Anyone want a free upgrade? Best joke wins!! - Winner = notinfallible | |
Playto19 User ID: 2153952 United States 12/17/2012 12:11 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | The bar tender wipes his face and warns him to stop. The leprechaun orders another slams it jumps on the bar and pppppiiiith The bar tender is pissed and tells the leprechaun that the next time he does that he will cut off his pecker. The leprechaun unfazed orders another slams it jumps up on the bar pulls down his pants and pppppllllth The bar tender grabs a knife and screams YOU DON'T HAVE A PECKER HOW DO YOU PEE? The leprechaun simply replys pppppppplllllllttttthhhhh Only by pride comes contention, but with the well advised wisdom. Politics the entertainment branch of the government~ Frank Zappa |
BadMoonRising User ID: 4583236 United Kingdom 12/17/2012 12:13 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | A man calls 911 obviously distraught screaming. 'She's dead, my wife is dead'. So the operator tries to calm him down: 'Sir, slow down. We need to make sure that she really is dead - can you do that for me' 'OK' the man replies tearfully. The line goes quiet for a few seconds when the operator hears two loud gunshots. The man comes back on the line, 'Right, she's definately dead, now what?' |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 1210737 United States 12/17/2012 12:13 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | A cop pulls over a car speeding through his small town. The cop goes up to the driver and asks for his ID. The driver gives it to him. Cop looks at it, gives it back and then writes the driver a ticket. After the cop hands the ticket to the driver, the cop punches the driver in the mouth. The driver yells out in pain and asked the cop what the fuck he hit him for. The cop tells him, "thats for speeding through town and a reminder not to do it again. Cop walks around to passengers side and asks passenger for his ID. Passenger gives cop his ID. Cop looks at ID and gives it back, and then punch the passenger in the mouth. Passenger also yells out in pain, and asks what the hell did he punch him for. The cop turns to the passenger and says in a nice com voice, thats for when I walk back to my car and you turn to your buddy and say " I wish that asshole woulda tried that shit whit me". |
peacetard User ID: 30135502 United States 12/17/2012 12:16 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | A cop pulls over a car speeding through his small town. The Quoting: Anonymous Coward 1210737 cop goes up to the driver and asks for his ID. The driver gives it to him. Cop looks at it, gives it back and then writes the driver a ticket. After the cop hands the ticket to the driver, the cop punches the driver in the mouth. The driver yells out in pain and asked the cop what the fuck he hit him for. The cop tells him, "thats for speeding through town and a reminder not to do it again. Cop walks around to passengers side and asks passenger for his ID. Passenger gives cop his ID. Cop looks at ID and gives it back, and then punch the passenger in the mouth. Passenger also yells out in pain, and asks what the hell did he punch him for. The cop turns to the passenger and says in a nice com voice, thats for when I walk back to my car and you turn to your buddy and say " I wish that asshole woulda tried that shit whit me". So true this too shall pass |
Dr. Pickle User ID: 12313542 United States 12/17/2012 12:18 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 18226170 United States 12/17/2012 12:24 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones Dear Timmy, Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas, Santa Claus Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! T-Bone Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything. Timmy Timmy, That's what I thought you little bastard. Santa |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 15366249 United States 12/17/2012 12:34 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Joke- when is it bedtime at Micheal Jackson's house? Quoting: Smashy76 Punchline- when the big hand touches the little hand. Jk- What did the Mexican kid down the street get for Christmas? Pl- My bike. Jk- wife says to husband " dear, there's a blown lightbulb in the barhroom, could u fix it?" Husband says "who the fuck do I look like? Bob Villa?" The next day the wife says " Hun, the door knob is broken, could u fix it please?" The husband replies "who the fuck do I look like? Bob Villa?" The Next day the husband gets home from work and the wife says "Hun the fridge is broken, could you fix it?" Again the husband replies "who the fuck do I look like, Bob fucking Villa? FUCK!" The next day the husband comes home and see's that everything is fixed. He's in a bit awe and asks his wife if she fixed it all. She replies, " actually no, there was a knock on the door and it was Bob Villa! He said he'd fix all of it for a baked pie or a blowjob" The husband replies "that's great! What kind of pie did you make?" The wife replies "who the fuck do I look like, Betty Crocker?!?" Jk- why'd the pervert cross the road? PL- his dick was stuck in the chicken. Bob Villa one my favorite but I am a chick so go figure. LOL |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 19278794 United States 12/17/2012 01:20 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward (OP) User ID: 29125921 New Zealand 12/17/2012 02:40 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward (OP) User