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27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.

 
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 08:36 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Twenty seven years ago, at age 16. I took the end of a rifle and put it 1 inch from my heart and pulled the trigger.

. My children haven't the foggiest idea what it means to lay in a bed, afraid any moment someone is going to throw a door open and drag them out of the bed in the middle of the night to hit them, scream at them, throw plates of food at them or call them a F*ck up that will never amount to anything.

 Quoting: warrior poet


Nobody knows!
warrior poet (OP)

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01/16/2013 09:05 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Finished reading the rest of the thread, warrior. You should seriously pitch your story to publishing companies. Learn how to write a query letter. Your life could save so many others if they could hear your story. You are an inspiration in hope. I swallowed a bottle of pills as a teenager due to depression. I had cried out for help in the ways you did. I didn't get the bad grades, but I did miss 30 days of school in the first half of the year. When my parents found out, they pretty much said not to do it again. I wasn't abused like you were; I was ignored. I had no support system. I was forgotten. Recently, old feelings of depression from those times have been creeping back. You remind me to not let those demons back in. Not ever. I always wondered why I woke up after taking so many pills. It was 20 hours later, but why did I wake up? I wondered where I was. I just wasn't there. I have wondered if God saved me. I don't know the answer... but your story has touched that part of me that gives butterflies. The will to live... Thank you, warriorpoet, for your thread. It is in my favorites, and I hope GLP allows is to stay here indefinitely.
 Quoting: Gratia Plena




A year ago I was a used car salesman. To vent stress I started posting some of my moments at work on my F/B wall. After several months I drew a small readership without me knowing. Some days I wouldn't post and I would run into someone at the store and they would say something like, "hey, I enjoyed that story...funny stuff man." "You had me in tears with that story." Some of my childhood friends messaged me and told me I should look into writing. I forgot growing up one way I lost my self and escaped was through writing. I wrote 4 books growing up for the fun of it. I had forgotten I enjoyed writing. I decided to write a book about selling cars. After 5 months, I really struggled to finish the book and shelved the idea.

One afternoon my wife came home from the library and saw an ad for a short story contest. She said, "you need to write your story." The only time I mentioned my story was during a Sunday School class during this time of year. Or when her and I talked about it. I gave up when I was 18 trying to talk about this due to the sharp reactions I received. Some of the remarks here truly pale in comparison to the garbage people dumped on me when I was a kid. I considered it and I sat out to write my story. I self published the book, thinking no publisher wants this.

Since I published my book I attempted to start a non profit, suicide prevention platform. I got involved in communities. I rented space at local community pride days and interacted with people. I heard of a community in PA that suffered 4 suicide deaths among students at the beginning of the year. I wrote the school board, newspapers and local television station about what I experienced and offered to help. I have been asked by councilors to speak to suicidal people. Spoke to churches. If I hadn't set out to be a writer I wouldn't have mentioned this. I fought my battle with it and narrowly escaped it. I have a healthy respect for it, I understand the battle is lost because people underestimate its pull on the life of one that falls into its currents. I wanted to acknowldge my anniversary and saw the AC post the other day and wanted to reach him and anyone that struggles with the darkness on their back.
KonaCoffee

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01/16/2013 09:07 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I really loved your story.

It hit home hard for me.

I went through rages and beatings, and also knew I'd one day make a much better parent than my own.

I ask my kids all the time, did I do ok? Was I too hard? Not hard enough on yall? They always reassure me that I was just fine as a parent. I look back and see plenty of mistakes, but so long as there's no hatred towards me for the past, I'm good. I love them all, and that includes a wonderful step daughter.

After wishing for death with my leg rotting off of me(horrific pain like no other), I'm also here to say I felt a sense of peace in myself after I got the news they wanted to amputate. They tried so hard to just scrape the dead muscle, and save the leg, but i didn't work. Too much damage. Just get the damn rotten thing OFF! I thought. It was a blessing to hear the words, really. I no longer wanted to die. I had to live for my kids' sake. I still had one left at home that needed me. I'm SO glad I made it. Now, life is an incredible, wonderful thing for me. I appreciate every morning I get to wake up.

Sometimes it just takes a tragedy, or a few even, to appreciate our life.
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness"__
Mark Twain, 19th century American Author (and genius as far as I'm concerned.)

My nickname is Eileen Toodaleft.
eyestoseeearstohear

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01/16/2013 09:29 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Numbers 6:24-26
New King James Version

24 “The Lord bless you and keep you;
25 The Lord make His face shine upon you,
And be gracious to you;
26 The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace.”’

