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27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.

 
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 02:50 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
caliber rifle out of the gun cabinet. It was the perfect size to get out of the house unnoticed. One hollow point bullet. We lived in a rural community. The nearest rescue station was 18 minutes away and unmanned. They had to be summoned by pagers and air-horns. The closest hospital was 18 minutes away. The only persons whom at the time, my younger brother and my elderly grandfather. The community was nothing more than 10 acres of woods seperated by 20 acres of fields with a house and so on and so on.


At 4PM, there were few people home on that Friday Night...I was alone. I climbed out of a window with the rifle. I also grabbed a small Gideon's KJV bible. I walked the .25 miles into the woods and sat down next to a small tranquil creek on a discarded milk crate. I sat for about an hour trying to work up the nerve to shoot myself.

My mother left me without so much a goodbye when I was 4. She wrote me when I was 9 and told me, "You have a brother...maybe one day you can come visit us.." she replaced me. My step mother frequently bragged to me how much better my brother was. I was a sissy, loser that was invisible to the world and had no value or worth. I lived in fear, went to school with bruises and malnourished and no one said anything. I was tired and thought suicide would set me free. But I couldn't pull the trigger. After an hour, I gave up and started to walk back home...than I remembered the list and the grades.


My father, liked list. Not finishing the task on the list would illicit a violent blowback. Because I had been in the woods with a rifle for 1 hour, I sqaundered 1 hour of daylight. He would be home before six. Also, they were expecting good grades on Monday. The failed report cards were in my shirt pocket next to my suicide note.

I went and sat back down next to the small creek on the milk crate. I leafed through the bible...hoping it would inspire me. I struggled with the KJV words, also the text looked microscopic. I shut the bible and laid it on the ground. I closed my eyes and prayed this, "Dear God...send an Angel and deliver me please.." The prayer was heart felt and sincere. I imagined when I opened my eyes I would encounter a burning bush. No moment, I assumed God didn't exist or he was to busy to care for me.

I loaded the rifle and placed it 1 inch left of sternum. I simply didn't pay attention in Anatomy class and thought of the Pledge of Allegiance or I would have aimed more to the right. I pulled the trigger.

The first thing I saw was the muzzle flash before anything. Light moves faster than sound. Nothing could've prepared me for what I had done to myself. The kinetic energy made my chest feel like it was nothing more than a cracking egg. The smells were terrible. Sticky hot sweet aroma mixed with the bitter brass taste of gun powder. For a moment I couldn't see because of the camera flash "pop" light in my eyes. Forget breathing.

If you or anyone is struggling with thoughts of suicide here is what you need to know:

Life is a gift like good health. Remember the last time you were sick? You regretted taking good health for granted. Likewise, I regretted pulling the trigger and wanted to get up off the ground and have a do over. Once a bullet leaves, its gone forever. After twenty seven years...my chest still hurts from it.

Second...nothing can prepare you for it. Nothing. It would be like a dude trying to imagine what a mom goes through when she is pushing a baby out. No manner of education can express what a mom is going through unless you are pushing out a baby. This was no different. There were elements of dying a violent death through suicide I had been ignorant about. I thought I was ready for it...until the bullet hit. My body's will to live fought back. You can't turn that off anymore you can will yourself to not sweat, digest food or make urine.


As I started to bleed out, I became aware of another reality. This reality engaged me. I didn't want to die. I could barely breathe or walk. Let alone yell across the expanse of woods, fields to get help. IMO..it was an Angel that engaged me.

I went aprox 90 minutes without surgical intervention. I don't recollect a traditional NDE moments reported unless the moment of shooting myself was so traumatic much of it has been blocked by my brain to minimize the trauma. I did wake up in the ICU several days before the shuttle Challenger disaster. I struggled with ice chips let alone converse with the events on that Friday nite. While watching television I watched that crew perish. I remember thinking, "They went further than me.." They passed a veil. I knew the transition they were going through instinctively that is my only real sensation I knew was different. I didn't have this prior to the shooting. There are a few minor details but this is long. For years adults wanted to discuss with me the shooting and "boy, you came as close to being dead without being gone forever..." I couldn't talk about it. I know the surgeon had to manipulate my heart to keep it going I can almost still feel his hands on it. Or the sensation of my sternum being compressed. It wasn't until this past year I could sit down and honestly look at where I came from when I was a teenager, I broke the cycle of abuse. My children haven't the foggiest idea what it means to lay in a bed, afraid any moment someone is going to throw a door open and drag them out of the bed in the middle of the night to hit them, scream at them, throw plates of food at them or call them a F*ck up that will never amount to anything.


