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Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.

 
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 26795288
United States
01/29/2013 12:26 AM
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Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.
Anonymous Coward
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01/29/2013 12:28 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288


yep, i lived on that planet.
you don't have to forget, but you should forgive. do it for you, and for her so she can go in peace.
go say your goodbyes.
Anonymous Coward
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01/29/2013 12:42 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
Agreed. Can you go see her? I'm so sorry.
Dr. AculaModerator
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01/29/2013 12:46 AM

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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288


yep, i lived on that planet.
you don't have to forget, but you should forgive. do it for you, and for her so she can go in peace.
go say your goodbyes.
 Quoting: Salt


Couldn't have said it better myself.
Anonymous Coward
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01/29/2013 12:46 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
How do you know that she is Narcissistic?

She could be something far, far worse.

She could be MSBP.

If she is, straight standard procedure as given by top psychologists is NEVER, NEVER to go back. Walk away.

If she is MSBP, she is highly likely to try to injure you and certanily your kids, if not try to take you down with her.

STAY AWAY unless you are sure that it is only Narcissistic rather than MSBP
Anonymous Coward
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01/29/2013 12:49 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
How do you know that she is Narcissistic?

She could be something far, far worse.

She could be MSBP.

If she is, straight standard procedure as given by top psychologists is NEVER, NEVER to go back. Walk away.

If she is MSBP, she is highly likely to try to injure you and certanily your kids, if not try to take you down with her.

STAY AWAY unless you are sure that it is only Narcissistic rather than MSBP
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 33130922


putin
Anonymous Coward
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01/29/2013 12:54 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
I'll second that
putin
Anonymous Coward
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Australia
01/29/2013 01:01 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
Please go and see her and tell her that you love her.

You will be fine and gain peace and strength from YOUR actions.

God love hf
The Quiet One

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01/29/2013 01:15 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
Agree with all posts that say you should reach out to her. When she is gone, you will not have the opportunity to say goodbye.

Live Life, Love and Forgive. Doesn't mean you have to forget, but you will feel a lot better.
Anonymous Coward
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01/29/2013 01:45 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
Fuck that bitch.

But do whatever the fuck you want.
Anonymous Coward
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New Zealand
01/29/2013 01:55 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
I did something similar with my father.

I pushed him out.

He died.

I have no guilt for the choices he made.
Anonymous Coward
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01/29/2013 01:58 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
Make peace, do what you can.

Regret is a terrible thing to live with, and if you don't make peace, you will eventually have regret that you'll never get rid of.

The clock is ticking, save yourself. No matter how hard it may seem now, it will be a thousand times harder for the rest of your life if you do nothing. Act now.

Put blinders on if you must, ignore siblings and others, and just make peace.
Anonymous Coward
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01/29/2013 02:01 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
Go see her. If you don't you will regret not doing it for the rest of your life. She might have been a bad person, but still blood is thicker than water.
Anonymous Coward
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Malaysia
01/29/2013 02:12 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
time to say goodbye OP..

the "very least", she carried you in her womb for 9 months...

:)

godspeed..
Anonymous Coward
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01/29/2013 02:15 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
You fought through hell to regain your power, and you're going to let her have another go at it one last time? Why give her a free pass to happiness and fuck you up for the next ten years?

Her actions were her own, you shouldn't have to suffer, again, so that she can die in peace. She had ample time to repair her mistakes, but chose not to. She should pass with the knowledge that she fucked up. Its her cross to bare, not yours.

You said they put you through loads of crap. In these hard times, are any of they, apart from your mother, showed any remorse for what they did to you? I bet not. They're only looking for someone to blame and whos better than the black sheep of the family.

Its all about them, so they can feel better about themselves.

DO.NOT.FALL.FOR.IT.

They'll blame you, again. Whats new? Fuckem, fuckem all.
Anonymous Coward
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01/29/2013 02:16 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
Don't shoot. Let 'em burn.
Anonymous Coward
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Australia
01/29/2013 02:25 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288


I have no understanding as to why you may be feeling 'so guilty'.

Your mother lied, and they sided with her. 'They' are the ones who should be 'feeling guilty' if anything.

I do agree with the others that you should 'forgive' and seek to make peace. I don't think it necessarily needs to be done in person though, if you're not up to it. Go with what you feel is the best way to proceed.
Anonymous Coward
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01/29/2013 02:32 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288


Hon..I'm in my fifties. My mother was much like yours; she died when I was 20. I can tell you unequivocally--going home to say goodbye to your mother isn't the same as deciding all that happened "didn't count". Its important that you forgive your family members, but that doesn't mean you have any obligation to go back to the way things were.

Its been my experience that narcissists don't "get well". They don't see themselves as sick in the first place. I wouldn't be looking for any magical reconciliations in going home but--it will give you peace of mind regarding your mother and--thats invaluable.

They don't have to get well for you to heal. Sweetie..go on home; do what you need to do.

I wish you the best.
Anonymous Coward
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01/29/2013 02:38 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288


First, sweetie...do not feel guilty.

Secondly, go to your Mother's side now.

Thirdly, know u are not alone in this...many have done what you did to protect your heart, but be done with it for now.

Protect your soul by seeing your Mother before she departs this earth.

