OP, you seem very conflicted and confused, but I offer you hope. I do not know if you are a spiritual man, or even a religious one, but if you seek the truth, the bible tells us that our answers are only a question away from being answered - all that is required of you is to ask your heavenly Father your question, then open your heart and mind for the answers you seek. Our Father is always with us, in each of our thoughts and words, and very much desires for us to seek His guidance - but you must ask for it, then have the strength of faith and courage of conviction to follow what your heart is telling you. I am here for you if you need my help, and I hope you are able to rest your weary and troubled mind soon :-)