dating&romance advice - see Don´tBeAfraid´s tips/explanations - edited to have only the useful information for ya!

HeHe.....I know....but the titles don't always mean much...lol

No the dating thread is still fun...just drink pops up every now and then..lol...gradually getting a few more people popping in too....

Last Edited by *PinkPixie* on 01/24/2013 03:25 PM

Damn..I edited it ...but too late...lol...I haven't been drinking ...honest...lol

Maybe someday. There's a ton of pain there. Not my fault actually. Anyway, I promised not to make a spectacle of her faults, and a gentleman doesn't talk about such things.

No Honey, I don't put up barriers to relationships. There's no benefit to putting up walls or impediments. The goal is to remove them.

I got my heart busted up, and have been in a holding pattern for a bit. When the time is right and I meet the right one, I'll start dating again.

The problem isn't finding someone to date, for there are many wonderful ladies around, it's more complex and also hard to decide whether I'll stay here or not. I'm up for a change of scenery. Maybe I'll go on a walkabout like the aborigines do to clear my head.
[link to en.wikipedia.org]

[link to www.metrolyrics.com]

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/24/2013 11:44 PM

When the heart (soul) is broken

Sometimes we find someone very special. We decide to risk letting them see our whole being. They decide they like that hidden part of us, plus the part they already knew. They show their hidden aspects too, for now they feel braver.

Both lovers are filled with bliss. It's the magical time of romance when the intimacy is so heightened as to be beyond belief. We become giddy with it, completely intoxicated by their love.

Then, because people are human, time passes and maybe some very ugly aspects are revealed that were buried inside them. Some old habits emerge, sabotaging ones that damage the relationship. They do something, and we ignore it. They do it again, and it's clear they have problems. We rush to their aid, for we love them. They stagger and stumble, and sometimes are so weakened by their past and bad habits that no matter what we do, we can't "fix them".

Often they won't fix themselves. The best we can do is help them because we love them, and then once healed, walk away. For if we stay, we will enable them again. And to stay would not be good for them, nor for us.
[link to www.hitchedmag.com]

It crushes us, makes us melt, like Amelie in this scene. All people should watch that French masterpiece of cinema about the quirkiness of romance. You'll laugh and laugh, and then realize you're laughing at yourself. Then having done that, you accept the times you yourself made mistakes like Amelie.


Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/25/2013 12:10 AM

Yes Goof. I'm a guy, a rowdy masculine guy that's fairly lean and well educated and well spoken. Obviously spiritual. Given to being sensitive and considerate. Handy around the house or farm at repairing things. Practiced at long term relationships (and a few passionate affairs too for I'm human).
[link to www.elyrics.net]
And no I have a full head of hair!
One sweet country lady told me this song is about me.


Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/25/2013 12:05 AM

Removing barriers, but keeping things mysterious

When first the Fox saw the Lion he was terribly frightened, and ran away and hid himself in the wood. Next time however he came near the King of Beasts he stopped at a safe distance and watched him pass by. The third time they came near one another the Fox went straight up to the Lion and passed the time of day with him, asking him how his family were, and when he should have the pleasure of seeing him again; then turning his tail, he parted from the Lion without much ceremony. Aesop c. 620-564 B.C.

Familiarity breeds contempt. You've heard it said. You've seen it happen in others. You've had it happen to you or you did it as a result of being with someone long enough.

Why does it happen? The dirty secret is humans get bored too easily. How many times have you as a teenager or as a parent of a teenager hears your teen say, “I'm bored...”? They're bored because of familiarity.

We can't change that. It's an essential aspect of being human. We innately wish to be entertained with progressive newness and sometimes desiring shocking things to startle us.

It's why horror films, comedy, drama, tragedy, action, tear-jerkers, etc are all entertaining. They are newness in a world that seems staid and boring. We don't want stability, we want something novel.

Aha! This should be an epiphany moment. This should be like icy cold water in the shower on a Winter morning in an unheated cabin.

Women desire stability and will work really hard to get it. Men don't want stability and will resist it. When it happens in a relationship, there's momentary catharsis from the struggle and then relief and bliss and often tears, but then things get slower and slower and less interesting and people yawn, and then....a breakup.

Despite what you know to be true, you'll read some stupid book on “How to be your husbands' best friend”. You'll replace the sexy chased seductress that enticed him with the girl next door and become a doormat.

Or for the guys, you'll read endless magazines written for women to women, and then think that is you understand women and can become their best friend, then you can catch a hot one. What happens, you caught the kiss of death, and then you'll hear in horror the worst thing a woman can say, “I don't feel attracted to you that way...let's just be friends. You're such a great guy friend.” ARGHHHHHHHH!!!

You need to keep things off-kilter. You need to make things mysterious. You need to make things novel. You need to run to them, then run away, and so the chase is perpetual.

As long as a relationship is an eternal sense of wonder about the Other, then they will keep coming back for more. If you make all your mystery dissipate, then they will be bored and move on. They will especially move on if a guy.

