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dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!

 
pinkpixiexx

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01/26/2013 07:16 AM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
Like Iron Hans or Iron John(see earlier postings on men) you cannot understand women unless you read the Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson.
[link to hca.gilead.org.il]
[link to i.telegraph.co.uk]
"The little mermaid drew back the crimson curtain of the tent, and beheld the fair bride with her head resting on the prince’s breast. She bent down and kissed his fair brow, then looked at the sky on which the rosy dawn grew brighter and brighter; then she glanced at the sharp knife, and again fixed her eyes on the prince, who whispered the name of his bride in his dreams. She was in his thoughts, and the knife trembled in the hand of the little mermaid: then she flung it far away from her into the waves; the water turned red where it fell, and the drops that spurted up looked like blood. She cast one more lingering, half-fainting glance at the prince, and then threw herself from the ship into the sea, and thought her body was dissolving into foam. The sun rose above the waves, and his warm rays fell on the cold foam of the little mermaid, who did not feel as if she were dying. She saw the bright sun, and all around her floated hundreds of transparent beautiful beings; she could see through them the white sails of the ship, and the red clouds in the sky; their speech was melodious, but too ethereal to be heard by mortal ears, as they were also unseen by mortal eyes. The little mermaid perceived that she had a body like theirs, and that she continued to rise higher and higher out of the foam. “Where am I?” asked she, and her voice sounded ethereal, as the voice of those who were with her; no earthly music could imitate it. "

Don't waste your time on the Disney santized version. That's a sweet fairy tale. The real story is rough and deep and anyone, male or female, could get a lot out of thinking about that story.

Read that, and I'll comment upon it later.

Guys reading these posts, you MUST read that story to understand your wives and girlfriends.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


When I was young I had the collection of Hans Christan Andersons (still have it) and The little mermaid was my favourite story, so haunting and sad but yet such a powerful story of love...I have had a love of mermaids ever since.

Last Edited by pinkpixiexx on 01/26/2013 07:17 AM
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace"

"Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/26/2013 06:35 PM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!


A lot of you feel burned out. I understand. We get our hearts broken and we think, "Ugh I just can't do it one more time..."

Here's an empowering video about the almost unlimited potential of the Human Spirit.

If that petite girl at the 28 second mark can grasp that rope and swing into the canyon, then you can try one more time to make it...

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/26/2013 06:38 PM
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/27/2013 12:41 AM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
Feminism has destroyed any allure of long term relationships for men. Believe it or not most men would love to find a traditional woman for that long term commitment. These days with women really not needing anything from men and often being just as predatory, with no required commitment such as marriage associated with the act of sex, there is simply no reason for a man to settle down, and much to fear financially and emotionally.

So to find what you want I suggest a different approach, propinquity. What kind of man do you want? Do you want someone who values the sanctity of marriage? Someone who will commit? If so then start attending a Bible believing church and join their singles group or join a ministry in the church that attracts men, e.g. outreach as an example.

Do you vainly feel that you need your man to be wealthy so that you can be taken care of? In that case take up golfing, or find work at a high end resort or find work in an investment bank or a law firm or volunteer at an art gallery, equestrian shows, vintage cars or some other venue that attracts men of wealth.

Another choice would be to join a dating service that attempts to match-make based on your personality profiles like e-harmony. I think you can still buy the services of professional matchmakers as well. In my mind there is some merit to this because the euphoria one feels at first contact is often a poor discriminator. The content changes of your posts in this thread alone are a good example.
 Quoting: SevenThunders

There's a lot of wisdom in this post.
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/27/2013 04:30 AM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
Even if you don't believe the Bible, if you but read it, then you can find the keys to Love:

"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.8 Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8

If you could do these simple things, then others will see you do those things and love you for doing them.

Love yourself and in doing so, learn to love your neighbors, for by that process, inevitably God is there also.
39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself. Matthew 22:39

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/27/2013 04:31 AM
PENG

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01/27/2013 10:56 AM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!


Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:14 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/27/2013 11:51 AM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
Phoe, I think you have some unusual stereotypical ideas about what a Christian male thinks. Labeling us "Bibletards" a real pejorative that comes what is a Holy Book of God's Word and making us a horrible name for someone who is mentally challenged" is both intellectually offensive as well as dishonest. I've been trying to help you for quite some time, and yet every time you say that term, for you know I am a deeply committed Christian, you offend me.

No intellectual in my rural state would ever use the term retard, as it would immediately be considered so offensive as to make people really be filled with disgust.

Trust me, in the aftermath of World War 2, American people made great generalizations about the German people, and yet only a handful of people of very low intellect make blanket statements about German people.

If you actually put away your preconceived ideas about Christians, you actually would then include more men into the available category. That would be to your benefit.

While I have continuously praised you, this aspect of your personality is actually repellant.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


What's going on my friend? Your last several posts on GLP have been a bit rough. I've read quite a few and this is new to me. .???
 Quoting: PENG


If you feel I am being rough with Phoe, then I wish you could hear me say those words. They are spoken with care. I have continuously praised her for many many posts. I hope you'll go back and read just how many compliments I have to her.

She is very lovely, has some gifts, and should go out and meet some fellows who will treat her better. She's accepting just any guy's attention, and I am saying what I would say to my sister.

