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Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible

 
sacred energy

User ID: 30122888
Australia
12/17/2012 04:57 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
An elderly couple sitting in church, the wife turns to the husband with a mortified look on her face, and says "I just did a silent fart, I hope it does not smell."

The husband looks at her and says, "You need to turn your hearing aid on"

laugh laugh laugh

happydancesmile_kisssmile_hear
Smashy76

User ID: 28768606
Canada
12/17/2012 04:57 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
You know what they say about black guys right?

Once you go black, you're a single mother.

Where do you hide a Mexicans pay check?
In His work boots.



What's the difference between a fridge and Madonna ?

A fridge doesn't fart when you pull your meat out...

Last Edited by Smashy76 on 12/17/2012 05:01 AM
I'm not racist, I hate everyone equally.

I'd rather be judged by 12, then carried by 6.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29655041
United States
12/17/2012 04:57 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A baby seal walks into a club.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 28842079


yeah, I'd love to see the party where THAT goes over big...NOT.
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 05:00 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you call a stuffed animal that is picking it's ass? Cotton picker.
________________________________________________

What does Sarah fall off of the swing?

Because she doesn't have arms.

Why does she fall off again?

Because I put her back on.

Knock Knock.....? Who's there......?

Not Sarah.
_____________________________________________________

Why is a black mans eyes always red after sex? From the mace.
_________________________________________________

What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity? Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.

Last Edited by notinfallible on 12/17/2012 05:01 AM
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29655041
United States
12/17/2012 05:03 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you call a stuffed animal that is picking it's ass? Cotton picker.
________________________________________________

What does Sarah fall off of the swing?

Because she doesn't have arms.

Why does she fall off again?

Because I put her back on.

Knock Knock.....? Who's there......?

Not Sarah.
_____________________________________________________

Why is a black mans eyes always red after sex? From the mace.
_________________________________________________

What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity? Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.
 Quoting: notinfallible


I'm a smoker and I am offended at that last joke!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27855136
United States
12/17/2012 05:05 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A Blonde chick calls 911." My house is on fire".Dispatcher declares, "What is your address?" Blonde replies: "IDK I just moved in here. Dispatcher asks: "Well, If we don't know your address , how are we supposed to get there?" Blonde response: Duh? "big red truck".
siren2
DutchCourage

User ID: 29138844
Netherlands
12/17/2012 05:07 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
3 women are discussing their love life at a party. They agree that lingerie might spice things up a bit. After a week they get back together and discuss outcome. The first one, married 5 years said she could not believe how her hubbie jumped her that night. Complete success. The second, married 10 years was also reasonably satisfied, only complaining that the tv had to remain on.
The third, married for twenty years remained silent. After some prodding from the other two she admitted a failure.

I tried the best lingerie and found a nice mask from satin to complete the set. When I entered the bedroom my husband said:

Hey Zorro, when is dinner ready?

Last Edited by DutchCourage on 12/17/2012 05:08 AM
"Legio Patria Nostra" (Marche ou crève)
sacred energy

User ID: 30122888
Australia
12/17/2012 05:08 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cellphone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"


laugh laugh laugh

xmasxmas
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27855136
United States
12/17/2012 05:09 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you call a stuffed animal that is picking it's ass? Cotton picker.
________________________________________________

What does Sarah fall off of the swing?

Because she doesn't have arms.

Why does she fall off again?

Because I put her back on.

Knock Knock.....? Who's there......?

Not Sarah.
_____________________________________________________

Why is a black mans eyes always red after sex? From the mace.
_________________________________________________

What's the first thing a redneck says after losing her virginity? Get off of me Dad, you're crushing my cigarettes.
 Quoting: notinfallible


Q:What do you get when you cross an octopus with a blck man?

A:One hell of a cotton picker.
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 05:11 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What does Sarah fall off of the swing?

Because she doesn't have arms.

Why does she fall off again?

Because I put her back on.

Knock Knock.....? Who's there......?

Not Sarah.

 Quoting: notinfallible


And back in the lead
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 05:12 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you call a fat chinese person? A chunk.
________________________________________________

What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? Full
__________________________________________________

How do you really piss off your girlfriend while having sex? Call her on the phone.
________________________________________________

Why did God give women three more brain cells than cows? So they don't shit on the floor while doing the dishes.
_____________________________________________________

Why can't stevie wonder read? Because he's black.
____________________________________________________

What do you call a black man in a tent? A criminal intent.
______________________________________________________

Scientists have proven that women will, at some point in their lives, contain intelligent DNA.. Unfortunately 95% of them will spit it out..
_____________________________________________________
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
Embabe25
User ID: 6508159
United Kingdom
12/17/2012 05:13 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A young man gets off the boat from Ireland and goes straight to the red light district. He approaches and woman and asks how much! 20 quid for the full works she replies. He goes down an alley with the woman, gets down on his knees and sharply blows between her legs. He gets up gives her £20 and goes on his way leaving the woman looking puzzled.

The next night he goes back and approaches another woman and asks how much. For you love 50 quid. He nods his head and she leads him away. In a quiet corner he again gets down on his knees, puts his head between her legs and blows! He stands gives her the money turns and leaves.

