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27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 16040708
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01/14/2013 11:26 AM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Two years ago my best friend jumped from a bridge taking his own life. I never thought he was the "type" but I guess anyone can be when faced with a seemingly hopeless situation i.e: drugs, debt,closed doors & no more second chances...
Its cliched but its "what you leave behind". His family was torn apart as was I. His mother is a shell of herself & his father is in denial, almost like his son is just away on vacation, not dead...very sad...very strange.
A piece of all of us died with him, I miss him dearly and wish I could have been there to talk him out of it. These wounds will never heal,I just hope he is at peace.
warrior poet (OP)

User ID: 12147523
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01/14/2013 12:10 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Two years ago my best friend jumped from a bridge taking his own life. I never thought he was the "type" but I guess anyone can be when faced with a seemingly hopeless situation i.e: drugs, debt,closed doors & no more second chances...
Its cliched but its "what you leave behind". His family was torn apart as was I. His mother is a shell of herself & his father is in denial, almost like his son is just away on vacation, not dead...very sad...very strange.
A piece of all of us died with him, I miss him dearly and wish I could have been there to talk him out of it. These wounds will never heal,I just hope he is at peace.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 16040708


I have read, of accounts of other suicide attempt survivors..people that went right up to the entrance to the valley. And were greeted with the same moment of regret.

It's a siren song. It really is. I found suicide was the path of least resistance. I was worn out and tired, afraid. As I wrote, I got up to walk home and return the rifle but remembering I had to deal with yet another a@@ kicking, through the door of life lay my life's problems. I didn't think I could manage anymore. Through the barrel of the gun, lay the a new route and all I had to do was knock out one last pier supporting my will to live and it would be over. It was only when the gun went off, and I could see life as it was that I knew I had made a terrible choice. I was unable to undo. I made a new choice that has impacted my life to this day...choose to lay there and accept the reailty of what I did and bleed out or move towards life and fight for my life. It was only by a divine intervention I survived.

I feel your friend also, regretted what he did. No suicide is ever the same. I am average...but every day 104 people die from suicide. For every successful attempt there are 25 failed attempts. This means every day 2,600 people are trying suicide. Every year 36,000 people die from suicide...I quote this simply to say, I don't think my experience was uniquely mine alone. I think, many are seduced by the siren song, led down a path they regret taking when they fully see life as it is. I wish you peace and healing in time and prayer for you and your friends family

ETA these were only stats from the US, globally it's almost one million deaths per year.

Last Edited by warrior poet on 01/14/2013 12:14 PM
January Wolves

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01/14/2013 02:03 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
5* and green for you for telling your story to help others. It must have been difficult to share but you have undoubtedly helped many people by doing so.

Wishing the best for you, and your family, always!
BRIEF
Rebel with morals

User ID: 381742
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01/14/2013 02:07 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Well, you won't answer my question apparently OP, but I'm happy you got over your suicide, not everyone does...
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
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01/14/2013 03:15 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Sounds to me like you (OP) tried to kill the wrong person - which obviously was yourself. You were really trying to kill your horribly abusive father but couldn't do it for a lot of reasons. As a child you blamed yourself not realizing YOU weren't the problem - your dad (and biological mother) were. Children blame themselves for family problems which is so incredible sad.

Am glad you're alive to tell your story. Life is indeed precious but I believe the real story is - is that you must avoid mean and abusive people at your first opportunity in life - even is that means leaving home at a young age.

Am speaking from experience - I left at 17 - to get away from my horrible abusive father - married a guy 20 years older - lot of more horrible abuse (ended in divorce) - but in the end, decades later - all is well in my world with a loving husband and good kids. In the meantime, I had thought of suicide every.single.day. - life is an incredible struggle.

Thanks for sharing OP. hf
T-Cain
Top Hat

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01/14/2013 03:48 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Sounds something like my life growing up. My father would bring home poisonous snakes for me to play with. Was raised in a cult. Abusive mother. Sexually abusive father. Beatings.
I turned out ok. Strong will to survive.
Anonymous Coward
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01/14/2013 05:01 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
At one point in my late 20s, I found myself on the street - homeless. I suffer with Post Truamatic Stress Disorder and still the bouts of depression, making keeping a job difficult at times.
 Quoting: warrior poet


thank you, for your story.

grauniad.co.uk/science/2012/dec/27/mdma-ecstasy-post-traumati​c-stress-disorder

(can't post a link to the properly spelt name of the paper due to GLP)

(canadian government recently approved of the use of MDMA for PTSD vets, if you care what a government thinks)
SPUDModerator
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01/14/2013 05:29 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Don't post that again or the same thing will happen, OP.
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most"
___________
"May your chains rest lightly upon you..."
Anonymous Coward
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01/14/2013 05:35 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Well hopefully it didn't skip a generation like schizophrenia.
warrior poet (OP)

User ID: 12147523
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01/14/2013 05:37 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Don't post that again or the same thing will happen, OP.
 Quoting: SPUD