I don't like this term "Bibletard". I am most generally not ornery (a word for ill-tempered like a mule in Kentucky), however associating God's Word in that way with a retarded person is "beyond the Pale" i.e. unacceptible behavior especially among friendly folks.
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

My other posts, no doubt you mean the exchange between CalmShock and myself in which he accused me of plagerizing a poem, which incensed me. My relatives are noblemen dating back to around 700AD and to call me a liar is upsetting.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/27/2013 12:42 PM
Anonymous Coward
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01/27/2013 12:15 PM
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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
Don'tBeAfraid, I've been following this thread for a while, back from the beginning when Phoe had a dating question. I believe your intentions are good, but where are they coming from? My earlier posts were in fact because I sensed something was off here. I should not have been round about, I was wrong to do so and apologize.

Some of the advice you have given I believe to be valid, but some I have seen I personally feel to be off the mark, or too tied up in stereotypes.

I have seen praise many women, trying to "boost" their self esteem, yet, when they do not respond in "bettering" themselves in a particular way, or if a flaw is sensed in someone, you seem to be very angry over it.

Why?

Do you deeply want a loving relationship with a like-minded person? Are you coming from a position that if you are the best person you can be and demand perfection from yourself it is what women want? Do you think you are less? Do you think the same things are to be expected from the opposite sex, and if they do not conform, they are not worthy? Where is your own personal bar, out of curiosity?

Perfection, of any kind, does not exist here in this state. It can be what we strive toward, and the impetus, but we lie to ourselves if we believe it attainable.

You are not less, you have a kindness about you and a genuine will to help others. I hope you find what you are looking for. Please don't be so hard on yourself though, and try not to be so hard on others. Not every book or every site out there has the answers, IMHO a lot of the information on trying to attract and keep a member of the opposite sex is faulty and manipulative. Just because you haven't found "that" person, doesn't mean you are doing something wrong, and so far as I feel, if someone else doesn't have that one in their lives either, it doesn't mean they have to be the epitome of desirability. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and I believe we should all work on the strengths we have, and what we wish will be naturally attracted to us. Otherwise, it's little more than trying to be something we are not.

As for Christianity, I am Christian as well, and my own faith is dear and important to me. There are people in every faith IMHO who take things far and turn off people in the process. I don't think Phoe meant you personally.

Just relax, be you, and don't sweat the small stuff. Life is too short. The above was said with much love, and genuine concern. I don't want you to be hurt by it, and I hope you are not. If you don't like me because of it, it's ok, I can take it.

Be happy! And be love. hugs

stoner
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/27/2013 12:40 PM

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Don'tBeAfraid, I've been following this thread for a while, back from the beginning when Phoe had a dating question. I believe your intentions are good, but where are they coming from? My earlier posts were in fact because I sensed something was off here. I should not have been round about, I was wrong to do so and apologize.

Some of the advice you have given I believe to be valid, but some I have seen I personally feel to be off the mark, or too tied up in stereotypes.

I have seen praise many women, trying to "boost" their self esteem, yet, when they do not respond in "bettering" themselves in a particular way, or if a flaw is sensed in someone, you seem to be very angry over it.

Why?

Do you deeply want a loving relationship with a like-minded person? Are you coming from a position that if you are the best person you can be and demand perfection from yourself it is what women want? Do you think you are less? Do you think the same things are to be expected from the opposite sex, and if they do not conform, they are not worthy? Where is your own personal bar, out of curiosity?

Perfection, of any kind, does not exist here in this state. It can be what we strive toward, and the impetus, but we lie to ourselves if we believe it attainable.

You are not less, you have a kindness about you and a genuine will to help others. I hope you find what you are looking for. Please don't be so hard on yourself though, and try not to be so hard on others. Not every book or every site out there has the answers, IMHO a lot of the information on trying to attract and keep a member of the opposite sex is faulty and manipulative. Just because you haven't found "that" person, doesn't mean you are doing something wrong, and so far as I feel, if someone else doesn't have that one in their lives either, it doesn't mean they have to be the epitome of desirability. We all have strengths and weaknesses, and I believe we should all work on the strengths we have, and what we wish will be naturally attracted to us. Otherwise, it's little more than trying to be something we are not.

As for Christianity, I am Christian as well, and my own faith is dear and important to me. There are people in every faith IMHO who take things far and turn off people in the process. I don't think Phoe meant you personally.

Just relax, be you, and don't sweat the small stuff. Life is too short. The above was said with much love, and genuine concern. I don't want you to be hurt by it, and I hope you are not. If you don't like me because of it, it's ok, I can take it.

Be happy! And be love. hugs

stoner
 Quoting: Junkyard Lily

JL, what I write isn't Gospel! I am not so presumptuous as to think I know all there is to know about dating. That would be hysterical.

All I know is what I have come to believe over many years. I encourage you to criticize what you disagree or agree with, or to jump in with your ideas. It is after all a simple a way to pass the time and explore the World of Ideas with each other in a dynamic way.

To be honest, I haven't been angry at all. I have been perturbed once by the term Bibletard. If someone had similarly made a pejorative about an atheist here, I likely would have come to their aid as well. I was hoping we were largely fostering a supportive environment, because so many have poor self-worth.

I honestly don't date someone based upon being perfection at all, rather I feel fortunate to be able to see beauty easily in almost anyone. As such, I probably have dated people who are all along that continuum from some who are quite plain but sweet, to those who possess complete facial symmetry and idealized form but lacking in charm or grace.