If you are suicidal please, seek help. Life is worth living even when its beating the snot out of you. It hasn't been easy. People have shunned me all of my life post shooting when the truth about my past came out. They told me in the hospital, you would have had better luck if you had your legs cut off or been burned in a fire than have those scars from a self-inflicted gun shot wound. Much of the horse crap we are told makes us happy, doesn't matter a hill of beans when you take your last breathe. For me, what I focused on: My thoughts were on God and i wanted to grow up and be a father. I didn't think about college or girls, cars etc...I've been called more names than should be allowed in a supposedly civilized society as a result of the shooting. Imagine being 17 years old at a pool trying to swim and there is a bullet pock mark next to your breast bone and a thoracotmy scar from left nipple to spine, "Hey kid, where did you get those scars?"

27 years of life I almost didn't live. I wouldn't have had the joy of being a dad or the simple joy of saying, "today I want to get up and just be thankful
 Quoting: warrior poet


You are amazing.. Never allow anyone to keep you silent.
hearts
warrior poet (OP)

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01/16/2013 03:08 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Very touching OP, and maybe I missed it but did you ever think of running away? Did it just come across as futile because you'd be found eventually and then things might get worse or what?
 Quoting: Sneetch


Honestly the thought occured when I was bleeding to death. I was lying in a field and I thought, "what the h#ll..did I do to myself."

My suicidal thoughts started when I was 9. I was violated one night at a babysitters house. The woman threw me on the floor, sat on me and passed gas. I struggled to get her off of me she refused. So I punched her. Her 18 year old sons witnessed this and pulled me up off the ground and started to throw me around. When my step mother arrived to pick me up they told her, I was aggressive. I told her, what happened... however, the adults said I was a liar. I was punished. I remember wanting to fly away that night and tried to imagine myself as such. Whenver I was in fear, depressed, sad, etc... I viewed myself as flying above and away from the problems. I imagined I would fly to heaven. My grades always were an issue for me because of the home life.

As I say, school was a safe place for me. I dreaded hollidays, weekends and summer vacations. In May 1985 I recieved a letter from the school telling me I had to pay for damaged books, find lost library books or pay the fines or my report cards would be impounded. I knew there would be a sever backlash at home.

I never mentioned this to my family. I knew I had barely passed the 9th grade and my summer looked bleak. For a week after school the folks asked where were my grades. I lied trying to put off the inevetible. One day when I was home alone. I knew it was only a matter of time before it hit the fan, I had a severe panic attack. I know child abuse can cause PTSD in children. I honestly was tired of being afraid.

I saw the guns in the cabinet. I thought, if I pull the trigger it would all be over.

At the end of the summer I got a phone call from the school. They asked why I hadn't shown up to JV football camp. I told them my grades were to bad to play and my father wouldn't let me... they said, "you can play, see you in the morning." I hung up the phone and ran out into the woods to tell him (we were in the woods working he sent me to "fetch" him his smokes when I happen to catch the phone) I explained to him the school called, I can play. He didn't believe me.

After twenty mintues he finally believed the school called. He called me a loser for accepting such a low standard for myself. He said the school was scrapping the bottom of the barrel if they wanted me on the team.

I went to school. They confronted me in the hall and wanted to know why I wasn't on the team. I tried to explain to them what I was dealing with at home...they didn't see it. So over the months, whenver I heistated to alter paths for my life I thought back to how I was unable to get the school to see how hopeless my life was.

I say that as an adult today after twenty plus years of life behind him and the benefit of hindsight.

I honestly wish I had ran away
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 03:09 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Bless you sir - live long and prosper
warrior poet (OP)

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01/16/2013 03:17 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I have my plan in motion, and nothing will stop me! I will not be a cowardly loser like yourself!

Failing at killing yourself is worse than failing at life.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 31966543


I did not fail.

It was by an intervention from another that put my life back. I walked where the Angels stroll. I made "shows" of suicide.

Anyone that really knows suicide, knows about the planning. I made great elaborate plans to end my life inside of my comfort zone. Meaning, I wanted an open casket. I wanted to look like myself and at heart I was a vain teenager.

I thought a bullet through the heart would send me to heaven. I missed the heart because I didn't pay attention in anatomy class. If I knew what I know today, the story would have had a much different ending. But I know things about life and death today, that I was ignornant about before pulling the trigger. I buried my chest into the muzzle of the rifle and pulled the trigger as a teenager. I think my effort was sincere. I simply saw life as it was. I know life is most clear prior to death. I believe it is part of the final reckoning. I pity evil people that don't repent before death. If you are sincere you should seek help.
Pharista
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01/16/2013 03:17 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Very touching OP, and maybe I missed it but did you ever think of running away? Did it just come across as futile because you'd be found eventually and then things might get worse or what?
 Quoting: Sneetch


Honestly the thought occured when I was bleeding to death. I was lying in a field and I thought, "what the h#ll..did I do to myself."

