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Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible

 
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:22 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
I have a bunch more that I want to share, but I have to go to the store quick.....

(lol @ whoever was expecting a punchline...)

Be back shortly.
 Quoting: notinfallible


No rush, still plenty of time competition ends 8:30PM GLP time
trailingedge
where thought goes energy flows

User ID: 28930356
Australia
12/17/2012 04:24 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stoic blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereo-type woman that way?"

She continues..." what does the colour of a persons hair have to do with her worth as a human being?....it's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!! "

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, then the blonde yells...

"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

:-)
where thought goes, energy flows

"youth is the ultimate wealth, and you're a bit poorer today."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28239767
United States
12/17/2012 04:24 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
How many kids with ADHD does it take to replace a lightbulb?
Hey....lets go ride our bikes.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29775224
Romania
12/17/2012 04:24 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
WE are Maximus Family,welcome!!! DOoMminicus and Anus



beauty
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 16700518
Australia
12/17/2012 04:25 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Two tampons were crossing the street. They see a friend. Which one waves?





Neither, they're both stuck up cunts.


:)
 Quoting: HI.Lander


Who robbed the tampon factory?



Some bloody cunt..
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29907979
United States
12/17/2012 04:26 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
WE are Maximus Family,welcome!!! DOoMminicus and Anus



beauty
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 29775224


leader so far
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 30123598
United States
12/17/2012 04:29 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What's the worst thing a black man can be starts with a n ends with r









Neighbor ha
Lamplite

User ID: 945308
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:31 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in Melbourne.

Some of you (pilots...) will enjoy this more than others.... Victorians can be so polite!

Melbourne Tower : "Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land on runway 9R."

Saudi Air : "Thank you Melbourne. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R – Allah be Praised."

Melbourne Tower : " Iran Air 711 - You are cleared to land on runway 27L."

Iran Air : "Thank you Melbourne. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 27L. - Allah is Great."

Pause...

Saudi Air : " MELBOURNE TOWER - MELBOURNE TOWER !"

Melbourne Tower : "Go ahead Saudi Air 511..."

Saudi Air : "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE . ... .. .. ... INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE!"


Melbourne Tower : "Proceed to your destination and tell Allah we said "Hi".
.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 16700518
Australia
12/17/2012 04:37 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
How can you make a gay man scream twice?
Fudge him real hard. Then wipe your d*ck off on his curtains.

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?
He didn't like the way he was being reared.

Why do so many gays have mustaches?
To hide the stretch marks.

Did you hear about the homosexual electron?
Went around blowing fuses.

Did you hear about the homosexual letter?
Only came in male boxes.

What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 government employees in one room?
100 people that don''t do d*ck!

Did you hear about the two lesbians who bought an organ so they could play hymns?

What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.

What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go whoo-whoo!

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

What''s the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
At a straight rodeo everyone yells, "Ride that sucker"

Did you hear Vaseline is coming out with new labels for its petroleum jelly?

They're going to have a picture of missing gerbils on it.
How do you know you're in a gay amusement park?

They pass out gerbils in the tunnel of love.

How do you prevent homos from getting AIDS?
Tell 'em to sit down and keep their mouth shut.

How many faggots does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, as long as there's plenty of oil and he's real careful.

What did the mother say to her midget artist son after she found out he had AIDS?
You are Too Loose Lautrec.

What does a gay turkey say after he sucks your cock?
Gobble, gobble, gobble de goop.

What painting do members of NAMBLA love?
Little boy blew.

What weighs 250 pounds and swims in the San Francisco Bay?
Moby Dyke.

Why was the gay embarrassed when he was caught blowing the well-hung black delivery boy?
Because he was caught with a foot in his mouth.

Why were the other vegetables worried for Sprout?
They found out the Jolly Green Giant was a member of NAMBLA.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29698507
Canada
12/17/2012 04:37 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
The three shortest books ever written:

Italian War Heroes
Jewish Business Ethics
Negros I've Met While Yachting
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 04:40 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you call a homosexual in a wheelchair? Rolaids.
________________________________________________

How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None... he fell.
__________________________________________

How do you get a fat girl into bed? Piece of cake.
_______________________________________________

What do you call a black guy who flies a plane? A pilot, you racist asshole!
______________________________________________

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes? Nothing... you already told her twice.
_________________________________________________

What's a pedophile's favorite part of a hockey game? Before the First Period.
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:40 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters?
All tongue-in-groove, with no studs.

 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 16700518


cruise

New leader
CalmShock

User ID: 5056346
Canada
12/17/2012 04:43 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What's the difference between Batman and a black man... ?


Batman can go out at night without robbin...

--------------------

Why cant women be trusted?


Don't trust anything that can bleed for 7 days and still lives....
Patience is a virtue I just can't wait to achieve - CalmShock
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29698507
Canada
12/17/2012 04:43 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you call an Eskimo Lesbian?
A Klondike.

Why don't San Francisco Cheerleaders where skirts?
When they do, their balls hang out.

Why do Nipples have bumps on them?
It's Braile for "Lick Here"

Why isn't there any toilet paper in KFC?
Because it's Finger licking' good!

What do you find in a clean nose?
Finger prints.

Did you hear about Divorce Barbie?
It comes with all of Ken's Shit.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?
A mechanic.

Why do girls fart after they pee?
They can't shake, so they blow dry.

What is the difference from Out-Laws and in-laws
Out-Laws are wanted.

Why do dogs lick their ass?
Because they know, in five minutes they will be licking your face.

How can you tell if your sperm count is high?
If a woman has to chew before she swallows.

