot. I thought it had to do with what I was wearing. Sometimes blue gray, then blue green, and sometimes really green, more light. It's significant also, not slight. I had no idea.

The second video... Is that an accurate test? When I read the text after watching the first time, and I thought which way, I swear it was counterclockwise and immediately watched again and it was clockwise, so I might have been mistaken. Then I followed the rest and that was so odd how it changed!
 Quoting: PENG

PENG! That's marvelous. That means your corpus callosum is such that your mind or intellect can shift from a creative right brain to the analytical left brain. That's ideal or can be.

Very few people can switch.

Try to make it switch.

A lot of people are right or left eyed. That's critical in shooting a rifle. It can be as an athlete too. Try this experiment. Open both eyes. Hold up a thumb. Close your right eye. Did the thumb move or stay still. Close your left eye. Did the thumb move or stay still. The eye that's open and your thumb doesn't move is your dominant eye.

For someone who can switch, you may be able to switch the right or left eye dominance. Look here for ocular dominance and the role in athletes:
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

More info:
[link to faculty.washington.edu]

Such people can be doing very creative things, but then OVERTHINK IT. They also can be doing something really anayltical like tabulating data and then suddenly imagine their lover and get immediately aroused and feel a sudden urge to call him. Or they could have an urge to dance spontaneously because something mathematical they were working on jogged their memory and fired dendrites and neurons to think of dancing.

Example: You're with your Hubbie. He's being very passionate. You feel very connected and turned on. You start kissing. You feel very aroused. You want him. He obviously wants you. Then you realize, "I have to work tomorrow, real early. Better put on the breaks and get some shuteye." He'll being going, "What the Hell just happened?!?! I thought everything was magical. I was connecting with her soul. I felt so close, and then like a light switch, it was gone."

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/19/2013 01:50 PM
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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
Hmmm. If I was talking to you in person, I would take a lot of time to explore this. I can't do that well in a post. It would take a long to journey through all of that. None of this is meant to be judgemental, because I'm pretty gentle and compassionate.

I wouldn't take it as being judgmental, thank you for spending the time on this that you have, I appreciate it.

You do see that you're becoming the antithesis of your dad, right?

Yes, I've known since I was about probably around five years old. I also knew that in taking that role, and being my mother's counselor at such a young age, through parentization, it was going to form and alter the way I would approach things, in later years. My mother is a very kind person, but overly self-sacrificing and co-dependent. It has been a struggle to be an "antithesis" figure, while at the same time trying to integrate and fulfill my idea of womanhood through my mother's example, but in modified form. Trying to separate the positive traits of both from the negative. It's very complex, and played out within me, as well as in the ways I approach the world.

You didn't like the way he manipulated people, so you're dissecting people who are like him. In a way that's manipulating them. It also alienates you from others, particularly men because to do that, means you become a dispassionate observer, sort of a scientist, a behavioral scientist, much like "shrink" but also like a predatory shrink.

Yes, I am aware dissection is a form of manipulation, and I fully admit to that. It comes ultimately from a place of self-protection within me, because it is how I learned to gauge and intuit potential for abuse in others. It does not mean that I do that with all men, definitely not. There is no need to do it with many men. Only a few. I also do it with women, for friendship purposes, to keep distance from a potential user or abusive personality. But, I have to state, for me, it is not thinking that leads me to conclusions, it is pattern recognition, emotional gut/intuitive (with rationality thrown in for balance), and rather automatic. The more things that a person does to remind me of various behavior patterns I have seen in other people, the more sure I am of my decisions whether to be engaged emotionally, or not. I have enjoyed many good relationships with men, in a platonic sense, and several in a romantic sense. Many friendships with women that are good and healthy. It's just I have a low threshold of tolerance for those I see as emotionally damaging toward others.

But, of course, I still allow myself to get involved, occasionally with a relationship that is negative, either in an attempt to heal positive parts, or destroy negative parts, of myself, or the other, if it is wanted.


Courtship games are not always manipulative, they can be pleasureable games of cultural affectations. The courtship rituals in Southern Sudan are quite different than Northern Sudan, strictly along tribal lines, but also religious ones too. Likewise there's American states which have cultural courtship games in Southern states and those all vary. It's not necessarily an evil or manipulative ritual, but a chance for adults to play as children.

I understand that, too. :-) I'm just talking about people who misuse it. There is natural flirting, and courtship...I enjoy that quite a bit, it's fun, and I don't have an issue with it. I'm talking about someone who purposely (male or female) goes out with an agenda. And that agenda is not centered around looking for love. I know that there are those who read dating books and try and do every trick in the book to gain connection with another. If a person is looking for love as a result, I understand it, and it doesn't bother me. It's the people who have books on their shelf with the sole intention of using it to build up harems and create social disharmony and disruption. It destabilizes the person on the receiving-end, and social structure, as a result.

The problem with "players" is that it is manipulative. It's supposed to be enjoyable and pleasing. If you make yourself detactched then you're missing on the experience. It would be like analytically looking at the colors in a painting and assessing the variances in tint, and then losing the evocative feelings generated by the imagery and composition and then allowing it to penetrate your soul and trigger memories. See what I mean? Again it's not a judgement, it's just that I want you to have rich friendship and romantic experiences as a result of trust and intimacy.

