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dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!

 
Don'tBeAfraid

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True, I would love to hear your advise on coping. My son has aspergers, but he is very sweet, not violent. Def high functioning. He s more into nature, computer hardware, motors, etc... Doesn't play video games. He's a thinker though but he has a difficult time making friends. Mainly because he has nothing in common with a typical boy. He also realizes he is different (very small for his age and different interests) which makes him feel awkward. I feel so sad for him because he is so sweet but lacks confidence. He feels something is wrong with him if kids ignore him.

What I worry about is the future, when he is old enough to date. And how to teach him to cope with neglect, etc. I know it's way off, but its important to start now. Have any suggestions?
 Quoting: PENG


I've worked around kids with Aspergers. Their social skills are delayed, and puberty is the roughest time. Kids are cruel then. We think of teens as liberal, and they are for the most part, but also display rigidity in thinking. Despite thinking at a societal level about people being their own person, they can't flex with individuals being their own person. Quite unusual. That persists into their young adulthood.

Because a boy at that age is very sexual, his hormones are raging. He wants the validation that comes with female attention in his peer and older age, but can't figure out how to behave in ways that will reduce the impediments. There's probably naughty magazines in his room. Be careful about his privacy as it's very fragile. Always knock before entering.

Because he may have trouble reading people's emotions, and body language as regards to their unconscious desires, he gets very mixed up about their intentions.

Boys at 9-11 often go through a fart, poop, burp phase, but that leaves at age 12-14 with the arrival of public hair, hair under their arms, changes in voice and they realize, "Heck, I'm becoming a guy!"

In Aspergers that's delayed mentally. They see themselves as different. They may cling to what they know the 9-11 age, and so it become a viscious cycle of alienation, isolation, immaturity, etc.

Has he created a thing he shakes around to entertain himself? Often something like a charmbracelet jingling talismin is created and they use that when stressed.

The best thing to do is role play with a peer who's understanding. He practices talking to a teenager who doesn't have his condition, and then learns to emulate them. A good way is to find a peer at church who is very spiritual and will take him under his wing. He'll get the normal kind of "goofy ideas" about girls from this boy peer, but then it will still be regular behavior.

Ideally, but hard to do, being able to talk to a teen girl as a peer who is spiritual and understanding will boost his self-worth. But he'll likely fall in love with her and get his feelings hurt.

In a Christian camp setting, there's lot of counselors who are college age, and they would take him under their wing and teach him. I hope he can go to one of those as he could really benefit, as long as he can connect with them.

Almost all social coping is LEARNED BEHAVIOR. Roleplaying is very helpful, even if he thinks it's dumb. Making it into a game by doing skit bags is one way to do that. Do you know what that is?

All of this does pertain to dating, by the way.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/22/2013 12:44 AM
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PENG, also regarding confidence, if he's small, he'll get picked on naturally like the pecking order of chickens. So, he especially needs to learn to wrestle, take a martial art with an attentive compassionate teacher, do some empowering things like rock climbing, etc.

All teens in tribal societies have rites of passage. They mark milestones of achievement in which they are initiated into the adult world. Try to create lots of these in your family. He needs them. He feels left behind, so he need to feel some goal has been achieved and the family recognizes his worth.

Goofy trophies are good. Taking special pictures that are flattering and putting them up. Going out for ice cream just because he did something right. Doing a challenge course as a family. Slapping on a temporary tattoo on his arm because he was tough that day. Fake medals. Get it? He needs those badly, because he's not getting them in school.

Most boys regardless of the way they interact with each other like soldiers. One thing you can do that's very empowering is, set a goal like doing 3 sets of 10 pushups. When he can do it without resting, make him rise from private to sergeant. Then increase it and advance him to lieutenant, and so on. You'd be surprised what a Title will do for a boy. If his name is John, you call him Sergeant John. It's respect and even if silly, he'll love it. When it gets harder and harder and he achieves Major John, he'll hold himself ramrod straight.

The whole time, his arms and chest will be filling out, because his body is fill of growth hormone and testosterone. It helps him build discipline. It centers him. It helps him focus. He'll notice he's becoming powerful.

Even some girls will like this. They actual strut around just because someone is calling them a "noble title". With girls you make it like orders of Princesses but at an earlier age like 7-11.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/22/2013 12:59 AM
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:02 PM
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:03 PM
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Don'tBeAfraid

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PENG,

Here's a couple of thoughts regarding your son.

