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Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21482523
United States
12/17/2012 05:10 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What is pink and red and can't go through revolving doors?

A baby with a spear through its head.
GoldenRuled

User ID: 25091830
United States
12/17/2012 05:11 PM

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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Feel I should use up all this karma stuff before leaving GLP.

Anyone want an upgrade, best joke wins :)

Competition closes tonight (usa time)
 Quoting: Doommincus Maximus


What sexual position creates the ugliest babies?
Go ask you folks.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 25091830


Forgot to log in. And it was 'Go ask 'your' folks.

Last Edited by GoldenRuled on 12/17/2012 05:13 PM
Character is what you are. Reputation is what others think you are.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 21482523
United States
12/17/2012 05:11 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What is the difference between a dead baby and a bowling ball?

I don't want to fuck a bowling ball!
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1310035
New Zealand
12/17/2012 05:13 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
I'm not here for an upgrade. I just popped in to say farewell.

Come back soon! You know you want to.
 Quoting: Debauchery


hf

I highly doubt I will be back :(
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1310035
New Zealand
12/17/2012 05:13 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What is big green and fuzzy and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A pool table.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 21482523


Rofl
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1310035
New Zealand
12/17/2012 05:14 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
3 hours to go!!!
amachiavellian

User ID: 20940257
Canada
12/17/2012 05:16 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Little Mary came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Johnnie showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... salty."

Mom Fainted.
— read for knowledge, not answers.
Dapurps

User ID: 30138682
Canada
12/17/2012 05:16 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
inscotland
 Quoting: Dapurps


this guy just because of the, fuck you im a panda moniker animation thingy
 Quoting: Balloons


dasbier
"What you perceive to be becomes your reality."

:ftwpanda:

dapurps
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1310035
New Zealand
12/17/2012 05:17 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Little Mary came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Johnnie showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... salty."

Mom Fainted.
 Quoting: amachiavellian


cruise
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 4733637
New Zealand
12/17/2012 05:22 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What does South Auckland and a box of matches have in common?

The black ones dont work.
UNkLE |3UCK +/-

User ID: 30168293
United States
12/17/2012 05:27 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A young boy sits on his grandfathers knee.
" Papa, I have a question..."
*Grandfather smiles*
"Well sure, Jimmy! Ask your ol' grandad anything!"
The young boy hesitates, but proceeds...
"What's a Bajina???"
*Grandfather chuckles*
"ahhh yes, you mean the VAGINA. It's a place where a daddy puts his pee pee to make babies. You'll understand more when you're older...."
The young boy then asks another question...
"We'll what does it look like?"
Grandfather thinks for a minute and answers
"It looks like a beautiful flower... Like a rose!"
But the young boy isn't done asking questions...
"What's it look like after a pee pee been in it?"
Grandpa smiles and asks with a wink,

"YOU EVER SEEN A BULL DOG EATIN' MAYONNAISE? "

Last Edited by UNkLE |3UCk™ on 12/17/2012 05:28 PM
thorshammer1000

User ID: 25825451
United States
12/17/2012 05:31 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A young Indian boy goes up to the village elder and says
"How do the tribe people get there names"
He responds
"Sometimes my young pad wan I look around our land to find these names"
" When a young one is born, I might look to the sky and see an eagle hunting its prey. I would name that young one, Brave Eagle that Hunts Prey"
"Or I might look to the stream and see a black bear hunting four trout. I would name that child, ?Black Bear Hunts Trout. Maybe I would look and see a daisy flowering in spring. I would name that young one, Spring Daisy. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 3021517
United States
12/17/2012 05:33 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
The cavalryman was galloping down the road, rushing to catch up with his regiment. Suddenly his horse stumbled and pitched him to the ground. Lying in the dirt with a broken leg, terrified of the approaching enemy, the soldier called out: "All you saints in heaven, help me get up on my horse!" Then, with superhuman effort, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side. Once again on the ground, he called to the heavens: "All right, just half of you this time!"
 Quoting: 2be0rnot2be


What's the difference between a girl in church and a girl in the bath tub? One has hope in her soul.
Teensi2

User ID: 15676325
United States
12/17/2012 05:34 PM
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An American Priest goes to Africa to teach the Pigmy village Chief the English language so he can educate him and his tribe on birth control and other important issues.

Priest takes Chief and ventures through the jungle, points out a tree and says: "Tree." Chief mimics back "Tree."

Priest point to "Rock." Chief replies "Rock." Chief seems to be catching on well through the day.