NOTE: We don't keep secrets from one another, for that is not good and is an impediment to intimacy. But you also don't reveal every little minutia that demystifies the supernatural attraction that she feels for you and likewise the magical attraction that you feel for her will be diminished if you know everything about her. Don't do it.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/25/2013 05:00 AM

Little Sister, as you get older, you realize from seeing your friends over and over getting divorced that most people are broken-hearted in the end. As such as any person entering into new relationships over time, it's almost impossible to enter into a relationship with a pristine woman who hasn't had her heart broken. She didn't exist in a vacuum under glass, but is a real human being who once was in a series of relationship, all of which ended either by death or choice.

Relationships are not really that complicated. They are mostly simple. Men are very simple by comparison to women, but that's likely a issue of self-worth, and hence why I spent so much time demystifying it.

Neurosis is "Excessive and irrational anxiety or obsession".Many rural people have lower expectations and lower stress. Many urban folks have high stress and very high expectations and hence more neurosis. That impedes relationships. It makes relationships more difficult often in urban centers. Urban centers have more people, and so more choices of other lovers, more competition, and so more broken relationships.

Yes, some people become aware of their environment and lack of romance and become sensitive to their unhappiness. I discussed that too.

True awareness as a psychic is about seeing all of the sensations: both positive and negative.

You're right, some people are very low maintenance and easy to please, but most of the time, in my experience they are men. Why? Self-worth and depictions of beauty, especially as people age.

Yes, we do have impediments to relationships. Those are the snakes. We contend with them in an eternal wrestling match and often they crush us, or we perceive that our impediments inable our ability to find romance.

Do you mean Rodin? [link to t1.gstatic.com]

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/25/2013 08:53 AM

Is this a thread for dating advice?

Why yes it is, Ms Freewoman, for that is the meaning of your name. It's a musical name too.

What's your question and how may I help you?

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/25/2013 10:26 AM

Oh Thank You, I didn't know that!!

I don't really have a specific question, but I thought it was great that there was a thread about this topic here. I do have this unique ability for compliated relationships tho. Currently I am seeing a guy who is married, but seperated from his wife. Is that wrong? I know that makes me look like a bad person.

No my dear, thank you for visiting. All of us become emeshed in complex relationships. It's the natural state for we're complicated, mostly by our lack of self-worth. I hope you go back and read my posts from page 5 on as well as dialogue between Phoenixe and Peng for that was a very valuable and honest exchange.

I'd like to help, but I have to ask some questions. Feel free to write as long a response as you feel is adequate to explaining your circumstances. You won't get judgement from me, only a sincere desire to assist you.

If I ask anything that you feel is personal, but still desire to answer, then you should be vague in order to protect your privacy. Of course you can skip that question too.

Dating someone who hasn't disengaged from their spouse is fraught with complexity. Is he living with her? Is he living on his own? Has he engaged a divorce attorney? When is the divorce final? Why has he begun a serious relationship with you now? How do you feel about him? How is the connection?

Seldom do people only marry once. People make mistakes and then divorce and remarry. What would you like to happen? Are you in love? How do you feel about marriage?

Obviously I'm a Christian, but I know many people are not, and I believe that we're not to impose our personal values on others, for there is Free Will. Still, that will color my answers in the same way that my background or your background will color yours.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/25/2013 11:31 AM

Oh you’re so nice, thank you.

No I don’t mind answering questions. He is separated from his wife now, but he wasn’t when I started seeing him. As far as I know they have not gotten attorneys yet, or filed for anything. For the longest I thought I was doing him some harm, or their marriage, but he always told me it wasn’t me, he had spent so much time away while he was in the army that they didn’t get along anymore. I do love him, and it’s nice being able to spend so much time with him now. I don’t know about marriage yet. I’d like to get married someday, but don’t know if I am ready for that. I would like to see him get his divorce, but at the same time I don’t want to be pushy about it either. When he separated from his wife, is when the relationship became more serious.

You're welcome.

Dating someone who wasn't separated is not a good way to begin a relationship. Since they still are dwelling with their spouse, then their attention is not wholly focused upon you. That distraction is not a good thing by any means.

Since that time, he separated, and likely your relationship is part of that process, and that also is not good. When dating you have to examine not only your feelings, for that would be selfish, but also care about his feelings and in many respects caring more for him than yourself is the partial definition of true romance and love.

Getting a divorce is a major financial and mental and physical and spiritual decision. It requires deep contemplation, and yet for many it's a snap decision. The fact that he's still deliberating and hasn't gotten an attorney should be troubling to you. In some respects it means he contemplating it, which can be positive or negative.

Yes, separation must exist for a relationship to happen, but more so, a divorce must happen and then time to process “why” a divorce happened is essential to not making the same mistakes.

When someone is very lonely and going through both the isolation of being a soldier plus the process of discovering that a marriage is ending, then that person will grasp for any love which they can find. That's not a positive for you.

What would be a positive would be a man who has settled down, examined all of his feelings, and decided to make a course change in his journey and to see you as someone who he could journey with. That implies “togetherness”.

I hope you deeply examine your rationale for dating a married man. It's not an auspicious beginning. I'm saying that not as a criticism, but as someone who genuinely hopes you find real romance and friendship and a soul mate.