1) Stuttering is often a brain processing problem. The brain "hears" the voice, but has an echo effect and so the voice is constantly hearing the echo and has difficulty and halts and sputters.

The military has actually made an echoing weapon which they point at a protestor speaking and this does the same thing and causes them to stutter. Looking for a video example. If so, I'll edit this post.

Here's a video showing a special hearing aid. It alters the pitch of the person's hearing, and so they stop stuttering.

[link to acfnewsource.org.s60463.gridserver.com]


Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/22/2013 06:09 PM
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PENG,

2) Even with hypotonia, he still can do exercises with very light weights. Find ways to reward him, but mostly to celebrate his new strength with a "trophy" as I mentioned before.


Even little things like hand exercisers, leg weights, you might have to sew up some sand in a pouch and attach it to his wrists or legs, and therefore make personallized ones.

You're creating new neural pathways of exercise=reward, not "My muscles are weak. I am tiny. I will never meet a girl who will like me."

Because he's smaller, he may end up being of shorter stature based upon being in a "lower percentile". Help him NOW to understand that he might not grow to be tall, but he can be big inside. It will take a very special lady to see that in him. The best way is to help develop his self-worth.

He has so many challenges that you have to just focus on one, look into his eyes, make good eye contact, speak slowly and intentionally to always build him up. Minimize criticism but also as he gets stronger, empower him by saying, "Yes, you have limitations, so do I, so does even the stronger man who's handsome." Find videos of strong handsome guys admitting times they felt low self-worth. Then he'll see he's the SAME as all others, even the most strong and handsome.

When someone feels different, you don't ignore the difference, for if you do, whatever you say...rings false.

What you do is help them realize all people feel different, and so they slowly process that they are the same in some ways.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/22/2013 06:36 PM
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Peng,
3) Make a skit bag. Inside the bag are goofy clothing, weird props, wigs, odd things you find, etc.

Then ask him and others like his sister or you to make a skit based upon the things inside the bag.

It encourages creative thinking and roleplay. Children need to learn how to "play". Now they mostly watch and so are passive. Role play by acting allows them to adopt a "new persona".

That persona is not them, and so they can be who they want to be, or they can make fun of someone, or they can practice what they would say if brave, etc.

This is a very powerful thing you can do intergenerationally (all people all ages). People need to play or else they get frustrated. We mostly play in social circumstances. When someone feels ostracized they can't "play" and so they retreat into their own minds. That gets worse and worse.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/22/2013 06:34 PM
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PENG,
4) Since he's afraid of social contact by himself, slowly withdraw from the circle of boys at Scots. Sit further back each time, going to another room, until finally you sit outside, and then don't end up going.

By being there, you're a constant reminder of his difference. You still can help by volunteering, but spending more time with other kids, and letting him become independent. Don't enable bad behavior, but support him. It's a fine line.

As a young man, he needs to become more assertive, and the more you enable him, the less assertive he will become.

Re the bird interest, he may enjoy ornithology. There's tons of bird sites with the calls they make.
[link to www.enature.com]

Closeups of feathers. the times they migrate. Interesting phenomena like murmuration by starlings.


Also he may like one of these as a reward:


There are very cheap one that wind up and fly for less than ten dollars.
[link to www.puzzlezoo.com]

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/22/2013 06:45 PM
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:04 PM
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:04 PM
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:05 PM
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Don'tBeAfraid

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PENG, we all have the capacity for being psychic, but not the silly kind, but in the Greek meaning of Psyche and using our whole soul to connect with another soul.

The more I talk to someone, the more I can "read" their soul, but being far away, it makes it difficult to do. This is why certain things resonate with you and how I am able to resonate with you.

I'm glad you're being a devoted mom. Believe in yourself.

The stuttering hearing aid is expensive and may not be covered by insurance. Try this. Have him put his finger in his ear, and then speak. He will hear his voice in a slightly different tone. Then he may stutter less.

Have him try singing the words at home slowly. That helps a lot of people. It alters the brain's processing of the sound.

Both these methods cost you nothing.

Have him try ear plugs while wrestling if the voices are interfering with learning. Then remove them to be taught. He still will hear, but it will be muffled and maybe will make it easier.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/22/2013 08:47 PM
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:05 PM
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Don'tBeAfraid

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Yeah we had to take headphones to the movie theaters because they were too loud. We've grow out of that. When he reads out loud he doesn't stutter. So interesting. Also if he plays by himself, he doesn't stutter. Just when speaking to people. I read alot about that.