My suicidal thoughts started when I was 9. I was violated one night at a babysitters house. The woman threw me on the floor, sat on me and passed gas. I struggled to get her off of me she refused. So I punched her. Her 18 year old sons witnessed this and pulled me up off the ground and started to throw me around. When my step mother arrived to pick me up they told her, I was aggressive. I told her, what happened... however, the adults said I was a liar. I was punished. I remember wanting to fly away that night and tried to imagine myself as such. Whenver I was in fear, depressed, sad, etc... I viewed myself as flying above and away from the problems. I imagined I would fly to heaven. My grades always were an issue for me because of the home life.

As I say, school was a safe place for me. I dreaded hollidays, weekends and summer vacations. In May 1985 I recieved a letter from the school telling me I had to pay for damaged books, find lost library books or pay the fines or my report cards would be impounded. I knew there would be a sever backlash at home.

I never mentioned this to my family. I knew I had barely passed the 9th grade and my summer looked bleak. For a week after school the folks asked where were my grades. I lied trying to put off the inevetible. One day when I was home alone. I knew it was only a matter of time before it hit the fan, I had a severe panic attack. I know child abuse can cause PTSD in children. I honestly was tired of being afraid.

I saw the guns in the cabinet. I thought, if I pull the trigger it would all be over.

At the end of the summer I got a phone call from the school. They asked why I hadn't shown up to JV football camp. I told them my grades were to bad to play and my father wouldn't let me... they said, "you can play, see you in the morning." I hung up the phone and ran out into the woods to tell him (we were in the woods working he sent me to "fetch" him his smokes when I happen to catch the phone) I explained to him the school called, I can play. He didn't believe me.

After twenty mintues he finally believed the school called. He called me a loser for accepting such a low standard for myself. He said the school was scrapping the bottom of the barrel if they wanted me on the team.

I went to school. They confronted me in the hall and wanted to know why I wasn't on the team. I tried to explain to them what I was dealing with at home...they didn't see it. So over the months, whenver I heistated to alter paths for my life I thought back to how I was unable to get the school to see how hopeless my life was.

I say that as an adult today after twenty plus years of life behind him and the benefit of hindsight.

I honestly wish I had ran away
 Quoting: warrior poet


So sorry for all you have been through OP. Here is a forum that you may find some support also - many members there are recovering from abusive childhoods/relationships and the resources there are fantastic.

[link to www.outofthefog.net]

hf
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 03:23 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
anyone else who struggles with PTSD should seriously consider this

[link to www.maps.org]
warrior poet (OP)

User ID: 12147523
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01/16/2013 03:27 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Very touching OP, and maybe I missed it but did you ever think of running away? Did it just come across as futile because you'd be found eventually and then things might get worse or what?
 Quoting: Sneetch


Honestly the thought occured when I was bleeding to death. I was lying in a field and I thought, "what the h#ll..did I do to myself."

My suicidal thoughts started when I was 9. I was violated one night at a babysitters house. The woman threw me on the floor, sat on me and passed gas. I struggled to get her off of me she refused. So I punched her. Her 18 year old sons witnessed this and pulled me up off the ground and started to throw me around. When my step mother arrived to pick me up they told her, I was aggressive. I told her, what happened... however, the adults said I was a liar. I was punished. I remember wanting to fly away that night and tried to imagine myself as such. Whenver I was in fear, depressed, sad, etc... I viewed myself as flying above and away from the problems. I imagined I would fly to heaven. My grades always were an issue for me because of the home life.

As I say, school was a safe place for me. I dreaded hollidays, weekends and summer vacations. In May 1985 I recieved a letter from the school telling me I had to pay for damaged books, find lost library books or pay the fines or my report cards would be impounded. I knew there would be a sever backlash at home.

I never mentioned this to my family. I knew I had barely passed the 9th grade and my summer looked bleak. For a week after school the folks asked where were my grades. I lied trying to put off the inevetible. One day when I was home alone. I knew it was only a matter of time before it hit the fan, I had a severe panic attack. I know child abuse can cause PTSD in children. I honestly was tired of being afraid.

I saw the guns in the cabinet. I thought, if I pull the trigger it would all be over.

At the end of the summer I got a phone call from the school. They asked why I hadn't shown up to JV football camp. I told them my grades were to bad to play and my father wouldn't let me... they said, "you can play, see you in the morning." I hung up the phone and ran out into the woods to tell him (we were in the woods working he sent me to "fetch" him his smokes when I happen to catch the phone) I explained to him the school called, I can play. He didn't believe me.

After twenty mintues he finally believed the school called. He called me a loser for accepting such a low standard for myself. He said the school was scrapping the bottom of the barrel if they wanted me on the team.

I went to school. They confronted me in the hall and wanted to know why I wasn't on the team. I tried to explain to them what I was dealing with at home...they didn't see it. So over the months, whenver I heistated to alter paths for my life I thought back to how I was unable to get the school to see how hopeless my life was.