After being in the crucible for a period of time the dross will rise. The impurities are removed from the heat of the fire and purification is the result.
May the Lord bless you and guide you to the Torah the first five books of Moses, find the Lord through the Hebraic Roots of our begenning.
Study Hebraic Roots
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 09:29 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Well, you won't answer my question apparently OP, but I'm happy you got over your suicide, not everyone does...
 Quoting: BRIEF


One last, comment...no I didn't
 Quoting: warrior poet


Perhaps one of your issues is lack of any sense of humor...I asked if you still had to do your list of chores after your attempt, and you didn't respond, nor recognized I had read your whole story...and then I congratulated you on surviving your attempt, and you missed that too...life isn't all rainbows, but it doesn't have to be all rainclouds either.
 Quoting: BRIEF


Douche
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 8034293


LOL! ^^^Well saidohyeah
CHL2T
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01/16/2013 10:12 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I like Breif and the dry humor that he so easily puts into words....

Gret story Warrior, you deserve every beautifull thing that life can give you...
hugs
Behind every great fortune, there is a crime ~ Balzac

He was and was not, He was encompassed in the name yet not encompassed in the name, having as yet no name other than the desire to be called by a name.... ~Umberto Eco
pool
Netizen Ribbonmind

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01/16/2013 10:21 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Never ever let other people decide how you feel about yourself. hugs
No yesterday, no tomorrow.
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 10:24 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
If you suck so bad that you fail at killing yourself.. I'd say your attempt was probably well founded.
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 10:26 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
This Is The Day Of Reckoning

[link to www.youtube.com]
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 10:33 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
There is no excuses for suicide(short of the obvious burning in a building and jumping 9/11 type shit).

It is a way for weak people to separate themselves from emotion that they are to cowardly to handle.
Swan Song

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01/16/2013 10:36 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I like Breif and the dry humor that he so easily puts into words....

Gret story Warrior, you deserve every beautifull thing that life can give you...
hugs
 Quoting: CHL2T


Sorry Breif ...I couldn't resist LOL

To the world I am just a number, but the Lamb of God He knows me by my name.
Brad Daylight

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01/16/2013 10:39 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Well, you won't answer my question apparently OP, but I'm happy you got over your suicide, not everyone does...
 Quoting: BRIEF


One last, comment...no I didn't
 Quoting: warrior poet


Perhaps one of your issues is lack of any sense of humor...I asked if you still had to do your list of chores after your attempt, and you didn't respond, nor recognized I had read your whole story...and then I congratulated you on surviving your attempt, and you missed that too...life isn't all rainbows, but it doesn't have to be all rainclouds either.
 Quoting: BRIEF


Thank you for posting something encouraging to him :D karma for you
"I have felt despair many times in my life, but I do not keep a chair for it."
~Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes

Today is a gift, that is why it is called "The Present"

“When an opponent declares, “I will not come over to your side,” I calmly say, “Your child belongs to us already… What are you? You will pass on. Your descendants, however, now stand in the new camp. In a short time they will know nothing else but this new community.”
- Adolph Hitler

Have a nice day, may God bless you :D
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 10:39 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Wow. Amazing and heartrending, OP. Thank you for sharing. And THANK YOU for reaching out to other suicide-prone youth. I just don't understand why ppl were mean to you and distanced themselves AFTER the attempt.

As for your father, I'm not surprised the family rallied around him. You need to read the book "The Sociopath Next Door" by Martha Stout. It's on Amazon. It explains a LOT.
c saw
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01/16/2013 11:35 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
wow OP, I never realized that people could say such cruel thingske those I read here.

I have to wonder what these folks have said to ther own kids...

or done to thier own kids...

Thank you for putting up a booth at different events, thank you for reaching out to those communities that have suffered from suicide...

My husband and I just recently had a friend attempt suicide...mid 40's as are we, ex-marine, native american

oldest son in trouble, youngest son with autism, lost his job...and got caught in an affair....with another man...

took his service revolver, a 45, and attempted to shoot himself in the head, from underneath...

swares a mutual friend grabbed the gun which caused the bullet to only penetrate the mouth and sinuses...

our friend says he didn't do anything of the sort...only helped to dial 911 after the fact...

was it an angel???

I believe it was.

Our friend was able to be married to the mother of his youngest son while in the hospital ICU...

He is home now, needing many mor surgeries...

My husband and I have stood by him since day 1...I was in the room by that afternoon and we continue to go by the house...

our opinion of him is not less that it ever was...

As far as 'failing'...this guy was special ops and should have suceded...

ONly God knows what really hppened and I thank Him for letting our friend live to see another day.

OP, thanks for your story...Our friend has a heart for kids and I am sure he will be able to help many of the kids on the Rez choose life instead of...

How would someone find your organization?

Maybe other 'survivors' might join you...
Anonymous Coward
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01/16/2013 11:59 PM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
:gyf:

I am a S.O.S. survivor, also. Bless u, and may u grow in strength everyday of your precious life.:yhg:
Anonymous Coward
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01/17/2013 12:00 AM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
norespect
I just like the title op, interesting.