It's so funny because I jumped all over you when you start posting this stuff. There are not many people at all who can pin it like you just did. Not even my extended family gets it! So you are few and far between!

He really like the bird video btw. :) And the second one we need up in a conversation about why these scientists don't get it..... I said dude, did you just hear them say they been working on this since the 70's? Lol.
 Quoting: PENG


When did you "jump all over me"? I recall no such criticsm.

I believe that when we meet our soul mate, that the reason sometimes we feel intense pleasure during lovemaking, we merge with their soul.

Sometimes when we connect with children we comprehend their soul and they comprehend what we are doing to merge with them. Children are very smart and in some ways more intuitive.

Sometimes we meet a "kindred spirit". That's a person who intuits our soul, and we intuit their soul. Our souls touch.
[link to www.ehow.com]

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/22/2013 09:23 PM
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/31/2013 12:33 AM
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Don'tBeAfraid

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No, I meant I jumped all over you to talk. Lol. My mouth was moving a mile a minute. :-D.

And yes, kindred spirit. I love that term. It helps interpret relationships I would not otherwise be able to explain.
 Quoting: PENG


You're adorable.
Don'tBeAfraid

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What do you want? What's your motivation for finding a soul mate?

A long time ago, a mentor asked me that question. I started to answer, but then stopped. I didn't want to give the wrong answer, but I did want to give an honest answer. I also wanted to give a complete answer.


Why am I looking for a soul mate?

I'm lonely...

A lot of us are lonely, but that cannot be the main motivation for finding a soul mate and for dating. If it is, then you've set the bar too low. You'll never find happiness that way, and of course will never find fulfillment.

I'm dating to find a spouse...

Well, that's a good start, but an incomplete answer. You want someone to share your life. For there to be a perpetual source of romance. But that's all about you, isn't it? It's a selfish desire.

I want to find someone that possesses honorable qualities, is attractive, and would be willing to commit to a long term relationship.

This is a good start, but an incomplete answer. You should only date someone who has the attributes above. If that person you're thinking of dating would not be a person you would consider being with long term, then why would you ever just date and hook up? It would be doomed to failure.

I have honorable qualities. I am kind, considerate, and caring. I would like to share those qualities with someone long term. Marriage sounds attractive and honorable. I'd like to have children, if they would like to have children. Even if they can't have children, I still would like to if they wish it and am willing to adopt. I want someone like me to share my life. I believe in myself and I want to believe in someone else. I have gifts and I want to be that gift for another person. I want someone who will reciprocate and share the totality of themselves with me, as I wish to share the totality of myself with them.

GOOD ANSWER. Move forward.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/22/2013 11:24 PM
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I'm not sure who upgraded me, but I hope you let me know. I'm humbled by your gift.
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/31/2013 12:33 AM
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Don'tBeAfraid

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No, I meant I jumped all over you to talk. Lol. My mouth was moving a mile a minute. :-D.

And yes, kindred spirit. I love that term. It helps interpret relationships I would not otherwise be able to explain.
 Quoting: PENG


You're adorable.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


So are you. :)
 Quoting: PENG


Well don't just say that, find me a gorgeous soul mate! God bless you. Writing more in a bit. 'Hoping Phoe's date was fantastic!

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/23/2013 09:05 PM
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Sex is not what you think it is

A lot of people date for sex. Sex is not what you imagine it is. People think sex is momentary passion in order to get a release and fulfills a biological need. Nope!

Good sex can easily last two hours not fifteen minutes of fumbling and disappointment.

Sex is a tiny aspect of romantic love. It is the culmination of the inner desire to merge your soul with another person's soul. It is “union” with them such that you forget where you (soul) begin and where they (soul) begin. It is a joyous event.

Most people think in terms of clitoris and nipples versus the whole person. Women think of sex as fulfilling the nerves of pleasure in the penis. Nope. If you're doing that, you're failing as a lover. Everybody, put a big L on your foreheads (LOSER). Now imagine that L is Lover. When you screw up think, “I'm committing to using my whole being to be a Lover.”

To achieve what Ultimate Reality(my term for God) desires for you, you have a long courtship with a soul mate. They resonate with you in continuous beat frequencies (see previous postings). You evoke that in the soul mate. You do it so much, that they want it to become permanent. They want and you want to commit to them. You want it to last and for the intensity of the experience to not only be as good as it is in the Eternal Now (moment), but also to get better over time as intimacy increases.

