Things you never want to say over a Christmas dinner.

"I am so glad we asked to have the Kawalski's for dinner.... they're so tender and moist and go perfect with the sweet potatoes."

Yeah, in the bathroom. Uncle Frank will drop a "bunker buster", not flush, and blame it on little Billy who can't object because he has a stuttering problem.

I hope that turkey's halal Mom, I've converted to Islam.

"We can't eat the turkey...I... we're in love."

"Is stuffing supposed to have sawdust in it?"

lets watch re-runs of jimmy saville's, jim l fix it.

Don't worry I took a shit after I washed my hands.

It's official... we can't have children.

todays secret ingredient is HEMLOCK

"Well kids, I'd like you to meet your long lost half-sister, Shaniqua Johnson..."

" My balls smell like A1 steak sauce "

Here's a true one for ya'

Large, mostly religious family gathered, including grandma, around the table. Mom is needling 20-something brother about when he's going to settle down with a good Christian woman and give her grandkids. Still needlin'. Oops, again. Bro finally responds "well mom, do bastards count? I've got a couple of those" Cue silence

This really happened.

One year, the cat tore the cover off the cocktail cheese-sauasage-pickle-bread plate. He licked everything, ate a few sausages and cheese, knocked some on the floor for the dog..

My mother put what was left (some pieces even had pointy little cat toothmarks) back on the plate, covered it up again and put the plate in a cold room not connected to the kitchen. She was busy and just getting the plate away from the cat and out of sight. She wasn't planning on serving it, I swear.

An hour after the family and guests arrived, my cousin walked into the living room carrying the plate, with a mouth full of sausages and cheese and says "You forgot to put this out on the table!"

Mother's eyes got wide and she said "Oh, thank you dear.."

Alway check the cheese plate for cat hair..

"im a woman trapped inside a blokes body" call me davinia from now on

HaHa! My uncle Al was fighting with Aunt Margie and she took her fork and stuck it in his hand...good times!

And it's mine.

Eat up, I bought the groceries with 30 pieces of silver...

"Pass the tofu please".

because BLECCCCHHHH TOFU!!!!!!111

"Am I the only one who can taste the bile?"

Uncle Bob put his hands in my pants again.

why isn't a nice girl like you married yet??

you know, youre not getting any younger and your chances of getting married decline as you get older. just saying.......

on December 20th, our house was right here...

Is this tofurkey?

um...nobody has to use the washroom for 30 minutes, do they? cuz i wouldn't go in there for about a hour or so.

Yeah..and yesterday I caught my boyfriend in there..with the turkey...

Been a longtime since I saw that thread.

Happy Kwanza!

"Have an apple. It makes the cheese less binding."