God speed.:phf:
BB
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05/09/2013 12:52 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
Damned if you do Damned if you don't.......I would rather be Damned if I don't and be happy. I waited my whole life for my mom to tell me she loves me, I'm 43. She finally did in her death bed, I didn't respond.....on purpose. And I don't feel bad or have regrets. I did learn from her, I learned I will never ever be like her with my kids. No free pass even with her going to church will all her evilness. Jesus doesn't want her. She didn't take care for her gift from God. What ever....forgive and forget now prove it one last time. Screw that!
Anonymous Coward
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05/09/2013 01:52 AM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288


yep, i lived on that planet.
you don't have to forget, but you should forgive. do it for you, and for her so she can go in peace.
go say your goodbyes.
 Quoting: Salt


I wasn't sure what to advise you, but when I read this, I said "yes, that's it." All the best to you, OP.
love anyway
User ID: 45932513
United States
09/18/2013 07:56 PM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
Hi there my father is an N. I have siblings too who are as well and to no suprise spent all my adult life with one (MAN) trying to make it work. Now I see that this was my issue of trying to change other people. I can only change me and the people I choose to have close to me. I really know that the depth I have, and continue to reach has given me so much richness in my life.
I choose to think of it as my spiritual job to love myself and know myself and for some reason was born into this family to really get that.
Without this father or family or even the X, i.e. all the narcissists, I would not have learned what it truly means to be myself and love myself unconditionally. Now I see the narcissists as truly spiritually sick or even without a soul and I feel so blessed to not have to know what that is like. Sounds like Hell on earth in truth. I am self reliant now and do not crave the love of sick unavailable people anymore. Please understand, this is a process. My compassion was my weakness in a sense before due to thinking the abusers must be so tormented. Yes, I believe they are. But, I have learned boundaries and never have to tolerate or accept name calling, lies, etc... My motto is I am here for you guys for support and love only. Go see your mother. She is a sick soul who only has power if you accept that lie. She, nor any ill meaning person has the power. We were once too young to challenge them. But, not anymore. You are informed and grown and she is dying and her life is over . Go live yours fully with a heart loaded with love and compassion for those with open hearts who love you as well!
alexisj9

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United Kingdom
09/18/2013 07:58 PM

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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288


yep, i lived on that planet.
you don't have to forget, but you should forgive. do it for you, and for her so she can go in peace.
go say your goodbyes.
 Quoting: Salt


This.
Anonymous Coward
User ID: 47081797
United States
09/18/2013 08:02 PM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288


yep, i lived on that planet.
you don't have to forget, but you should forgive. do it for you, and for her so she can go in peace.
go say your goodbyes.
 Quoting: Salt

^^^^
THIS

If you don't you'll regret it for the rest of your life.
SevenThunders

User ID: 15851599
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09/18/2013 08:03 PM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
No brainer. Jesus has explained the way. Make peace with your mother before you do anything else. It is the higher way. What will this cost you? A few hours of your life? You will be glad you did.
natasha77
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09/18/2013 08:03 PM

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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
This may not be popular, but go to see your mother. Make it very plain to their others how you feel and don't even talk to them.
If you don't see your mom, you will probably regret it.
Make it plain to the others they can go to hell.
SPEAK UP. SILENCE IS DEADLY!

I am currently experiencing life at several WTFs per hour.

flatearth
Anonymous Coward
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Australia
09/18/2013 08:06 PM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
I have been no contact with my mother and sister stepdad, and brothers for two years because of lies and guilt trips and manipulation, triangulation. All I asked for was an apology and never got one till tonight, when my sister calls me to tell me my mother is dying and she is sorry. What the hell do I do? Forget the crap they put me thru? I love my mother and Im crying so hard I can hardly write this. What does a daughter do, who has gone no contact to protect herself and now I feel so guilty.
 Quoting: Anonymous Coward 26795288


eeyuh, had similar experience, they slapped a DNR sign on her bed and my siblings who she favoured and helped all their lives weren't gonna do anything about it, so suddenly I wasn't so bad after all.
Christ's Betrothed

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09/18/2013 08:10 PM

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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
Been in your shoes except that my mom is BPD... Her anger and aggression kept me from spending time with my sweet father the last year of his life. (He had a brain tumor.) She cheated me from a great deal..........nothing she could ever do could make up for what she took.

But, as they say, holding a grudge is the equivalent of poisoning myself to kill her.

So, I have forgiven her. She has NOT asked for forgiveness. She has not said she is sorry. Yet, I treat her with kindness and without a painful grudge. That way I don't have the burden of even more guilt...(as I have carried soooo much over the years!)

Do the "right" thing. Hold your head high for having make the "bigger" choice.
Took me a long time to realize it, but He was all I ever really needed...
Anonymous Coward
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09/18/2013 08:11 PM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
Whatever you can live with OP. Because this is about YOU.

So now all of a sudden it's okay to reach out to someone who treated you like shit your whole life and messed with your head.

I wouldn't but I'm not in your situation.

They haven't changed btw. They are simply dying.

Good luck.
Anonymous Coward
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09/18/2013 08:11 PM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
Agree with all posts that say you should reach out to her. When she is gone, you will not have the opportunity to say goodbye.

Live Life, Love and Forgive. Doesn't mean you have to forget, but you will feel a lot better.
 Quoting: The Quiet One


hf
sandpiper

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09/18/2013 08:11 PM
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Re: Help, Narcissistic mother is on death bed.
No brainer. Jesus has explained the way. Make peace with your mother before you do anything else. It is the higher way. What will this cost you? A few hours of your life? You will be glad you did.
 Quoting: SevenThunders


This. Go see your mother, forgive her, but I know you can't forget. Time will help to heal and you will know you did the right thing. This will help you heal. Good luck.
If you break my wings, I will just find a cloud and learn to fly again. The Lord will catch you when you fall or teach you to fly! May the footprints I leave lead you to BELIEVE.

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