No one need be perfect, in fact I have written over and over that no one is.

EDIT: And JL, who would ever imagine you as anything other than a considerate gentle soul, and no doubt very beautiful as a result.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/27/2013 12:45 PM
PENG

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
If you feel I am being rough with Phoe, then I wish you could hear me say those words. They are spoken with care. I have continuously praised her for many many posts. I hope you'll go back and read just how many compliments I have to her.

She is very lovely, has some gifts, and should go out and meet some fellows who will treat her better. She's accepting just any guy's attention, and I am saying what I would say to my sister.

I don't like this term "Bibletard". I am most generally not ornery (a word for ill-tempered like a mule in Kentucky), however associating God's Word in that way with a retarded person is "beyond the Pale" i.e. unacceptible behavior especially among friendly folks.
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

My other posts, no doubt you mean the exchange between CalmShock and myself in which he accused me of plagerizing a poem, which incensed me. My relatives are noblemen dating back to around 700AD and to call me a liar is upsetting.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Well, I have read many of your posts and you compliment everyone. I see you are sensitive to what others need to hear. You just seem to be testy lately. And why do you think I wouldn't know what the word ornery or "beyond the pale" means? I'm not 12 and don't need a definition to everything.

There is no question you are wise, intelligent, and caring, but maybe for Phoe it just doesn't work for her.

And for bibletard, well, sticks n stones. The more you give it attention in any form, it becomes a credible word. And for CalmShock, he had to have been drinking. When I read that, I thought oh boy he's drunk. It wasn't kind what he said, but really? Again, the more energy you give it, the bigger it becomes.

Now come on, get nasty with me. I dare you! I give as good as I get. ;)

And I find you absolutely charming also! And whatever you do, do not smile. I mean it... Don't smile. Seriously, no smiling.





Don't smile. Stop it!


No smiling. None. Do not crack a grin, not even the slightest.... Do not do it. No laughing either. You can't do that either.


tounge

Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 03:34 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/27/2013 10:39 PM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
If you feel I am being rough with Phoe, then I wish you could hear me say those words. They are spoken with care. I have continuously praised her for many many posts. I hope you'll go back and read just how many compliments I have to her.

She is very lovely, has some gifts, and should go out and meet some fellows who will treat her better. She's accepting just any guy's attention, and I am saying what I would say to my sister.

I don't like this term "Bibletard". I am most generally not ornery (a word for ill-tempered like a mule in Kentucky), however associating God's Word in that way with a retarded person is "beyond the Pale" i.e. unacceptible behavior especially among friendly folks.
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

My other posts, no doubt you mean the exchange between CalmShock and myself in which he accused me of plagerizing a poem, which incensed me. My relatives are noblemen dating back to around 700AD and to call me a liar is upsetting.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Well, I have read many of your posts and you compliment everyone. I see you are sensitive to what others need to hear. You just seem to be testy lately. And why do you think I wouldn't know what the word ornery or "beyond the pale" means? I'm not 12 and don't need a definition to everything.

There is no question you are wise, intelligent, and caring, but maybe for Phoe it just doesn't work for her.

And for bibletard, well, sticks n stones. The more you give it attention in any form, it becomes a credible word. And for CalmShock, he had to have been drinking. When I read that, I thought oh boy he's drunk. It wasn't kind what he said, but really? Again, the more energy you give it, the bigger it becomes.

Now come on, get nasty with me. I dare you! I give as good as I get. ;)

And I find you absolutely charming also! And whatever you do, do not smile. I mean it... Don't smile. Seriously, no smiling.





Don't smile. Stop it!


No smiling. None. Do not crack a grin, not even the slightest.... Do not do it. No laughing either. You can't do that either.


tounge
 Quoting: PENG


No My Dear, since GLP is an international community, I often explain idioms since otherwise the terms are meaningless.
PENG

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01/27/2013 10:41 PM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
If you feel I am being rough with Phoe, then I wish you could hear me say those words. They are spoken with care. I have continuously praised her for many many posts. I hope you'll go back and read just how many compliments I have to her.

She is very lovely, has some gifts, and should go out and meet some fellows who will treat her better. She's accepting just any guy's attention, and I am saying what I would say to my sister.

I don't like this term "Bibletard". I am most generally not ornery (a word for ill-tempered like a mule in Kentucky), however associating God's Word in that way with a retarded person is "beyond the Pale" i.e. unacceptible behavior especially among friendly folks.
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

My other posts, no doubt you mean the exchange between CalmShock and myself in which he accused me of plagerizing a poem, which incensed me. My relatives are noblemen dating back to around 700AD and to call me a liar is upsetting.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Well, I have read many of your posts and you compliment everyone. I see you are sensitive to what others need to hear. You just seem to be testy lately. And why do you think I wouldn't know what the word ornery or "beyond the pale" means? I'm not 12 and don't need a definition to everything.

There is no question you are wise, intelligent, and caring, but maybe for Phoe it just doesn't work for her.

And for bibletard, well, sticks n stones. The more you give it attention in any form, it becomes a credible word. And for CalmShock, he had to have been drinking. When I read that, I thought oh boy he's drunk. It wasn't kind what he said, but really? Again, the more energy you give it, the bigger it becomes.