I would not want to be part of an "enjoyable and pleasing" sexual escapade if it has no substance. I would rather just masturbate and listen to a tape recording of someone telling me I'm beautiful. Isn't that what "playing" is? Using another person essentially for masturbation, male or female, with no want or need for connection? How does it diminish the importance of a fellow human being? How is it possible to enjoy a player, if there is nothing ultimately to gain? I don't see where there is anything gained, for either party, ultimately. Whatever thrill is transitory, and IMHO an illusion, the player has an impermanent jolt in the self-worth department (which is inherently lacking or missing), and the played person enjoys the attention temporarily, but gains no long lasting positive development.

Since your dad was abusive, then often that colors all male relationships from then on. Each guy becomes your dad once again, and then we psychodrama with that person.

In some cases, for sure. Especially in the case where the abused person (such as myself), directs herself into orbit of a misogynist, who dislikes his mother, intensely. Or, vice versa. Then there are fireworks! A woman who had problems with her father, but had a kind mom, with a man who had problems with his mother, but had a kind dad. Oh what fun. Not. (Well, it is fun, and passionate, in the beginning. But, misguided.) Attempting to fix and destroy parts of each other (as they wanted to do for a parent, but never could), and fixing themselves (or destroying parts of themselves) in the process, ultimately. Thankfully not all my relationships were like that, but some. We attract what we know sometimes, it is what we crave, and it takes a lot of conscious work to alter self-destructive patterns. That is why I am alone, in part, and attempting to work on myself.

You might be missing out on a lot because 50% of the people won't be able to get close enough to you.

But I don't want the (smaller) percentage of people who can't get close to me. That's the whole point, lol. I start off with equal trust for everyone, which is extremely high. My boundaries are there, and ok. I am capable of having truly deep and loving relationships. But, it's not going to be that for everyone. It just can't be.

Mostly we don't need to fix or repair someone, espcially if they don't want it. All healing is based upon a sense of teamwork and relationship of trust and a willingness to allow a physician to explain and explore things he/she detects as disease or behavioral states and then looks for ways to improve the patient's health. Since you're doing that dispassionately, then you're not being a healer. You're being a critic. No one could be healed by that kind of process.

I would never want to heal a person who doesn't want it, that does seem intrusive to me. They have to tell me that they want help. It's not dispassionate, except for the first 1/10th of a second I meet someone. This is hard to explain. The dispassionate part, if carried on for a time, is reserved for situations where I feel neither party would attain anything by association. Therefore, I do not put in a good amount of myself romantically to associate. If neither party puts anything in, what is there to hurt? Nothing. There is no connection.

The real healing stems from a place in me that is extremely deep and not touched by negative experiences. I have been giving that out all my life, I don't know how not to, and it is not forced upon anyone. If they want it, they can have, but I have boundaries, that's all.


Some really wonderful guys will have issues, but they don't need to be fixed, they need to be let in, if you feel a connection, and therefore can merge with you and build an intimate relationship. Otherwise, you're dooming yourself to always be a little lonely.

I agree, and I have done that. Nobody is perfect (including myself), and cutting too many out is throwing the baby out with the bathwater.

Not everyone needs courtship, but most people like it.

I enjoy it too, I didn't mean to give the impression I don't.

Most of us hide within layers, like layers of the onion. We might peel off some, but the more we expose, the more naked we feel. When doing a courtship ritual in a bar, then people don't expose their feelings in a deep way, the loud environment and ambiance doesn't really allow for that. You can though really get close to people in other social situations like a walk in the woods, or sitting on dock and dangling your feet in the water and being children again. In those moments we allow ourselves to be more honest and simple "be" with each other.

Of course, that's true. I've enjoyed parties, and take it for what it is. I, personally, have never "hooked up" with someone from a bar. Why? Most of my boyfriends were in attendance at the bar, with me. If I was single and out with friends, I would flirt with someone who was on the same level as me, and on the same page. Otherwise, no. Most of my relationships have been through introductions from mutual friends.

In spirituality, that recalles God speaking to Moses. I am who I am. Whether you believe that or not, suspend disbelief and think about the myth of it. God is saying that God is Ultimate Reality or Being.

And so humanity emulates God when we "be" with each other. Say, a friend is hurting from a broken relationship, sometimes they don't need advice, then need their best friend to "be" (spend time but quality time and connect) with them.

I understand that very much, and try to be that for others, if it is desired. I also appreciate that quality in others. My chain of understanding goes from seeking to understand and appreciate God, to seeking and understanding myself and others, and through that process, seeking and understanding the world and everything around me. Which leads back to the Unknowable, and it begins again, hopefully with even greater understanding.

In dating, in a honest and sincere exchange, then we "be" with each other. We share stories and allow the layers to slowly unravel and show more and more of our inner self while being with them. I hope you can find that with someone you trust.

Yes, I hope so too, thank you! For now, I am doing my best to concentrate on healing for myself, so that if I become involved in a relationship again, it will be from a more solid foundation.

The maternal instict is deep in women. It's why the natural courtship riitual of finding a "bad boy" is alluring to women. They want an Alpha Male, but then inevitably they want to "fix him". That fixing is about mothering and taming the wild spirit of Iron Hans. Then having done that, they find, "Hmmm, he's not the same man. I don't feel so attracted to him." It ends a lot of relationships.

You're partially doing that, because it's instinctive in a woman, but not allowing yourself to also embrace and connect with him.

The guy feels puzzled. He'll say to me, "You know, I was kinda screwed up when I met her. And then, when I changed because she desired me to do so, then I felt like she loved me less and less." Then I shake my head and nod understandingly.