I am really sorry, I'm not certain what it post you are referring to. I won't post anything further. I hoped to reach some, I noticed yesterday a thread from an AC, without a job...and refering to himself as a "loser" my heart went out to the guy, I picked up a vibe and I wanted to share my story. Thank you
warrior poet (OP)

User ID: 12147523
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01/14/2013 05:38 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Well, you won't answer my question apparently OP, but I'm happy you got over your suicide, not everyone does...
 Quoting: BRIEF


One last, comment...no I didn't
SPUDModerator
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01/14/2013 05:45 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
You must be copy and pasting something, or making the same run on sentence without a space, consistently. It's got past. in it.
Keep posting, just keep that in mind.
"Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most"
___________
"May your chains rest lightly upon you..."
warrior poet (OP)

User ID: 12147523
United States
01/14/2013 07:10 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
You must be copy and pasting something, or making the same run on sentence without a space, consistently. It's got past. in it.
Keep posting, just keep that in mind.
 Quoting: SPUD


Sure will and thanks. But, I didn't copy or paste anything or willfully put run on sentences. I hope there isn't anything buggy on my side of the line. Thanks for letting me back in
BRIEF
Rebel with morals

User ID: 381742
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01/15/2013 04:49 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Well, you won't answer my question apparently OP, but I'm happy you got over your suicide, not everyone does...
 Quoting: BRIEF


One last, comment...no I didn't
 Quoting: warrior poet


Perhaps one of your issues is lack of any sense of humor...I asked if you still had to do your list of chores after your attempt, and you didn't respond, nor recognized I had read your whole story...and then I congratulated you on surviving your attempt, and you missed that too...life isn't all rainbows, but it doesn't have to be all rainclouds either.
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
Anonymous Coward
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01/15/2013 05:02 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
May you find peace in your life. It can be a very difficult road, this journey we are all on, but it IS worth it. I am sorry to hear of your pain and suffering. Please know that there are people who love you. God bless.
Anonymous Coward
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01/15/2013 05:23 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
My friend of 20 years hung himself on Saturday...his kids and mine are besties.

I think after two abusive marriages, he could no longer think straight and chose the only way out he could think of.

I had no idea he was so distraught because I was not welcome at his house.

those who saw him at xmas time said he seemed happy...Im so confused.
Gratia Plena

User ID: 1220977
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01/15/2013 05:43 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Warrior, this is one of the most compelling, emotional threads/posts I have ever read on this site -- hell, anywhere. My goodness... I don't know what to say. It is very nice to meet you, OP. You are grace to many.
Anonymous Coward
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01/15/2013 05:46 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Well, you won't answer my question apparently OP, but I'm happy you got over your suicide, not everyone does...
 Quoting: BRIEF


One last, comment...no I didn't
 Quoting: warrior poet


Perhaps one of your issues is lack of any sense of humor...I asked if you still had to do your list of chores after your attempt, and you didn't respond, nor recognized I had read your whole story...and then I congratulated you on surviving your attempt, and you missed that too...life isn't all rainbows, but it doesn't have to be all rainclouds either.
 Quoting: BRIEF


Douche
Gratia Plena

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01/15/2013 05:57 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Finished reading the rest of the thread, warrior. You should seriously pitch your story to publishing companies. Learn how to write a query letter. Your life could save so many others if they could hear your story. You are an inspiration in hope. I swallowed a bottle of pills as a teenager due to depression. I had cried out for help in the ways you did. I didn't get the bad grades, but I did miss 30 days of school in the first half of the year. When my parents found out, they pretty much said not to do it again. I wasn't abused like you were; I was ignored. I had no support system. I was forgotten. Recently, old feelings of depression from those times have been creeping back. You remind me to not let those demons back in. Not ever. I always wondered why I woke up after taking so many pills. It was 20 hours later, but why did I wake up? I wondered where I was. I just wasn't there. I have wondered if God saved me. I don't know the answer... but your story has touched that part of me that gives butterflies. The will to live... Thank you, warriorpoet, for your thread. It is in my favorites, and I hope GLP allows is to stay here indefinitely.
NonAlignedEntity

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01/15/2013 06:02 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
No suicide, my friend. No no no.


Homicide though...

Maybe next time.
Overstand, this isn't a sermon from the hill, but a 'Trespassers Will Be Shot' Sign.
Anonymous Coward
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01/15/2013 06:04 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Amazing you survived such trauma..

May I ask why you didn't blow your head off instead?

I mean, when I was suicidal I tried to think of the most possible ways to avoid any suffering, shooting yourself in the chest is not an instant kill, IMO..

Were you trying to somehow be honorable and shooting yourself in the heart?

God bless, and I hope god keeps you busy!
Anonymous Coward
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01/15/2013 06:24 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
My best friend of nearly 20 years shot herself in the head. I was the last person she talked to. For years, I blamed myself because I could not talk her out of it. She'd failed a couple attempts she'd tried before, and I thought she'd run out of her acceptable manners of doing it. I never thought she'd use her granddaddy's gun and make sure she did it right.