Now come on, get nasty with me. I dare you! I give as good as I get. ;)

And I find you absolutely charming also! And whatever you do, do not smile. I mean it... Don't smile. Seriously, no smiling.





Don't smile. Stop it!


No smiling. None. Do not crack a grin, not even the slightest.... Do not do it. No laughing either. You can't do that either.


tounge
 Quoting: PENG


No My Dear, since GLP is an international community, I often explain idioms since otherwise the terms are meaningless.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Oh for Pete's sake! Did you smile even once?? huffy
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/27/2013 10:44 PM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
If you feel I am being rough with Phoe, then I wish you could hear me say those words. They are spoken with care. I have continuously praised her for many many posts. I hope you'll go back and read just how many compliments I have to her.

She is very lovely, has some gifts, and should go out and meet some fellows who will treat her better. She's accepting just any guy's attention, and I am saying what I would say to my sister.

I don't like this term "Bibletard". I am most generally not ornery (a word for ill-tempered like a mule in Kentucky), however associating God's Word in that way with a retarded person is "beyond the Pale" i.e. unacceptible behavior especially among friendly folks.
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

My other posts, no doubt you mean the exchange between CalmShock and myself in which he accused me of plagerizing a poem, which incensed me. My relatives are noblemen dating back to around 700AD and to call me a liar is upsetting.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Well, I have read many of your posts and you compliment everyone. I see you are sensitive to what others need to hear. You just seem to be testy lately. And why do you think I wouldn't know what the word ornery or "beyond the pale" means? I'm not 12 and don't need a definition to everything.

There is no question you are wise, intelligent, and caring, but maybe for Phoe it just doesn't work for her.

And for bibletard, well, sticks n stones. The more you give it attention in any form, it becomes a credible word. And for CalmShock, he had to have been drinking. When I read that, I thought oh boy he's drunk. It wasn't kind what he said, but really? Again, the more energy you give it, the bigger it becomes.

Now come on, get nasty with me. I dare you! I give as good as I get. ;)

And I find you absolutely charming also! And whatever you do, do not smile. I mean it... Don't smile. Seriously, no smiling.





Don't smile. Stop it!


No smiling. None. Do not crack a grin, not even the slightest.... Do not do it. No laughing either. You can't do that either.


tounge
 Quoting: PENG


No My Dear, since GLP is an international community, I often explain idioms since otherwise the terms are meaningless.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Oh for Pete's sake! Did you smile even once?? huffy
 Quoting: PENG


You know I did. You immediately sensed it. I wrote you a poem by the way.
PENG

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01/27/2013 11:11 PM

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...


Well, I have read many of your posts and you compliment everyone. I see you are sensitive to what others need to hear. You just seem to be testy lately. And why do you think I wouldn't know what the word ornery or "beyond the pale" means? I'm not 12 and don't need a definition to everything.

There is no question you are wise, intelligent, and caring, but maybe for Phoe it just doesn't work for her.

And for bibletard, well, sticks n stones. The more you give it attention in any form, it becomes a credible word. And for CalmShock, he had to have been drinking. When I read that, I thought oh boy he's drunk. It wasn't kind what he said, but really? Again, the more energy you give it, the bigger it becomes.

Now come on, get nasty with me. I dare you! I give as good as I get. ;)

And I find you absolutely charming also! And whatever you do, do not smile. I mean it... Don't smile. Seriously, no smiling.





Don't smile. Stop it!


No smiling. None. Do not crack a grin, not even the slightest.... Do not do it. No laughing either. You can't do that either.


tounge
 Quoting: PENG


No My Dear, since GLP is an international community, I often explain idioms since otherwise the terms are meaningless.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Oh for Pete's sake! Did you smile even once?? huffy
 Quoting: PENG


You know I did. You immediately sensed it. I wrote you a poem by the way.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid



Wellll, I wasn't sure for sure for sure for SURE. ;)). Soooooooo, are you looking for someone? Your soulmate? Or did she pass by? I'm surprised you haven't found someone at church. Oh that's right you are taking a break like everyone else here. Well, how long then? Until you start looking again?

A poem? Ah. On the other thread? You know, I love poems. I think they are better than letters. I'd love to get input from ladies here if they would rather have a poem or a letter. I think poems tell the story so much better than a letter from the heart. Do you understand what I mean? I've had letters written to me, but just one poem by some guy n college and that one poem is what I remember. Well, not verbatim, but it had the most impact. And I feel so bad because I didn't handle that well at the time and it took tremendous guts to expose himself in that poem. Very raw and heartfelt.
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/27/2013 11:42 PM

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...


No My Dear, since GLP is an international community, I often explain idioms since otherwise the terms are meaningless.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Oh for Pete's sake! Did you smile even once?? huffy
 Quoting: PENG


You know I did. You immediately sensed it. I wrote you a poem by the way.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid



Wellll, I wasn't sure for sure for sure for SURE. ;)). Soooooooo, are you looking for someone? Your soulmate? Or did she pass by? I'm surprised you haven't found someone at church. Oh that's right you are taking a break like everyone else here. Well, how long then? Until you start looking again?