It's more complex than that for me, I think. I don't lose interest if the guy "changes" himself, not at all. I will only leave if my life finds it necessary, or if I know it is the only option. I left one man because he was a famous musician who wound up having serious drug and alcohol issues. He chose his addiction, and though he eventually cleaned up his act, he died three years ago as a result of the damage he did to his body. And, I left another long-term relationship because near the end I was being stalked, he insinuated he had committed multiple murders, and threatened to do the same to me if I did not conform to his wishes. The authorities were informed. That's the type of stuff I am talking about. I don't want pity, I just want to state for clarity purposes.

There's lot of guys like that. They often revert to their bad boy ways, but can never get their "groove" back.

The healthy response is "Hmm he's naughty, but also I like that. I want to teach him how to treat me well, but not tame him ever. If I tame him, then I'll lose what initially attracted him to me."

I understand that, and I know it does happen, for sure.

Thank you again for taking the time to write all you have! I hope everyone on here finds wonderful experiences with others, and healthy relationships, as a result.


red_heart

 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:23 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
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DBA,
You have made my night. Your words to me were like butter is to warm bread. I soaked it all up and you inspired me greatly, to be kinder to myself.
Thank you. Thank you sooo much.

I've turned a corner because of your words.

As of this moment, I am a very engaging, single, beautiful, 48 yo single woman.

I'm going to hang on to that, from this day forward.

hugs
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Junkyard Lilly,
You're doing a lot of positive things. Thanks for clarifying and being so intimate about your life. I don't have much to add as you seem to be coping in healthy ways.

I would think that examining the alteration in your journey as a five year old, a time when there's great trust but also independence and exploration, that the natural child wonder phase was abbreviated and halted, and that this resulted in a rapid shift of maturity beyond the mental capacity and fortitude of a five year old. That's something more akin to 14 year old, when they realize that their Father and Mother have feet of clay, and all too human.

I hope you journal about that. That could create potential problems with trusting deeply. Five year olds are developing a trusting relationship that counts upon security, constancy, an expectation that parental love will be present unconditionally. Having skipped that part, it might manifest in a premature judgement of people. I hope not, but sounds like it a little.

I'm sure that if I spent any time with you, that it would be a wonderful and delightful evening.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/19/2013 09:35 PM
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Oh my... Ok I did that test. At first it looked right eye but then I couldn't see either move. So I googled and found this [link to www.topendsports.com]
When I did this test, I was totally right eye dominant. with the dancer I was right eye. I shoot with my right eye.

Edit for: corrections above! I had my youngest daughter and my son do the dancer and both said clockwise, but when I had them do the test I posted, my son, according to the test results, the object moved with his right eye closed and my daughters moved with her left eye close. Wth? Lol. Confused

NO NO NO, I have to correct myself again.... When I closed my left eye, the object moved out of sight for me. Left eye dominant. I don't understand. The dancer went clockwise in the other test. Am I don't somethng wrong?
 Quoting: PENG


Hmmm you're really cute and charming and adorable. Yes, you're doing it right, but like a person who can see both, then remember what I said, they tend to rapidly switch and sometimes overthink it. Your corpus callosum may be very thin and your brain's wiring allows an exchange between the hemispheres easily.

Then you think about it. That's being self-aware. Your soul or consciousness is looking at your intellect and brain function. That self-awareness is kinda confusing because it's like having a split personality. It's more like the soul is the whole, and the intellect is subset of the whole. [Not really, there are many voices inside you. That's a crucial teaching but advanced learning. Better to stick to simple things for now.]

Do this. Close your eyes. Center yourself. Breathe. Then open your eyes and do any of the tests. Then wait and do it again by opening your eyes. Each time, you're reseting your awareness.

For fun, teach your kids, Hubbie, and yourself this. Go outside deep into the Green (what I call the Forest). Now listen and don't speak. Really listen. Note what you hear.
[link to science.howstuffworks.com]

Now, place your hands in a cup behind your ears on both sides. Then turn your head and listen and focus. Your hearing will dramatically go up in perception, because you've made a "bowl" like the Hollywood Bowl.
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

Those cupped hands are ampitheratres. It's a way to raise awareness of our senses and enhance sound. Then try less cupping and see if you can still detect those sounds. Sometimes, especially in people pre-25+ they can. Their hearing is acute, but they were filtering out the sounds.

Much of becoming "aware" in relationships or in Nature is becoming a shaman. See my sig.

A shaman was the "original interdisciplinary student" according to a mentor. They learned all of healing, psychology, arts, crafts, agriculture, hunting, etc by becoming fully actuallized human beings, awake to Ultimate Reality, self-aware of their souls, and aware of Others including other species.

A great friend, parent, and lover will become aware and try to be like a shaman.

Your family is probably very right brain dominant i.e. creative for the reasons I mentioned before, but also have coped with it to be logical and analytical.

Being right or left brained naturally is also affected by occular dominance (one eye being dominant). When you were a baby, some visual information, when it came from that eye, you favored it. Or your DNA predisposed you to use that one, maybe the eye muscles (lateral rectus, superior orbial,etc)
[link to t1.gstatic.com]
Some were more well developed on one eye than another. You gathered more information through that eye because the muscles were genetically stronger.

Or, you learned to use one eye more. Stand in front of a mirror. Close your eyes. Center yourself. Open your eyes and think. Most people look up and to the right or left when they contemplate.