I say that as an adult today after twenty plus years of life behind him and the benefit of hindsight.

I honestly wish I had ran away
 Quoting: warrior poet


So sorry for all you have been through OP. Here is a forum that you may find some support also - many members there are recovering from abusive childhoods/relationships and the resources there are fantastic.

[link to www.outofthefog.net]

hf
 Quoting: Pharista 32200759


hf

Thank you. I was blessed with the life I asked for so long ago.

The reason why I pulled the trigger never mattered after the gun went off. In twenty five + years the number one question, "why" why would you do that. I only talk about that to answer the why component. I wanted to be free of the troubling childhood and gave up on anyone helping me. I took matters into my own hands. It was a mistake. I figure on the day I shot myself there were a hundred other people that took their life. I have often thought about them over the years, "Did you encounter the regret I did?"

Last Edited by warrior poet on 01/16/2013 03:28 PM
dglnomore

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01/16/2013 03:31 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thank you for sharing your testimony. God bless you and your family.
warrior poet (OP)

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01/16/2013 03:35 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thank you for all of the kind words.
ifSHTF
have a plan when it hits the fan.

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01/16/2013 03:37 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
OP, you still married to the original wife from your 20's? or have you since remarried?
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 03:39 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I hope your story will touch someone in this frame of mind OP. What may seem like a simple solution to a problem is never simple for those left behind.

A friend of mine from a well to do family had a younger brother who decided to end his life with a shotgun to his head....only he didn't die. He spent the next 14 years in a wheelchair completely mentally disabled. It not only effected the family emotionally and physically since they cared for him at home, but drained all their savings. He finally passed away two years ago. What a waste of a life.
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 03:49 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Don't post that again or the same thing will happen, OP.
 Quoting: SPUD


I am really sorry, I'm not certain what it post you are referring to. I won't post anything further. I hoped to reach some, I noticed yesterday a thread from an AC, without a job...and refering to himself as a "loser" my heart went out to the guy, I picked up a vibe and I wanted to share my story. Thank you
 Quoting: warrior poet


Keep sharing your story. Let no one stop you. I am so glad you survived and are able to help so many. Ignore the idiots.
American Sith: Darth Shillerus

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01/16/2013 03:51 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Suicide is for the weak. Surviving suicide is an epic fail. If you want sympathy, go see a fucking shrink.

I've treated small children dying from injuries caused by drunk drivers. I've changed a diaper of a emaciated child whose skin came off because her meth cooker parents had not changed her in at least three days. I have transferred children dying of leukemia to Saint Judes and Shriners. Children who NEVER give up and have suffered worse than you can imagine.

Suicide is for pussies.
(GLP aka American Jedi)

Listen here you beautiful bitch, I'm about to fuck you up with some truth.
Kenny Powers

If you steal the dreams of others long enough, sooner or later you'll end up in a nightmare.
American Jedi

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.
Albert Einstein

Satis Eloquentiae, Sapientiae Parum....

"The last of the old?"

"No, the first of the new."
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 03:51 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Well, you won't answer my question apparently OP, but I'm happy you got over your suicide, not everyone does...
 Quoting: BRIEF


One last, comment...no I didn't
 Quoting: warrior poet


Perhaps one of your issues is lack of any sense of humor...I asked if you still had to do your list of chores after your attempt, and you didn't respond, nor recognized I had read your whole story...and then I congratulated you on surviving your attempt, and you missed that too...life isn't all rainbows, but it doesn't have to be all rainclouds either.
 Quoting: BRIEF


That is so true. It is good and necessary to see the humorous side of life in all its glories and tragedies.
BRIEF
Rebel with morals

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01/16/2013 03:53 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Very touching OP, and maybe I missed it but did you ever think of running away? Did it just come across as futile because you'd be found eventually and then things might get worse or what?
 Quoting: Sneetch


Honestly the thought occured when I was bleeding to death. I was lying in a field and I thought, "what the h#ll..did I do to myself."

My suicidal thoughts started when I was 9. I was violated one night at a babysitters house. The woman threw me on the floor, sat on me and passed gas. I struggled to get her off of me she refused. So I punched her. Her 18 year old sons witnessed this and pulled me up off the ground and started to throw me around. When my step mother arrived to pick me up they told her, I was aggressive. I told her, what happened... however, the adults said I was a liar. I was punished. I remember wanting to fly away that night and tried to imagine myself as such. Whenver I was in fear, depressed, sad, etc... I viewed myself as flying above and away from the problems. I imagined I would fly to heaven. My grades always were an issue for me because of the home life.

As I say, school was a safe place for me. I dreaded hollidays, weekends and summer vacations. In May 1985 I recieved a letter from the school telling me I had to pay for damaged books, find lost library books or pay the fines or my report cards would be impounded. I knew there would be a sever backlash at home.

