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Anyone else grow up without their faither?

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 15515569
Netherlands
12/08/2012 04:16 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
sure, lack of guidance can side track a person.

my effects? reserved demeanor that morphed into a hedonistic outlook on life, then finally realizing to analyze desire and weighing the needs of self and others, at a late age...mid 20's, but hey i learned on my own.

Most people are chained with expectation, some of us were born free of that kind of expectation. I answer to no man, on a personal level anyway, but my bosses never fucked with me. I am efficient so that helps.

like the one guy said though, face to face conversation makes me uncomfortable. Mostly because people don't stop talking to me if i look them in the eye, so i kinda avoid it.

all of my adopted male role models have been fictional characters i chose qualities to try to follow.

The me that is used to being me would never change it, and people generally treat me different knowing i grew up without a father, kinda like a half orphan.

I'm sure a fathered me would be more ahead than the current me. But i respect the fact that i had to father myself. Lousy a job that i've done, what more can you expect from a kid.

I'm very attracted to women who lack a connection with parents as well.

mother was there, but worked a lot and had me stay with family most of the time, until i could babysit myself. About 8.

bottom line, affection from Anyone who isn't a lover or a pet makes me very uncomfortable, be it family or friends.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 25401697

Thats interesting, im similar in alot of ways. I fathered myself, im attracted to women who lack a connection with parents aswell, affection from anyone who isnt a lover or a pet makes me uncomfortable. But in my situation i always had a father around, but i stayed away from him because i was scared of him when i was young.

I never thought that these things would relate to this because my father was always around. So thanks.

Btw, what fictional characters did you follow?
Upheval
Globe Traveler

User ID: 8546911
Brazil
12/08/2012 04:20 PM

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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
My father left when I was 7. Saw him once when I was 13, then that was it. I am now 40. My sister found him last month living only 100 miles from us now. I have made myself easy to find online. If he wanted to reconnect he could.

I am also a father. Me and my baby's momma split when he was 3. I always tried to be there. He is 8 now. He can contact me when I am not around. he has my phone number and my email. He has emailed me sometimes. He knows I am there if he needs me. He is just not old enough to appreciate that yet. I pay my 1500$ a month in child support. I got married and since then, his mom has tried to make my life difficult. My wife picked him up once for a visitation weekend while I was away and his mother called the cops. So he only comes over if I can pick him up.

She won, I bearly get to see him and she gets the money. The only way I can resolve this is if I pay 2500$ and take her back to court.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 2771636
Georgia
12/08/2012 04:24 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
I'm the youngest of 3 and my Dad split when I was about 2 - from then on I just had this vague memory of someone else sitting at the dinner table once. My brother told me he was dead but he got back in touch with the family when I was about 10. My parents had actually divorced and he moved away and remarried. My mother eventually got a new boyfriend who she never married but she's still with (this is getting on for 50 years later) so he was around but I never thought of him as a father figure.

I think my Dad just went away and got back as soon as he knew it was cool to do so. We went for a month's holiday down at his place and had a great time but I never really got to know him - I called him Dad but he'd been missing from my life up until that point so it felt a bit strange. My elder brother and sister remembered and could relate to him better, and they kept in touch with him all the while until he died a couple of years ago, while I never did and eventually moved overseas.

I didn't feel much when he died - there was no bitterness but no regret either. I don't know how he felt about me really as he barely knew me either, and I often wondered if I was the straw which broke the camel's back as far as my parents' failing marriage was concerned.

I was overseas and quite broke when he died so I never made it over for his funeral, which suited me just fine.

I think I did ok without him - I know right from wrong and don't lie to people. People trust me and it's not misplaced. I think practising these kind of things are what's kept my head above water because I seem to fall into jobs rather than go looking - I've only ever had one job which I won through an interview, and that was my very first one. Things are very tough - we have a severely handicapped child on our hands and I'm not getting any younger so if anyone has a spare million going I'd be glad of the help.
tibbles
User ID: 23900733
United Kingdom
12/08/2012 04:37 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
Father left before I was born. If I ever met him I'd kick the fuck out of him. Not growing up with a Dad has made me determined to be there for my kids. Not sure if that would have happened anyway, but, I sure as well won't be a loser like that fuckwit. I hope he dies a painful death. Seriously.
MarkinAZ

User ID: 20006444
United States
12/08/2012 04:57 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
Yes. I did grow up without a father.

