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27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.

 
Bluepill

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01/16/2013 05:24 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
This is such a great website, especially because of people like you...Wow.
422

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01/16/2013 05:31 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thank you for sharing your story. You are a great inspiration. We are all here for a reason and I'm glad you are still here.
“You have rights antecedent to all earthly governments; rights that cannot be repealed or restrained by human laws; rights derived from the Great Legislator of the Universe.” John Adams, Second President of the United States
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 05:45 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Suicide is for the weak. Surviving suicide is an epic fail. If you want sympathy, go see a fucking shrink.

I've treated small children dying from injuries caused by drunk drivers. I've changed a diaper of a emaciated child whose skin came off because her meth cooker parents had not changed her in at least three days. I have transferred children dying of leukemia to Saint Judes and Shriners. Children who NEVER give up and have suffered worse than you can imagine.

Suicide is for pussies.
 Quoting: American Sith: Darth Shillerus


You're a goddamn idiot. Try experiencing the complete and total loss of your will to live for a few seconds, and then come back here and tell us how easy it is.

You have absolutely no clue what you're even talking about.
warrior poet (OP)

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01/16/2013 05:53 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I thought I would share my story because I was moved by an AC post referring to himself as a failure after losing his job. It's easy to tear things down, tear people down, call them names...the term "pussy" that was actually one of the names I heard frequently growing up. I don't expect everyone to understand the value of human life. There will always be people in the crowd yelling up at the jumper to go ahead and jump. If he is around, you never know what you have until its gone. There are things in your life that still bring you joy. Hold fast to these things. Many times its the simple and free things. A cold dog nose, holding your child, watching the snow fall, volunteering in some capacity in a civic environment. It's ok if all you can do is crawl. Someday you will be able to stand again and walk with your head held high...peace brother.
Resister

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01/16/2013 05:58 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Wow. If your story is true, then praise God you are still alive. Sometimes it takes hearing from someone who has actuallybeen in your shoes to listen. I pray that there are people out there who have listened and heard and are still alive today because of your miracle.
"God forbid we should ever be 20 years without such a rebellion. The people cannot be all, & always, well informed... If they remain quiet under such misconceptions it is a lethargy, the forerunner of death to the public liberty... Let them take arms... What signify a few lives lost in a century or two? The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants. " - Thomas Jefferson in 1787
[link to line-in-the-sand.spam]
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 05:59 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
God bless you OP,

Don't ever let them silence you from telling your story. You cannot know in this life how many people you may impact for the good. People need to know there is always a way out. There is always hope. Never give up. Call upon Jesus. Give God a chance to deliver you from a hopeless situation. Nothing is too difficult for him.

BrotherJohnF
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
caliber rifle out of the gun cabinet. It was the perfect size to get out of the house unnoticed. One hollow point bullet. We lived in a rural community. The nearest rescue station was 18 minutes away and unmanned. They had to be summoned by pagers and air-horns. The closest hospital was 18 minutes away. The only persons whom at the time, my younger brother and my elderly grandfather. The community was nothing more than 10 acres of woods seperated by 20 acres of fields with a house and so on and so on.


At 4PM, there were few people home on that Friday Night...I was alone. I climbed out of a window with the rifle. I also grabbed a small Gideon's KJV bible. I walked the .25 miles into the woods and sat down next to a small tranquil creek on a discarded milk crate. I sat for about an hour trying to work up the nerve to shoot myself.

My mother left me without so much a goodbye when I was 4. She wrote me when I was 9 and told me, "You have a brother...maybe one day you can come visit us.." she replaced me. My step mother frequently bragged to me how much better my brother was. I was a sissy, loser that was invisible to the world and had no value or worth. I lived in fear, went to school with bruises and malnourished and no one said anything. I was tired and thought suicide would set me free. But I couldn't pull the trigger. After an hour, I gave up and started to walk back home...than I remembered the list and the grades.