TLost my glasses, so skipped the whole text part.pi
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 32166283

norespect
TO OP
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01/17/2013 12:21 AM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I AM IN MY 50S AND A MOTHER. YOUR STORY HELPED ME MOVE FORWARD. I HAD AN ABUSIVE CHILDHOOD AND HAVEN'T GOTTEN PAST IT. MOSTOVER, YOU ARE ARE A GIFTED WRITER. PUT IT ALL TOGETHER IN ONE PLACE (REFERECNCE ALL YOUR FEEDBACK ON THIS THREAD, WHICH IS NEVER SO FORGIVING OR APPLAUSE ORIENTED IN 5 PAGES OF POSTS) AND SEND IT TO THE NEW YORK TIMES. YOU HAVE A STORY TO TELL IF NOT MANY. YOU HAVE GOT THE FRAMEWORK DOWN FOR FOR YOUR PAST STORY AND SOME LESSONS OR A BIG LESSON, AND PERHAPS YOU WILL BE AS TALENTED IN WRITING ABOUT YOUR PRESENT AND THEN LATER. THE WORLD ALWAYS NEEDS A WRITER WHO CAN TAP IN TO THE UNIVERSAL LIKE YOU SEEM TO DO. WHEN YOU CAN EVOKE THE UNIVERSAL, YOU HAVE SOMETHING MAJOR TO SHARE AND YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Best to you. Go!
Anonymous Coward
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01/17/2013 12:24 AM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I AM IN MY 50S AND A MOTHER. YOUR STORY HELPED ME MOVE FORWARD. I HAD AN ABUSIVE CHILDHOOD AND HAVEN'T GOTTEN PAST IT. MOSTOVER, YOU ARE ARE A GIFTED WRITER. PUT IT ALL TOGETHER IN ONE PLACE (REFERECNCE ALL YOUR FEEDBACK ON THIS THREAD, WHICH IS NEVER SO FORGIVING OR APPLAUSE ORIENTED IN 5 PAGES OF POSTS) AND SEND IT TO THE NEW YORK TIMES. YOU HAVE A STORY TO TELL IF NOT MANY. YOU HAVE GOT THE FRAMEWORK DOWN FOR FOR YOUR PAST STORY AND SOME LESSONS OR A BIG LESSON, AND PERHAPS YOU WILL BE AS TALENTED IN WRITING ABOUT YOUR PRESENT AND THEN LATER. THE WORLD ALWAYS NEEDS A WRITER WHO CAN TAP IN TO THE UNIVERSAL LIKE YOU SEEM TO DO. WHEN YOU CAN EVOKE THE UNIVERSAL, YOU HAVE SOMETHING MAJOR TO SHARE AND YOU MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Best to you. Go!


 Quoting: TO OP 30897981


Well said!
light2

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01/17/2013 12:47 AM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thank you for sharing OP. We all have missions in this life and by telling your story, you are not only helping to save lives but also giving hope to many.
Anonymous Coward
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01/17/2013 12:57 AM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
hf So glad you're here to share your story, OP, and thank you for it.
warrior poet (OP)

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01/17/2013 06:57 AM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Words would only fail to express the beauty of your post. My wife left me last December, and I struggled for about a month with those thoughts, was very close on several occasions. Swallowed a handful of ambien and washed it down with Bourbon. woke up two days later on the floor of my bedroom in a mess of urine and defecation. i had beautiful dreams and I found God.

My life is much different now, much richer. I lost a lot but have gained so much more. My best friend put s 12 gauge down his throat and pulled the trigger. I lost him 19 years ago. So sad. Your story struck a deep chord. Thank you for sharing.
 Quoting: ParadigmShift


Keep the faith. One day at a time, inch by inch...yard by yard. When you are dealing with suicide, imagine you are in a battle worn city. You have to clear the city of the enemy. It starts with one room at a time. Hold the room and move into the building. Secure the building and than grab the block. Once you have the block you can take the city. Take your life back. Hold fast to the simple things, things that you value. And expand outward. Vow never again. Get help if you have insurance, if not when you have a crisis call hotline numbers. Join support groups to address why you hurt. Eventually life gets better.

Than live your life like this scenario: Imagine you were diagnoses with a terminal illness. Your doctor has told you, "John, you have three months to live.." How differently would you live your life? Would you have a moment of regret at moments you lost, dreams you never purused? Than imagine the doctor calls you back and says, "We have run a test and the illness is in remission.." How would you live with that understanding? While you are suffering with thoughts of suicide and planning or said yes to it...it can be a terminal illness. Go live your life with a new freedom to puruse it. Stop kicking the can to things you want to do. Finish college, learn to be a photographer, volunteer, make ammends, be a better parent.... finally, invest your life into another human being and try to make their life better. You have gifts and talents invest them into someone elses life and make your life count for something

Last Edited by warrior poet on 01/17/2013 06:58 AM
BRIEF
Rebel with morals

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01/17/2013 07:07 AM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
I like Breif and the dry humor that he so easily puts into words....