Instead, people experiment with sex in order to measure compatibility and to feel intense but transitory feelings. It won't be satisfactory, and that is such a mild tame term. Sex is supposed to be magnificent, bliss inducing, overpowering wave upon wave of orgasms. You can't find that without commitment and trust.

If you're dating, chances are that you have not felt that kind of orgasm outside of a soul mate's connection. It comes not when seeking pleasure, but from giving pleasure to them. You're using the totality of your body as a gift to them. This induces respect, honor, cherishing, tenderness, connection, and profound trust in that intimacy. Seldom will you find it outside of marriage. If you did find it, maybe you missed out by both of you intentionally failing to commit to each other. That was supposed to happen, and you and they let it slip through your fingers like sand.

A lot of guys will pressure women to have sex. But have you noticed Ladies that it usually isn't good sex? At best it's satisfactory, and that's cheating yourself and them of real pleasure.

A lot of guys have never spent an adequate time actually holding, stroking, massaging a Lady in order to make her heart (soul) so attuned to their heart (soul) that it makes them extremely wet and turned on and then and only then can they relax and let go and allow themselves to trust you and have powerful multiple orgasms.

The pudendal nerve branches through the clitoris and surrounds the labia and can be stimulated in the Gspot, but also in the rectum in some women. BUT that is not the goal. The goal is to stimulate her SOUL. Stimulate ALL OF HER.

Ladies, a guy's sexuality is not in the head of a penis. You want to stimulate all of him. You entice his desire. You oscillate between achieving orgasm and withdrawing from the intensity. If you learn to do that in your husband, there's no way he'll even look at another woman. An orgasm in a guy can last a long time, it's just that women and men have not learned how to do that. You assume it's brief. NOPE.

Unless you build all of the trust and commit to a lifetime relationship, chances are you won't experience what Ultimate Reality has planned for you. Sexual pleasure is a tiny but magnificent part.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/23/2013 10:50 PM
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What does a real woman look like? What doesn't she look like?


You were sold the idea that you were not what a real woman looks like. You bought into it. It preys upon your insecurity. As long as you believe it, the corporations can sell you products. Their pitch? "Buy this and you will then look like these models who are selling them."

The fact that those women have symmetrical faces and bodies based upon the Golden Ratio and probably make up only 35,000 of available women in the entire world of BILLIONS. They were born that way. They have real problems with relationships and low self-worth like you.

It's all a LIE. It's a huge conspiracy.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/24/2013 01:46 AM
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So do women want a real man? Or do they "say that"?

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How to be a real man


There's seven lessons there. Smart ones. Real practical advice.
Don'tBeAfraid

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The reason you're not finding the One is you don't recognize beauty when you see it



Learn to perceive with your soul, not your eyes.

When you can really make eye contact, not to see, but to pay attention with your whole being, then you are intently "looking" at them.

Then you will get glimmers of their beauty.

A lot of people will get screwed up and think all is ugly and bad. They will ruin their soul's ability to perceive. They will encounter one beautiful person after another, and yet never "see" them.

Your eyes are very limited. Look at this chart of the electromagnetic spectrum. Note the tiny band pointed out by the arrow.
[link to ed694.community.uaf.edu]
That's all your eyes can see.

Your eyes can't see much. If you keep practicing to use your Psyche and become psychic (learning to use your whole being=soul) then you can use your eyes to supplement. Later you can integrate all of your sense. But for now, use your Soul to see.

When you can use your Soul, then others who use their Soul, they can see your beauty in you.

Beauty is in the mind of the Beholder. Self-worth is within your grasp, but chances are, no matter what I say, you will not ever believe that you're Beautiful. I hope you can believe it someday.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/24/2013 02:17 AM
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:29 PM
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...


You're adorable.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


So are you. :)
 Quoting: PENG


Well don't just say that, find me a gorgeous soul mate! God bless you. Writing more in a bit. 'Hoping Phoe's date was fantastic!
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Where is your one?
 Quoting: PENG


Loooooooooooooong story.
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/31/2013 12:34 AM
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pops head in door....hi
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace"

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
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pops head in door....hi
 Quoting: pinkpixiexx


Hey hey! I look at the thread titles and wonder how in the hell I ended up in some of the conversations. They are random at best. Lol. And I'm usually confused where I am. I'm down to three I think. :))
Actually two. The dating thread looks like a drinking thread now. Lol

Last Edited by PENG on 01/24/2013 03:17 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."

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