Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible

What's the difference between a welder and a pig?






A pig won't get drunk and fuck a welder...

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.
One day, her 9-year-old son hides in the closet during one of her romps.
Her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she hides the lover in the closet.
The little boy says, "It's dark in here."
The man whispers, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover end up in the closet together.
Boy - "It's dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
Man - Remembering last time, asks, "How much?"
Boy - "$750."
Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your ball and glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball."
The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
The son says "$1,000."
The father says, "It's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That's way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "It's dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again!"

65 year old texan walking in vegas down the strip on a friday see's this model walking alone who is 28 years old.
He stops the model and says " darling, your the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world, are you single? she nods her head yes. Well i would like to buy you a diamond ring for the most beautifull girl in the world. NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
so they enter the jewelry together. The texan says to the jeweler. Bring me your finest diamond rings as i would like to buy a ring for this beautiful women. So he brings out a box of diamond rings and says all of these start at 5k to 20k. The texan gets all upset at the jeweler. Sir this is the most beautifull girl in the whole wide world, is this the best you got. The model blushed. so the jewler comes out with a box and says "sir all of these start at 100k to 250k. the old man says "darling choose any ring you want. the model who diddnt want to look like a gold digger chooses a 100 k ring. The texan says i would like to pay by check. The jewler says to the old man. sir it's 10 minutes to 5 on a friday and the banks close. There is no way i can run to the bank and cash your check. So what i'm going to do is hold this ring for you till monday and first thing in the morning when it clears i'll call you and you can come by to pick it up. monday morning comes and the jewler phones the old man and says " sir you have no money in your bank account, how do you expect to pay for it. the 65 old texan responds" i know iknow iknow, but let me tell you about my weekend.

How do you tell when your girlfriend is in love with you?

When you put your hand down her pants and it feels like your feeding a horse!

Last Edited by Totoo on 12/17/2012 08:22 PM

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.


What is the definition of a Wife? An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

Superman had a day off from fighting crime, so he flew over to Batman & Robins cave to see if they wanted to hang out, they were busy crime fighters and so Superman decided to fly over to Wonder Woman's building.

Wonder Woman lived in a nice Metropolis condo, the huge bay windows left open as to have a nice evening breeze. Wonder Woman was laying nude on her back, spread eagle on the bed, when all of a sudden...WHOOSH, BAM, WHOOSH. Wonder Woman said, "What in the hell was that"? The Invisible Man said, "I don't know, but my asshole sure hurts"?

So This Guy Goes To Hell


So this guy goes to hell and he's not happy about it.
So he goes to the Devil and voices his concerns:
"Devil Dude Sir, I don't think i belong here; I mean I was always nice to people, helped old ladies across the streat, gave money for good causes, worked hard to pay for stuff honestly, I even went to church every Sunday."
The Devil takes notice and says:
"Their may have been a clerical error and I'll look into it but how do you know you won't like it here? We have a lot of fun! Do you like to drink?"
"Oh yes i like to drink."
"Good! Every Tuesday night we drink till we puke, we drink bourbon, beer, wine, scotch, tequila, you name it we have it all."
"Oh well, I must say that does sound like fun."
"Do you like to smoke?"
"Oh yes I like smoking."
"Good, every wednesday we smoke our brains out, we smoke weed, crack, cigars, pipes and cigarettes untill were green, all night!"
"Wow, maybe I will like it here!"
"Well don't jump the gun, are you gay?"
"Oh no, I'm not gay!"

"Your gonna hate Thursday."

LOL

Without a doubt notinfallible is the winner.

Congats :).


I wish GLP'ers all the best for the next week as its going to be interesting, and you never know you may see me again(positive thinking).

To all my GLP friend, thank you for the past few years it has been a blast.

Stay close to your family and be prepared and stay safe.

Good luck my friends :)

Ah, bummer. Just wanted to add...

What do West Virginians do for Halloween?

They pump kin!

That's funny because it's more than likely true.

What is an easy way to remember that the first mass produced "tooth brush" was invented in England?

If it was invented anywhere else it would be called a "teeth brush".

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SOMEONE DECODE THIS NOW

I appreciate the upgrade!

Peace!