I've lived your life too, and while the whole idea has crossed my mind way too many times in the past, I decided a long long time ago that after working so hard to stay ahead of that evil wave, to kill myself would probably bring all the evil things and people who worked so hard to get me to kill myself much happiness so I decided to endure and get through it. It helps that I believe in God and Jesus and have found reading the Bible is extremely helpful in times of particular darkness. I am extremely frustrated with how bad things continually are and maybe it makes me stupid, but I just keep going about my life as if I'm going to win it just because they don't deserve watching me fail. Please consider this, I swear to you I've been there, am there and will probably always be wearing your shoes. Praying for you just as I pray for myself. Hang in there...please! The good news is the harder you try to make it good sometimes good stuff slips through anyway and it gets the people who want you to fail really crazy and while they redouble their efforts it gives me great satisfaction I'm OK and going strong. People have found I am probably the most determined, most stubborn person they've ever tried to destroy.