Think about what his qualities are and why you are attracted to him.

Would you say that you have high self-worth? I hope you read my previous posts. I believe they could help you process your feelings.

By the way, I'm totally seperating out my Christian identity and only discussing this with you from a friendly psychological perspective.

Since marriages last seven years with a 50% divorce rate (many nations), then it's not entered into lightly. A long courtship can be a good thing, but wasn't done historically for many. Look for an upcoming post on that.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/25/2013 11:11 PM

Yes. I agree completely. When you talk deeply then you learn more and can anticipate impediments to a deepening relationship. Not talking, then most people go, "WTF! I never knew he/she thought that! Oh SHIT! I'm screwed." and then spend an enormous amount of time trying "to fix it".

Having talked deeply, and establishing such intimacy and removing impediments results in enormous affection, laying on a counch for two hours and just looking into each other's eyes, touching each other, cuddling, and profound bliss from kissing. Then if deeply committed and making love, undefinable intense orgasms.

YES! Men have just as many self-worth issues, but honestly they are minor compared to women. Most men do not perpetually think, "Am I handsome enough to win her heart?" Most men can see a level of self-worth inside themselves, if not also being a little too cocky (though that is false projection of worth mostly).

NOTE: I prefer Rodin's Mermaid study
[link to www.christies.com]

We are called as men to the sirens whose beckoning song entralls us. It may doom us, but we care not. Like Ulysses we risk listening and looking for them.
"The term refers to the pact that Ulysses (Greek name Odysseus) made with his men as they approached the Sirens. Ulysses wanted to hear the Sirens' song although he knew that doing so would render him incapable of rational thought. He put wax in his men's ears so that they could not hear, and had them tie him to the mast so that he could not jump into the sea. He ordered them not to change course under any circumstances, and to keep their swords upon him to attack him if he should break free of his bonds.

Upon hearing the Sirens' song, Ulysses was driven temporarily insane and struggled with all of his might to break free so that he might join the Sirens, which would have meant his death."

[link to en.wikipedia.org]
[link to i.telegraph.co.uk] a painting by John Williams Waterhouse
Note: Look at the most excellent way Waterhouse depicts the Lady as both entrancing and irresitable but also leaves her tummy and doesn't create a false sense of Perfection, but rather paints her somewhat realistically. Women leave their home, in this case the Sea, and lose some connection with their past when they chose to share our life. It's poignant.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/25/2013 11:37 PM

Like Iron Hans or Iron John(see earlier postings on men) you cannot understand women unless you read the Little Mermaid by Hans Christian Anderson.
[link to hca.gilead.org.il]
[link to i.telegraph.co.uk]
"The little mermaid drew back the crimson curtain of the tent, and beheld the fair bride with her head resting on the prince’s breast. She bent down and kissed his fair brow, then looked at the sky on which the rosy dawn grew brighter and brighter; then she glanced at the sharp knife, and again fixed her eyes on the prince, who whispered the name of his bride in his dreams. She was in his thoughts, and the knife trembled in the hand of the little mermaid: then she flung it far away from her into the waves; the water turned red where it fell, and the drops that spurted up looked like blood. She cast one more lingering, half-fainting glance at the prince, and then threw herself from the ship into the sea, and thought her body was dissolving into foam. The sun rose above the waves, and his warm rays fell on the cold foam of the little mermaid, who did not feel as if she were dying. She saw the bright sun, and all around her floated hundreds of transparent beautiful beings; she could see through them the white sails of the ship, and the red clouds in the sky; their speech was melodious, but too ethereal to be heard by mortal ears, as they were also unseen by mortal eyes. The little mermaid perceived that she had a body like theirs, and that she continued to rise higher and higher out of the foam. “Where am I?” asked she, and her voice sounded ethereal, as the voice of those who were with her; no earthly music could imitate it. "

Don't waste your time on the Disney santized version. That's a sweet fairy tale. The real story is rough and deep and anyone, male or female, could get a lot out of thinking about that story.

Read that, and I'll comment upon it later.

Guys reading these posts, you MUST read that story to understand your wives and girlfriends.

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/25/2013 11:45 PM

Yes, if it's right you usually know right from the start. Alot of dating problems, IMHO, arise from a lack of self-assurance, so I suggest you get to know yourself, be happy with yourself, and get out there and meet people, and don't dwell on the 'missed opportunities'.

There's some seriously potential projecting going on there, PENG!
[link to en.wikipedia.org]
Read the story first please.

You are such a flirt! Watch carefully Ladies, you could learn from PENG!

While I discuss the process of chase and withdraw and flirting, PENG actually puts it in practice besides being lovely and charming.

Because I am an unmarried red blooded American male, and you are a married lovely clever charming female, I will refrain from flirting (though it is extremely tempting).

It's plausible I am a savant, but not 200. I'm a tiny fraction of that number.

And Silly PENG, while I am a "butt man" you know what I'll say, "Love the totality of a Lady...with your entire soul."

Last Edited by Don'tBeAfraid on 01/26/2013 01:04 AM

interesting thread.