ID: 29125921 New Zealand 12/17/2012 02:52 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Dear Santa, Quoting: IndigoMoon How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 5 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day. Merry Christmas, Timmy Jones Dear Timmy, Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with. Merry Christmas, Santa Claus Mr. Claus, Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite? Respectfully, Tim Jones Mr. Jones, While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days. Very Truly Yours, S Claus Now look here Fat Man, I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN! T-Bone Listen Pizza Face, Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your shit wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia. S Clizzy Dear Santa, Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything. Timmy Timmy, That's what I thought you little bastard. Santa |
Balloons User ID: 30033832 Denmark 12/17/2012 03:04 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Balloons User ID: 30033832 Denmark 12/17/2012 03:05 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 1310035 New Zealand 12/17/2012 03:21 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | IN A VACUUM Quoting: Generation Doom A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?" LOLZ |
Kybeam User ID: 27604421 United States 12/17/2012 04:30 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
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andawg221 User ID: 30112245 United States 12/17/2012 04:40 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
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Anonymous Coward User ID: 21482523 United States 12/17/2012 04:49 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Four nun's got in a car accident and died. Of course, they went up to heaven and St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate. "Ladies, please confess your sins so that you may pass through the gates," says St. Peter. Well, naturally, the first nun walks up and says, "St. Peter, I must confess I once saw a man's penis!" Don't worry, says St. Peter, go wash your eyes in that holy water and your sin will be forgiven. The second nun comes up and says, "I must confess I once touched a man's penis!" "Ohhh," says St. Peter, that is truly a sin, but go and was your hands in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven." Meanwhile, in the background the THIRD and FOURTH nuns are going at it, yelling and cursing at each other. "What is the problem, that you should make so much noise at the gates of heaven?" asks St. Peter. "Well," says the FOURTH nun, "there is NO WAY I am going to gargle with that holy water after HER ass has been in it!!!" |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 1310035 New Zealand 12/17/2012 04:56 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Four nun's got in a car accident and died. Of course, they went up to heaven and St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate. Quoting: Anonymous Coward 21482523 "Ladies, please confess your sins so that you may pass through the gates," says St. Peter. Well, naturally, the first nun walks up and says, "St. Peter, I must confess I once saw a man's penis!" Don't worry, says St. Peter, go wash your eyes in that holy water and your sin will be forgiven. The second nun comes up and says, "I must confess I once touched a man's penis!" "Ohhh," says St. Peter, that is truly a sin, but go and was your hands in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven." Meanwhile, in the background the THIRD and FOURTH nuns are going at it, yelling and cursing at each other. "What is the problem, that you should make so much noise at the gates of heaven?" asks St. Peter. "Well," says the FOURTH nun, "there is NO WAY I am going to gargle with that holy water after HER ass has been in it!!!" |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 21482523 United States 12/17/2012 05:02 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you." So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind." The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out! "The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.' The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded! "So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.' "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible. "The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'" The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head. |
Ballin on Your Tax Dollars User ID: 9927807 United States 12/17/2012 05:04 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Debauchery User ID: 15455863 United States 12/17/2012 05:05 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | I'm not here for an upgrade. I just popped in to say farewell. Come back soon! You know you want to. And the LORD spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it. I am an evil giraffe, and I shall eat more leaves from this tree than perhaps I should, so that other giraffes may die. |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 21482523 United States 12/17/2012 05:05 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 21482523 United States 12/17/2012 05:07 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 25091830 United States 12/17/2012 05:09 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |
Anonymous Coward User ID: 21482523 United States 12/17/2012 05:10 PM Report Abusive Post Report Copyright Violation | |