Then I can remember vividly when I was taken to church and Sunday School and they began to teach us that we all had a "Heavenly Father". Being maybe 4 years old or so at the time, I of course took them literally. I began to talk to my "Heavenly Father" just as a normal kid would talk to their father on earth (I supposed.)

There were many conversations spent crying and being upset because everyone else had a "father" or "daddy" or later "dad" on this earth and I did not. But there was a feeling of being loved, and a sense of reassurance that seemed to come from outside me. My little spirit was calmed and I knew somehow that he would always be with me.

The relationship has persisted to this day. Oh, there were some rocky years when in my angst and craziness growing up, I was "angry" and refused to speak to him for years at a time. Yet when I got in over my head I could and did often pray and he was there, with me,by my side, and on occasion he even performed a few miracles to get me out of spots that I'd gotten myself into that frankly, could have easily cost me my life!

From a naive little boy many years ago being taken to church by a mother and grandmother who adored him - yet who had no idea of how to raise a son, and that same little boy taking his Sunday School teachers so literally that he started talking to his "Daddy" up in heaven... I can't say that I regret the faith and what that relationship has brought into my life over these many years I've been allowed to remain here. The best thing about getting older is that I know sooner, rather than later now, I'm going to get to meet and be with that 'Father in Heaven' that I've been talking with and whom I've known for six decades now...
geminilion
We need more cowbell!

User ID: 12895036
United States
12/08/2012 05:45 PM

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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
Though my father was living in the home it was almost like I didn't have a father. He was a violent, raging alcoholic with mental illness.

I think it's really important to have a dad around and it's something that I always wished I had. I remember my dad hugging my just once, don't know what came over him.

He died a few years ago..I forgive him for the hell he put me through because he was sick. My brother never could forgive him which was his right I guess.
 Quoting: geminilion



I can really relate to your post.

I am in the same place as your brother. My dad isn't "mentally ill" per se but does have narcissistic personality disorder. He is a liar, never admits that he's wrong, etc.

God bless.
 Quoting: Sigh 28872856


It took me a long while, I was so upset when he died which was unexpected. Of course I figured I would be sad but I was really broken up over it.

I guess the thought of ever having him in my life was no longer a possibility.
..."The soul is dyed the color of its thoughts. Think only on those things that are in line with your principles and can bear the light of day. The content of your character is your choice. Day by day, what you choose, what you think, and what you do is who you become. Your integrity is your destiny ... it is the light that guides your way."
Heraclitus
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1230294
Netherlands
12/08/2012 06:06 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
Do you mean "father"?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 17849756


fasser it is, crazy dutch bastard!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21363812
Canada
12/08/2012 06:18 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
To the poster above - I appreciate your ability to substitute your human father with a heavenly father, but .... your heavenly father didn't teach you how to ride a tricycle, didn't take you for ice-cream cones on Sunday, didn't praise you for a good report card at school, didn't change your diapers, didn't sit up with you throughout the night when you were sick, didn't kiss your boo-boo better, and didn't teach you a thing about human to human contact - the energy exchange in a physical hug, or the sense of approval in human eyes for a job well done, or the reassuring embrace for better things to come when a job was not well done but done to the best of your ability.

I'm from a broken home....
I was 13 when dad left, my two younger sisters 7 and 9. My father was physically abusive to both me and my mom, and not just slightly. My childhood was horrific. I spent many years trying to reconcile how I could be, and yet be so unloved by a parent. That's how I saw it, and it my reality, that's how it was. I played the blame game for a time - tho my mother never did, she spent the rest of her life in devastation - broken.

It's tough, very tough, to grow up alongside 'happy' families when your family is ripped apart. Both my sisters would always ask, "why can't we have a dad too?" "why did daddy have to get another girlfriend?" (our dad left for a woman almost half the age of our mother) How can anyone answer those questions in a valid way? For the CHILDREN, it's a hole that's ever present, a nagging, abandonment, a hurt, a desperation; a need for love, a hug, acceptance by one who's blood courses thru your veins. Why 'they' left doesn't matter; what matters is why they left "me"?

