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Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible

 
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 03:54 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A guy called into work and says, "Hey, boss! What's the difference between work and your daughter?" ... "I'm not coming into work this morning!"
_______________________________________________________

Have you heard the joke about the baby with AIDS? It never gets old.
_________________________________________________________

I lost my virginity to a retarded girl last night... I wanted my first time to be special.
_______________________________________________________

Why does it take longer for a woman to orgasm than a man? Who cares?
_______________________________________________________

What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumb and blind girl? Break her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

__________________________________________________________

Last Edited by notinfallible on 12/17/2012 03:58 AM
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
Elsabiades...
User ID: 13002420
United States
12/17/2012 03:56 AM
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After being married, the old couple goes to a local motel to consumate....the older lady takes a seat on the bed and removes her blouse and says: "I just want you to know that I have acute angina"...the old man says: "I sure as hell hope so; those tities are hidious."


A fellow in the bar drinks too much and throws up on his shirt; he asks the bartender: "What am I going to do? My wife will kill me!" The bartender says: "Just put a ten dollar bill in your shirt pocket and tell your wife that somebody threw up on your shirt; but gave you a ten dollar bill for dry cleaning".....so the drunk heads home, and upon arrival knocks on the door...his wife opens it and says: "What in the hell happen to you?" The drunk says:"Oh, somebody got too drunk and threw up on my shirt, but he gave me ten dollars to send it to the dry cleaners"...the wife said: "Well, why is there a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket?"...the drunk says: "Well, he shit in my pants too".........
Dapurps

User ID: 26604792
Canada
12/17/2012 03:56 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What's the difference between a condom and a coffin?

You come in one and you go in the other!
"What you perceive to be becomes your reality."

:ftwpanda:

dapurps
Dapurps

User ID: 26604792
Canada
12/17/2012 03:57 AM
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Definition of eternity?

Four blondes in four cars at a four-way stop.
"What you perceive to be becomes your reality."

:ftwpanda:

dapurps
Dapurps

User ID: 26604792
Canada
12/17/2012 04:00 AM
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A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
"What you perceive to be becomes your reality."

:ftwpanda:

dapurps
Lamplite

User ID: 945308
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:01 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came
down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested,
but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed,
and there was no need for his good time
being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for
about an hour, awakened without pain and,
as it was still early enough, decided
to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what
her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband
to see how he acted when she was not
with him. She joined the party and
soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
woman he could, and copping a little
touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and, being
a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new babe who had just
arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ...
naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition
in her ear and she agreed. So off they
went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight,
she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away, and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she
asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when
you're not there."

- "Did you dance much?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete,
Bill Browning, and some other guys, so
we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But you're not going to
believe what happened to the
guy I loaned my costume to..."
.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29907979
United States
12/17/2012 04:02 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
There are 3 apples on a table. Jamal takes 2. What color is Jamal?
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 27250682


laugh
 Quoting: Doommincus Maximus


haha for some people don't even get it :P
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 27250682


Been better if it said Jamal takes 3.
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 04:04 AM

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What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison? "I feel like a kid again."
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:04 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party.

Unfortunately, the wife came
down with a terrible headache and told her
husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested,
but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed,
and there was no need for his good time
being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for
about an hour, awakened without pain and,
as it was still early enough, decided
to go to the party.

Since her husband did not know what
her costume was, she thought she would
have some fun by watching her husband
to see how he acted when she was not
with him. She joined the party and
soon spotted her husband cavorting around
on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
woman he could, and copping a little
touch here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and, being
a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new babe who had just
arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ...
naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition
in her ear and she agreed. So off they
went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight,
she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away, and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she
asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "Oh, the same old thing.
You know I never have a good time when
you're not there."

- "Did you dance much?"
- "You know, I never even danced one dance.
When I got there, I met Pete,
Bill Browning, and some other guys, so
we went into the den and played
poker all evening. But you're not going to
believe what happened to the
guy I loaned my costume to..."
.
 Quoting: Lamplite


Rofl
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:04 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What did the pedophile say when he was released from prison? "I feel like a kid again."
 Quoting: notinfallible


laugh
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 04:06 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an altar boy.
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 04:06 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't work? Slap her.
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 04:07 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
If a black guy, a Mexican, and a redneck are all in a car together, who's driving? The police.
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:07 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't work? Slap her.
 Quoting: notinfallible


cruise
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 04:07 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What's better than taking home the gold in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded!
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:08 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What's better than taking home the gold in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded!
 Quoting: notinfallible


:cruiselarge:

New Leader!!
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 04:08 AM

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How is locking your keys in your car like getting your girlfriend pregnant? The problem is easily solved with a coat hanger.
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29907979
United States
12/17/2012 04:09 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What's better than taking home the gold in the Special Olympics? Not being retarded!
 Quoting: notinfallible


This is funny!! I really did laugh out loud.
Lamplite

User ID: 945308
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:11 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Three women die together in an accident

And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,

And although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,

The second woman steps accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter,

Who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERYcareful where she steps.