Which is it with you? It's a "tell" for a player or salesperson.

A player or salesperson will "pitch an idea". If the person looks to up and to the left, they're usually thinking about the past. What did they do before? If they look to up and to the right, they're thinking about the FUTURE. That tells them, that maybe they're thinking if the proposal is worthy. Say it's "Hey want to come to my place?" Then looking at your eyes and body language, they can anticipate your answer. Then they can prepare another idea and deliver it.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/19/2013 09:51 PM
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Centering

Sometimes, we need to clear the mind. That's really a misnomer. When we say, clear the mind, what we really need to do, if children, is clear the senses. To focus.

Close your eyes and become aware solely of your breathing. The breath in the Bible is “Pneuma” or the Breath of God, or scientists call “living”. That's not accurate, but it's a start for a child.

If you solely think of breathing using your intellect, then you push your awareness by default into realizing a “state of being”. You realize, “I'm breathing. I'm drawing something into my lungs, my diaphragm is lowering and rising, I'm exhaling, and I am alive.”

If an adult and trying to become “centered”, then you're trying to become aware of your position in the Universe. Focusing on breathing, your intellect will show you things, things your unconscious mind is thinking. In the stillness, and lack of stimuli, the brain begins generating imagery. Pay attention, but let the images wash over you.

Sometimes people have bad images, because their subconscious is worried about things. Don't assign emotion or feeling to that yet. Try to be dispassionate. Stay calm and focus.

Your mind will drift. Don't fall asleep! Become aware and centered. Allow your soul to flower into being. Feel the life giving energy of the Universe come in.

Now open your eyes. You're calmer.

When nervous before a date, do this. Clearing your mind, is really about clearing away your concerns and shutting out the noise. That noise is probably impeding relationships.

A time out is a moment a parent gives their children to think about consequences. It would be far better to teach them to do as above from age five or so. This calms them. It shuts out the noise. They feel refreshed. They feel more self-worth. Now they can connect better with you.

Then say to your child, "Welcome back. I'm glad you're present with me." It's a recognition of your shared experience of "being".

Try it in prayer. Try being as a soul and communicating with God. Your being to Ultimate Being or Reality.

Now when dating, your self-worth will be greatly magnified. You won't rush your words. You'll feel centered and focused, while they feel nervous and apprehensive.

Next is loaning the Other your calmness. When you do that, that empathy builds closeness and fosters intimacy.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/19/2013 10:11 PM
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Lending Calmness

If we can still the apprehension within ourselves, eliminate the noise, recognize our unconscious desires and fears, but then not be swallowed up by them, then our self-worth will turn to self-confidence. Keep it up and it will turn to self-esteem.

A confident person is magnetic. If you're lonely and you see a confident person, then you're naturally going to notice them. You feel a rush of energy oozing from them. It's like a narcotic sometimes when very sexually aroused by their confidence.

Because you built up a reservoir of self-worth, and you are calm, and confident, then you can loan it.

Go up to ten strangers a day. Learn to make conversation. Most will be lonely people and isolated. Some won't want to connect, so don't be persistent. Others will be hungry for attention. Become an expert at many occupations because of listening and remembering. Some day, some of that information will allow you to connect with another stranger, maybe a beautiful one.

Now, when dating, having had a regular experience of meeting ten strangers per day, and calm, then when you meet a nervous stranger, then you can loan your confidence to them. Now they will be 10x more attracted to you.

Here's how to do it. Center yourself. Walk up to them. Find a way to communicate sincerely and honestly express why you came to meet them. “You're different than the others. I can sense it. I couldn't help but notice you.” All people love to hear their uniqueness.

Some will say, “Oh come on. What is that, a line?”

“Hardly. I genuinely wanted to meet you. I'm curious about you. What's your secret?”

If there's a genuine connection, most people will be a little charmed by your gentle lending of calm to them. They feel affirmed. They breath normally. They relax.

Relaxed calm people are more honest. Trust builds. People seldom will sing their attributes for that seems like pride and shameless self-promotion. Most people however have passions and want to talk about them. They're the things they enjoy and the things they spend time doing for fun and amusement. Ask them what those are.

“When you feel most alive, tell me, what is that aspect of your life?”

You're lending them calmness. You're showing genuine interest in them. It creates trust. It allows them to discuss the exciting aspects of their lives. [Or not, they may be boring, but at least you showed kindness and made the effort. Better to find out early that this beautiful person is shallow than later.]

If you meet people like this, rather than the halting stumbling attempts to use lines and turn people on, then you have a chance to actually meet someone. That's genuine and really lacking in the superficial world of most social events where people say the same tired things over and over.

Most people get bored when you sing your own praises but love to talk about themselves. Listen, connect, lend calmness. It will spark their interest to have someone so focused with good eye contact, and solely paying attention to them.
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Junkyard Lilly,
You're doing a lot of positive things. Thanks for clarifying and being so intimate about your life. I don't have much to add as you seem to be coping in healthy ways.

I would think that examining the alteration in your journey as a five year old, a time when there's great trust but also independence and exploration, that the natural child wonder phase was abbreviated and halted, and that this resulted in a rapid shift of maturity beyond the mental capacity and fortitude of a five year old. That's something more akin to 14 year old, when they realize that their Father and Mother have feet of clay, and all too human.

I hope you journal about that. That could create potential problems with trusting deeply. Five year olds are developing a trusting relationship that counts upon security, constancy, an expectation that parental love will be present unconditionally. Having skipped that part, it might manifest in a premature judgement of people. I hope not, but sounds like it a little.