A poem? Ah. On the other thread? You know, I love poems. I think they are better than letters. I'd love to get input from ladies here if they would rather have a poem or a letter. I think poems tell the story so much better than a letter from the heart. Do you understand what I mean? I've had letters written to me, but just one poem by some guy n college and that one poem is what I remember. Well, not verbatim, but it had the most impact. And I feel so bad because I didn't handle that well at the time and it took tremendous guts to expose himself in that poem. Very raw and heartfelt.
 Quoting: PENG

I could be persuaded by the right Lady. Actually I've been flirting with Krystal.
PENG

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01/27/2013 11:46 PM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
There! It's all gone now!

Last Edited by PENG on 01/27/2013 11:54 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/27/2013 11:50 PM

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
Wellll, I wasn't sure for sure for sure for SURE. ;)). Soooooooo, are you looking for someone? Your soulmate? Or did she pass by? I'm surprised you haven't found someone at church. Oh that's right you are taking a break like everyone else here. Well, how long then? Until you start looking again?

A poem? Ah. On the other thread? You know, I love poems. I think they are better than letters. I'd love to get input from ladies here if they would rather have a poem or a letter. I think poems tell the story so much better than a letter from the heart. Do you understand what I mean? I've had letters written to me, but just one poem by some guy n college and that one poem is what I remember. Well, not verbatim, but it had the most impact. And I feel so bad because I didn't handle that well at the time and it took tremendous guts to expose himself in that poem. Very raw and heartfelt.
 Quoting: PENG

I could be persuaded by the right Lady. Actually I've been flirting with Krystal.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


If you were my friend on the phone right now, you know what I would say? You suck! It's not nearly as much fun if you don't give a little.
 Quoting: PENG


You screwed the quoting there Honey. I fixed it for you.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/27/2013 11:50 PM
PENG

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01/27/2013 11:53 PM

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Wellll, I wasn't sure for sure for sure for SURE. ;)). Soooooooo, are you looking for someone? Your soulmate? Or did she pass by? I'm surprised you haven't found someone at church. Oh that's right you are taking a break like everyone else here. Well, how long then? Until you start looking again?

A poem? Ah. On the other thread? You know, I love poems. I think they are better than letters. I'd love to get input from ladies here if they would rather have a poem or a letter. I think poems tell the story so much better than a letter from the heart. Do you understand what I mean? I've had letters written to me, but just one poem by some guy n college and that one poem is what I remember. Well, not verbatim, but it had the most impact. And I feel so bad because I didn't handle that well at the time and it took tremendous guts to expose himself in that poem. Very raw and heartfelt.
 Quoting: PENG

I could be persuaded by the right Lady. Actually I've been flirting with Krystal.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


If you were my friend on the phone right now, you know what I would say? You suck! It's not nearly as much fun if you don't give a little.
 Quoting: PENG


You screwed the quoting there Honey. I fixed it for you.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Really? You are trying to irritate me. So can you read it better now?
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/28/2013 01:26 AM

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...

I could be persuaded by the right Lady. Actually I've been flirting with Krystal.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


If you were my friend on the phone right now, you know what I would say? You suck! It's not nearly as much fun if you don't give a little.
 Quoting: PENG


You screwed the quoting there Honey. I fixed it for you.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Really? You are trying to irritate me. So can you read it better now?
 Quoting: PENG


Now who's touchy! You need to be chased and tickled.
Don'tBeAfraid

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Re: dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!
Understanding how dating got so screwed up

Prior to 1920 or so, there was a shift in education practices in the USA. Likely that happened within your own countries as well. Public education began to be promoted in order to unify practices but the intention was not a good one. The main goal was to create worker bees for industry, and they needed an educated workforce that would assimilate well into industry or the military.

Prior to that period, education happened mostly to the wealthy through private education and institutions. In addition, in some frontier areas, education began to happen in order to give the local children a way to cope with life, and possibly to prepare the local village with professionals and workers.

Prior to that happening, most young people got married at an early age than today. There were no teenagers, not really. Those young people went through the normal changes of puberty, began having feelings as they transitioned into adulthood, and then attracted the attention of other young people and married. Then they began their own families.

This is why from 1920 on, we've had to rediscover human relationships through dating. It wasn't the normal way of meeting others at all. People didn't date ten or more people before marriage. People didn't have lots of sexual experiences before marriage. Some had some experiences in dating and sex, but it was unusual. In most cases people married someone early who asked them, and often it was based more upon practicality and security.

The ideas of romantic love are ancient, but seldom in history did they happen. Romance did happen over time as married people got used to each other and developed feelings. Otherwise, it was the rare childhood sweetheart or the luck of finding a soul mate that allowed romance to happen.

Today all of that has changed. I want you to think back on how you felt at 14,15,16, 17, and then realize how different your lives would have been in 1880. It would have been remarkably different, and this is why you feel certain frustrations now.

I'm not saying that those ways are better, because finding romance and a soul mate is ideal. By definition its about putting the Beloved's goals ahead of your own. The mistake of the sixties was becoming self-absorbed in pleasure for the Self. That attention of course interfered with the natural goal of finding a soul mate.

This is why anyone who has teenagers needs to understand what they are going through that no young person prior to 1920 would have gone through. It's why we need new paradigms that recognize what they're feeling then, and figure out ways to protect them and also to understand them and to communicate with them.

If you're 35 and wondering why you still haven't found a soul mate, then much of it is a result of believing what you saw in media. There, you saw idealized human beings with a variety of false situations experiencing love in bizarre ways. Probably 90% of those situations are incredibly damaging and unrealistic depictions of romance.