My father, liked list. Not finishing the task on the list would illicit a violent blowback. Because I had been in the woods with a rifle for 1 hour, I sqaundered 1 hour of daylight. He would be home before six. Also, they were expecting good grades on Monday. The failed report cards were in my shirt pocket next to my suicide note.

I went and sat back down next to the small creek on the milk crate. I leafed through the bible...hoping it would inspire me. I struggled with the KJV words, also the text looked microscopic. I shut the bible and laid it on the ground. I closed my eyes and prayed this, "Dear God...send an Angel and deliver me please.." The prayer was heart felt and sincere. I imagined when I opened my eyes I would encounter a burning bush. No moment, I assumed God didn't exist or he was to busy to care for me.

I loaded the rifle and placed it 1 inch left of sternum. I simply didn't pay attention in Anatomy class and thought of the Pledge of Allegiance or I would have aimed more to the right. I pulled the trigger.

The first thing I saw was the muzzle flash before anything. Light moves faster than sound. Nothing could've prepared me for what I had done to myself. The kinetic energy made my chest feel like it was nothing more than a cracking egg. The smells were terrible. Sticky hot sweet aroma mixed with the bitter brass taste of gun powder. For a moment I couldn't see because of the camera flash "pop" light in my eyes. Forget breathing.

If you or anyone is struggling with thoughts of suicide here is what you need to know:

Life is a gift like good health. Remember the last time you were sick? You regretted taking good health for granted. Likewise, I regretted pulling the trigger and wanted to get up off the ground and have a do over. Once a bullet leaves, its gone forever. After twenty seven years...my chest still hurts from it.

Second...nothing can prepare you for it. Nothing. It would be like a dude trying to imagine what a mom goes through when she is pushing a baby out. No manner of education can express what a mom is going through unless you are pushing out a baby. This was no different. There were elements of dying a violent death through suicide I had been ignorant about. I thought I was ready for it...until the bullet hit. My body's will to live fought back. You can't turn that off anymore you can will yourself to not sweat, digest food or make urine.


As I started to bleed out, I became aware of another reality. This reality engaged me. I didn't want to die. I could barely breathe or walk. Let alone yell across the expanse of woods, fields to get help. IMO..it was an Angel that engaged me.

I went aprox 90 minutes without surgical intervention. I don't recollect a traditional NDE moments reported unless the moment of shooting myself was so traumatic much of it has been blocked by my brain to minimize the trauma. I did wake up in the ICU several days before the shuttle Challenger disaster. I struggled with ice chips let alone converse with the events on that Friday nite. While watching television I watched that crew perish. I remember thinking, "They went further than me.." They passed a veil. I knew the transition they were going through instinctively that is my only real sensation I knew was different. I didn't have this prior to the shooting. There are a few minor details but this is long. For years adults wanted to discuss with me the shooting and "boy, you came as close to being dead without being gone forever..." I couldn't talk about it. I know the surgeon had to manipulate my heart to keep it going I can almost still feel his hands on it. Or the sensation of my sternum being compressed. It wasn't until this past year I could sit down and honestly look at where I came from when I was a teenager, I broke the cycle of abuse. My children haven't the foggiest idea what it means to lay in a bed, afraid any moment someone is going to throw a door open and drag them out of the bed in the middle of the night to hit them, scream at them, throw plates of food at them or call them a F*ck up that will never amount to anything.


If you are suicidal please, seek help. Life is worth living even when its beating the snot out of you. It hasn't been easy. People have shunned me all of my life post shooting when the truth about my past came out. They told me in the hospital, you would have had better luck if you had your legs cut off or been burned in a fire than have those scars from a self-inflicted gun shot wound. Much of the horse crap we are told makes us happy, doesn't matter a hill of beans when you take your last breathe. For me, what I focused on: My thoughts were on God and i wanted to grow up and be a father. I didn't think about college or girls, cars etc...I've been called more names than should be allowed in a supposedly civilized society as a result of the shooting. Imagine being 17 years old at a pool trying to swim and there is a bullet pock mark next to your breast bone and a thoracotmy scar from left nipple to spine, "Hey kid, where did you get those scars?"

