Oh, it's so dark and I can't see
my crystal ball and blue fairy
my unicorn dolls and rainbow pics
my tarot cards and magic tricks

I need the meds my doc prescribed
that help me reach my higher vibe
Then I'll pretend I've achieved ascension
Not really chained in dark detention.

I'll tell them that I celebrate
with my chakrah while I meditate
My demon said it will resonate
and my golden aura penetrate.

I'll tell them it's inside them
if they could only trust
And you don't need no Jesus,
I'll tell them with disgust

And when I stand in judgment
on that fateful day
Go to outer darkness!
I'll hear Jesus say

And when the gates of Hell close tight
and part me from the real light
I'll cry to God
But He withdrew--
Depart lost soul
I never knew you!

Repent new-ager!