I never mentioned this to my family. I knew I had barely passed the 9th grade and my summer looked bleak. For a week after school the folks asked where were my grades. I lied trying to put off the inevetible. One day when I was home alone. I knew it was only a matter of time before it hit the fan, I had a severe panic attack. I know child abuse can cause PTSD in children. I honestly was tired of being afraid.

I saw the guns in the cabinet. I thought, if I pull the trigger it would all be over.

At the end of the summer I got a phone call from the school. They asked why I hadn't shown up to JV football camp. I told them my grades were to bad to play and my father wouldn't let me... they said, "you can play, see you in the morning." I hung up the phone and ran out into the woods to tell him (we were in the woods working he sent me to "fetch" him his smokes when I happen to catch the phone) I explained to him the school called, I can play. He didn't believe me.

After twenty mintues he finally believed the school called. He called me a loser for accepting such a low standard for myself. He said the school was scrapping the bottom of the barrel if they wanted me on the team.

I went to school. They confronted me in the hall and wanted to know why I wasn't on the team. I tried to explain to them what I was dealing with at home...they didn't see it. So over the months, whenver I heistated to alter paths for my life I thought back to how I was unable to get the school to see how hopeless my life was.

I say that as an adult today after twenty plus years of life behind him and the benefit of hindsight.

I honestly wish I had ran away
 Quoting: warrior poet


Wait, a chick farted on you and you think you were violated? LOL!
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
ParadigmShift

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01/16/2013 04:09 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Words would only fail to express the beauty of your post. My wife left me last December, and I struggled for about a month with those thoughts, was very close on several occasions. Swallowed a handful of ambien and washed it down with Bourbon. woke up two days later on the floor of my bedroom in a mess of urine and defecation. i had beautiful dreams and I found God.

My life is much different now, much richer. I lost a lot but have gained so much more. My best friend put s 12 gauge down his throat and pulled the trigger. I lost him 19 years ago. So sad. Your story struck a deep chord. Thank you for sharing.
But this shall be the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel; After those days, saith Yahweh, I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their Elohim, and they shall be my people.
warrior poet (OP)

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01/16/2013 04:12 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Very touching OP, and maybe I missed it but did you ever think of running away? Did it just come across as futile because you'd be found eventually and then things might get worse or what?
 Quoting: Sneetch


Honestly the thought occured when I was bleeding to death. I was lying in a field and I thought, "what the h#ll..did I do to myself."

My suicidal thoughts started when I was 9. I was violated one night at a babysitters house. The woman threw me on the floor, sat on me and passed gas. I struggled to get her off of me she refused. So I punched her. Her 18 year old sons witnessed this and pulled me up off the ground and started to throw me around. When my step mother arrived to pick me up they told her, I was aggressive. I told her, what happened... however, the adults said I was a liar. I was punished. I remember wanting to fly away that night and tried to imagine myself as such. Whenver I was in fear, depressed, sad, etc... I viewed myself as flying above and away from the problems. I imagined I would fly to heaven. My grades always were an issue for me because of the home life.

As I say, school was a safe place for me. I dreaded hollidays, weekends and summer vacations. In May 1985 I recieved a letter from the school telling me I had to pay for damaged books, find lost library books or pay the fines or my report cards would be impounded. I knew there would be a sever backlash at home.

I never mentioned this to my family. I knew I had barely passed the 9th grade and my summer looked bleak. For a week after school the folks asked where were my grades. I lied trying to put off the inevetible. One day when I was home alone. I knew it was only a matter of time before it hit the fan, I had a severe panic attack. I know child abuse can cause PTSD in children. I honestly was tired of being afraid.

I saw the guns in the cabinet. I thought, if I pull the trigger it would all be over.

At the end of the summer I got a phone call from the school. They asked why I hadn't shown up to JV football camp. I told them my grades were to bad to play and my father wouldn't let me... they said, "you can play, see you in the morning." I hung up the phone and ran out into the woods to tell him (we were in the woods working he sent me to "fetch" him his smokes when I happen to catch the phone) I explained to him the school called, I can play. He didn't believe me.

After twenty mintues he finally believed the school called. He called me a loser for accepting such a low standard for myself. He said the school was scrapping the bottom of the barrel if they wanted me on the team.

I went to school. They confronted me in the hall and wanted to know why I wasn't on the team. I tried to explain to them what I was dealing with at home...they didn't see it. So over the months, whenver I heistated to alter paths for my life I thought back to how I was unable to get the school to see how hopeless my life was.

I say that as an adult today after twenty plus years of life behind him and the benefit of hindsight.

