I never said I was perfect, but I am a great provider, listener, and friend to my wife. We grow together intellectually as friends, just not as lovers. I believe the core problem with her sex drive is related to her strict religious upbringing and her guilt for sexual intimacy. She says that she is still attracted to me, but that she just lacks the sex drive and she doesn't find sex appealing period. She perceives it as a duty and she has said outright in one of our discussions that she could live without it for the rest of her life and be quite happy not thinking about it with anyone. I guess you'd have to see if from within to see that she really doesn't have a sex drive with me, anyone else or even herself. What this 10 year marriage has taught me is that some women are takers and some are givers. My wife is a taker that gives very little back to anyone in her life including her friends. If I would have recognized this in her at the beginning I would have never have dated her let alone married her. When we were dating she felt like I was about to break up with her and she sent me an email stating that "to wish for a bracelet of blood was cathartic", and she cut her wrists (slightly) with a knife to make me feel sorry for her and stay. I wasn't even thinking about breaking up with her at that time, I was just busy studying for exams as it was my last year in business school. My friends told me that I should have ran and I should have listened. My thoughts on this now that I am a bit older and wiser is that this was an extremely selfish act on her part and it speaks volumes of who she is. Quoting: Anonymous Coward 28249357
Dearest TS, i honestly understand what you're trying to say in your OP, and i would like to say thank you, for sharing this story/warning with us. I think a lot of us take this for granted. And a lot of us, stop taking care of ourselves/our partners, once we settled down. We thought, our job is done. We got the person we wanted, and that's it. We can now relax. Little do most of us realize, that the REAL job, is just beginning. A happy and successful marriage, is a permanent and long-term job. It simply means, partners need to WORK to make it a happy and successful marriage. It needs efforts from both parties, ALL THE TIME. There is no such thing, as a SAFE PERIOD. Your duty and responsibility as a partner-in-marriage, starts as soon as you say, 'I DO'. Unfortunately, 99 percent partners-in-marriage, act as if the marriage is going to last happily ever after, just like in the fairy tales. Partners assume that, happy marriages work on auto schedule and that they don't need any effort to maintain their marriage. No wonder the divorce rate is getting higher and higher each year...
On the other hand, TS, what you're doing here, is not quite right in itself. It's good that you're sharing this story with us, BUT, please realize, you need to share this story with your wife as well, if she REALLY is your friend, and if you still have any RESPECT for her. What you're doing actually, is revealing your own weaknesses in your marriage, and your inability to handle/tackle this problem on your own. Had you been able to tackle this problem, you wouldn't be sharing it here, publicly. That is No. 1.
No. 2 - Imagine how your wife aka your friend would feel, if she found out that you blabbed about your marriage problems in an open Forum like this? Don't you think she would be deeply hurt? Instead of confiding in her, whom you regarded as your FRIEND, you confided in strangers. I know if my partner does that to me, I will have a very difficult time forgiving and trusting my partner again. Even if no one knows who my partner really is, that is not the point.
No. 3 - Imagine if she does the same thing to you, how would you feel? Would you be happy, knowing your wife has shared about your weaknesses on a public forum, with strangers, instead of you? Imagine if she says, 'my husband has premature ejaculation problem'. Wouldn't you feel embarrassed even if no one knows who you are?
No. 4 - Putting all that aside, if she is REALLY your friend, you would have been able to chat with her about anything under the skies. You would NEVER have done something like this. What's more, to someone you love, although no longer IN love. But since you have done this, you need to check on your 'friend/love status' again... if you REALLY love someone, the last thing you would want to do, is to hurt that person.
