Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating.

I asked why and she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you."

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What's the hardest part about eating bald pussy?

Putting the diaper back on.

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What's so good about fucking twenty-eight year olds?

There's twenty of them!

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What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?

The wheelchair.

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What do you say to a black kid on a bike?

Stop! Thief!

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Marriage is like a hurricane. It starts with a lot of sucking and blowing, then you lose your house.

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How many menstruating women does it take to change a light bulb?

Four.

Why?

IT JUST DOES!!!

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Why do women wear make-up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and they smell bad.

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What did the leper say to the prostitute?

Keep the tip.

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I was watching a movie with the kids a few nights ago and my daughter looked up at me and said "Daddy do you think that lady is going to die?"

I had to think for a while before I replied, "Well judging by the size of that horse's cock I would say yes!"

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My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

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I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection... but she did.

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Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said, "No!!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frikkin' cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

THE END.

How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
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What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? About 45 pounds.
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Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.
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What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
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What is the definition of making love? Something a woman does while a guy is humping her.
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What do rednecks do for Halloween? Pump kin!
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What’s the difference between a dog and a fox? About eight pints of beer.
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A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade: Who has the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she’s 18.
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What do you say to a woman with no arms and no legs? Nice tits!
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Last Edited by notinfallible on 12/17/2012 06:26 AM

Blonde Jokes?
HOW FAR
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking.... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away, Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo…….. can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor". She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed , then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?”.
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde".
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" “HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"


After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy. Calmly, she replied, "That´s me before the operation."

What did one gay man say to the other when they came across a beautiful, naked blond woman laying unconscious on the sidewalk?










You hold her down.........and I'll do her hair.

best joke of alltime ,how do you get all mankind to believe in god and follow you for several thousand years,,just promise the dumb arses that when they die they are going to live forever,,,,thats gotta be the biggest joke of the millenium. so i win wheres my upgrade?

your joke wins but mine wasnt antigay

ok
what kind of coffee do black people drink


SA-BRO

ok so i havnt one yet. theres this mega obesse /fat woman and you need to fuch her. how do you go about this? you roll her naked in flour to find her wet patch,,lol

are you asleap thats not funny

thats worse than what i posted

Whats that wrinkled up old thing on grandma?................Grandpaw

whats fat chicks and mopeds have in common? there both fun to ride until your friends see you on one

Is it a coincidence that all the racist,paedophiles and sexually deranged sick and just plain sick fucks on GLP turn up on this particular thread?
I think not.
You're the joke OP.

heres ma best one for you all on this special week,

custards last stand and the indians have him tied up against a stake in the ground, they are just going to scalp him, so the chief gives him one last request,
he whistles his faithfull companion over ,(his horse) and whispers into its ear,
the indians are bewildered as the horse gallops away,
soon to return with a beautiful naked women on its back.
the untie him and he does the buissness,
the indians are amazed, they give him another request,
once again he whistled his horse over, and whispers in its ear,





I SAID BRING ME A POSSY.

So, three blondes walk into a building...





























You'd think *one* of them would have seen it!

Ba dum baaaa!

Everyone on GLP is a 100% sane and rational person

My six-year-old son caught me masurbating this morning. He said, 'What are you doing daddy?' 'It's called wanking,' I replied. 'You'll be doing this soon.' 'Why, daddy?' he asked. 'Because my arm is fucking killing me.'
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What did the mongoloid say to his dog? Down! Syndrome.
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What is the best thing about fucking 68 year olds? There is 60 of them.
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What does the Jewish pedophile say? Hey kids, want to buy some candy?
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What did you expect? Shirley and Lamp Chops doing hand puppets or something?

These are jokes. These jokes are meant to be funny, and they DO NOT necessarily represent how we feel. They are jokes dude....lighten up.

A couple was just happily married and were all set to have thier honeymoon and both were virgins.
All of a sudden a intruder broke in on them just as they got into the bed to have some hanky panky.
He over powered both of them and tied both up.
He threw her on the bed and the husband on the floor.
Her husband whipered quitely honey no matter what he does to you I will always love you.
The intruder came out of the bathroom with a jar of vasaline and
started jerking the husbands pants down.
The wife exclaimed.
Honey no matter what he does to you I will always love you.

Any winners being declared in near future or the recent past?

OP just updated his comedy routine, the best joke is on everyone who posted,


some are lollipops, but the rest of your may be suckers-
PT Barnum(paraphrased)

Why are there no numbers after 8?

Because 7 8 9 and 10.

I just read the last of pages, now I wish I hadn't posted on here.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ...

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!

Did you hear about the two lepers playing poker?

One threw in his hand, the other laughed his head off.

Shit OP wins aha

Who remembers blowing bubbles as a kid?

i dont blow bubbles since im not gay, get it blow?

He said Hi!

Q: What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a Jew?
A: Santa Claus goes down the chimney.