27 years of life I almost didn't live. I wouldn't have had the joy of being a dad or the simple joy of saying, "today I want to get up and just be thankful
 Quoting: warrior poet


thats so powerful.. you made me cry so hard :)

hf
TDJ

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01/16/2013 06:05 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I don't know you personally but I hope the rest of life is so fantastic that it makes up for the pain and fear you felt as a child.

I felt the same way sometimes as a kid. That's all I want to say about that.

I hope your life is filled with love.
If something can corrupt you, you're corrupted already.

Bob Marley

“The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.”
THOMAS PAINE (1737-1809)

Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one. Bruce Lee
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 06:11 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
hf
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 06:18 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Bless you, sir.

Glad you made it.
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 06:22 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
You are a brave and illuminated soul. Like you, I also had a difficult childhood/adolescence with physical, sexual, and mental abuse as factors. I regularly thought and planned my suicide. After I had two first cousins commit suicide by hanging and saw and felt the ripple effects of their actions on the entire family, I changed my thoughts on commuting suicide myself. Life is often difficult, not fair, disappointing, etc. but, we are all here for a reason and not giving up is one of them. Bless you op for you have a gift in your writing and sharing your story. You would be a wonderful speaker to youth groups, church groups, and schools. I urge you to contact a public speaking agency to get started. You have a powerful message that would be helpful to many who are struggling.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 28895363

Great story Op.

The reason we are here is to be used as energy. Look at all these posts of child abuse... This Creation is a Demonic prison, along with the afterlife world, so suicide won't help.
warrior poet (OP)

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01/16/2013 06:24 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I don't know you personally but I hope the rest of life is so fantastic that it makes up for the pain and fear you felt as a child.

I felt the same way sometimes as a kid. That's all I want to say about that.

I hope your life is filled with love.
 Quoting: TDJ


hf
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 06:28 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.

I have my plan in motion, and nothing will stop me! I will not be a cowardly loser like yourself!

Failing at killing yourself is worse than failing at life.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 31966543

What exactly is succeeding in life? Reproducing, wow, lol.
warrior poet (OP)

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01/16/2013 06:39 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Wow. If your story is true, then praise God you are still alive. Sometimes it takes hearing from someone who has actuallybeen in your shoes to listen. I pray that there are people out there who have listened and heard and are still alive today because of your miracle.
 Quoting: Resister





There were two influences in my life. My step mother's mother, a devout follower of Christ. She openly prayed and shared her faith with her family. I was drawn to all things God. She read her bible and I watched and listened to her. The next person, was a girl that sat behind me in my homeroom class. She lived out her faith at a time any open demonstrations of a Christian faith would draw ridicule from other teens. She wasn't popular and was chastised for her faith. We would talk about God in class. She invited me to bible studies. I went but never acted on the messages I heard.

The night I set out to kill myself: I planned to take the .22. My suicide note written in haste...I read people wrote suicide notes. The report cards. I was to walk the .25 mile away from help. People who take their life, plan. As I was climbing out a window I saw the KJV bible. I grabbed it in haste and on impulse.

When I maintained my FB suicide prevention page... (I'll post it if necessary to back up my story and I'll reactivate my page there are moms that will vouch for my life) many of my supporters and friends were moms that had a child die to suicide. What they found healing, is when I told them about that final battle to pull the trigger. Some assume people just casually let go of the side of a bridge or pull the trigger...some say they are cowards. Not so.

It's one thing to dream up thoughts of suicide and another to actually do it. I had never prayed to God before that night. I felt trapped in a snare. It felt taunts to pull the trigger. I remember it was agony, sheer mental and emotional agony to be in that place...my heart continues to be for those that are in that place tonight. What I found, God met me where I was at. I had free will to put the gun away and deal with the issues but I felt like a drowning swimmer. It was my free will to chose to pull the trigger. God demonstrated mercy. Like the thief on the cross. I knew I wasn't alone as I the effects of what I did took their effects on me. He was with me. He has been with me over the years...His heart is for the prostitue, the thief on the cross, the lepers or the outcast, or a 16 year boy with a rifle pointed at himself feeling there is no hope for a life.
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 06:53 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Suicide is for the weak. Surviving suicide is an epic fail. If you want sympathy, go see a fucking shrink.