The only way to find romance is to flush out that crap. All of that crap was about selling you products by supplying you with depictions of romance. I hope you see that.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/28/2013 11:53 PM
Charlott

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01/29/2013 09:48 AM

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Oh you’re so nice, thank you.

No I don’t mind answering questions. He is separated from his wife now, but he wasn’t when I started seeing him. As far as I know they have not gotten attorneys yet, or filed for anything. For the longest I thought I was doing him some harm, or their marriage, but he always told me it wasn’t me, he had spent so much time away while he was in the army that they didn’t get along anymore. I do love him, and it’s nice being able to spend so much time with him now. I don’t know about marriage yet. I’d like to get married someday, but don’t know if I am ready for that. I would like to see him get his divorce, but at the same time I don’t want to be pushy about it either. When he separated from his wife, is when the relationship became more serious.
 Quoting: Charlott


You're welcome.

Dating someone who wasn't separated is not a good way to begin a relationship. Since they still are dwelling with their spouse, then their attention is not wholly focused upon you. That distraction is not a good thing by any means.

Since that time, he separated, and likely your relationship is part of that process, and that also is not good. When dating you have to examine not only your feelings, for that would be selfish, but also care about his feelings and in many respects caring more for him than yourself is the partial definition of true romance and love.

Getting a divorce is a major financial and mental and physical and spiritual decision. It requires deep contemplation, and yet for many it's a snap decision. The fact that he's still deliberating and hasn't gotten an attorney should be troubling to you. In some respects it means he contemplating it, which can be positive or negative.

Yes, separation must exist for a relationship to happen, but more so, a divorce must happen and then time to process “why” a divorce happened is essential to not making the same mistakes.

When someone is very lonely and going through both the isolation of being a soldier plus the process of discovering that a marriage is ending, then that person will grasp for any love which they can find. That's not a positive for you.

What would be a positive would be a man who has settled down, examined all of his feelings, and decided to make a course change in his journey and to see you as someone who he could journey with. That implies “togetherness”.

I hope you deeply examine your rationale for dating a married man. It's not an auspicious beginning. I'm saying that not as a criticism, but as someone who genuinely hopes you find real romance and friendship and a soul mate.

Think about what his qualities are and why you are attracted to him.

Would you say that you have high self-worth? I hope you read my previous posts. I believe they could help you process your feelings.

By the way, I'm totally seperating out my Christian identity and only discussing this with you from a friendly psychological perspective.

Since marriages last seven years with a 50% divorce rate (many nations), then it's not entered into lightly. A long courtship can be a good thing, but wasn't done historically for many. Look for an upcoming post on that.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Thank you for an honest answer. You've given me alot to think about. To be honest alot of what you said I already knew somehow but I guess I needed someone to say it. I happen to like your Christian perspective btw, and I hope my situation didn't offend you. I was almost hesitant to even say anything for fear of what it makes me look like.
Charlotte :)
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/29/2013 10:12 AM

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Thank you for an honest answer. You've given me alot to think about. To be honest alot of what you said I already knew somehow but I guess I needed someone to say it. I happen to like your Christian perspective btw, and I hope my situation didn't offend you. I was almost hesitant to even say anything for fear of what it makes me look like.
 Quoting: Charlott


My Dear Charlotte, you'll never get judgement from me, or hopefully from other Christians. You can't offend me unless you were to just out and out stereotype me. I won't stereotype you.

You must begin a relationship by having high self-worth. If you feel guilty, then automatically you feel second or third class, and that will doom your relationship. Please read through my earlier posts. Getting higher self-worth is vital to having healthy relationships and connecting with a soul mate. Unless you know your needs and positive attributes, then how will you communicate that to others?

We fall in love with people and it can sweep us off our feet. Little of it is logical or planned. That's not the nature of romance. The problem is reciprocity. Does he love you with the same depth or more? If not, Honey, then you're liable to get your feeling smashed upon rocks. I just don't want that to happen.

Dating a married person is complex. First you know he has a history of a commited relationship, so many women love that he's got possibilities, so you're not dating someone who's incapable of making a commitment. You need to absolutely understand why he's divorcing. I hope he's not just 7 years into it and bored.

Second, are there children involved? If so, then that's very complex, and you should know right away that this will be a perpetual issue. You'll have to suck it up a lot, for if you criticize his kids, then the normal response is to get in the middle and you lose each time. Children can be half-way kind, but feel terribly conflicted, and by the time they get to their teen year (see the previous posting) when they desperately want affirmation and romance of their own, your presence makes them think of failure and their mom and dad's failure, and so they hate you at times.

Third, a lot of women who fall in love with a married man are younger. As a result they like his experiences with everything and so sometimes people feel like dating them gives them an intensity of all of that at once. If that's case, then there will be issues at certain times because he's older and in a different stage of life, and so you might find that when ten years have passed, he's acting older and it's not so attractive then.

Fourth, a married man doesn't have the same rough edges as a single guy, because he's been in a relationship and understands more about human dynamics, courtship, the importance of eye contact and romantic gestures, has made love to one person for awhile and learned to read her body language and sense of pleasure.

Fifth, there's always a chance because of the finances, children, guilt, his parents, her health, his religion, his shared experiences, etc that he will go back. Then where will you be?