I honestly wish I had ran away
 Quoting: warrior poet


Wait, a chick farted on you and you think you were violated? LOL!
 Quoting: BRIEF


Very touching OP, and maybe I missed it but did you ever think of running away? Did it just come across as futile because you'd be found eventually and then things might get worse or what?
 Quoting: Sneetch


Honestly the thought occured when I was bleeding to death. I was lying in a field and I thought, "what the h#ll..did I do to myself."

My suicidal thoughts started when I was 9. I was violated one night at a babysitters house. The woman threw me on the floor, sat on me and passed gas. I struggled to get her off of me she refused. So I punched her. Her 18 year old sons witnessed this and pulled me up off the ground and started to throw me around. When my step mother arrived to pick me up they told her, I was aggressive. I told her, what happened... however, the adults said I was a liar. I was punished. I remember wanting to fly away that night and tried to imagine myself as such. Whenver I was in fear, depressed, sad, etc... I viewed myself as flying above and away from the problems. I imagined I would fly to heaven. My grades always were an issue for me because of the home life.

As I say, school was a safe place for me. I dreaded hollidays, weekends and summer vacations. In May 1985 I recieved a letter from the school telling me I had to pay for damaged books, find lost library books or pay the fines or my report cards would be impounded. I knew there would be a sever backlash at home.

I never mentioned this to my family. I knew I had barely passed the 9th grade and my summer looked bleak. For a week after school the folks asked where were my grades. I lied trying to put off the inevetible. One day when I was home alone. I knew it was only a matter of time before it hit the fan, I had a severe panic attack. I know child abuse can cause PTSD in children. I honestly was tired of being afraid.

I saw the guns in the cabinet. I thought, if I pull the trigger it would all be over.

At the end of the summer I got a phone call from the school. They asked why I hadn't shown up to JV football camp. I told them my grades were to bad to play and my father wouldn't let me... they said, "you can play, see you in the morning." I hung up the phone and ran out into the woods to tell him (we were in the woods working he sent me to "fetch" him his smokes when I happen to catch the phone) I explained to him the school called, I can play. He didn't believe me.

After twenty mintues he finally believed the school called. He called me a loser for accepting such a low standard for myself. He said the school was scrapping the bottom of the barrel if they wanted me on the team.

I went to school. They confronted me in the hall and wanted to know why I wasn't on the team. I tried to explain to them what I was dealing with at home...they didn't see it. So over the months, whenver I heistated to alter paths for my life I thought back to how I was unable to get the school to see how hopeless my life was.

I say that as an adult today after twenty plus years of life behind him and the benefit of hindsight.

I honestly wish I had ran away
 Quoting: warrior poet


Wait, a chick farted on you and you think you were violated? LOL!
 Quoting: BRIEF


Last Edited by warrior poet on 01/16/2013 04:16 PM
warrior poet (OP)

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01/16/2013 04:15 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Very touching OP, and maybe I missed it but did you ever think of running away? Did it just come across as futile because you'd be found eventually and then things might get worse or what?
 Quoting: Sneetch


Honestly the thought occured when I was bleeding to death. I was lying in a field and I thought, "what the h#ll..did I do to myself."

My suicidal thoughts started when I was 9. I was violated one night at a babysitters house. The woman threw me on the floor, sat on me and passed gas. I struggled to get her off of me she refused. So I punched her. Her 18 year old sons witnessed this and pulled me up off the ground and started to throw me around. When my step mother arrived to pick me up they told her, I was aggressive. I told her, what happened... however, the adults said I was a liar. I was punished. I remember wanting to fly away that night and tried to imagine myself as such. Whenver I was in fear, depressed, sad, etc... I viewed myself as flying above and away from the problems. I imagined I would fly to heaven. My grades always were an issue for me because of the home life.

As I say, school was a safe place for me. I dreaded hollidays, weekends and summer vacations. In May 1985 I recieved a letter from the school telling me I had to pay for damaged books, find lost library books or pay the fines or my report cards would be impounded. I knew there would be a sever backlash at home.

I never mentioned this to my family. I knew I had barely passed the 9th grade and my summer looked bleak. For a week after school the folks asked where were my grades. I lied trying to put off the inevetible. One day when I was home alone. I knew it was only a matter of time before it hit the fan, I had a severe panic attack. I know child abuse can cause PTSD in children. I honestly was tired of being afraid.

I saw the guns in the cabinet. I thought, if I pull the trigger it would all be over.

At the end of the summer I got a phone call from the school. They asked why I hadn't shown up to JV football camp. I told them my grades were to bad to play and my father wouldn't let me... they said, "you can play, see you in the morning." I hung up the phone and ran out into the woods to tell him (we were in the woods working he sent me to "fetch" him his smokes when I happen to catch the phone) I explained to him the school called, I can play. He didn't believe me.

After twenty mintues he finally believed the school called. He called me a loser for accepting such a low standard for myself. He said the school was scrapping the bottom of the barrel if they wanted me on the team.