I'm sure that if I spent any time with you, that it would be a wonderful and delightful evening.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


:-)

I started writing in diaries and journals when I was about 11, and it has been a wonderful journey, overall.

Yes, developing a trusting relationship in later years while having trauma at a young age can halt emotional development, so that a person is "frozen" emotionally at the age of their trauma.

Experience has been my greatest teacher, but I'm lucky to have some very dear and close friends through the years who have had similar lives, and we had formed mutual bonds of trust, and helped one another grow. I am happy at where I am now, having retained core trust, love, constancy, security, and calm--but, growing and retaining healthy discernment and boundaries. No worries about the judgment factor, or trusting. Those areas are good. :-)

The point of my original posting was that there are many well-meaning people in this world, but there are a few with less-than-honorable intentions. Learn to know the difference. It does not mean to not be a trusting person, it means to love yourself, be open to love of another and the world around us, but also care for yourself at the same time, and what is best for you, personally. hf

Thanks for your input DBA, and have a good night, all!
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:23 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
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Oh yea, my corpus callosum is thin alright. That does not sound good.;)

You are so right... It's like having a split personality, not literally, but its very frustrating for me. I do the bowl hearing with my kids alot. I think they get aggravated with me because I have more fun doing it! Seriously. Like the color changes in the fall... I completely freak out and drive around looking at them. They're like, ok mommy enough already.

I look to the right. Actually I have to strain my eyes a bit to look to the left. Ha.
Lol I'm glad I amuse you with my adorable ness . Really, if you read my replies to ther posts, ya might change your mind.

So your right brained, but your posts are left brained. You seem pragmatic with many of your posts. Very controlled. But your a deep thinker and almost quiet in nature and that's interesting to me because of the manner in which you post. I think you'd almost have a dry sense of humor? Where I'm like a Tasmanian devil, all over the place.
 Quoting: PENG


Whoa, you make me sound like the Buddha. Hahaha. I'm just a regular guy. I'm more integrated because I studied the sciences and art and culture plus history. I've done both analytical work, plus deeply spiritual work, plus refugee ministry plus youth work, ad nausuem.

It's integration of Soul, merging the right creative side with the logical analytical side. I'm actually discussing the role of consciousness with the soul and the intellect as it occurs in neuroscience as we speak here:
Thread: Is this research showing that the human brain is not us??? - READ THIS (Page 9)
It's a highly complex discussion of physiology, biochemistry, neuroscience, psychology, communications theory, physics, spirituality, history, etc.

AND I told you that being able to shift from right to left is a good and rare gift. So why do you get complimented and then use self-deprecating humor? Silly girl. It's a strength, or can be. It means you have the potential to understand BOTH ways of a problem and finding a solution.

Being hyperaware usually means fantastic sex. Hmmm, not that's just awful!

No, I can be a total practical joker and Tasmanian Devil too, as well as have a wry wit. I can be Iron Hans for sure, see my sig.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/20/2013 12:39 AM
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:-)

I started writing in diaries and journals when I was about 11, and it has been a wonderful journey, overall.

Yes, developing a trusting relationship in later years while having trauma at a young age can halt emotional development, so that a person is "frozen" emotionally at the age of their trauma.

Experience has been my greatest teacher, but I'm lucky to have some very dear and close friends through the years who have had similar lives, and we had formed mutual bonds of trust, and helped one another grow. I am happy at where I am now, having retained core trust, love, constancy, security, and calm--but, growing and retaining healthy discernment and boundaries. No worries about the judgment factor, or trusting. Those areas are good. :-)

The point of my original posting was that there are many well-meaning people in this world, but there are a few with less-than-honorable intentions. Learn to know the difference. It does not mean to not be a trusting person, it means to love yourself, be open to love of another and the world around us, but also care for yourself at the same time, and what is best for you, personally. hf

Thanks for your input DBA, and have a good night, all!
 Quoting: Junkyard Lily


I totally agree about players. I've been asked to teach players before, which I refuse to do, although any player could abuse the information I listed and use it for ill.

Players are totally focused upon sex for the thrill. They're like degenerate gamblers from the Sopranoes.


It's like a bad lover that focuses upon a nipple or the clitoris and not on the Lady.
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:24 PM
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Oh yea, my corpus callosum is thin alright. That does not sound good.;)

You are so right... It's like having a split personality, not literally, but its very frustrating for me. I do the bowl hearing with my kids alot. I think they get aggravated with me because I have more fun doing it! Seriously. Like the color changes in the fall... I completely freak out and drive around looking at them. They're like, ok mommy enough already.

I look to the right. Actually I have to strain my eyes a bit to look to the left. Ha.
Lol I'm glad I amuse you with my adorable ness . Really, if you read my replies to ther posts, ya might change your mind.

So your right brained, but your posts are left brained. You seem pragmatic with many of your posts. Very controlled. But your a deep thinker and almost quiet in nature and that's interesting to me because of the manner in which you post. I think you'd almost have a dry sense of humor? Where I'm like a Tasmanian devil, all over the place.
 Quoting: PENG


Whoa, you make me sound like the Buddha. Hahaha. I'm just a regular guy. I'm more integrated because I studied the sciences and art and culture plus history. I've done both analytical work, plus deeply spiritual work, plus refugee ministry plus youth work, ad nausuem.