This goes on for the rest of the week and the news travels about the strange man. 'Ill find out what he's up to' says one of the ladies of the night.

So the man goes out and the lady approaches him. How much he asks her. She thinks for a while and says you can do whatever you like for 300 notes! He nods and goes with the woman.

When they are alone he gets down on his knees and blows between the woman's legs, stands and pays her the £300. He turns to leave and the woman stops him. 'Hey mister! The girls are all talking about you! What are you doing?'

The Irish lad turns and says. 'Miss, before i left from ireland I was given £10000 and told to blow up every cunt in England!'
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29698507
Canada
12/17/2012 05:15 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Irish Air Disaster:

A Cessna has crashed into a graveyard in Dublin. Rescue workers have found 827 bodies so far; digging continues.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29388948
Australia
12/17/2012 05:17 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Why the long face?"
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 16203259
United Kingdom
12/17/2012 05:18 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Don't need the upgrade thankyou very much, but here's a joke anyway!

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other 'I can't drive this!'
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 17698012
United States
12/17/2012 05:20 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Rednecks daughter comes downstairs and ask if she can borrow to car for the night to go out with her friends. Dad looks at her and says you know what you have to do. She gets on her knees and starts oral sex on her father, after a few seconds, she looks up and says dad you penis taste like shit.. Dad looks down and says oh yeah I forgot, your brother wanted the car tonight.
I love lamp.
User ID: 30123671
Australia
12/17/2012 05:24 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Why are women like clouds?







When they fuck off it's a nice day!
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 05:25 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
how do you know you're wife's dead? The sex is the same but the dishes keep piling up.
_____________________________________________

How many babies does it take to paint a house? It depends on how hard you throw them.
_______________________________________________

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? AIDS.
__________________________________________________

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a Ferrari? I don't have a Ferrari in my garage.
_________________________________________________

Last Edited by notinfallible on 12/17/2012 05:26 AM
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
I love lamp.
User ID: 30123671
Australia
12/17/2012 05:25 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A guy is driving around Dublin when he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale ."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yes," the Lab replies.

"So, what's the story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for
eight years running."

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security
wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."

"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.

"Ten euros." the man says.

"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite."
Anonymous Coward
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Australia
12/17/2012 05:26 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
How does an octopus go to war?

Well armed.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 28328598
Kuwait
12/17/2012 05:27 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
- Do you know that the most used words in china are: Excuse me sir i think i've seen you before.

- A blondie was watching a mirror, she told her friend: i think i've seen this girl before. her friend took the mirror and told her: you dumbass thats me
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 05:28 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Whats the best thing about raping a 9 year old girl? Rolling her over and now you're raping a 9 year old boy.

Last Edited by notinfallible on 12/17/2012 05:32 AM
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
Farfignuten

User ID: 13179944
United States
12/17/2012 05:30 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What did the fish say when he hit a wall?



Dam!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 30077838
Australia
12/17/2012 05:33 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
i have no joke and i am new to this site.

but i would like a upgrade, because i have a big collection of funny .gif's, which i cannot use without the smiley upload function.
 Quoting: icepack


Please give upgrade to this guy so we can see his collection. Love your avatar lol.
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 05:36 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What's the difference between a baby and a freezer? A freezer doesn't scream when I pack my meat into it.
________________________________________________________

What do u call 2 abortions in a bucket? Blood brothers
_________________________________________________________
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 05:37 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What's the difference between a baby and a trampoline? You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
El Gringo

User ID: 20412529
Australia
12/17/2012 05:42 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
One day a man is feeling really horny and decides he is going to get a prostitute to relieve him, but the only problem is he only had 10 dollars..

So he goes to the red light district n sees a group of hookers and says 'hey ladys anyone up for a 10 dollar special?'

Non of them wanted to do it except one rough looking girl who stepped up and said 'ok ill fuck you for $10', so she hops in the car and they go off and do the deed...

The next day the mans balls were extremely itchy n he couldn't stop scratching them so he went to his doctor and asked him what was the matter with him? The doctor checked him over n replied that he had a severe case of crabs...

Embarrassed, the man admitted to the doctor that he had gone to a prostitute the previous day but thought it would be alright because she said she was clean, he was so pissed off he said he was going to find her to give her a piece of his mind...

So he goes down the redlight district and spots her straight away in the same spot and approaches her and angrily yells 'hey you dirty slut you gave me crabs!!!'

The prostitute unphased by the man turns around to him says..












'Well for $10 what did ya expect???? Lobster?'
notinfallible

User ID: 30106402
United States
12/17/2012 05:43 AM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
On a scale between, Casey Anthony and Jerry Sandusky, how much do you love children?
___________________________________________________-

What are three words you dread the most while making love? "Honey, I'm home."
______________________________________________________

A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of? Dating children.
_______________________________________________________

What did One gay sperm say to another? How do we find an egg in all of this shit?
To be upset over what you don't have, is to waste what you do have...
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29765934
United States
12/17/2012 06:03 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What do you call an Ethiopian girl with a yeast infection?




A Quarter Pounder with Cheese.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 30090107
New Zealand
12/17/2012 06:03 AM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
spot the pedo

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