I've treated small children dying from injuries caused by drunk drivers. I've changed a diaper of a emaciated child whose skin came off because her meth cooker parents had not changed her in at least three days. I have transferred children dying of leukemia to Saint Judes and Shriners. Children who NEVER give up and have suffered worse than you can imagine.

Suicide is for pussies.
 Quoting: American Sith: Darth Shillerus


You're a goddamn idiot. Try experiencing the complete and total loss of your will to live for a few seconds, and then come back here and tell us how easy it is.

You have absolutely no clue what you're even talking about.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 24760791


I would have to agree. I have never had a friend perish due to suicide but I'm not going to be a prick about it either. It's not as simple as "go get some help". Oh you work for X so you must be better than Y. That's complete bullshit. Even completely normal people have bouts of depression at times. Even perfectly healthy people can get so emotional they feel there is no way out.

I'd be lying if i said I haven't thought about it many times. I even had the knife to my wrist. But right as I was about to do it, something inside me told me to stop. Something told me that offing myself was the cowards way to go. I didn't want to burden my family with the trouble and heartache of having there only son kill himself. I started thinking about all the stuff I would miss. All the experiences I would never have. The fact I would never have a child, watch them grow up and have kids of their own. I would never experience love. I actually started crying at the thought and I threw, literally threw, the knife across the room. It actually stuck into the drywall I threw it so hard.I was 15 at the time. Im now 27 going on 28 and I'm still here.

OP, I never had it as bad as you did but I was abused in my own way. I never had an abusive family but I did have abusive "friends". I lived in a strict household, with strict parents, but they weren't abusive. If they were then I'd probably be in the same situation as you. Picture the fat kid everyone picks on at school, who has no real friends, and the only friends he does have pick on him and physically beats him daily. That kid was me.

I was sick of it and couldn't stand it anymore. Hence the knife. But then I realized that to be truly happy you don't need "friends". "friends" just set u up to be squashed back down someday. So I said "fook you guys, I'm goin home". I have NEVER spoken to those people and my life couldn't be better. I actually have friends now who do actually care about me and my opinions. It may have taken 10+ years to get my confidence and GAFF level to rise back up but now that it has i feel so much better

Im sure this doesn't help OP but im just writing this to say congrats you beat the demon. Even though you tried to end it something told you to stay. It wasn't your time just like it wasn't my time when I almost did it. I hope you live a much happier life from now on.

cheers
Darrell41653

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01/16/2013 07:02 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Great post OP. Thanks for sharing.

I too, came from an abusive home. Not as bad as you describe, still bad though.
My Father was an abusive drunk during my young years.

He did stop drinking and turned his life around in my later years. But it sure is hard to forget some of the things he put us through.

I too, am completely different with my little girl. I dont drink at all, no drugs, not even cigarettes.
And as you said, she will never know the fear of lying awake, listening for the sound of his footsteps coming down the hall.
Being afraid to move or make a noise for fear that he will hear and turn his attention toward you.

Bad memories...

"The dead know only one thing...It is better to be alive".
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 07:07 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Dear OP 5 STARS and God bless you !
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 07:07 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I thought I would share my story because I was moved by an AC post referring to himself as a failure after losing his job. It's easy to tear things down, tear people down, call them names...the term "pussy" that was actually one of the names I heard frequently growing up. I don't expect everyone to understand the value of human life. There will always be people in the crowd yelling up at the jumper to go ahead and jump. If he is around, you never know what you have until its gone. There are things in your life that still bring you joy. Hold fast to these things. Many times its the simple and free things. A cold dog nose, holding your child, watching the snow fall, volunteering in some capacity in a civic environment. It's ok if all you can do is crawl. Someday you will be able to stand again and walk with your head held high...peace brother.
 Quoting: warrior poet
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 07:11 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.


