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Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible

 
Tigershield

User ID: 25765737
Netherlands
12/17/2012 12:06 PM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Q: What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?
A: Santa Claus goes down the chimney.
Playto19

User ID: 2153952
United States
12/17/2012 12:11 PM

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A leprechaun walks into a bar and orders a beer, he slams it jumps up on the bar and pppppllllthpphtt in the bar tenders face.

The bar tender wipes his face and warns him to stop.
The leprechaun orders another slams it jumps on the bar and pppppiiiithpphtt

The bar tender is pissed and tells the leprechaun that the next time he does that he will cut off his pecker.
The leprechaun unfazed orders another slams it jumps up on the bar pulls down his pants and pppppllllth pphtt

The bar tender grabs a knife and screams YOU DON'T HAVE A PECKER HOW DO YOU PEE?

The leprechaun simply replys pppppppplllllllttttthhhhhpphtt
Only by pride comes contention, but with the well advised wisdom.
BadMoonRising
User ID: 4583236
United Kingdom
12/17/2012 12:13 PM
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A man calls 911 obviously distraught screaming.

'She's dead, my wife is dead'.

So the operator tries to calm him down:

'Sir, slow down. We need to make sure that she really is dead - can you do that for me'

'OK' the man replies tearfully.

The line goes quiet for a few seconds when the operator hears two loud gunshots. The man comes back on the line,

'Right, she's definately dead, now what?'
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1210737
United States
12/17/2012 12:13 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A cop pulls over a car speeding through his small town. The
cop goes up to the driver and asks for his ID. The driver gives it to him. Cop looks at it, gives it back and then
writes the driver a ticket. After the cop hands the ticket
to the driver, the cop punches the driver in the mouth. The
driver yells out in pain and asked the cop what the fuck he
hit him for. The cop tells him, "thats for speeding through
town and a reminder not to do it again.
Cop walks around to passengers side and asks passenger for
his ID. Passenger gives cop his ID. Cop looks at ID and gives it back, and then punch the passenger in the mouth.
Passenger also yells out in pain, and asks what the hell
did he punch him for. The cop turns to the passenger and
says in a nice com voice, thats for when I walk back to my
car and you turn to your buddy and say " I wish that asshole woulda tried that shit whit me".
peacetard

User ID: 30135502
United States
12/17/2012 12:16 PM

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A cop pulls over a car speeding through his small town. The
cop goes up to the driver and asks for his ID. The driver gives it to him. Cop looks at it, gives it back and then
writes the driver a ticket. After the cop hands the ticket
to the driver, the cop punches the driver in the mouth. The
driver yells out in pain and asked the cop what the fuck he
hit him for. The cop tells him, "thats for speeding through
town and a reminder not to do it again.
Cop walks around to passengers side and asks passenger for
his ID. Passenger gives cop his ID. Cop looks at ID and gives it back, and then punch the passenger in the mouth.
Passenger also yells out in pain, and asks what the hell
did he punch him for. The cop turns to the passenger and
says in a nice com voice, thats for when I walk back to my
car and you turn to your buddy and say " I wish that asshole woulda tried that shit whit me".
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1210737


So true
this too shall pass
Dr. Pickle
User ID: 12313542
United States
12/17/2012 12:18 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Why did the blonde coed have sex with the janitor at her school after english class?






Professor told her to do an esse.
IndigoMoon

User ID: 18226170
United States
12/17/2012 12:24 PM

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Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy

Timmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
Live simply, love generously, care deeply, and speak kindly.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass;
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 15366249
United States
12/17/2012 12:34 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Joke- when is it bedtime at Micheal Jackson's house?

Punchline- when the big hand touches the little hand.


Jk- What did the Mexican kid down the street get for Christmas?

Pl- My bike.

Jk- wife says to husband " dear, there's a blown lightbulb in the barhroom, could u fix it?"
Husband says "who the fuck do I look like? Bob Villa?"
The next day the wife says " Hun, the door knob is broken, could u fix it please?"
The husband replies "who the fuck do I look like? Bob Villa?"
The Next day the husband gets home from work and the wife says "Hun the fridge is broken, could you fix it?"
Again the husband replies "who the fuck do I look like, Bob fucking Villa? FUCK!"
The next day the husband comes home and see's that everything is fixed. He's in a bit awe and asks his wife if she fixed it all.
She replies, " actually no, there was a knock on the door and it was Bob Villa! He said he'd fix all of it for a baked pie or a blowjob"
The husband replies "that's great! What kind of pie did you make?"
The wife replies "who the fuck do I look like, Betty Crocker?!?"

Jk- why'd the pervert cross the road?

PL- his dick was stuck in the chicken.
 Quoting: Smashy76



Bob Villa one my favorite but I am a chick so go figure. LOL
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 19278794
United States
12/17/2012 01:20 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
very poor teller of jokes here...

when my son was very young his grandpa told him a joke,

something about a polar bear getting kicked in the icehole?

...open invitation to tell, the tale, the tail? What???
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 02:40 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
7 hours to go.

