OP .. you are getting so much advice here I hesitate to add anything but feel led to.

Are you a blood bought born again Christian? You don't really say...

Assuming you are.. realize this is complete and total spiritual warfare. We voice our despair.. depression etc. and satan is quick to act upon it. The mind is the battlefield.. keep your thoughts on the Word and repeat various scripture aloud. "God has not given me the spirit of fear but of love, peace and a sound mind" etc. I have the book "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer and would be happy to send it to you.

Most Christians are not aware of the power of our words. When we speak negatively we are in effect handcuffing God and allowing satan to wreak havoc with us.

God is not moved by our situation but moved by our FAITH. Begin to see yourself as God sees you.. precious and one of a kind. There is no one in the world like you. God wants you to succeed and be all that you can be through Him.

Satan on the other hand.. wants you to suffer mentally, physically and spiritually. He would like nothing more than to take you out. Remember that the next time you feel like commiting suicide. Whose agenda are you playing to?

You are a child of the Most High God... the Almighty Creator of the Universe!!! And He wants to know and fellowship with you!!! Embrace Him.. If God be for you who can be against you???????????

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say I imagine you to be a very sensitive person. Very sensitive to others feelings which can also translate into you being super sensitive or thin skinned?? Just a guess.

Take baby steps.. every morning when you wake up get on your face before God and praise Him.. thank Him.. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal Himself to you and guide you. You can not do this alone.. you need God and spiritual intercessors.. find Christian people to talk to.

Listen to praise and worship music. This is an amazing way to praise God and God inhabits the praises of his people. I get more high off doing this than any drug I have ever done in my life.

Hang on OP.. Don't beg God. Act like His Word is True and start thanking Him for all the great things He has in store for you. Even if you don't really feel it.. just say it. Your thinking will soon change.

I'm not convinced Christians who commit suicide to to heaven... what if they don't?? This life is but a vapor, do we want to run the risk of missing heaven?? No way!!

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.. let me know if you're interested in the book.

P.S. I just heard a message yesterday that whatever we focus on, we magnify. If we focus on our trouble .. we magnify them. Magnify the Lord instead

Make up your mind to make some changes ... try for 1 week and see if things haven't improved.