She manages to go months

Without stepping on any ducks,

then

One day St.Peter comes up to her

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,

'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a Duck.
.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29907979
United States
12/17/2012 04:13 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Why did Helen Keller wear really tight clothes?
So people could read her lips.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29907979
United States
12/17/2012 04:14 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What's long, green and smells like pork?
Kermit's finger.
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 04:14 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you call a redneck with two sheep? A pimp.
___________________________________________

My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile. That's an awfully big word for a nine year-old.
________________________________________________

What are the best four years of a redneck's life? Sixth grade.
__________________________________________________

How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.

____________________________________________________

What's the best thing about fucking homeless girls? When you're done, you can drop 'em off anywhere.

______________________________________________________

What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady? Depends...
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
Dapurps

User ID: 26604792
Canada
12/17/2012 04:15 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Three women die together in an accident

And go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:

Don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,

There are ducks all over the place.

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,

And although they try their best to avoid them,

The first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says,

'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to

Spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day,

The second woman steps accidentally on a duck

And along comes St. Peter,

Who doesn't miss a thing.

With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together

With the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and,

Not wanting to be chained

For all eternity to an ugly man, is very,

VERYcareful where she steps.

She manages to go months

Without stepping on any ducks,

then

One day St.Peter comes up to her

With the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on

.... Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says,

'I wonder what I did to deserve being

Chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says,

'I don't know about you,

But I stepped on a Duck.
.
 Quoting: Lamplite


1rof1
"What you perceive to be becomes your reality."

:ftwpanda:

dapurps
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:16 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you call a redneck with two sheep? A pimp.
___________________________________________

My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile. That's an awfully big word for a nine year-old.
________________________________________________

What are the best four years of a redneck's life? Sixth grade.
__________________________________________________

How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.

____________________________________________________

What's the best thing about fucking homeless girls? When you're done, you can drop 'em off anywhere.

______________________________________________________

What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady? Depends...
 Quoting: notinfallible


Still the leader
trailingedge
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 28930356
Australia
12/17/2012 04:16 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
It would be appreciated :-)
Thank you
hf
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
Smashy76

User ID: 28768606
Canada
12/17/2012 04:17 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't work? Slap her.
 Quoting: notinfallible


cruise
 Quoting: Doommincus Maximus


Joke- What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

punchline-Nothing, she's already been told twice!


Joke- How do you save a drowning Politician ?

Punchline- Take your foot off his head...
(I'm using "politician" instead of a race or culture)


Joke- What do you throw a drowning illegal alien?

Punchline- His wife and kids....
(again I'm using the term "illegal alien" to be a little more politically correct)


Joke- What does Micheal Jackson and garbage bags have in common?

Punchline- Both are made of plastic and both are dangerous for kids to play with...

Joke- How do you circumcise a redneck?

Punchline- Kick his sister in the jaw.
I'm not racist, I hate everyone equally.

I'd rather be judged by 12, then carried by 6.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:19 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you do when your dishwasher doesn't work? Slap her.
 Quoting: notinfallible


cruise
 Quoting: Doommincus Maximus



Joke- What does Micheal Jackson and garbage bags have in common?

Punchline- Both are made of plastic and both are dangerous for kids to play with...

 Quoting: Smashy76


rofl

New leader
HI.Lander

User ID: 28896397
United States
12/17/2012 04:19 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you call a redneck with two sheep? A pimp.
___________________________________________

My girlfriend told me I was a pedophile. That's an awfully big word for a nine year-old.
________________________________________________

What are the best four years of a redneck's life? Sixth grade.
__________________________________________________

How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the dirty knees.

____________________________________________________

What's the best thing about fucking homeless girls? When you're done, you can drop 'em off anywhere.

______________________________________________________

What does it taste like when you go down on an old lady? Depends...
 Quoting: notinfallible


Still the leader
 Quoting: Doommincus Maximus


LOL, that guy is on a roll.
"Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one." -- Marcus Aurelius

Today I broke my personal record for most consecutive days lived.
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 04:19 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
I have a bunch more that I want to share, but I have to go to the store quick.....

(lol @ whoever was expecting a punchline...)

Be back shortly.
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
SnowboardingAlien

User ID: 2230505
United States
12/17/2012 04:21 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Best joke wins?

America.
I look up at the sky, and wonder where I am on earth. Then I wonder where I am in the solar system. Then I wonder where I am in the galaxy. Then I wonder where I am in the universe.

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