I went to school. They confronted me in the hall and wanted to know why I wasn't on the team. I tried to explain to them what I was dealing with at home...they didn't see it. So over the months, whenver I heistated to alter paths for my life I thought back to how I was unable to get the school to see how hopeless my life was.

I say that as an adult today after twenty plus years of life behind him and the benefit of hindsight.

I honestly wish I had ran away
 Quoting: warrior poet


Wait, a chick farted on you and you think you were violated? LOL!
 Quoting: BRIEF


I was 9. Yes, I resisted and was penned to the floor that's an assault yes/no? I was picked up a 17 and 18 year old and thrown around for hitting their mother. Than accused of being aggressive, when I tried to state my side of the story, I was accused of lying.

Try harder brother. There's nothing you are going to say I haven't heard already. Next perhaps, offer advice on where to put the next round so I don't miss.
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 04:17 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
OP

God bless and stay strong.
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01/16/2013 04:19 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I'm speechless.

Glad to have met you and heard your story OP.

Some people don't understand how precious life is, and that we should all take a step back and enjoy it for what it really is. Forget about the next television show, the next consumer product everyone has to have, simply breathe in the sweet, sweet oxygen and remember, this is your only life, enjoy it.

clappa
"Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable."

John F. Kennedy
warrior poet (OP)

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01/16/2013 04:20 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
OP, you still married to the original wife from your 20's? or have you since remarried?
 Quoting: ifSHTF


No. Got married to soon. First marriage turned into a train wreck. Met my 2nd wife in 1999 one night working as a bouncer. First week of our relationship I told her the truth about my body. I had two stores... the "lie" I broke out. (Accidental discharge) If I was afraid of the backlash, "yes, I shot myself on purpose and tried to kill myself." Than at times I would have to tell the truth like when I wanted to get into the service and when I met my wife.

I wanted a future with her so I had to tell her the truth. She was fine with it. I know it hasn't been easy on her. She has been good to me and I am a better person for her life and the lives of my children.

Last Edited by warrior poet on 01/16/2013 04:22 PM
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 04:24 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Suicide is for the weak. Surviving suicide is an epic fail. If you want sympathy, go see a fucking shrink.

I've treated small children dying from injuries caused by drunk drivers. I've changed a diaper of a emaciated child whose skin came off because her meth cooker parents had not changed her in at least three days. I have transferred children dying of leukemia to Saint Judes and Shriners. Children who NEVER give up and have suffered worse than you can imagine.

Suicide is for pussies.
 Quoting: American Sith: Darth Shillerus


That must be heartbreaking to see all the children suffering. God bless you and your work.

However, I feel OP was saved by Angels so that he could go on with life and be a witness that no matter what life throws at you, it is a gift and can be changed.

We need people like the OP who give hope <3
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 04:24 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Suicide is for the weak. Surviving suicide is an epic fail. If you want sympathy, go see a fucking shrink.

I've treated small children dying from injuries caused by drunk drivers. I've changed a diaper of a emaciated child whose skin came off because her meth cooker parents had not changed her in at least three days. I have transferred children dying of leukemia to Saint Judes and Shriners. Children who NEVER give up and have suffered worse than you can imagine.

Suicide is for pussies.
 Quoting: American Sith: Darth Shillerus


That must be heartbreaking to see all the children suffering. God bless you and your work.

However, I feel OP was saved by Angels so that he could go on with life and be a witness that no matter what life throws at you, it is a gift and can be changed.

We need people like the OP who give hope <3
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 04:31 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Tears well up as I read your story, and I thank you for your bravery in sharing it.

I too dealt with abuse but it was "silenced", and I obeyed that unwritten rule. My family believed that what happened in the house, stayed in the house.

More nights then I can count, I remember lying in bed begging God not to let me wake up the next day,for I did not have what it took to take my own life, just the pressing grief of wanting it to be taken.

I remember thinking of scenarios like; "What if I just went to a really bad part of town, and let them kill me. Would that still be suicide?"

I wanted to "not be" so badly, wanted death to bring me home, but alas, that was not my destiny.

Today, 20+ years later, my abusers speak out angrily when an abusive situation happens on the news. "They should hang that guy!" "If I were to get a hold of that child abuser I would...insert the worst punishment you can muster here....

All the while, portraying themselves as innocent, while I sit next to them and say nothing. I Want to scream "Liar! Hypocrite! I hate you!" But I say nothing.

Throughout the remainder of your life, you can find avenues to sneak around those dark memories that lurk in the shadows of your very soul, but sometimes, when you are off guard, they jump out and attempt to strangle you.

Abuse is something you will carry with you forever, until death finally comes to carry you over the threshold from this world to the next. ((((hugs)))
verysad
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01/16/2013 04:36 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
:sorrydoggy:

I am so sorry you had to go through this.
Saying a prayer for you and your family.
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01/16/2013 05:03 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Right on, bro! Great testimony, you seem to have learned a lot and now you are helping others...