Do you consider your life of any value? If you do I suggest you watch this video completely.
Swan Song

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01/16/2013 07:22 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thank you for sharing your story, my heart breaks fore those who give up their life because they feel that there is no hope, future or purpose for them. We are all here for a purpose. God can replace his people's suffering with joy, and remove the ashes that cover them to reveal the beauty beneath. Through your experience you have helped so many others to overcome their own feelings of despair. God bless you blwkss
To the world I am just a number, but the Lamb of God He knows me by my name.
Razorbackkid

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01/16/2013 07:25 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Stay strong and God Bless.
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 07:30 PM
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Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 07:37 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Hi Op,

It takes great courage to share your story and I'm not trying to be mean in any way.

Since obama just signed into law that they will take guns away from those that are not stable or have a history of instability...I would be damn careful what you share.

The timing of this post really bugs me.

just saying.
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 07:45 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Finished reading the rest of the thread, warrior. You should seriously pitch your story to publishing companies. Learn how to write a query letter. Your life could save so many others if they could hear your story. You are an inspiration in hope. I swallowed a bottle of pills as a teenager due to depression. I had cried out for help in the ways you did. I didn't get the bad grades, but I did miss 30 days of school in the first half of the year. When my parents found out, they pretty much said not to do it again. I wasn't abused like you were; I was ignored. I had no support system. I was forgotten. Recently, old feelings of depression from those times have been creeping back. You remind me to not let those demons back in. Not ever. I always wondered why I woke up after taking so many pills. It was 20 hours later, but why did I wake up? I wondered where I was. I just wasn't there. I have wondered if God saved me. I don't know the answer... but your story has touched that part of me that gives butterflies. The will to live... Thank you, warriorpoet, for your thread. It is in my favorites, and I hope GLP allows is to stay here indefinitely.
 Quoting: Gratia Plena


Had the same thought. After reading the first post I wanted to know the rest of the story.

The impact it had on your family members, if you ever re-connected with your mother, how is your brother today, did you make contact with your half brother--your mother's son. More about your life. We all can learn so much from shared stories, the cold hard truth is so important to share. Thank you for taking the time to do so. hfhfhf
Rraider

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01/16/2013 07:54 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thank you for this post
hf
Rraider
Swan Song

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01/16/2013 07:58 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I have never shared this here so publicly, and I will not go into detail, but I also grew up in an abusive home. It was nowhere near as bad as what you have been through, however there was a constant fear of angry outbursts and anxiety hanging over me of what was going to us the next time this outburst occurred. I hated myself and wished that I was dead I harmed myself and thought about ending it all to escape the pain. Thankfully I never acted on these impulses to end my life. Only with Gods help I was able to heal and forgive the person who did these things and 3 years later this person died. Those 3 years were the greatest and I am so thankful that I was able to say I Love you and to hear it back. I hope that this helps someone somewhere who is reading this to realise that whatever you are going through there is hope and a light at the end of the tunnel. When you are at your lowest reach up, Jesus, the one who was rejected,abused and nailed on a cross, is waiting.

Isaiah 53:3 "He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not".
To the world I am just a number, but the Lamb of God He knows me by my name.
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 08:04 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
much love, friend.
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 08:06 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thanks for sharing your story op. It sure makes me feel stupid for the times I've considered suicide. I too have realized that no matter how bad things get there is always something to live for.

And I've got to say I can't believe some of these responses. Let me just say that I'm beginning to understand why some people turn to murder, and leave it at that.
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 08:16 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Glad you made it to tell this story. Stories like this make me realize just how good I had it growing up, and for someone like me, its a good thing to remember how good I had it.

Glad you did not end your life that night, I was thinking back to my life at that time, I was in college, living the life, not many worries, it was a good time for me, but obviously not a good time for you

BTW did you know that if you had died, you would have died the same day L. Ron Hubbard died?
Anonymous Coward
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Incredible testimony... You have a tremendous gift to offer others.

God Bless You!! hf

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