The one thing I hate in life is money.

In fact, it had only been recently that I came to the conclusion.

I have always lived small. Growing up the only time any of us kids got new clothes was before school started, and we were lucky to go the first couple of weeks wearing anything new.

We lived in a small town, a small house and had very few material goods at all.

This lifestyle was miserable in a materialistic society. As days would come, I would get on the bus and see people flaunting their gameboys, their new shoes and clothes, their vacation to cancun...

I strived to be wealthy. My pass time was usually playing outside climbing trees, going in the woods, digging, watching animals, hearing sounds of nature, playing with sticks like swords, just generally using imagination and living. But at the time, I didn't appreciate these activities.

I was always a "gifted" child. I flew through all classes without challenge. I was easy to get along with and never really had altercations, other than the common nerdy ones. But when I was picked fun at, I laughed. I was intelligent enough to know what others thought didnt matter.

Then high school hit.

We moved away from this small town and into the city.

Gone were the birds filling the room with sound. Gone were the hikes in the acres upon acres of woodland. Gone were the small things that kept all of the family humble and appreciative.

I flew through high school and by graduation day, I was still in this daze. These thoughts that no matter how bad things got, we would be ok. I also never chased girls because I was a nerd, with zero confidence. In my 18 years I was never once sought after, and to this day have never really been in a relationship.

I got a scholarship to a good state school and went straight into college after high school. I moved into the house i currently reside in and everything was a little better. I noticed privacy, confidence, and enough will to get by.

As time went on, I started to get tired. I started to get feelings of not being noticed again. Like everything I was doing was a waste of time. I actually noticed I had to begin selling things to make it. I had to get credit to pay for groceries because they were getting so expensive. Then gas. Then trying to keep up my car...

I noticed I was slipping into a deep depression. I called myself out for it.

I wasn't too far in debt. I had some things to appreciate.

I then began waking up.

I had a severe headache one night, like my brain was splitting. I cried and played through everything I stand for and what I've done. It was overwhelming. My anxiety hit an all time high.

I took up marijuana and it was a literal godsend. I didn't and still don't use it as a crutch. I noticed that when I was high, i was able to think more clearly and live in the NOW.

I actually thought for myself. Going to college was becoming a disease that was killing me. I remember one of my professors admitting he was a socialist. He said something about people being crazy to question the society we've formed, and even 9/11!

... And the people sat silent and nodded.

I couldn't do it after that. Everything from my job to school to gas... It is all a control mechanism!

It was like I could see the bars of the cage.

I stopped going to school. I started talking about these things with my cousin and we clicked.

We became enlightened.

I watched as he went through a similar life transformation. Quit school, dealt with emotions and feeling crazy.

I just found out my student loans are at $9500 from less than two semesters, because they "disqualified" my scholarship for attendance.

I have 2 cards at just over $1000. I don't use them, they are frozen.

I am 20.

I have a run down car. A corporate job at one of the worst places to work in the US. An older dog who is getting more expensive and the thought of losing her for monetary reasons. And a new hate for all of it.

I want to just leave.

WE want to just leave.

But how? Legally, I'm in debt and have no true transportation.

All money i receive must go to my debts, but half of my yearly income alone goes to rent, and that's only $13k...

I also see the world crumbling.

Its as if all has already died but is being kept animated.

Just need advice.

What do I do from here?

A lot is coming to light about my native American heritage. I was dreaming to go west and everyone I mention it to says I must.

I REALLY want to walk. To run. To drink from a stream. To watch birds, deer, wolves, insects. To climb trees. To be human.

My thought is that I'm getting a head start on an inevitable crash, but this time is different.

How do I fight authority, or the law, over such mundane issues?

How the fuck can I just be left alone?