You should write more. I will definitely come back and look for your posts. I won't criticize you, but I might ask very tough questions, not to make you feel guilty, but to make you examine your motivations and really decide, "Do you love this man? Does he love you? Do you both love each other enough that you could see a future with him as he is today?" If not, then you're probably with the wrong person. A lot of women think they can "fix him" because "if only these things were different, then he'd be fine. So I'll keep dating him, stay after him, and slowly change him." That never works. He'll sense it and resist change.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/29/2013 10:16 AM
Charlott

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01/29/2013 03:46 PM

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Thanks, You've really given me alot to think about. I've been looking through you previous posts, theres alot to read, and haven't been thru all of them yet. I suspect you may have known, if not he is alot older than me. He is 45, and in fact has 3 sons, one of whom is about a year younder than me, another who is 21, and one who is 19. You know it all started as something not so serious. At first he was someone who I could be with, and not be so lonley, but something not too serious with the burdon of schoolwork. I know that must make me look really bad, but its the truth. I always enjoyed talking to him, we have alot of the same interests, and in fact met in an anthropology class. I think maybe you are right about being more refined. Not someone who I even felt like he needed 'fixing'.Its different from alot of younger guys. Latey its been getting more serious, I don't know where its going. I do love him, and he says he loves me too. As far as his marriage, he tells me they were waiting for their kids to be grown, and they had always planned on seperating. Maybe he's just telling me that? I don't think he would lie about it though. They were way past the 7 year mark though, past 20 years in fact.I do worry sometimes that he will go back.

Oh I tried to quote just a portion of the above response, but I don't know how to do that, sorry.

Last Edited by Charlott on 01/29/2013 03:48 PM
Charlotte :)
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/29/2013 03:57 PM

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Thanks, You've really given me alot to think about. I've been looking through you previous posts, theres alot to read, and haven't been thru all of them yet. I suspect you may have known, if not he is alot older than me. He is 45, and in fact has 3 sons, one of whom is about a year younder than me, another who is 21, and one who is 19. You know it all started as something not so serious. At first he was someone who I could be with, and not be so lonley, but something not too serious with the burdon of schoolwork. I know that must make me look really bad, but its the truth. I always enjoyed talking to him, we have alot of the same interests, and in fact met in an anthropology class. I think maybe you are right about being more refined. Not someone who I even felt like he needed 'fixing'.Its different from alot of younger guys. Latey its been getting more serious, I don't know where its going. I do love him, and he says he loves me too. As far as his marriage, he tells me they were waiting for their kids to be grown, and they had always planned on seperating. Maybe he's just telling me that? I don't think he would lie about it though. They were way past the 7 year mark though, past 20 years in fact.I do worry sometimes that he will go back.

Oh I tried to quote just a portion of the above response, but I don't know how to do that, sorry.
 Quoting: Charlott


Oh Charlotte, sometimes when I talk to people, I get a sense of what they're going through. I call it using my whole soul to perceive them.

My dear, there's such a vast gap in your ages. Of course it is possible, but he has passed the peak of his youth, and quite frankly is now middle aged, isn't that correct? While you are in the first flower of your loveliness and innocence. Of course he has fallen for you.

It's lame to say he's waiting for his sons! His sons are MEN, not seven year old boys, but old enough to easily cope with divorce.

Of course his maturity is attractive. Actually, you may find another young man closer to your age can be quite mature as well as share all of your same generational attributes.

I don't know if you're a spiritual person. If so, I hope you take this to God in prayer. If not, you should talk to a very trusted mentor about this. That way they can help you process your feelings.

It doesn't seem to be a situation where you are being cared for with the utmost respect. To make a friendship with an older man, and then an honorable man would praise you and build you up, but not seduce you. It really is a boundary violation, and only after a long long time after being divorced and then slowly courting you would you know that he'd struggled with the age difference and devoted himself to you. To jump into a relationship with such a age gap, it seems irresponsible of him. I know you're an adult and he's an adult, but it seem unfair to toy with your feelings when he cannot commit to you solely.

Tell me more. I think that marrying someone that much older with children will be overwhelming to you.

I'm sure that you have so very much to offer, and I hope you'll keep reading what I wrote earlier.

I'm not criticizing you, for my perception of you is that you possess a great capacity to love, for your soul is able to see into him. That is a great gift, Charlotte. I hope you lavish that on someone who equally can see into your soul. Is this man, that person?

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/29/2013 04:11 PM
PENG

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01/30/2013 12:28 PM

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Last Edited by PENG on 01/31/2013 01:15 AM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/30/2013 12:41 PM

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...


Smart! Hardware stores makes sense for Ladies. I'm in there all the time, and I admit to winking and talking to some, especially when they seem helpless and friendly. Very smart!
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


LOL Was that you in Home Depot yesterday?

Oooooh, pubs, sports pubs! Every time my girlfriend and I go to a restaurant just for a drink, we go to the bar. I swear that's where the single men hang out as we are always approached when we go. In Atlanta there are lots of high end restaurants with bars attached. Guys go there after work just to chill with themselves or a friend.

My friend and I went to Adam Lamberts concert a couple years ago and stopped at a nice bar. Good god, all drinks were paid for. Not that I needed that it guys are still super nice, just have to find the good ones. :).
 Quoting: PENG


It might be good for a woman's ego, but hardly a place to meet a good guy. That's only for a fling, and hopefully not anything I'm encouraging. That's how we got in the mess we're in now as a society.