It's integration of Soul, merging the right creative side with the logical analytical side. I'm actually discussing the role of consciousness with the soul and the intellect as it occurs in neuroscience as we speak here:
Thread: Is this research showing that the human brain is not us??? - READ THIS (Page 9)
It's a highly complex discussion of physiology, biochemistry, neuroscience, psychology, communications theory, physics, spirituality, history, etc.

AND I told you that being able to shift from right to left is a good and rare gift. So why do you get complimented and then use self-deprecating humor? Silly girl. It's a strength, or can be. It means you have the potential to understand BOTH ways of a problem and finding a solution.

Being hyperaware usually means fantastic sex. Hmmm, not that's just awful!

No, I can be a total practical joker and Tasmanian Devil too, as well as have a wry wit. I can be Iron Hans for sure, see my sig.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


This is why the intellect gets frustrated. It wants to understand not just record observation. Becoming more and more aware of consciousness allows a human to be more balanced and see the broad spectrum of experiences through time. Even anticipate the Future and existence outside of Time.

Some people are very dull, and they only live in the moment and don't analyze anything. They haven't formed a stronger bond with consciousness. It doesn't matter to them.

Other people like Zen monks live entirely in the present, the Eternal Now, but what they mean is semantically different. They are entirely cognizant of consciousness and have integrated analysis with intellect as well as consciousness.

Even if a scientist, you have consciousness. It's the part that touches upon analysis daily even minute by minute, but somehow denies that such analysis exists outside of the brain. A lot of scientists don't believe in a soul, but think this is all there is. Still consciousness does seem to point to a life outside of life, or some state beyond, which is the Soul, right? "Posted by Don'tBeAfraid in another place...See Thread: Is this research showing that the human brain is not us??? - READ THIS


I agree with that. OMG. You also noted a couple other things that had me laughing because I have totally done that. I put the drawing book in my amazon cart. Would love to read that. Very interesting stuff.

It's all a big mystery to me. I love reading and researching and thinking about it all, but for me it can be frustrating as we will never really know, of course until the end.... And even then. Hmmm. It is all so fascinating and mysterious. Seriously, don't you just want to scream sometimes?! I can only speak for myself, but there is def a soul. I'm not saying that because I need a God, but because it registers deep down with me. It's not possible, IMO, to have that kind of passion and love and wonderment without one! I could be wrong, but I don't care! Haha. Lalalalalala. Ooh, here ill edit to pay myself homage heehee... A person with whom I am close was looking at me strangely one day when I was talking to him. I was like wtf? What are you thinking. He laughed n said "I've never met someone with so much passion when they talk. If I could bottle it, I would." Now that's the stuff right there, don't ya think?! If you can light a spark with just one person, it all ok for the day!
woohoo

Btw as far as the self deprecation, maybe but I'm not certain. I am quite aware of what I am saying and why. My mother is absolutely gorgeous, even today, but she knew that and even at a young age, I found it distasteful. AND because I was associated with her and important people around her, people assumed the same with me. Well that bothered me, so there's a song... It took me all my life to finally figure out I'm not in the mood to be anything like you. Lol. So, I'm uncomfortable with compliments but because its it reminds me of "mommy dearest" and how she lived for them. Make sense? Just a little rebel. Haha! It's all good though, but I like you, you're sincere. I thank you for them and you are so sweet to even take the time. Oh and you just go right at it and talk me up. ;-P

hf
 Quoting: PENG

Rather than prosthelytizing, let's just talk about the soul = consciousness, for many don't believe in God, which is fine, for this is about dating and relationships.

The intellect (your mind noticing or aware of change by stimuli) makes a mental note when you meet someone or like someone. In neuroscience, one model is that inside of one part of the brain is white matter. It stores the memory of previous experiences. Then there is the grey matter. It sends signals in a cascade, like a domino being tipped over. The domino and the next one and the next one are neurons = gray matter.

Let's say you meet someone. Your senses say, "That person is of a height that is greater than my own. They have brown hair. I notice muscles. They move with grace."

In the grey matter, all of those qualities were once experienced in some other memory. Little flags go up, and the intellect communicates the senses to your soul (consciousness). Your soul says, "You like those attributes. You have fond memories of all of them. You notice beauty in them. Now because of your previous experiences (memories) and your senses, and because your mind recorded them and communicated to me(the soul), I have analyzed it, and determined that you are ATTRACTED to that person. Go talk to them. Flirt. Tell them what your senses noticed, and also tell them what I (the soul) said."

I bolded what your Husband or Lover said. SMART MAN. Honest sincere communication AND a flirt in one. Excellent. Affective and Effective.

Do you know the theory about attraction and children and parents? It will disturb you, but if mature, it will enlighten you.

Once you probably fell in love with a parent, at least some of you did. You noticed that one parent had attributes which pleased you. Those attributes were from favorable memories. Your soul decided that you liked those attributes, so you liked that parent.

However, your parent had a lover(or spouse). No matter how hard you tried to get your parent's attention, it wasn't in the same proportion as the lover's to your parent.

You tried to make yourself as beautiful as possible and you thought by doing so, you could attract them. This is how we initially begin the process of self-improvement.

So, you switched tactics. You decided to be more like that lover, for if you did, then maybe your parent would notice you in the same proportion or MORE.

This is how we decide gender identity and work to emulate a person of our own gender and so become more mature than our years. So a boy will try to be a man, and a girl will try to become more feminine.