What's grosser than gross?
Having a dream about eating pudding and waking up with a spoon in your ass.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 9732769
United States
12/17/2012 04:44 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Why cant packies( pakistani) play hocky?























Every time they go into the corner they open up a store.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 9732769
United States
12/17/2012 04:47 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What could a bench do that a Mexican dad cant.

















Support a family.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:48 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What could a bench do that a Mexican dad cant.

















Support a family.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 9732769


ohno
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29698507
Canada
12/17/2012 04:48 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Two bums were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one bum said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $100. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other bum said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first bum. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other bum said, "No, I never found her head."
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 9732769
United States
12/17/2012 04:48 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Why are black people the best in basketball?


















Because they can steal, shoot and run.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29655041
United States
12/17/2012 04:49 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
True newspaper report:
Intoxicated man questioned after a single car accident. Police officer asked what happened. Man answered "I don't know, that telephone poll just jumped out in front of me!"
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:49 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Two bums were walking along the railroad tracks one day and one bum said to the other, "I'm the luckiest guy in the world".

"Why is that?" said the other tramp.

"Well, I was walking down these tracks last week and I found a $100. I went into town and bought a case of wine and was drunk for three days."

The other bum said, "That was pretty good, but I think I'm the luckiest guy in the world. I was walking down these very tracks about two weeks ago, and just up ahead was a gorgeous naked woman tied to the tracks. I untied her and took her up there in the trees and I had sex with her for two days."

"Jesus", said the first bum. "You are the luckiest guy; did you get a blow job, too?"

"Well", the other bum said, "No, I never found her head."
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 29698507


:cruiselarge:

New leader for sure.
Smashy76

User ID: 28768606
Canada
12/17/2012 04:50 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Joke- when is it bedtime at Micheal Jackson's house?

Punchline- when the big hand touches the little hand.


Jk- What did the Mexican kid down the street get for Christmas?

Pl- My bike.

Jk- wife says to husband " dear, there's a blown lightbulb in the barhroom, could u fix it?"
Husband says "who the fuck do I look like? Bob Villa?"
The next day the wife says " Hun, the door knob is broken, could u fix it please?"
The husband replies "who the fuck do I look like? Bob Villa?"
The Next day the husband gets home from work and the wife says "Hun the fridge is broken, could you fix it?"
Again the husband replies "who the fuck do I look like, Bob fucking Villa? FUCK!"
The next day the husband comes home and see's that everything is fixed. He's in a bit awe and asks his wife if she fixed it all.
She replies, " actually no, there was a knock on the door and it was Bob Villa! He said he'd fix all of it for a baked pie or a blowjob"
The husband replies "that's great! What kind of pie did you make?"
The wife replies "who the fuck do I look like, Betty Crocker?!?"

Jk- why'd the pervert cross the road?

PL- his dick was stuck in the chicken.
I'm not racist, I hate everyone equally.

I'd rather be judged by 12, then carried by 6.
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 04:51 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What is the most positive thing in harlem? HIV.
________________________________________

Why do Jewish girls like to fuck doggy style? They can't stand to see somebody else have a good time.
_______________________________________

In Kentucky, what do divorces and tornados have in common? Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer.
__________________________________________-

What does a Cuban do when he gets a flat tire? Drowns
______________________________________________

Why did the redneck cross the road? Because he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken.
_____________________________________________

What's black and blue and hates sex? A rape victim.
_____________________________________________

What do you call an Ethiopian on a hunger strike? Ethiopian
________________________________________________

How do you stop 5 black guys from raping a white girl? Throw them a basket ball.
_________________________________________________

What do you get wne you cross a black man and a Mexican. A person who's too lazy to steal.
______________________________________________

What was good about the million man march? Only three people missed work.
_________________________________________________

What's the useless skin around a vagina called? The woman.
___________________________________________________

Why is Tylenol white? It works.
_________________________________________________

What's the new definition for mass confusion? Fathers day in Harlem.
____________________________________________________

What do 3 million abused women do wrong every year? They don't fucking listen

_______---------___________-----------____________

These are just funny jokes, I am not racist at all.

We are all humans, so therefore, we are all the same.

Last Edited by notinfallible on 12/17/2012 04:51 AM
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29698507
Canada
12/17/2012 04:51 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you call a black chick with no brothers?


A virgin!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29655041
United States
12/17/2012 04:52 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Two peanuts were walking down the street, and one was assaulted.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29655041
United States
12/17/2012 04:55 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Feel I should use up all this karma stuff before leaving GLP.

Anyone want an upgrade, best joke wins :)
 Quoting: Doommincus Maximus


why you leaving?

please explain
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 30110945


fine....then don't tell me you cunt.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 30110945


why are you being vulgar??? Can't you save that for the bad guys?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 9732769
United States
12/17/2012 04:55 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What's do Michael Jackson and K-mart have in common?












They both have little boys underwear half off.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28842079
France
12/17/2012 04:56 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A baby seal walks into a club.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29655041
United States
12/17/2012 04:56 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town.
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
"I've heard enough of your stoic blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereo-type woman that way?"

She continues..." what does the colour of a persons hair have to do with her worth as a human being?....it's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person...because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!! "

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, then the blonde yells...

"You stay out of this mister, I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!"

:-)
 Quoting: trailingedge


I'm a woman, but damn that was pretty good!
sacred energy

User ID: 30122888
Australia
12/17/2012 04:57 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
An elderly couple sitting in church, the wife turns to the husband with a mortified look on her face, and says "I just did a silent fart, I hope it does not smell."

The husband looks at her and says, "You need to turn your hearing aid on"

laugh laugh laugh

happydancesmile_kisssmile_hear

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