Stick to hardware stores. You need guys who are handymen, and handy at fixing broken hearts.

And no, I'm always in Lowe's. Something always needs fixin'.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


No it's not always a fling. Two guys I dated for a period, I met at a pub. Not a dive. Nice guys. Just ended up talking and having fun, then dated for a few months. It's a fling if you let it be a fling. I stopped dating those two because I has my hands full with other things at the time. Omg and newsflash, i wasn't intimate with either during each dating period) And I met my husband at a bar. .... Actually I was told to go and meet him. Lol.

Unless she works at the store, it's not exactly an ideal singles meetup. More than half who go there are married also. And some of them are downright sketchy.

Ands that's just disrespectful and silly to say its good for a woman's ego.
 Quoting: PENG


I stand by my statement. Bars are lousy places to meet quality people. Are there quality people in bars? Yes, as long as there's one in a bar, then logically when debating you have to say there are some present.
PENG

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01/30/2013 01:06 PM

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Respect.
hf

Last Edited by PENG on 01/31/2013 12:27 AM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/30/2013 01:20 PM

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...


It might be good for a woman's ego, but hardly a place to meet a good guy. That's only for a fling, and hopefully not anything I'm encouraging. That's how we got in the mess we're in now as a society.

Stick to hardware stores. You need guys who are handymen, and handy at fixing broken hearts.

And no, I'm always in Lowe's. Something always needs fixin'.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


No it's not always a fling. Two guys I dated for a period, I met at a pub. Not a dive. Nice guys. Just ended up talking and having fun, then dated for a few months. It's a fling if you let it be a fling. I stopped dating those two because I has my hands full with other things at the time. Omg and newsflash, i wasn't intimate with either during each dating period) And I met my husband at a bar. .... Actually I was told to go and meet him. Lol.

Unless she works at the store, it's not exactly an ideal singles meetup. More than half who go there are married also. And some of them are downright sketchy.

Ands that's just disrespectful and silly to say its good for a woman's ego.
 Quoting: PENG


I stand by my statement. Bars are lousy places to meet quality people. Are there quality people in bars? Yes, as long as there's one in a bar, then logically when debating you have to say there are some present.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


My family grew up in the restaurant business and many are regulars who are there to just hang out, watch sports, and be with friends. Nice people. I've met some really nice people in bars. Are you referring more to nightclub type bars?

Why must you behave unreasonable and obstinate? You sound bitter to it all. I'm not talking about drunks hanging out stalking weak women.

I do enjoy how you infuriate me in an odd, cute way though.
hf
 Quoting: PENG


You know the interesting difference between you and me PENG? You insult me, with the bolded statements, but I don't return that to you.

I'm not a prude. I've been to bars. It's not a place that I would go to meet people. I'm answering honestly. I didn't say you were a bad person, questioned your morals, all the things implied. I don't judge people. Bars are well known for hook up places. That's not a revelation I'm bringing up.

The kind of guys that hang in bars, I'm nothing like them.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/30/2013 01:21 PM
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Last Edited by PENG on 01/31/2013 12:28 AM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."
Don'tBeAfraid

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01/30/2013 01:32 PM

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...


I stand by my statement. Bars are lousy places to meet quality people. Are there quality people in bars? Yes, as long as there's one in a bar, then logically when debating you have to say there are some present.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


My family grew up in the restaurant business and many are regulars who are there to just hang out, watch sports, and be with friends. Nice people. I've met some really nice people in bars. Are you referring more to nightclub type bars?

Why must you behave unreasonable and obstinate? You sound bitter to it all. I'm not talking about drunks hanging out stalking weak women.

I do enjoy how you infuriate me in an odd, cute way though.
hf
 Quoting: PENG


You know the interesting difference between you and me PENG? You insult me, with the bolded statements, but I don't return that to you.

I'm not a prude. I've been to bars. It's not a place that I would go to meet people. I'm answering honestly. I didn't say you were a bad person, questioned your morals, all the things implied. I don't judge people. Bars are well known for hook up places. That's not a revelation I'm bringing up.

The kind of guys that hang in bars, I'm nothing like them.
 Quoting: Don'tBeAfraid


Oh that's not true though. I think the difference is that I say it how I see it, but not nearly as eloquently as you say how you see it. You have opinions also that aren't always flattering. You are stubborn! Are you going to deny that? I did not say you were a prude. Quite the contrary. We all judge people, in our own way. It's part of being human, but you know that obviously.
*sigh*. I apologize if I insulted you. It certainly was not my intention. You don't get my humor because you've never met me. Honestly, I haver never been accused of insulting someone. That's a first. :(
 Quoting: PENG


Unreasonable: Not guided by or based on good sense. Beyond the limits of acceptability or fairness.

Obstinate: Stubbornly refusing to change one's opinion or action, despite attempts to persuade one to do so.(of an unwelcome phenomenon or situation) Very difficult to change or overcome.

I am neither of those things. They are insulting.

On the other hand, I have continuously built up everyone here, an only on one occasion have I criticized one person briefly, and then immediately also praised her good qualities. Even then it was in response to a pejorative aimed at Christians.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/30/2013 01:33 PM
PENG

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Last Edited by PENG on 01/30/2013 11:55 PM
"May the road rise up to meet you.... May the wind be always at your back..."