I dealt with it okay for the first couple years. But about 3 years in, I felt like I could hardly bear it. Funny how that works, huh. I was over 200 miles away. And because of a couple funny circumstances, I was also the first one to know because I was the only contact that the person who found her could track down, through someone else who had no idea he was telling her best friend what had happened.

She was ill, she would have died a terrible death. Her house would have been lost, she was a story of how an illness can ruin a hardworking wonderful person. She'd signed a home equity loan for a minor amount to do repairs on a house she'd already had totally paid off, right before her new job insurance blood work told her she was very ill without symptoms.

Sorry, a bit of therapy here, I guess. There's not too many who know here now, but we spent so many years together and worked together and I miss her so, so much.

I'm glad you, OP, are here to enjoy life!
Gratia Plena

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01/15/2013 06:58 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
bump
cochise123

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01/15/2013 07:03 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Hey OP, why you just don't admit you FAILED?

You tried to die, but you FAILED!


Don't come with excuses of "life is good", or "life is a gift".

IT'S NOT.


Life is a punishment. Your soul was FORCED to incarnate in this world. As a punishment.


Life is bad, very bad.

Suicide is liberation.

God will not be sad with you if you kill yourself. It's your right. You should not kill other people, but there is no problem in killing yourself.



You just FAILED on your self-liberation attempt. And was coward enough to not try again.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 13550425


The only thing the OP failed at was reaching a polluted mind.

It is bullish and preditory attitudes such as this that cause many people to commit this ultimate act of defiance every day.

Kudos to the OP for telling his story.

Many will read it, and guaranteed one of them will probably be experiencing severe depression at the time.

If it changes one person's decision, then he's more than earned a free ticket in.
Tinfoil is not a fashion accessory.
Anonymous Coward
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01/15/2013 07:29 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Wow Op.. Just.. Wow..
Rickster58

User ID: 9765814
Australia
01/15/2013 08:33 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thanks for sharing OP .... awesome testimony - I hope it helps those contemplating suicide.
Anonymous Coward
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01/15/2013 08:35 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
OP wouldn't be posting if he took his life with a rifle.

troll thread
Anonymous Coward
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01/15/2013 09:13 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
thanks op. i second the statement that you should work on publishing your story. your writing style draw the reader in. and what you have to say is very compelling.
did you ever find out what happened to your mom?
Anonymous Coward
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01/15/2013 09:31 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Twenty seven years ago, at age 16. I took the end of a rifle and put it 1 inch from my heart and pulled the trigger.

Here on Jan 24th I will celebrate my 27th life anniversary.

I used to have a F/B account and wanted to acknowledge my upcoming anniversary but I discontinued my account two weeks ago (don't miss it). I started a suicide prevention page last year, I do miss the page but I left some admins behind to run it for me.


I suffered/suffer with debilitating bouts of depression. I grew up in an abusive home. On occasion I was hit until I bled and was blamed that the beatings...were my fault. I lived in fear for my life from the abuser. One night, when I was 14...the man stopped a truck in the middle of dark reasonably busy road. He turned out the lights on a blind curve, to yell at me for several minutes. I had a chainsaw swung at my head one afternoon. Locked in a bare room for days on end...it goes on. I tried for 7 months to reach out for help. I demonstrated many of the classic signs and symptoms of a suicidal person: I gave things away. I talked about no future...was obsessed with death. Cuts, bruises started to show up on my body. I even read an entry in an encyclopedia entry on suicide to see what I should be doing.

I finally gave into to suicide in June 1985. I made attempts at suicide from June to Jan. or "shows of suicide"... I made a pact with myself. I decided that between Jan 1- May 30...in 1986 I would shoot myself. I reached the resolution phase. The abuse at home was always bad over summer. I was safe in school or in public. The abuser was a high ranking police official. Because, i knew I was going to be dead I had no need for grades or school....my semester collapsed. Classes I typically maintained a passing grade...collapsed to failures. (Another sign something was wrong). I enjoyed my last Christmas. To this day Bruce Springstein's "Santa is Coming to Town" causes PTSD flashbacks. The song was played all the time on the radio a month before I shot myself.

On Jan 23, I brought home the worst grades ever. My step mother happened to catch a look at my brothers grades before mine. His grades weren't bad, but he had seen what happened to me growing up and he was afraid. My step mother warned me, "For your sake...your grades had better be better than this or I wouldn't put it past your father to hurt you."

I had my plan in place. I lied to her. I told her my grades were actually very good and I would have them for her on Monday. They were in my pocket. My exact thought..."It's time" My father got home and bought the lie as well. He gave me a very long list of chores to do for the next day. This list...like the report cards sealed my fate for the next day.


The next day Jan. 24th I got home from school. I set my plan into motion. I snuck a .22
 Quoting: warrior poet


Thank you for being so brave as to share this, I commend you, and hope it will help others. hf

I am a C-PTSD and PTSD survivor, thank you from the bottom of my heart. u2efine

Keep on keeping on...that's my motto. There will be new, and better days, ahead.

smile_kiss
Anonymous Coward
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01/15/2013 10:11 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thank u for sharing. I'm glad your ok and here to help others. Your very strong :-)

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