No. 5 - Thou shalt not badmouth one another. Your 1st post is enough already. But when you exposed her characters more, including the story of how she cut her wrist, you exposed her weaknesses further. You showed everyone, how BAD she was/is, not realizing that while you're typing down all that, you're only exposing YOUR TRUE PERSONALITY. And that is, YOU BADMOUTHED. You were the one who made the decision to marry her, and now, all of a sudden, it's ALL HER FAULT. Do you realize that from the very 1st post you made, NEVER ONCE, had you admitted that MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, you have some faults of your own, that MAY HAVE LED to her being COLD toward sex? You ONLY saw yourself as having done everything PERFECTLY, as if you have no flaws of your own? This shows that you are a very EGOISTIC person, not being able to even have a DOUBT, THAT MAYBE, you DID contribute something to this problem, WITHOUT YOU REALIZING IT? ALL your posts only mentioned of your wife's imperfections, but what about yours? If you're going to refute this VERY POINT by saying, 'but i've done everything i could - perfectly', well then, you really have a much bigger problem than her aloofness toward sex. IT'S YOUR OWN PERSONALITY THAT YOU SHOULD THINK OF THEN. If you can't and not willing to change yourself, don't expect others to change for you.
No. 6 - Cheating is never healthy for any relationship. You broke your vow the moment you do this. You broke her heart the moment you do this. You no longer LOVE her enough, to not cheat on her. Would you be happy, if she does the same to you? You may not believe that Karma exists, but somehow, someday, what you do now, will come back to haunt you, in moments when you least expect it. Don't believe it? No problem. Karma doesn't need anyone's faith for it to work. And when it does work, it works like a charm.
No. 7 - But since you have done this, there is no turning back. Just pray she never found out about this thread for as long as you are still married to her. TS, if there is even a slightest REMORSE in your heart, that you still have for her, a slightest RESPECT in your heart, that you still have for her, a slightest LOVE, that you still have for her, BE A REAL MAN, and tell her EXACTLY how you feel. If you can't do it face to face, write an e-mail, or a LONG LETTER. But just DO IT ALREADY. Don't claim that both of you are friends, if you can't even communicate with her about this very important thing in your life. It IS important right? Then how come something as important as this, be kept from your other half? If you don't get to the bottom of this, then how are you going to 'figure her out'? Do you REALLY feel happy and satisfied inside, by unloading all these on a public forum, putting all the blame on her, when you could and should have done it with your one and only wife? Why can't you just have a slow talk with her, even if that is the LAST RESORT? WHY?
No. 8 - Remember all the good things that she had done for you, remember all the smiles, all the laughs that you both shared all this while, all the POSITIVE things that you both had done and enjoyed doing together. Why are you focusing on ALL THE NEGATIVES, just because of SEX? You know, we all are going to die one day - how do you want to be remembered? You want to be remembered as someone who regards SEX more than anything else? Or do you want to be remembered as someone loving, and who's willing to be RATIONAL and WISE, when time gets tough?
No. 9 - Tell her TS. By not telling her how you really feel inside, you're not only hurting her, but you are also hurting yourself. You cannot repair a broken computer, if you don't know where the problem lies. TRACE THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM, NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS FOR BOTH OF YOU. BE OPEN WITH ONE ANOTHER, NO MATTER HOW HARD IT IS TO HEAR THE TRUTH. And after you have found out the root of the problem, you both have to decide upon the SOLUTION. Be CONSIDERATE. Give and take. If then, and ONLY THEN, you're not willing to co-operate, or she's not willing to co-operate, then file a proper divorce. At least, there won't be any regrets for the both of you, because you know, you have done EVERYTHING POSSIBLE, to save up your marriage. If you don't do this, there is a possibility, that your next relationship will face the same problem. Again and again and again... UNTIL YOU FINALLY LEARNT YOUR LESSON.
No. 10 - Everything in life, HAPPENS FOR A REASON. You will keep encountering the same problem, UNTIL you finally learnt the lesson that was meant for you to learn. You will keep doing the same thing, the same mistake, until you learnt. So TS, whether you believe me or not, there is a lesson in all this, that was meant ONLY FOR YOU. There is something in this that life wants you to learn from, even if you may not see it now. If you succeed, you will move on to another lesson. But if you fail, this lesson will keep coming back to haunt you, no matter how far you try to hide or run away.
You decide, your own sadness and happiness... I hope you choose WISELY. All the best. God bless.