Yes, we adapt, we do the best we can, but we always do it with a sense of loss - whether it was abusive or loving, we know we lost something and no matter how many years later, in the quiet moments of our silence, that question is always there.... "what if I'd had a loving father?"

Kismet
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29004976
United States
12/08/2012 07:29 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
My father died young.....age 39.

I was 10.


No question......it damaged me.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 22018224
United States
12/08/2012 08:06 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
My biological father left before I turned the age of one. He only changed 1 of my diapers...at least that's what my mother says. My mother got married to some new guy when I was 2. They had a child. My sister the golden child. I was the bastard introverted child. I tried to fit in with the rest of the family though. 13 years later they got divorced due to domestic violence. I was disowned by him of course, after 13 years the only father i've known erased me like it was nothing. Hilarious ha ha...that whole ordeal is what made me the angry Taurus I am today. rocket



P.S. And yes the golden child get's flown every summer, thanksgiving, and winter down to see him in Florida. tounge
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 8199812
United States
12/08/2012 08:42 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
40 million blacks?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 28752731


ROTFLMFAO!!

And just look at them. Raping, stealing, killing, not working, etc...

So much for feminism.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 26372742
Canada
12/08/2012 10:11 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
I have worked with kids for about 15 years. I can definitely tell the ones who have whole families versus the ones from broken homes. It is very common now, but it is not good.

The girls without fathers tend to sexualize themselves at a younger age, to get attention. Or they go in the other extreme and avoid sex.The girls become harder and tougher; they learn that they have to protect themselves.

The boys without dads either become very angry or again go in the other extreme and become depressed.

There has been a lot of women/mother bashing in this thread.

But the thing is, is that both men and women don't take sex seriously enough. They don't take relationships seriously enough. They get together with people for the wrong reasons. (Looks or superficial reasons.)

People need to KNOW THEMSELVES before they get together to start a family. Anything less, and we end up with the mess we have now: broken families with fucked up kids.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25028055
United States
12/09/2012 06:02 AM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
My father left when I was 7. Saw him once when I was 13, then that was it. I am now 40. My sister found him last month living only 100 miles from us now. I have made myself easy to find online. If he wanted to reconnect he could.

I am also a father. Me and my baby's momma split when he was 3. I always tried to be there. He is 8 now. He can contact me when I am not around. he has my phone number and my email. He has emailed me sometimes. He knows I am there if he needs me. He is just not old enough to appreciate that yet. I pay my 1500$ a month in child support. I got married and since then, his mom has tried to make my life difficult. My wife picked him up once for a visitation weekend while I was away and his mother called the cops. So he only comes over if I can pick him up.

She won, I bearly get to see him and she gets the money. The only way I can resolve this is if I pay 2500$ and take her back to court.
 Quoting: Upheval


YOur father may have had to go through something similiar.



After you get hurt over and over by your own children and your own situation. You may understand more.


Of course you are there, but they wont call or write, they are kids after all. YOU will get blamed for not being there no matter what at this point.
You are in a very bad place, Have you ever thought about just starting over?

Perhaps you can see the reasoning behind that thought at least. It must kill you to see them not recognize you, to look on you as a stranger. Perhaps they even look at the mothers new boyfriends as dad.

Doesnt it hurt.... Hurts like hell huh.... AND you have to pay for it.


I am so sorry. I have been there too
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25028055
United States
12/09/2012 06:10 AM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
There has been a lot of women/mother bashing in this thread.

.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26372742




Also been alot of men bashing.
NJ
User ID: 1217128
United States
12/12/2012 12:05 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
There has been a lot of women/mother bashing in this thread.

.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26372742




Also been alot of men bashing.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 25028055


It was highly appropriate to the subject, especially the so-called "men".
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29713866
Canada
12/12/2012 12:24 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
yep.

the effects are deep.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25982777
12/12/2012 12:38 PM
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Re: Anyone else grow up without their faither?
What kind of effect did it have on you?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 29274067




I did, and I am very sensitive to rejection. The pain never really goes away from feeling unwanted, unliked... abandoned. But I have now accepted that I will never have a father and can't get that back.

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