$I_smell_like_crap = wake_up();
if ( $I_smell_like_crap == "begin" ) {
$present_smell = have_girlfriend_give_a_sniff();
if ($present_smell != "awful" ) {
exit();
}
$present_smell = check_smell_myself();
if ($present_smell != "awful") {
exit();
}
$exit_status = go_wash(SOAP);
}

//of course this code snippet assumes functions are in place and that a hard constant (SOAP) has been set