Winner so far is notinfallible
Anonymous Coward (OP)
User ID: 29125921
New Zealand
12/17/2012 02:52 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.
Timmy

Timmy,
That's what I thought you little bastard.
Santa
 Quoting: IndigoMoon


rofl
Balloons

User ID: 30033832
Denmark
12/17/2012 03:04 PM
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inscotland
 Quoting: Dapurps


this guy just because of the, fuck you im a panda moniker animation thingy
Put a lion in a cage for years without food and watch what happens.
Its appetite will of cause grow and grow, and then you point your finger at its hunger?
Balloons

User ID: 30033832
Denmark
12/17/2012 03:05 PM
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inscotland
 Quoting: Dapurps


this guy just because of the, fuck you im a panda moniker animation thingy
 Quoting: Balloons


ohh nevermind he IS a paying member allready
Put a lion in a cage for years without food and watch what happens.
Its appetite will of cause grow and grow, and then you point your finger at its hunger?
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1310035
New Zealand
12/17/2012 03:21 PM
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IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"


 Quoting: Generation Doom


LOLZ
Kybeam
User ID: 27604421
United States
12/17/2012 04:30 PM
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How do you save a drowning welfare father?

Throw him his wife and kids.

hiding
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 137089
United States
12/17/2012 04:35 PM
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Q: What did Spock find in the bathroom of the enterprise.


A: The captain's log
Kybeam
User ID: 27604421
United States
12/17/2012 04:36 PM
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Best clean joke I've heard in awhile.

What was Helen Keller's favorite color?

Corduroy.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1277549
United States
12/17/2012 04:36 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint.

I've got more.
Desert FoxModerator
Forum Moderator

User ID: 8786935
United States
12/17/2012 04:39 PM

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"You can borrow your way out of debt" If that isn't funny nothing is. lol
TOMABANEFOX
Kybeam
User ID: 27604421
United States
12/17/2012 04:39 PM
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Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint.

I've got more.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1277549


gotbop
andawg221

User ID: 30112245
United States
12/17/2012 04:40 PM
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Mine is a punctuation joke.

This is why punctuation is so important.

I'm helping my uncle Jack, off a horse.

I'm helping my uncle jack off a horse.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1277549
United States
12/17/2012 04:42 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Q: What's red and smells like blue paint?

A: Red paint.

I've got more.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1277549


gotbop
 Quoting: Kybeam 27604421


Q: What's sad about 4 illegal immigrants in a car going off a cliff?

A: They were my friends.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21482523
United States
12/17/2012 04:49 PM
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Four nun's got in a car accident and died. Of course, they went up to heaven and St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate.

"Ladies, please confess your sins so that you may pass through the gates," says St. Peter.

Well, naturally, the first nun walks up and says, "St. Peter, I must confess I once saw a man's penis!"

Don't worry, says St. Peter, go wash your eyes in that holy water and your sin will be forgiven.

The second nun comes up and says, "I must confess I once touched a man's penis!"

"Ohhh," says St. Peter, that is truly a sin, but go and was your hands in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven."

Meanwhile, in the background the THIRD and FOURTH nuns are going at it, yelling and cursing at each other. "What is the problem, that you should make so much noise at the gates of heaven?" asks St. Peter.

"Well," says the FOURTH nun, "there is NO WAY I am going to gargle with that holy water after HER ass has been in it!!!"
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1310035
New Zealand
12/17/2012 04:56 PM
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Four nun's got in a car accident and died. Of course, they went up to heaven and St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate.

"Ladies, please confess your sins so that you may pass through the gates," says St. Peter.

Well, naturally, the first nun walks up and says, "St. Peter, I must confess I once saw a man's penis!"

Don't worry, says St. Peter, go wash your eyes in that holy water and your sin will be forgiven.

The second nun comes up and says, "I must confess I once touched a man's penis!"

"Ohhh," says St. Peter, that is truly a sin, but go and was your hands in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven."

Meanwhile, in the background the THIRD and FOURTH nuns are going at it, yelling and cursing at each other. "What is the problem, that you should make so much noise at the gates of heaven?" asks St. Peter.

"Well," says the FOURTH nun, "there is NO WAY I am going to gargle with that holy water after HER ass has been in it!!!"
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 21482523


laugh
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21482523
United States
12/17/2012 05:02 PM
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Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.
Ballin on Your Tax Dollars

User ID: 9927807
United States
12/17/2012 05:04 PM
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I need a dime bag HMU please
Don't blame the puppet in the white house, blame the system he came up in.

:gtable:
Debauchery

User ID: 15455863
United States
12/17/2012 05:05 PM
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I'm not here for an upgrade. I just popped in to say farewell.

Come back soon! You know you want to.
And the LORD spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it." Amen.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21482523
United States
12/17/2012 05:05 PM
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What did the deaf and blind kid with no arms or legs get for Christmas?




Cancer.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21482523
United States
12/17/2012 05:07 PM
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What is big green and fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 25091830
United States
12/17/2012 05:09 PM
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Feel I should use up all this karma stuff before leaving GLP.

Anyone want an upgrade, best joke wins :)

Competition closes tonight (usa time)
 Quoting: Doommincus Maximus


What sexual position creates the ugliest babies?
Go ask you folks.

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