[Note gay relationships are highly complex and all of this is different. Don't assume you can compare apples and oranges. I can't advise gay folks well for that reason. I understand some aspects but don't have the experiences they have.]

In time, you got attracted to other people, and forgot your initial attraction to that parent. Or you realized it was a form of immature love. But, your antipathy for the lover remained. They once had impeded a relationship, and in our instinct, it's very difficult to overcome a neural pattern in the brain that's locked in memory (white matter).

As such over time, men although they adopt certain qualities of their fathers, and women adopt certain qualities of their mothers, feel a bit estranged from them. In fact, they spend a lot of energy to be uniquely different that their parents whom invoke antipathy.

This is one aspect of how identity is formed.

As a result, a child's core identity often becomes a blend of both parents who involkes antipathy AND an opposite response.

I.E You are normal PENG.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/20/2013 07:09 PM
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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
The first "relationship" with your parent you adored

Read the previous posting first.

OK, so if you didn't get validated, loved, adored, cherished by that parents (a boy loving their mother; a daughter loving their father), then a lot of children will feel low self-worth. That parent of opposite sex didn't acknowledge your self-worth, didn't tenderly connect with you while you were figuring out the first love of a post-toddler's experiences.

The result is often a deep sense of rejection. From then on, a woman might imagine that the next guy she meets will end up being like her father was that first time she was rejected. A man might fear rejection because he was first rejected.

If a parent on either side continually criticizes a child as they mature into adolescence and persists into the teen years and on and on into adulthood, then neurosis about self-worth persists and grows.

The only way a rational being can cope is to realize what's going on. Then you make new neural patterns. That's an active process. The other early poor behavioral coping is largely a passive process.

Because a passive process has been going on for most of your lives, then most people persist in a passive response. It's bad learned behavior. STOP IT! (teasing)

If you're a parent, you must understand how to carefully coax and encourage your children who are the opposite sex than yourself. That way, they'll have a good self-worth.

A lot of parents, especially fathers, notice their daughter's love for them. They worry, so they hold them at arm's length, because they think, "That's an unnatural attraction. I better discourage it. I'll ignore her." Some fathers then create a behavioral pattern that continues the rest of the daughter's life.

If you're a parent, you must understand the competition that happens between a child of your own sex, and therefore help them properly process the love they feel. Then deliberately build up their self-worth. If you do that, then antipathy doesn't build up, but rather they see you as someone who facilitates their self-worth. Make sense?

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/20/2013 06:22 PM
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01/20/2013 06:31 PM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
If you understand the Lover's first love, then you can connect with them MORE

These talks build upon secrets. You have to understand the earlier ones, or else they will make no sense. Go back and read all of them in order.

Because of all of that, your lover or potential lover has a history of experiences. If you can understand with your soul using the true meaning of the word "psychic" sense, then you can connect with them in a profound way.

Whatever early approval or rejection they had, it inevitably affects their present and future dating behavior (most people). Those early memories filter all future behavior.

If a daughter had a negative experience with her dad, then she might perpetually look for an older wiser experienced man to give her sincere accolades. Or she might deliberately chose a man who isn't like her dad.

If a daughter had a positive experience with her dad, she often will look for men who have similar qualities because of stability and acceptance. However, her dad invokes paternal feelings, and so while security and protection are the primary parts of female identity, but not the sexual being she is that is wild and free, then she will look for other lovers who have those qualities.

Women are very complicated. They often will try to find both in a single man, but can't find it. So they'll be wild, then settle for a protector and secure future for herself so she can have children.

The desire to "settle down" is so compelling in some women, for the need to procreate and have children is a deep desire for completeness of female identity. However, that's at odds with post-modern women (see Artemis) and so they sense the loss of their wild free autonomous side, and so they might have an affair to prove they still can attract a wild and free Alpha male.

The same is true for men in some ways.

If a man had a negative experience, he will try as best he can to avoid women like his mom. However, he may feel attracted to qualities in a woman like his mom. However, because he feels this ambivalence, he may engage into a relationship with a woman like her, but then be afraid to commit to her, because she may end up rejecting him just like his mom did. Make better sense now?

If a man had positive experiences, he will try to find those qualities in a woman, however since his mom invokes maternal feelings and not sexual attraction, then he will feel ambivalence. The woman has to be both sexually appealing and have postive qualities he feels are in his mom.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/20/2013 06:38 PM
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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
Self-sabotage as a way to please that critical parent
(in your warped mind, for it won't please them at all)

This is a very brief secret, but powerful if you understand it.Listen.

Because a critical parent won't validate you and help you change your self-worth, and because people are lazy (passive by nature), then most people will try to please their parents.

Since the parent thinks you're worthless, you self-sabotage to prove they are right about you. Do you get it now?

You're looking to validate them, because you believe them. So you do negative things to prove they're right about you.

Why? Because at least then they're paying attention. Stop doing this!

PS Some people will do this in their dating relationships. They don't get validation from toxic critical people, so they try in their warped minds to validate the things that the Lover's says, and so doom the relationship. It was already doomed though, because the Lover is toxic and criticizing. Run away as fast as you can. A ton of abusive relationships fit in this single paragraph.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/20/2013 06:59 PM
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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!


Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:24 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
The person who said that to me was actually a cousin. So no flirt stuff there. I think I just talk too much and he laughed one day about it. Instead of saying it irritated him, he said what I noted. :)

I don't know about all of the parent identity stuff. I tried hard to think how that applied to me and just couldn't.

