Granny reeks of piss. How do I tell her?

Yes...This works but it costs a fortune to keep spraying her with it.

I was once tempted to cause a flood in the house just so she would be soaked and diluted a little bit, because that's how bad it's getting.

Even her cat seems to look at her all disgusted, or it seems that way.
It doesn't look happy.

There could be something in this, because she calls Dolly, her neighbour, stinky drawers and says to me that she can't understand how Doris can't smell herself.

Can you see the dilemma I'm in?

It's not the first time they've fought.
One day, a few years ago now, Doris threw a brick through Grannies window, so Granny went one better and caked a brick in dog poo and threw it through Doris's window, with a note on saying, " next time it'll be a base ball bat"

She's crazy like that and won't let no one get the better of her.

I might sound soft here but she has beat me up a few times with her slippers.
Ok they're just slippers, yet one of her slippers had a big heel on it, due to her having a club foot and that's the one she uses when she gets angry.

I put a lot of effort into putting new lightbulbs up for her but I never see her eating one of those.

I do all sorts for her and when she offers me food, I always say no, but she makes it anyway.

A few times, I've took it home, saying I'll eat it later and gave it to the dog and he even looks at me suspiciously.

She still does a Jane Fonda workout 4 times a week.
Well, not the full work out, yet she does the full work out over 4 days.

She once kicked me in the chin from a standing slipper start.

She doesn't mix her words. She tells me I have shit breath and tells me to gargle with sewage as it would smell better.

That's when I get tempted to shout, " look at yourself, stinking gusset"

Just start pissing on her while she's sitting there and when she reacts, just act shocked and indignant, and try to explain that you thought she was wanting people to piss on her so the urea would soften the cloth fibers in her dress, because you smelled piss on her.

Tell her they do that in Yemen.

This is what you do with your time?

You know your civilization is on it's way out. Right?

I once tried that but with a bucket of piss and pretended I was gonna wash her windows, then pretended to trip and threw the bucket of piss over her.

She just sat there and turned the fire up till it dried into her clothes, which made it 100 times worse, so I won;t be trying that again.

Old folks do lose their sense of smell. Tell grandma it smells like pee pee in the house.

I simply daren't tell her to her face that she absolutely reeks of dried stale piss and unwashed bum, as I know she will batter me with her slipper. (the big heeled one)

I done that a few times and she just blames the cat.

Get her some help. She's 91 for Christ's sake, and someone should help her bathe, etc. She would never tell you she needs help. You will regret it when she's gone, and you know she needs it. SO HIRE SOME HELP FOR HER.

Thank you, OP. I really needed to laugh.

I tried all that and she says, "if you ever try to get me outside help, I'll curse you."

She's so independent with everyday things, it's just the fixing things in her home that she can't do.

You're welcome.

I realise that this is a prank post but it raises serious issues so will respond.

As someone else said, an elderly person might well have a bladder infection, they are common in the elderly.

Also, if granny has that amount of ammonia in contact with her fragile elderly person skin, she is no doubt experiencing skin irritation and possibly sores.

As a responsible and caring grandchild, and you are, I would hope, you need to contact the local aged care authorities and arrange a health and psychological assessment for her. She needs more assistance than you are able to provide for her, as urinary incontinence is a common problem.

This. Be honest and loving and offer her a solution and some help.

Yes.

I took some of her old face cloths over in a plastic bag to let them smell it and they came out to see her.
I specifically asked them not to say they have come because she stinks to high heaven as she would go crazy.

They hatched a plot to say they were giving away free cosmetics and pants and stuff, plus pads to all people over 70 and as her name came up on the list they were bringing her the stuff.

When they came, the nurse said she would need to check her out and strangely enough, Granny allowed her to do so.
When the nurse had finished, she came out to me (eyes streaming) and said that Granny had extremely strong urine and asked me what she drank.

I told her that she always drank very strong coffee and nothing else.
The nurse was about to tell me something but didn't get the chance, because my granny came behind her and walloped her on the head with the heel of her big slipper, twice.

The heel was a big solid rubber heel, due to her club foot and it split the nurses head open.

The nurse is still of work due to that incident to this day, which is 4 months later.

My Granny was jailed for 3 months but released after just one day because of her odour I think.

The nurse is claiming 100 grand compo from her, claiming she has lost some of her memory and has a big lump like a hunchback on the back of her head which makes her self conscious.

So there you go, it's not as though I haven't tried.

Can you suggest the best way of dealing with it, bearing in mind what she's capable of?

What would you do, given the exact same position?

Really, which one?

One at the back.

Can't you kill her or something?

If you look at her floor closely, you'll see the splatter drops from her mobile dribbling.

I had a roommate who drank too much (booze) and she would leave piss tracks across the floor to her toilet.

It wasn't that she had a weak bladder so much as the fact she was so damn lazy and drunk, that getting up to pee was apparently a bothersome chore for her.

Because she was a filthy pig otherwise - her part of the house always had a loose drust of dust and dirt - so her dog would walk through it and leave little footprints all over the floors.

I did feel bad for her stupid little dog.

drust = crust

Pee mixed with dust/dirt creates a very slippery mud.

Stinking to high heaven of stale, unbelievably strong stale piss is no reason for her demise.

I think I might have found a solution.

I'm gonna buy her a chemical suit that covers her from head to foot, plus fitted helmet and tell her that there's a virus in the air from a botched lab experiment that attacks anyone over 90.

I'll have a little tap fitted at the bottom, so he can go out in the garden and empty any wee and stuff out, meaning I won;t smell anything.

Shut up Jew, tired of your sick toilet humor. How do I know your a (fake) Jew? Because it's the mark of your people, going all the way back to your true ancestors, the Khazars.