Many fail at suicide and still don't learn from it, let alone help others.

Blessings to you and stay strong!

:)
BRIEF
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01/16/2013 05:15 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Very touching OP, and maybe I missed it but did you ever think of running away? Did it just come across as futile because you'd be found eventually and then things might get worse or what?
 Quoting: Sneetch


Honestly the thought occured when I was bleeding to death. I was lying in a field and I thought, "what the h#ll..did I do to myself."

My suicidal thoughts started when I was 9. I was violated one night at a babysitters house. The woman threw me on the floor, sat on me and passed gas. I struggled to get her off of me she refused. So I punched her. Her 18 year old sons witnessed this and pulled me up off the ground and started to throw me around. When my step mother arrived to pick me up they told her, I was aggressive. I told her, what happened... however, the adults said I was a liar. I was punished. I remember wanting to fly away that night and tried to imagine myself as such. Whenver I was in fear, depressed, sad, etc... I viewed myself as flying above and away from the problems. I imagined I would fly to heaven. My grades always were an issue for me because of the home life.

As I say, school was a safe place for me. I dreaded hollidays, weekends and summer vacations. In May 1985 I recieved a letter from the school telling me I had to pay for damaged books, find lost library books or pay the fines or my report cards would be impounded. I knew there would be a sever backlash at home.

I never mentioned this to my family. I knew I had barely passed the 9th grade and my summer looked bleak. For a week after school the folks asked where were my grades. I lied trying to put off the inevetible. One day when I was home alone. I knew it was only a matter of time before it hit the fan, I had a severe panic attack. I know child abuse can cause PTSD in children. I honestly was tired of being afraid.

I saw the guns in the cabinet. I thought, if I pull the trigger it would all be over.

At the end of the summer I got a phone call from the school. They asked why I hadn't shown up to JV football camp. I told them my grades were to bad to play and my father wouldn't let me... they said, "you can play, see you in the morning." I hung up the phone and ran out into the woods to tell him (we were in the woods working he sent me to "fetch" him his smokes when I happen to catch the phone) I explained to him the school called, I can play. He didn't believe me.

After twenty mintues he finally believed the school called. He called me a loser for accepting such a low standard for myself. He said the school was scrapping the bottom of the barrel if they wanted me on the team.

I went to school. They confronted me in the hall and wanted to know why I wasn't on the team. I tried to explain to them what I was dealing with at home...they didn't see it. So over the months, whenver I heistated to alter paths for my life I thought back to how I was unable to get the school to see how hopeless my life was.

I say that as an adult today after twenty plus years of life behind him and the benefit of hindsight.

I honestly wish I had ran away
 Quoting: warrior poet


Wait, a chick farted on you and you think you were violated? LOL!
 Quoting: BRIEF


I was 9. Yes, I resisted and was penned to the floor that's an assault yes/no? I was picked up a 17 and 18 year old and thrown around for hitting their mother. Than accused of being aggressive, when I tried to state my side of the story, I was accused of lying.

Try harder brother. There's nothing you are going to say I haven't heard already. Next perhaps, offer advice on where to put the next round so I don't miss.
 Quoting: warrior poet


I think you are just overly sensitive...are you queer?
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
Quran is the qord of Allah.
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01/16/2013 05:17 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
and to be spiritually alive I invite you to believe in Allah the One and only Creator of u, me and every thing that exist. without faith in the true and only One Creator we are like the dead too. There Is No G-d except Allah and Mohamed Is His Messenger. read holy book of Allah's word Quran and u will see that Quran is the word of Allah.
DOC S
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01/16/2013 05:22 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Warrior Poet, your abuser will hopefully burn in hell for what he has done. I'm glad you're alive. You will help lots of people with your story and your sincerity. I hope your abuser is suffering indescribable torment.

I have an illness that has essentially ruined my life, so I can relate to your feelings of deep depression.
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Lithuania
01/16/2013 05:23 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Suicide is for the weak. Surviving suicide is an epic fail. If you want sympathy, go see a fucking shrink.

I've treated small children dying from injuries caused by drunk drivers. I've changed a diaper of a emaciated child whose skin came off because her meth cooker parents had not changed her in at least three days. I have transferred children dying of leukemia to Saint Judes and Shriners. Children who NEVER give up and have suffered worse than you can imagine.

Suicide is for pussies.
 Quoting: American Sith: Darth Shillerus


I understand your point of view as I am a survivalist myself. But there's something else I'd like to point out. I think the children you work with are blessed to have people like you to care for them and help them get through all that. From what I gather, OP didn't have anyone to care for him. And the feel of abandonment and hopelessness is much more damaging than the physical pain, especially for a child. Because what you experience during childhood stays with you for a lifetime.

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