I'm going to read the rest of your posts now. :)
 Quoting: PENG


The parental stuff is the basis for almost all psychology concerning a child's formation of indentity (both self-worth and sexual identity). It's one analysis of how it unfolds. It's not complete, and why I am not a subscriber to Freud, but more Jungian, but even he agrees that it's an element. We've come a long way since the time of analyzing wealthy Austrian women and then foisting that upon the world, but there's some validity to it.

See to start: Oedipus comples
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

See also: Electra complex
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/20/2013 07:53 PM
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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
Why a player is so awful

A player intuits much of this, or they read how to apply them. Because neurosis is common in a woman, then they can both appeal to self-worth and also tear down self-worth. It's not hard to do.

They will do both during the chase. Ambivalence is one of their tools. They will both pursue based upon beauty and create attraction and then point out flaws to place themselves in a superior position to negotiate.

Since the goal is not a relationship, but only to get laid, then they don't have to deal with the consequences of their actions.

It's enough for some women, because they want intense passion. It won't satisfy more than a single night in most women, but "any port in a storm" is a common attitude. They want momentary comfort by nestling in a man's arms and so feeling passion and instantaneous validation.

However, that's not what they're getting. Read any player manual. It always is about asserting dominance. An equal amount of time is spent both inciting passion and then pointing out flaws.

If a guy is reading this, think, "Hmm she's pretty amazing. I can use NLP to initiate contact and foster attraction and even get laid, but maybe if she's so special, I want to keep being with her."

NLP is not bad. Much of the player's information is psychology and NLP. What's bad is the misuse of it. There's an enormous potential to screw a lot of women, and not just the passion part, but screw them up worse.

From the perspective of an Alpha Male, if you taint the people you're dating, you're only making more and more damaged people and reducing your chances of finding both pleasure and lasting relationships.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/20/2013 08:23 PM
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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!


Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:24 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/20/2013 08:17 PM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
Very good. What would you say though if that were not true in some cases, or didn't appear so? I may be misunderstanding your posts, but I swear I'm reading them. ;). I do know as a child and certainly as a teen, I observed quite a bit.... What I mean is I watched people and thought about it, thought about them, who they were, why they were the way they were. I became sensitive to this and I guess that's why I am keen to pick up on their "energy". I think it was just in my nature and I was curious at a young age about those around me. I love learning about the human condition.

So, I can't familiarize myself with the things you noted in the earlier posts. Again, back to self worth, I watched how many people needed it to validate their place on earth. I see that now. Hell, I see that in several posters on glp. Haha. I found it weak to see how needy people are, and need that attention, so when, for example, you might say, "she is attractive", of course it's a compliment, and I recognize that, and of course I would much rather hear that than, oooooh "nice pic", LOL. get what I mean? But , I Think, because my mother needed it and need to show it off, and her affluence, i saw it as needy, not a strength. Erg. Does that make sense to you? I don't think I'm explaining it very well. I think you might have to start charging me! Haha. I don't think it's self worth as it is loathing that need to hear that.

But hey hey hey.... Don't stop on the count of me! You just keep the compliments coming, and I'll say, by damn you are a smart man! LMFAO. I'm sorry, it just pops in my head like that!

Now off to read your other posts. Sorry I have spell checked anything.
 Quoting: PENG


Being sensitive to other people, is what I labeled being "aware". When you begin to be very aware, you become sensitive. That can be bad i.e. too sensitive, but usually it means focused upon negative awareness and hence missing half or more of the sensations. When you become very sensitive, you become what I labeled as "psychic" i.e. seeing with all of your "consciousness" not just the intellect. Some people become awake or very psychic early in their lives.

A lot of shrinks become very sensitive, but that doesn't mean that they can actually practice what they preach either. They're human.

Some people who are very sensitive and also can develop good communication skills plus learn to connect with people and also learn how to motivate others, those people deliberately choose to use that in an occupation. That fascination that you're describing you experienced PENG, the one that deals with energy, that can help you in: being a coach, a healer (doctor or nurse), a teacher, a counselor (pastor, therapist, psychiatrist, etc).
The need for validation is so potent an instinct, that sometimes people will forgo eating and drinking water for validation i.e. anorexia or bulimia.

The need for validation is deep. A lot of crimes happen ultimately for validation. While some theft is done for a rush or for the acquisition of wealth, it sometimes happens because what is perceived to be valuable, if owned, even illegally, validates the thief.

If you understand validation, then a ton of human behavior become more understandable. In fact, there frequently is a validation component.

It's not enough to form a "true" perception or insight, when we communicate it (as I am myself doing) then often it is an attempt to seek validation of my perception. A troll could say, "ARGH, you just want attention. You're an attention-whore." Yes, that's a component of being on GLP. Validation.

We often will focus on a parent of the same sex. I see things in my dad that I don't like. For example, being very talkative and not saying anything but blather. It becomes a focus of my perception of him. Then if I take the long view, I see that often he's being very kind and connecting to people and repeating what they say, in a way validating them, but listening it sounds like blather. See?

By the way, the things people most dislike in others, are often the things we despise in ourselves. Since it's so hard to build self-worth, we can't criticize it in ourselves, so when we see it in others, we focus on it. Any time you feel repulsed by someone's behavior, stop, and then think, "When do I do that myself?" I bet you do some of that behavior and it irritates you, but most of us are not aware of the self.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/20/2013 08:28 PM
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01/20/2013 08:20 PM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!


Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:25 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."

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