Priest sees a rustling in the bushes and peeks in to see the commotion. He sees two Pigmy's having sex. Priest is mortified, and embarrassed, unsure of what to say he looks at the Pigmy Chief and says "Uhm! Man riding bicycle!"

Pigmy Chief peeks into bush, takes out his poison blow darts, and with two swift blows, kills the sexual Pigmys.

The Priest screams in horror as Pigmy Chief walks away mumbling "Man riding MY bicycle!"
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 30151713
United States
12/17/2012 05:35 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
US Government!

cruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruise
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1310035
New Zealand
12/17/2012 05:38 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
US Government!

cruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruisecruise
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 30151713


That a petty old joke, LOL
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 27889364
United States
12/17/2012 05:56 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
a brit,a scott and an aussie after having a fine dinner are walking around a barnyard having a smoke.a shheep backs up yo a fence in one of the pens.the brit says ,i wish that was lady di.the scott says i wish that was raquel welch.the aussie says i wish it was dark.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 29558659
United Kingdom
12/17/2012 05:58 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What did one gay man say to the other when they came across a beautiful, naked blond woman laying unconscious on the sidewalk?










You hold her down.........and I'll do her hair.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 4545733


your joke wins but mine wasnt antigay
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 16195685


No just .limp
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 20675367
United States
12/17/2012 06:00 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Did you hear about the gay sperm whale?

He was caught biting the heads off of submarines and sucking out the seamen


What's the difference between a woman and an engine?
When you turn them over they both could blow a rod
david
User ID: 16910407
United States
12/17/2012 06:01 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
what's brown and bubbles and presses up against the glass?

a mexican in a microwave.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 9732769
United States
12/17/2012 06:03 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Son takes his father to the doctor. Doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer. Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate it.
While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS. When the friends leave the son asks, 'Dad, you are dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?'
The father replies, 'I don't want them screwing your mother after I'm gone!'
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 19505114
Australia
12/17/2012 06:11 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
What does Sarah fall off of the swing?

Because she doesn't have arms.

Why does she fall off again?

Because I put her back on.

Knock Knock.....? Who's there......?

Not Sarah.

 Quoting: notinfallible


And back in the lead
 Quoting: Doommincus Maximus

the little brave asked the wiry old chief, how do you name such braves of the tribe,the chief replied with a wave across the horizon,as a birth of a brave is sacred the vision given to me is seen ,like soaring eagle,drifting cloud,raring horse, why do you ask 2 dogs fucking.....
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 9732769
United States
12/17/2012 06:14 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Voodoo Dildo
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long
business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.

He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.

"Except what?" the man asked.

"Nothing, nothing."

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
'voodoo dildo.'"

"So what's up with this voodoo dildo?" he asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.

Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dildo, get back in
your box!"
The voodoo dildo stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

"I'll take it!" said the businessman.

The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dildo, my puXXy."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dildo, my puXXy!" The voodoo dildo shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
experienced before.
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.

Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
On the
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dildo was stuck in her puXXy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dildo, my ass!"
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 30068570
United States
12/17/2012 06:25 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
A drunk staggers out of the bar and finds someone has painted his horse green.So he stumbles back into the bar and with a loud voice ask who painted his horse green. A very large muscular man stood up and said ,I painted your horse green.The drunk replied, I just wanted you to know it was dry and ready for the second coat.

-----------------------------------------------------------
Drunk man leaves bar and gets on his horse backward. He finally gets home and tells his wife that someone cut off his horse's head and he had to ride all the way home with his finger in the horse's wind pipe to keep him from bleeding to death.
Baba Cha

User ID: 30030106
Australia
12/17/2012 06:27 PM

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What's the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can't beat a wank.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 1310035
New Zealand
12/17/2012 07:26 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
1hr to go...


whos it gonna be :)
Dapurps

User ID: 30138682
Canada
12/17/2012 07:35 PM
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Re: Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible
Sheila walked into the kitchen to find Bruce stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
"What you perceive to be becomes your reality."

:ftwpanda:

dapurps
Dapurps

User ID: 30138682
Canada
12/17/2012 07:36 PM
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YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've often uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You have a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Lame my accounts no longer upgraded

Last Edited by Dapurps on 12/17/2012 07:39 PM
"What you perceive to be becomes your reality."

:ftwpanda:

dapurps
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 4257157
Canada
12/17/2012 07:52 PM
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What's the difference between a welder and a pig?






A pig won't get drunk and fuck a welder...
IndigoMoon

User ID: 18226170
United States
12/17/2012 07:58 PM

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A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"
Live simply, love generously, care deeply, and speak kindly.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass;
It's about learning how to dance in the rain.

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