Gret story Warrior, you deserve every beautifull thing that life can give you...
hugs
 Quoting: CHL2T


Sorry Breif ...I couldn't resist LOL

 Quoting: Swan Song


That one is my favorite!


1rof1
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
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01/17/2013 07:09 AM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
a book i think you might enjoy, OP; it's called "if you sit very still". it's about forgiveness.

[link to www.valapublishers.coop]

(i confess i know someone that works for this publi
Anonymous Coward
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01/17/2013 07:10 AM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
a book i think you'd enjoy, OP. it's about forgiveness, one of the few books to have made me cry.

www.valapublishers.coop/ifyousitverystill
Anonymous Coward
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01/17/2013 07:11 AM
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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
a book i think you might enjoy, OP; it's called "if you sit very still". it's about forgiveness.

[link to www.valapublishers.coop]

(i confess i know someone that works for this publi
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 32429756


sorry for the now triple post. i know someone who works for vala, that's not why i'm suggesting this book.
SoulWinner

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01/17/2013 02:38 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thank you for posting this. Please help me understand, what could someone have done, or said, to prevent you from attempting suicide? Could one event or statement have prevented it? Or, was there unstoppable momentum in that direction?
Loving souls, starving trolls
BRIEF
Rebel with morals

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01/17/2013 04:48 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thank you for posting this. Please help me understand, what could someone have done, or said, to prevent you from attempting suicide? Could one event or statement have prevented it? Or, was there unstoppable momentum in that direction?
 Quoting: SoulWinner


I think the farting babysitter is what threw him over the edge...
With freedom comes responsibility.

Heterosexual pride!

Briefcut4892
warrior poet (OP)

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01/17/2013 05:23 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thank you for posting this. Please help me understand, what could someone have done, or said, to prevent you from attempting suicide? Could one event or statement have prevented it? Or, was there unstoppable momentum in that direction?
 Quoting: SoulWinner


I made a pact with myself. I had felt invisible for most of my life. When I gave myself a window of time or a deadline I promised myself, "If anyone says, do you need help?" I'd take it.

Any time there is a suicide in a community the only thing that is left is the wreckage. What is missing, is that story of the final hours, day, weeks and months. No suicide is ever the same but I think there are similarities. The will to live has to be suppressed. One day, wanting to pick up the gun and pull the trigger...another day, terrified I was wanting to do that. That cycle causes damage to a persons sense of security and well being. You become afraid of yourself. There were days, I honestly didn't want to die but I needed out of that home.

There is a resolution phase. I reached my resolution phase in December of 1985. I felt that peace and thought I was ready. All I can say is, I thought I was ready for it. But I wasn't really prepared for the storm I found myself in.
SoulWinner

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01/17/2013 06:22 PM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thank you for posting this. Please help me understand, what could someone have done, or said, to prevent you from attempting suicide? Could one event or statement have prevented it? Or, was there unstoppable momentum in that direction?
 Quoting: SoulWinner


I made a pact with myself. I had felt invisible for most of my life. When I gave myself a window of time or a deadline I promised myself, "If anyone says, do you need help?" I'd take it.

Any time there is a suicide in a community the only thing that is left is the wreckage. What is missing, is that story of the final hours, day, weeks and months. No suicide is ever the same but I think there are similarities. The will to live has to be suppressed. One day, wanting to pick up the gun and pull the trigger...another day, terrified I was wanting to do that. That cycle causes damage to a persons sense of security and well being. You become afraid of yourself. There were days, I honestly didn't want to die but I needed out of that home.

There is a resolution phase. I reached my resolution phase in December of 1985. I felt that peace and thought I was ready. All I can say is, I thought I was ready for it. But I wasn't really prepared for the storm I found myself in.
 Quoting: warrior poet


Thank you for the reply. Do you think there is an obvious and direct spiritual dimension, or is it mostly a series of logical conclusions in response to seemingly unending pain? Or something else? (Please pardon my curiosity. I have always wondered how people can reach that final sense of resolution and wondered if it was directly demonic).

Based on what you have said, I will now intentionally look for opportunities to ask people if they need help. Seriously.

Last Edited by SoulWinner on 01/17/2013 06:23 PM
Loving souls, starving trolls
warrior poet (OP)

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01/20/2013 08:54 AM

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Re: 27 years ago...I took my life with a rifle.
Thank you all for your support,

As a result of your kind words - I have decided to submit my story to publishers. I have been working on submissions this morning.

Thank you again.

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